Chapter 7 Penelope
Penelope
Seven Years Ago
Everything is going to be okay.
As Raven drives us to the pharmacy, I claw at my thighs, trying not to squirm.
She’s going to be mad. She’s going to hate me.
I feel disgusting.
“About time you leave the house.” Muttering her thoughts, she scowls at the sky. It looks dark gray. She hates driving in the rain. “We have medicine at home, though. Do we really need to go?”
My nails dig deeper. “Thanks for being willing to take me.”
My body feels weak, my stomach clenching from emptiness. I tried to eat something this morning, but it came back up.
She purses her lips, rolling her eyes before tuning into the radio. Humming softly to the song, she nudges me to join her. I try, but I can’t put my heart into it.
The pharmacy comes to my rescue in more ways than one.
The woman at the entrance greets us with a welcoming smile. My palms cry in pain as I do the same.
Raven walks a step slower, letting me lead. We circle a few aisles.
“If you tell me what you’re looking for, I can help you find it.” Snagging a box of tampons, she stares at the fine print on the back. She makes this scoffing sound when I keep walking. She’s probably making guesses in her head, trying to figure out why we’re here.
We can play twenty questions if she wants, but I won’t be able to say it out loud. Being here is already too much, making what happened more real than it already is.
“Want to grab a snack while we’re here? They have those protein chips that slap. Cheddar cheese? Yes, please.” She keeps talking, filling the space with her voice, covering the panicking thoughts filling my head.
“No thanks.” My hands start feeling clammy. “Not hungry.”
Raven frowns, and I feel her eyes on me.
“Maybe a drink.” Trying to meet her in the middle, I think about it.
Do I need food in my stomach once I take the pill? What happens if I throw it up?
No food. No drink, either. I won’t take any risks.
The internet says this’ll work. It has to work. Is there an age restriction? I hope not. I should’ve looked into it better.
Taking one breath after another, I turn into the correct aisle and slow to a stop.
When we reach the section I’m looking for, Raven’s rambling goes to a complete halt. I don’t think I hear her take her next breath.
Reaching up, I pluck what I need from the shelf. My heart is pounding loud enough to block out whatever song is playing through the speakers up ahead.
How can such a small box be so expensive? My fingers run against the lettering before I read the words on the back.
My sister doesn’t ask me any of the questions I expect her to flood me with. I feel her eyes burning into my back, but I don’t look to confirm.
She’s mad. I can feel it.
Clutching the box, I’m thankful for the self-checkout. No strange stares, no uncomfortable chats. Just a plastic bag that feels like it weighs down my fingers as I leave the store.
We don’t get the protein chips. We should’ve looked at those first.
Once it starts sprinkling, all I have to listen to is the whoosh of the wipers and the tap of her thumb. I don’t have the strength to turn on the radio, not after she purposely shut it off once we got back inside.
Is she not going to ask? Do I want her to?
After holding these thoughts inside for two days now, I need some way to let them out.
A tiny part of me wants her to ask, so that I can get a little relief.
It’s been scary keeping it all to myself.
Making it back to the small home, she shuts off the car. I finally look at her, and I see the pain on her face. Not rage, but pain.
It’s because I didn’t tell her.
I wanted to, I did. But…
The silence irritates her, and she covers the hurt with a scowl.
She’s the one to snatch the bag from my lap, leaving the car and storming inside of the house, leaving me behind.
I’m really glad the house is empty today. She’s going to need time to cool down.
Following after her, I try to shove down the emotions rising in my chest.
“Raven.” Barely getting her name out, I watch as she yanks at the thin plastic, easily tearing into it.
“Let’s start with the obvious question.” Yanking out the box, she slaps it down on the kitchen island. “Why do you need this? No, who made you need it?”
This is not going to end well. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked her to drive. I could’ve walked. Maybe.
Even if she’s not going to like the truth, she’ll have to accept it. What happened, happened.
“Joy took you out to have fun.” Stating the obvious, my mouth twitches into an almost smile.
Their attempted mother-daughter bonding experience was a success.
She came home with a smile. Not a fake one when it comes to all the foster parents who take us in, but a real one. “I, um, had a little fun myself.”
Fun? Is that the right word?
Her anger doesn’t grow smaller, but her patience does. She waits, staring at me to continue.
“Dale said if you guys were allowed to have a good time, then we should, too.” Repeating his words, my stomach clenches like I want to throw up again. There’s nothing left in my stomach.
“Penelope…” Less anger, more of something else. Pity? Concern?
“He wanted to celebrate our birthday early, that’s what started the conversation.
” My lips tremble, but I keep my eyes on the box.
I want to pinch them shut, but every time I do, I remember.
“Joy would’ve scolded him if she found out that he bought me alcohol, that’s why he didn’t want to save any for you.
He wanted it to be a secret, just for us. ”
Her eyes go wide, and I hate the way she’s looking at me. This is why I didn’t want to tell her.
“I don’t know what kind it was. The bottle was really pretty, but the taste was awful. He said he bought it because it reminded him of me.” I swallow thickly, and my throat suddenly feels tight. “Not wanting to disappoint him, I drank it. One after another until it stopped tasting bad.”
The burning taste went away after so much. Unfortunately, the numbness only lingered in my mouth. The rest of my body, I felt everything.
“He’s always been so nice to me. Always leaning on me whenever those two fight.” I’ve purposely tried not to think about Joy during all of this.
He said I was growing into a fine woman now. Men were going to flock to me, but I had to be careful. Only a few would really appreciate me. Not like he does.
He said it was going to feel good. He lied.
I can’t tell her these things, though. Despite her being my go-to, I can’t find it in me to say the words out loud.
I’m embarrassed. Ashamed. Disgusting.
Raven’s always been in my corner. She’s the one person I don’t want to hate me. Now that I’ve told her, will she understand? I need… someone has to be in my corner. I can’t do this alone. These last two days have been torture.
I force a smile on my face and shake my head, hoping it’ll make the evil thoughts fly right out. She’s really overreacting about the whole thing. “He cares for me, kind of like you do.”
Speaking the wrong words, she snaps out of it. Where horror once was, rage comes flooding in.
“He does not!” The words leave her lips raw, unfamiliar. Pointing her anger at me for only a moment’s notice before she catches herself. “That fucker.”
Watching her look around, the debate in her eyes, and the way she’s clenching her hands, she’s looking for something. Her eyes glaze over the knife block, but it’s not enough. Not when her search continues.
“It’s not that big of a deal,” I start, surprised by her anger. “You’re overthinking it.”
“He got you drunk. Took advantage of you.” Raven reminds me through a hiss before she finally locks back onto me.
“Raven, I’m the one who said yes.” Forcing the words out, they feel wrong. “This is just… I’m just being safe. I’m not going to do it again. It—” My words catch in the middle of my throat, and my eyes water.
I’m not going to start panicking. Not now.
She pauses, dropping the box. Her head suddenly bows. “You’ve always come crying to me for every scrape or bruise.” A shaky breath leaves her, and she turns to catch my stare. “It hurt, didn’t it?”
She’s assuming, but she has too much confidence behind her words.
“It didn’t—” I suck in a breath, and I shake my head, unable to finish my sentence.
I’ve never been able to lie to her, have I?
It hurt all night. It throbbed the next day. I couldn’t stop throwing up.
She makes this sound, and the tears in her eyes dry. Expression stoning over, her feet carry her toward me. Instead of stopping, she moves right past me.
Leaving the kitchen, I have to focus on not having a panic attack as I follow her at her heels.
“Where are you going?” Catching her arm, hoping to stop her from doing something she can’t take back, I freeze up when she looks at me once I’ve caught her.
It’s the strangest thing, seeing her face twisted with so much rage. She looks like she wants to kill something, not just get revenge. I feel her murderous intent down to my very bones.
The look in her eyes makes my body freeze up, and fear ices its way through my veins. I try to breathe, but I can’t even remember how to.
“What do you plan on doing?” The question comes out as a whisper, the answer already known.
Jerking free of my grip, she heads toward the doorway of Dale and Joy’s bedroom. A place that makes me stop at the entrance. I can’t catch the shaky exhale that leaves my lips. Looking at their bed, I clutch the front of my shirt, trying to hold onto something.
Raven notices, and she lets out this laugh that doesn’t reach her eyes. Her painfully, misty eyes. “Here? Seriously? A married man going behind his wife’s back.” She pauses, shaking her head in disbelief. “Does Joy know? Is that why she wanted me to spend time with her? Were they in this together?”
I shake my head, leaving it at that. I don’t want her to think of the woman as anything but kind. She tried to be nice, unlike most. Tried to get Raven to open up to her, hoping money might be a way to do it when other ways hadn’t.