December 9 #2
Thirty-five days on the road. All of it just to get to this moment, the moment where he would have to let go. All of that and he still wasn’t ready to do it. It was impossible to close this chapter of his life, say goodbye to fifteen years.
“We’re gonna be best friends forever, right, Kev?”
It was even harder to say goodbye knowing that Perry should’ve still been alive. It was his fault his friend wasn’t there anymore. Memories swirled around in his head, tormenting him, making him wish that things had turned out differently.
“You sure you’re okay to drive, Clay?”
“Yeah, man…I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Give me the keys.”
He took Perry’s chain out of his pocket and it felt heavy in his hand, weighed down by the guilt.
Everything came rushing back at that instant, all the horrors he’d seen that night.
The desperation. The helplessness. Those feelings were trapped in a memory and he only felt it when he thought about that night.
But the guilt. He lived with the guilt every day.
“You better not be feeling up my girl back there, Clayton.”
“Why? Scared she might like it?”
“Perry, would you just shut up and put on your seatbelt. I told you three times already.”
“Fuck, you’re like a nagging—Yo, Kevin. Watch out!”
It was dark. He didn’t see it until the last second—the eerie shadow of…
something. The car took on a life of its own, skidding across the road before it flipped.
He could still hear the glass shattering on impact, smell the burning rubber as the tires skidded across the tarmac.
And then the blood. So much blood. It was all his fault.
“Clayton, you’re not singing!”
“Where’s my girl, Kev.”
“I don’t know! I promise I’m gonna find her.”
It was a lie. He hadn’t even looked. To this day, he still didn’t know the extent of Shandré’s injuries.
All he knew was that it was enough to kill her.
Clayton’s legs were so badly broken they had to be amputated, Perry had bled out from the wound on his head, and all he got was a scratch down his forearm.
So many lives destroyed because of him and he was perfectly fine.
The guilt was too much to bear. His shoulders weren’t strong enough to carry such a burden.
Thirty-five days on the road. He’d come all the way to Florida to fulfil a dream that wasn’t his when Perry should’ve been here to do it himself.
He was going to start his own business, get married to the girl he loved, have lots of babies.
All of those dreams shattered because of one reckless night.
Kevin toyed with the chain in his hand, getting ready to throw it as far out into the ocean as he could.
He walked closer to the water’s edge, the bubbly white surf lightly lapping at the tips of his sneakers.
Raising his arm, he tried to take a deep breath to brace himself.
It didn’t work and he tried again. Using all his strength, he flung his arm, but his uncooperative fingers closed tightly over the dog-tags.
“I can’t…” he said even though there was no one there to hear him.
“I can’t let you go.” He dropped to his knees, unable to hold himself up.
“It should have been me.” The damp sand gave in beneath him, allowing the water to seep through his jeans.
He wanted the tide to drag him in and swallow him whole.
Actually, that wasn’t what he wanted. It was what he deserved. “It should have been me!”
The shudders came first, causing his body to tremble despite the jacket he wore.
Next his stomach began to churn, twisting into a tight ball from all the guilt.
Then grief and pain got lodged in his throat, obstructing a clear passage and he found himself gasping for air.
And then came the tears, little by little, and then all at once.
He broke down, clutching onto the chain so tight he felt like the tags were slicing into his skin.
Nothing good is ever built in an instant.
It takes time. It needs to be molded, crafted until it’s perfect.
It takes patience and understanding. It takes time.
Days. Weeks. Months. Years. But it can never be done in a second.
And yet that’s all it takes to destroy it.
One measly second and it was gone. All that remained were the broken pieces of what once was.
That was him, the fragmented shards left behind after that one measly second. He was only one half of a friendship.
“We’re gonna be best friends forever, right, Kev?”
Even if he tried, he couldn’t hold it back.
He cried and cried and just when he thought all the energy had drained from his body, he cried some more.
Tears flowed in a steady stream, becoming one with the ocean as they rolled off his cheeks.
Deep down, he’d secretly hoped that when he got to Florida, he would be able to let go, let go of the pain and the guilt and fifteen years’ worth of memories, but now he was clinging to all of it, holding onto the other half just so he could feel whole.
Letting go of all that meant he would have to let go of Perry and he didn’t think he would ever be able to do that.
He shifted, moving off his knees to sit on the sand, and he sat there for almost two hours watching the waves creep up on the shore.
He closed his eyes, hoping that the sound of the water would soothe the restlessness within him, but it didn’t.
There was no solace, no way of living with the guilt, no way of living with himself knowing what he had done, and eventually he gave up. He didn’t even want to try anymore.
He stood up and didn’t bother dusting the sand off his clothes.
He stomped down the beach, heading back to the spot where he’d left his bags.
Tears stung the back of his eyes. Angry tears.
He was angry because he was still powerless to do anything, angry because he couldn’t right the wrongs of the past. He had brought the only thing he had left of Perry to Florida and it still wasn’t enough. Nothing he did would ever be enough.
As he neared the path heading back to the road, he saw her sitting on the rock beside his bags and he stopped, froze in place. She was the last person he wanted to see right now. She represented everything he’d taken away from another couple.
He’d lost count of how many last days they’d spent together.
Since Alabama, he’d woken up every morning thinking that by nightfall, they would have gone their separate ways.
But every day, he’d spend a few minutes with her and lose his will to say goodbye.
He couldn’t leave her, so he’d begged her to leave him.
Yet here she was, and he didn’t want to see her.
“What are you still doing here?” His voice sounded hoarse and he cleared his throat. “I asked you to leave.”
Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “You’re in a place you don’t know on a secluded beach. Who knows how long it will take before you find someone to take you to…anywhere. I thought—”
He grabbed his bags and started walking towards the road. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
She stood up and took quick, hasty steps to cut in front of him. “You’re not fine. I can see it…and you shouldn’t be alone. You don’t even have to talk to me, just let me take you someplace where you’ll be safe. You’re not in the best frame of mind. I know today was hard for you and—”
“You don’t know anything.”
Dan: He’s ticking, Bob. He’s ticking.
“I know that you withdraw at the mere mention of Perry’s name.
And I know that today you were reliving that night over and over again in your head.
It’s hurting you, Kevin, but you don’t have to go through it alone.
I know the guilt is eating at you because you survived and they didn’t. I understand how you feel.”
Dan: Triggered.
“Oh, you understand?” The sound that came out of him was half snort, half laugh.
He dropped his bags and crossed his arms over his chest. “You understand the guilt I feel? Did I tell you I was driving that night, Jazz?” It was the first time he’d admitted it out loud and it stung him to his very core.
“Did I tell you I was drinking that night?” He actually had to take a second and breathe through that because the words burned the inside of his mouth on the way out.
“No. I didn’t tell you that part. I didn’t want you to know that…
I didn’t want you to know I was the one responsible…
for fucking up the lives of three people.
Two are dead and Clayton can’t walk because of me. I did that.”
Her eyes were wide after that revelation, filled with something he couldn’t decipher. Pity? Sympathy? Disgust? He didn’t know. All he knew was that she’d never looked at him that way before.
“Kevin…” She took a step towards him, reaching out to take his hand but he immediately stepped back.