December 9 #3
“That’s not even the worst of it,” he said, finally ready to reveal all.
She was the only person he’d ever opened up to and he wanted her to know everything.
He showed her his vulnerability and his scars.
Now it was time to show her the monster that lived within.
“I didn’t look for Shandré. I promised him I would and I didn’t.
His dying wish…and I didn’t do it. And then afterwards…
I didn’t even go to his funeral.” He felt it then, even in the presence of the thermostat.
There was no way she could shut it off. It was like lava.
All of it rising up, bubbling over inside him until the heat beneath his skin was so severe, he thought he might ignite.
“My best friend…I didn’t go to his funeral, didn’t pay my last respects.
I couldn’t face his mother…a woman I love like my own mother.
I saw her…I saw her…at the morgue.” It raced up his throat, clogging it, and something as simple as talking became a strained effort.
“She was hysterical. They had to sedate her. I did that to her…and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her again.
It’s been four months now…she lives four fucking houses away…
and I haven’t gone to see her once…That’s the kind of coward I am.
I took her only child…and then refused to see her.
She’s in the hospital now because of me.
” His eyes met hers and he didn’t blink.
He wanted her to see it, see every despicable part of him so she would finally realize that he wasn’t worth her time.
“Tell me, Jazz. Do you understand the guilt I feel?”
She stood there completely expressionless, unable to answer.
“I should be in jail right now. But somehow my toxicology test got fucked up.” A sardonic chuckle popped out involuntarily.
“It said I was under the legal limit…and I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t really drunk…
or because I threw up on the side of the road.
You have no idea what not knowing does to me…
So after everything I did, I get to walk away like nothing happened.
Life goes back to normal for me. I got to go on this trip…
see half the country…meet you. I didn’t deserve any of that, but I got it.
” The knot in his throat tightened and speaking was becoming excruciatingly painful.
Words were cracking and squeaking as he forced them out.
His ability to hold back the tears was also dissolving and every few seconds, he felt one roll down his cheek.
“Tell me, Jasmin…Do you understand the guilt I feel?”
This time she managed to swallow the shock and shake her head. “No.”
“There were no consequences for my actions, no ramifications. I should be punished for what I did…and there’s nothing!”
She tried to take his hand again, but he took another step back to keep the distance between them.
“So you punish yourself?” she asked softly.
“Someone has to.”
“Kevin, it was an accident. It’s not your—”
He gritted his teeth. “Don’t you dare say it.”
Dan: It looks like he saved the best for the finale, folks. Have you ever seen a person fly completely off the rails? We guarantee this is going to be a show you’ll never forget.
“It is my fault. There’s no one else to blame. They trusted me with their lives and I fucked up!”
“You can’t go on like this.” Her eyes softened and the tenderness in her voice told him that even if she didn’t understand, she felt the hurt for him, with him.
“You can’t keep shutting everyone out just to live with this pain alone.
You consciously force yourself not to be happy because you think you deserve it.
You don’t. You’re a good person, Kevin…and it was an accident. ”
“I don’t wanna hear whatever bullshit you’re gonna concoct to make me feel better.” He was angry now, not because he hated hearing the truth, but because he so desperately wanted to believe her. “What I want is for you to leave.”
Bob: He’s really trying to let her down easy.
Dan: Yeah, but she never could take a hint, Bob.
“You’re doing it again. Every time I get too close, you push me away. You don’t have to. I want to be there for you, the same way you were there for me…if you would just let me. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, but—”
He could already see where this was going and he needed to shut it down fast. “You’re right. You can’t imagine it because the worst thing that has ever happened to you in your entire sheltered existence was finding out that a woman you don’t even know doesn’t love you.”
Her face dropped and she slowly shook her head. “That’s not fair.”
Bob: See? This is the problem with keeping everything bottled up inside. It builds and builds until eventually the pressure gets too much.
Dan: Can you feel it? It’s coming…The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Shepard is about to implode.
“Life isn’t fair, Jazz! You want proof of that? Just ask Perry and Shandré.”
Dan: And three…
“Oh, you can’t. They’re dead!”
“Kevin, stop it.”
“And that’s because of me!” He slammed his fist against his chest. “This coward. Is that the type of man you think you need?” He reached for his bags, finally ready to end this. “You know what? Don’t answer that. Go marry your doctor, Jazz. This doesn’t matter to me anyway.”
Dan: Two…
She lifted her hand to his face, but he turned the other way before she made contact.
He didn’t like the way she was looking at him.
She looked at him like he still meant something to her.
How could she know everything and not see him as the scum of the earth?
She obviously wasn’t as smart as he thought she was.
Dan: One…
There was a flicker of apprehension, but she voiced her thoughts regardless. “It does matter to you. You wouldn’t be acting this way if it didn’t.”
She took a step towards him and he snapped.
Dan: Detonate.
He laughed—low, acerbic, and dripping with bitter sarcasm.
“You see, in that fucked up little dream world you live in, somehow—for the second time—you deluded yourself into thinking I care. I don’t.
I don’t give a fuck about you. Let’s not get this twisted, Jasmin.
We’re not gonna sit and cuddle and talk about our feelings until you find a way to heal me.
It’s not gonna happen. The only thing I want… is for you to leave.”
A tiny brain-drain twitch, but she was too worried about him to focus on her own feelings.
Because that was Jasmin. Sweet, kind, thoughtful Jasmin.
She was so fucking perfect it sickened him.
It sickened him to know that he’d had her, all of her.
He just had to put it down as a poor lapse in judgment, that moment when he’d convinced himself that he might actually be worthy of her.
She let out a deep sigh and her voice trembled a little when she spoke. “If that’s what you want, I’ll do it…but at least let me take you someplace where I know you’ll be safe.”
It was a trap. Unintentional, but still a trap. They’d been saying goodbye to each other for over a week and if he got into the car with her, he knew it would end up being like every other last day they’d spent together. Somehow she’d creep back in and he’d lose his resolve to end it.
“Fuck, Jazz! I keep asking you to leave, but you just don’t get it, so let me spell it out for you. I don’t want you.”
Dan: (Whispers) Notice the wording there, Bob?
Tactful. He could own up to his feelings and be a man right now.
He could have said: I don’t want to be with you because I’m a worthless piece of shit and you deserve better.
But instead, this coward would rather say the one thing that rips her open and lays out all her abandonment issues.
“This was a great distraction for me, a nice way to get my mind off all this shit.”
Bob: Did he just call her a distraction? (Shakes head in disbelief) I was anticipating the: “it’s not you, it’s me” trope, but he’s cheapening everything that happened.
Dan: Let’s not forget why we’re here, Bob. This kid’s an asshole.
“Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but I don’t want you to see this as anything more than what it was.”
Dan: He’s gonna say it.
Bob: He’s not gonna say it. He’s in love with this girl.
“You were just a convenient fuck when no one else was around.”
Bob: Ohhhhh! Fuck! No, he did not just say that. I apologize for doubting you, Dan. I’m sorry for ever having any expectations when it comes to Kevin. All time new low!
His teeth sliced into tongue, deep enough for him to taste blood, his own body rejecting the vileness that came out of his mouth.
“And you were a great fuck, too…So willing.” That one turned his stomach over, causing bile to rise up, but he swallowed and forced a smile.
“But now it’s over, so why don’t you just hop into your car and stay the fuck away from me. ”
And then there was silence. The erratic commentary, every scattered thought—all of it came to a halt at that instant.
He kept his eyes fixed on her, waiting for that small reaction.
One brain-drain twitch and when it didn’t work, he saw another.
No perky smile. Where was the perky smile?
The perky smile meant she would be okay, it meant she still had enough in her to fight back.
After the third brain-drain twitch, she stopped trying to suck those words out of her head.
She was taking in all that venom, internalizing every ounce of pain.
She was so still, not even breathing. It hurt her that much.
It was like the lump in her throat was so big, it wouldn’t allow any air to pass through.