Chapter 6 Judge
Judge
As simple as the day is, the night changes everything.
“I don’t think all of us together is going to work out in one room,” she murmurs as we stand in the room she and Raven share, especially since their beds are small enough as it is.
“You’ll stay with me.” The words leave me before I can think to stop it. When she jerks to look at me, I rub the back of my neck. “Jinx has to stay somewhere for the time being, and we know Raven won’t leave the clubhouse to join him. I can’t leave the clubhouse until we’re ready to move. So…”
“You don’t mind?” Tilting her head, she clutches an outfit to her chest. “If you do—”
“I don’t.” Clearing my throat, I look away before I accidentally tell her that I’ve imagined sharing that kind of space with her too many times to count. “My concern is to make sure you’re comfortable.”
Trying hard to make sure a line is drawn, my words make it seem the line is thick. Unfortunately, it all feels like a lie. All this is my greed seeping through, making decisions based on what I want, more than what is right.
Despite the nerves on her face, she nods.
“Got what you need before we settle?” Taking the clothes in her arms, I know it won’t be enough to move everything into my room, but then again, she’s only meant to sleep over. Tomorrow, she can return and grab whatever she needs.
“I, um, usually shower before bed.” Looking down at herself, she grimaces. “I’m kind of gross.”
She’s not, but I nod. Couldn’t argue if I wanted to, not while my throat is dried up.
“Could use one, myself.” A lie, but I need something to make me feel less like a creep for following behind her to go to the stalls. “Need to make a pit stop myself, then.”
We stop at my room, and I feel her eyes on my personal space. Honestly, the room looks untouched, and for good reason. I only ever sleep in here, that’s about it. Once I get what rest I can, I’m on my feet. That’s how it always is.
Once I’m fisting a pair of shorts, I’m leading her toward the showers.
A few of them are already being used. Good. The steam is the excuse I need for why my skin is feeling warm.
“I’ll try to be fast.” Hugging her pajamas closer to her chest, I notice the flush on her cheeks when I tell her to take her time.
Watching her slip into one of the stalls, I don’t miss the way she sneaks one last glance in my direction before she’s shoving the curtain closed.
Cursing under my breath, I shove my fingers through my hair and tell myself to relax. Acting like I don’t feel a thing is always easy. What’s different this time?
Shaking my head, I slip into the stall next to hers. Needing to be close, even when I shouldn’t,
The hot water is a relief to my sore muscles, but it’s not as relieving as it needs to be. Not when I’ve got temptation next to me, separated by a brick wall.
Hearing her soft sighs next to me, my imagination betrays me.
My head drops between my shoulders as the image is instant, vivid behind my closed lids.
Penelope, just feet from where I stand. Her hands, slick with soap, gliding over her skin.
The way her head would tilt back under the spray, water sluicing through her hair, down the elegant line of her throat.
I imagine it’s my touch, not the soapy water, tracing the curve of her hip, the softness of her stomach.
My thumb circling a nipple, her sigh echoing in the small space, meant for me.
Fuck, how many times have I fantasized just this scene alone while in here?
Cracking my eyes open, I frown at my cock. Swollen and flushed against my thigh, it’s the physical proof that it has a mind of its own.
While I know I shouldn’t lust after the woman, my cock doesn’t know the difference. It wants only one thing—her.
I haven’t always wanted her. Not that it makes it any better, but after so long, I realized I started caring about things I haven’t about another woman.
Before I realized what I was doing, I softened my edges whenever we shared the same space.
Bloodied my hands to get her justice. Became a man I never thought I could be.
Someone who truly wanted to be good.
The dream was always there, but she was there to remind me any time I felt doubt. Listened to my goals and got excited with me rather than doubting like many others. Celebrated my wins and tended my wounds during my losses.
Almost like a partner would. Just the thought is enough to make my cock swell, pulsing right along with my heart. Fuck.
I’m going to need to get her out of my system.
Wrapping my fingers around my cock, the weight is thick and heavy against my fingers. By now, I should have it memorized, this very same scene playing out too many times throughout the week.
This is the first time I’ve had her so close to me. I should be ashamed, hell, I should hate myself for it. However, just thinking about the way she smiles at me is more than enough to bat away any of the evil thoughts.
The water only feels hotter as I start to stroke myself. Shutting my eyes tighter, I can’t stop a groan from slipping past my lips.
My rhythm quickens, my breathing turning ragged, matching the frantic pulse of my blood. I can almost hear the hitch in her breath, see the parted lips, the dazed look in her eyes as she’d watch me suffer with nothing to satisfy these hunger pains but my fist.
My hips twitch and jerk as my imagination gets me through this moment of weakness.
A guttural sound catches in the back of my throat, swallowed by the drumming water. My release is a blinding wave, a pleasure so intense it borders on pain, spilling down the drain along with my resolve.
Left swallowing down my next few lungfuls of air, the shower wall does nothing to cool down the heat of my forehead as I use the wall for support.
Hearing her water turn off, I stay a minute longer so I can hide the shuffle of her changing while I’m under the stream. Then, I’m out, hoping she didn’t hear a peep.
Once I’m out with my old outfit tucked beneath my arm, I catch her waiting for me. Her skin is flushed, even past the shorts she’s wearing, and the t-shirt is swallowing up most of her top half.
Can’t tell if it’s the air making me this hot, or if it’s her. Definitely her.
Getting dizzy just looking at her, my body moves on its own toward her, like there’s a physical pull on me.
I don’t miss the way she sucks in a breath, not when she’s getting an eyeful of my chest. On a typical night, I don’t go flaunting myself. Instead, I head straight to bed, barely passing anyone long enough to let them enjoy the view.
Can’t walk past Pen when she’s looking at me with such wide eyes. Full of surprise, and possibly something else, I don’t think about covering up all the ruined pieces of my body.
Her eyes don’t leave me as she steps in my direction, meeting me halfway. Coming to a stop, I swallow the lump that forms in my throat when she reaches out.
I should stop her from touching me, but when have I ever told her no? I’ve kept my hands to myself to protect her, but she’s always been the curious type.
“You don’t…” She lets out a shaky breath as her fingers graze a slit against my side. “You sleep without a shirt?”
I don’t make a habit of flaunting my scars like some of these men.
While they’re proud of theirs, showing them off like proof of survival, mine feel more like moments of weakness.
Moments when I’ve let my guard down enough to take damage.
Having slept alone, I don’t usually have to worry about any watchful eyes.
No one looks at me like this woman currently is.
As her fingers slide up my stomach, toward my chest, I grab her wrist before she can reach the bullet wound I despise the most without thinking.
A gasp leaves her lips, and I can feel her pulse racing against my fingertips. She doesn’t look panicked, thank goodness. However, I can’t find the strength to uncurl my fingers.
“Does it hurt?” The question comes off as a whisper. Her eyes lock onto the faded white markings on my skin, most from the surgeries it took to save my life.
“Every day.” Admitting the truth comes out far easier than it should.
“What happened?” Her eyes lift, worry filling them. “You’ve never… This happened before I met you.”
Thinking about telling her the truth or brushing it off, I chew on my options. I shiver when she ignores my hold, reaching to run her thumb against the old wound.
My stomach clenches, and I have to admit, it isn’t pain that I feel radiating from the spot. No matter how I think, I hate how vulnerable I feel.
I should be strong for her, not weak like this.
Groaning softly, her hand drags lower before her fingers trace a slice against my ribs. Can’t even think about the injury when she’s touching me all on her own.
I can’t tell if I should tell her to stop or give her full rein. She’s never been this curious; this is new for both of us. Out of everyone in this clubhouse, she’s the only one I’d ever let do this.
Cautiously, she steps toward me, leaving hardly an inch between our bodies. Keeping her attention on my chest, her mouth purses together before her shaky breath tickles my skin.
I don’t move, frozen in place as I try to figure out what she’s doing. She’s never tried something so forward before. I don’t know what to do with it.
A shiver zips up my spine as she erases the space between us by brushing her lips carefully grazing the mark.
She presses a single kiss to my old wound, and the warmth feels strange.
For once, it doesn’t hurt. As her eyes flutter closed, I can’t help but wonder if she can feel my heart pounding against her mouth.
“Penelope—” Choking on her name, I take in the delicious pink of her cheeks.
A person so beautiful shouldn’t be real. I want to cradle her cheeks and kiss her. God, I’ve always wanted to kiss her. Every time I look at her mouth, I think about how soft it is. Even now, getting an eyeful of such pillowy lips against my skin is making the previous hunger feel nonexistent.
I want to make this mine. A voice in the back of my mind demands it. To take what I want, to finally get a taste of this woman. It’s a hunger I’ve spent too many years trying to shove back down, silencing it.
Already feeling my cock stirring back to life, I’m the one who has to take a step back. “We should go settle down. Tomorrow is a busy day.”
Her brows lift, surprised by her own actions. Pulling herself free, she cradles her hand to her chest and grimaces. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“Pen.” Sighing, I reach toward her, wanting to reassure her. However, before I can touch her shoulder, I notice the way her skin prickles up and curl my fingers, stopping myself from making contact. “It’s okay. It happened a long time ago. I’ve… I’ve forgotten all about it.”
I’m caught off guard by her frown. It’s like she can see straight through my lie. Is it that obvious?
“I just…” She sighs, looking defeated. “You’re holding back on us, Judge. Sure, maybe others aren’t picking up on it, but I can. Seeing you in pain—” Wincing, she grimaces, “—it hurts me.”
Fuck. That’s not what I want at all. Not to see her in pain, not to be the cause of it. Hell, I’ve made it my personal goal to make sure she never feels that way.
“You want to know what happened.” Stating the words more like a fact than a question, she nods, and I sigh.
Only people who know about this injury are Ripper and Stacks.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow, how about that?” Grimacing at the thought, my heart jumps with her when she suddenly smiles. God, it’s bright when she’s really feeling happy.
“Really?” Her smile lingers but soon softens. “Thank you. I hate being in the dark. It makes me feel useless.”
“You’re anything but.” Clicking my tongue, I clear my throat when one of the showers shuts off, reminding me that there are people inside. As heat trickles against my ears, I jerk my chin toward the door. “Now, let’s get some sleep.”
I’m going to need it, at this rate. Then again, who knows if I’m actually going to be able to get any.
Once we make it, I’m faced with another dilemma. Sleeping arrangements. As she curls up on the bed without a second thought, I stop myself from following right after her.
Instead, I collapse at the frame, taking a seat on the ground. It’s not cement, but the carpet isn’t great. Good enough for what I have to work with.
“Judge?” Her concern is back as I feel her eyes.
The bed is too small. If I joined her, I’d be taking up two-thirds of it, barely leaving enough room for her.
“I’ve got no issue right here.” I rest my back against the frame of the bed. “Just try to get some sleep, alright?”
It’s not just the bed size that’s concerned me. What if I’m wracked with another nightmare? Sometimes I thrash, sometimes I wake myself up with weak sounds. I… I don’t want her to see me like that.
The back of my neck prickles as I feel the warmth of her fingers ever so gingerly brush my skin. Turning to look at her, I can see the worry already filling her eyes.
“If you change your mind…” Pausing, she catches her bottom lip between her teeth and hesitates. “I trust you, Judge. I know you won’t do anything.”
That’s the thing. I want to do everything. However, if I get my hands on her, she’ll get scared again. I can’t let that happen again.
“Sure.” Nodding my head, I motion for her to lie down.
After pushing one of the pillows onto me so I can have some kind of comfort, she listens. Curling into my blankets, hugging them into her chest, she lets out the most contented sigh I’ve ever heard leave her lips.
I can’t let this go to my head. Can’t get used to this. Can’t let this become a distraction, either.
Tomorrow, if things go my way, Ghost will have the information I need. Hopefully, we can then make our move.