Chapter fourteen
Amber stood at the edge of the portable crib staring at her daughter. At Zoe. It wasn’t a name she had picked out, but when Clara told her they’d chosen it because it meant “alive” and “full of life,” she decided then and there she wanted her daughter to wear the name fiercely, proudly.
A hand touched her back, and she didn’t have to look to know Spencer stood beside her. He leaned in and brushed a kiss across her shoulder. “How are you?” he whispered.
“Better. Now that she’s here. Now that I understand what happened.” She paused as Zoe flopped onto her belly and tucked her knees underneath her, raising her little behind in the air. Spencer chuckled softly at the sight, and Amber smiled as the rightness of it all settled over her.
“Clara and Adrian are…” She couldn’t even think of a word to describe them. Angels, fairy godmothers, miracle workers?
“Happy,” Spencer said. She looked over her shoulder. “They are happy to have done what they did to save her, raise her, and bring her to you.”
Tears of gratitude welled in her eyes. Again. Both women were happy. And that they’d done so much to make Amber a part of Zoe’s life from day one pulled an emotion from her so raw that it went past thought to something deeply primal. “They are remarkable. I don’t know how I, we, got so lucky.”
He inclined his head. “They are that. Do you want to go downstairs and hear the rest of what they have to say while Zoe naps?”
No, she didn’t want to go downstairs where everyone waited for them.
Staying right where she was and watching Zoe sleep sounded like a much better plan.
But despite having her daughter in her arms, in her life, a long road stretched in front of her.
In front of them. A road they started down today, but she sensed that what Clara and Adrian had left to say was critical to the route they’d decide to take next.
Zoe’s demand for another snack had paused all talk.
Then nap time took precedence. But if there was anything to the claims Clara made about Anthony being involved in some sort of murder scheme, Amber wanted to know.
She’d eventually have to confront Anthony about custody, and she wanted all the ammunition she could gather.
Of course, custody wasn’t the only thing that needed to be sorted out.
Zoe had no birth certificate. Amber couldn’t begin to figure out how to rectify that without alerting Anthony.
She also didn’t know if Clara or Adrian had broken any major laws.
She wouldn’t let either of them suffer for being the Samaritans they were.
And then there was the mountain to climb of her and Zoe getting to know each other.
She sighed. “I want to stay here, but I have a feeling that if Clara is right in her assertions, the sooner we figure it out, the sooner we can focus on what really matters.”
He slipped his arm around her waist. “You are amazing.”
She turned, setting her hands on his chest, feeling the heat of his body and the beat of his heart. Strong and steady, like the man. “Thank you.”
He frowned. “For?”
“You are more than my friend, but for being my friend.”
“You have a lot of friends in your corner now. And many of them are powerful,” he said, likely referring to HICC.
“Yes,” she agreed, grounded in the knowledge that she wasn’t alone. Whatever came next, she had friends and allies. “But you’re the only one I want to do this with. The only one I want to have his arms around me, to hold me, to help keep me together.”
A soft smile tipped the right side of his mouth. “I’m glad to hear that. It might cause a problem otherwise.”
Her gaze jerked to his. His lips might be smiling, but his eyes told another story. Intent, serious, and something else shadowed the green depths. Something not quite fear but acquainted with it. Hope, perhaps.
She replayed his words in her head, turning them over.
“It might cause a problem otherwise” whispered through her.
She stifled an inhale as the meaning sank in.
He cared about her. As more than a friend.
As more than a woman he was helping. He didn’t want her to want anyone else the way she wanted him.
Her realization must have shown on her face, and he flashed a lopsided smile. “There you have it,” he said.
And she did. She knew his secret. But that smile wasn’t all she’d seen in his expression.
She studied him now. Not knowing what prompted her, she asked, “What was your childhood like?” None of the Falcons had had idyllic ones—it was a big part of the reason they did what they did—but she didn’t know his specifics.
The smile vanished, and his muscles tensed under her hands. “I didn’t have much of one. My mom died of an OD before I formed any memories of her, and the state took me away from Dad when I was six. I bounced around foster care until I aged out and enlisted.”
Her heart broke for him, but she needed to know more. “How many?”
He cocked his head.
“How many foster families were you with before you aged out?”
“A lot,” he replied quickly. Too quickly. She stared at him. “Maybe we can have this conversation another time. You know, like when you didn’t just meet your daughter you thought had died and found out that your ex might be involved in a bunch of murders.”
“It’s going to be about me and Zoe for a while as we sort through everything. Right now, it’s about you. How many, Spencer?” She didn’t really understand why she was digging in, but it felt important.
The muscles of his jaw bulged as he clenched it. She held his gaze. His nostrils flared as he took a breath. His spine stiffened and his gaze sharpened, as if bracing himself. “Eighteen.”
Her stomach flipped at how quickly the answer came, even seventeen years later. More than one family a year. No stability, no time to build connections or feel safe, no one to rely on, to count on. No one but himself.
She hadn’t seen just hope in his eyes, but a wary hope.
Spencer was not a man who trusted easily or often.
Until now, she hadn’t fully grasped how hard it must be for him.
Life had taught him that. And yet he wanted to trust her, to trust her with something so vulnerable, so bruised, so tender. His heart.
He’d put it out there, maybe not in so many words, but in the way he knew how. And now he braced for her reaction. For her rejection. In every line of his body, she felt his anxious anticipation.
“Now’s not the right time for this, Amber,” he said, stepping back.
She curled her fingers into his shirt and pulled him back.
She had no idea what she was doing. After escaping Anthony, the thought of building something with another man never crossed her mind.
Being that vulnerable again terrified her.
But the possibility of Spencer thinking she didn’t want him—that she was rejecting him—terrified her more. Hurt her in a soul-searing way.
“I don’t have the answers, Spencer. I don’t know what next month or next week or even what the next hour will bring.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be…‘normal’ about sex again or if I’ll ever truly heal from what happened to me.
I’m a package deal now and need to figure out how to be a mom, a working mom.
I don’t know how I’m going to juggle that—”
“Like I said, wrong time to be talking about this. We don’t have to talk about it all. I’ll respect that, Amber,” he said, his voice stiff but kind.
“No, I’m not done. Listen to me, Spencer.
” She waited until his eyes landed on her before continuing.
“There are so many unknowns, and probably more coming that I can’t even imagine right now.
But if you’re willing, there’s no one I’d rather have by my side to help me figure them out than you.
I want you, Spencer. I picked you for a reason, and it wasn’t because of your reputation.
” She paused, then smiled. “Okay, maybe a little because of that.”
To her shock, a blush climbed up his neck. Never in a million years would she have expected that.
“I picked you because you’ve been there for me time and time again over the past year. A steady sounding board, an encouraging presence, a shoulder I’ve felt comfortable crying on, and a friend I’ve laughed with. You’ve given me so much and then when you agreed to, well, you know—”
He smiled. “I definitely know.”
A laugh bubbled up, but they stilled when Zoe shifted in the crib, rolling over again and throwing her arm out.
Their attention lingered on the tiny human sleeping so peacefully.
“I can’t get over her fingers and toes,” Spencer said. “They’re so tiny and perfect.”
She smiled. “And the little rolls on her legs.”
“And her cheeks. She has a dimple, did you notice?”
She nodded, then rested her head on Spencer’s chest. He lifted his hand and ran his fingers through her hair.
“You’ve given me so much, Spencer,” she said.
“And in the next few months, maybe years, I’m going to need more.
Don’t doubt I want you, but it feels imbalanced. It doesn’t feel fair to you.”
He continued combing his deft fingers through her hair as he set his cheek on the top of her head.
“I get to decide what’s fair to me. And right now, the fact that you want me by your side is enough.
It’s more than enough. Now we should leave the little sleeping beauty to her rest and see what the real world holds for us outside these doors. ”
She huffed. “I want to stay here.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“But I want all this to be over and settled.”
“Also a good choice.”
She sighed. “I guess we should go downstairs and find out if my ex-husband is a murderer in addition to being an abusive asshole.”
“It’s a big day.”