Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
Jess
Wow. Just…wow. I don’t know that this is my dream house, but it is certainly somebody’s. I mean wow . We pull up to a gated entrance where Alex keys in a code and then we wait for the black iron gate to swing in.
You can see the house (small mansion or moderate-sized lodge) from the main entrance, and it’s beautiful. It feels more Cape Cod than log cabin, but has hints of modern, mountain-esque bits of inspiration. Like exposed wood beams and gray stone columns. (This has Liam written all over it.)
I look over at Alex and he’s looking at me, seeming to try and read my reactions. So I tell him, “This is beautiful.” He sort of smirks and pulls up to a three-car garage. His Jeep is parked out front, but so are a few other vehicles. None of them belonging to Brit, though. My stomach sinks. I didn’t think she’d be here to welcome me, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t hoped. Right .
One of the cars parked out front is a white sprinter van, but then there’s also a Porsche SUV. Doesn’t really seem like Alex’s speed.
From the front of the house, you can’t really tell where we are in relation to the lake. Is this lake front? Lake view? Lake adjacent? Even if it’s none of those, it’s still an impressive and beautiful home.
As I unbuckle my seat and look up at the multistory house, Alex reaches a hand over, taking my own hand in his. I look down at where they’re joined. There’s a tenderness Alex shows me that feels almost out of character. And each time he does, it’s like my brain chemistry is altered. How can someone I thought could only ever be one thing also be this man who rubs my head and hugs me and kisses me with a gentleness that makes my heart crack?
It hurts not knowing what’s real and what’s not.
If this were a book, I’d start to wonder at what point this turns into some psychological thriller where Alex is just a man mad with grief, trying to replicate a life he used to have. It would end with him killing me, I’m sure of it. But this isn’t a book. Hopefully won’t be some psychological thriller, and with any luck, when he divorces me, it doesn’t kill me.
He pulls away and I immediately do the same, opening my door and moving to the backseat to unbuckle Eden who is starting to rouse awake.
I grab my purse and diaper bag, then walk towards the front door. When I turn to check if Alex is behind me, I get a chill and visibly shiver. It’s probably from the cooler temperature up in the mountains coupled with the setting sun. But, if I’m being honest, it’s the sight of this domesticated Alex. The Alex rolling two suitcases up the front path of our home. The Alex who comes around me to open the front door. The Alex who gets a smile on his face and says, “Hope you like it,” like he did this for me. “I’ll come back out in a few for the rest.” He motions to the car, then pushes the large front door open.
It’s light wide-plank oak floors. It’s cream walls and organic lighting. It’s airy, but cozy. Cream and white furs thrown over the backs of vintage leather arm chairs. There’s a linen slipcovered sofa, and a boucle coffee table against the backdrop of large windows that look out over Spearhead Lake. It takes my breath away. It’s dreamy. It’s a dream. (Fuck, this might be my dream.)
A few voices sound from the kitchen, so I wander towards the sound with Alex still following behind me.
The kitchen is light oak, custom cabinetry with marble counters and a six-burner commercial range. There’s cognac leather and rattan stools at the island, and an eat-in kitchen with a built-in bench and a highchair already pulled up to the round marble and iron table.
I sort of turn to look at Alex and he’s looking…shy?
“So, how’d we do?” he asks.
“It’s, I mean, unbelievable.”
When I turn back, I see a few familiar faces make their way out of the oversized walk-in pantry.
“Jess!” Constantine exclaims, making his way over to Eden and myself. I’ve met him once before at Britain’s Sunday-dinner-turned-engagement party. The same night…you know…with Alex.
“Hi, Constantine,” I go to reach out a hand to shake his, but he swats it away and opens his arms for a hug.
“We’re family now.” Oh. Right, because of Alex .
He gives Eden and me a quick squeeze, then embraces Alex.
“Liam let me in,” Constantine says, giving Alex a firm pat on the back. “Said he needed to get home to Brit and couldn’t stay longer.”
Alex shrugs, and then starts talking to Connie so I move to the side and wave a bit weakly saying, “Hey, Niko,” to the tall, dark, and handsome man eating a handful of M&Ms in my kitchen. ( My? Whoa, pump the brakes, Jess.) Niko is one of Constantine’s kids, and sort of like a pseudo sibling to Alex and Brit. It’s convoluted. It’s confusing. (Honestly I can’t keep track of their messy family tree.)
“Hey, Jess.” He nods in acknowledgement towards me. “Dad wanted to come see Brit. And also Alex’s new house. I’m just the driver.” He says by way of explanation. “Nice house, by the way.” He punctuates with a wink. It dawns on me I’m supposed to say thank you, because this is supposed to be my house with Alex.
“Yeah, thanks. Can’t take any credit for it, though.” Really, I can’t.
Alex says hey to Niko, too, then coming up behind me, he places both hands on my shoulders and rubs gently, easing the tension from the long day of travel while he continues to talk to his (I don’t know what the fuck to call them) people. (Dad and brother isn’t right, even though I’m pretty sure that’s the most accurate term for them.)
Oh gawd, though . His strong thumbs dig into my aching shoulders and my eyes roll back slightly. He notices I’m practically asleep, and clears his throat. He throws an arm around my waist and pulls me so I’m flush against his back. (Love that. )
“Well, I really want to show my fiancé her new house.” (My fiancé!) “You two won’t mind showing yourselves out?” Connie practically beams, a genuine, happy look on his face at this version of Alex. It is amazing, it’s like he’s someone else entirely.
“Alright, kids,” Niko dusts off his hands, picking up the Porsche keys sitting on the island. Niko pats Alex on the back before hauling his dad with him out the front door.
As soon as I know they’re gone, I expect Alex to release me. Show’s over. But he doesn’t, he nestles his chin against my shoulder, opposite to where I have Eden perched on my hip, thankfully with a pacifier securely in her mouth.
“Do you like it?” he asks softly, while his arm around my waist tightens slightly to pull me closer.
“I love it, Alex. Who wouldn’t want to live here?” He nods against my shoulder then releases me, but takes my hand leading me on a real tour.
Off the kitchen is a surprisingly well-stocked pantry, the mudroom, and a stairwell to the basement. Also on the first floor is a guest suite and an office. And then we head upstairs where he shows me two guest suites before opening a third hall door to a room that has a very obvious purpose.
There’s a lilac, slipcovered daybed, and a light oak crib. There’s subtle floral wallpaper and the light fixture is a small crystal chandelier. It’s a room for Eden. How…when? The question is written on my face as I look to him.
“It’s the daybed from Brit’s old house, and then I had Constantine pick up a crib in town.” Like that explains away the floral wallpaper or the lilac daybed cover. This room, it does something to me. It plants a seed, a hope, a dream, that he’s been planni ng this for longer than I’ve known. He wanted this before he knew anything about my future custody woes. (Alright, maybe that’s a stretch. Calm down.)
“Well, it’s beautiful.” I walk further into the room to see a large painting of a swan above a dresser that has a changing station set up and stocked. I mean, literally diapers and wipes already here. I motion and look at him.
“Yeah, there’s a service. Apparently. When you move into a new house, they come and stock it for you with…everything. From toilet paper to tampons. Liam suggested it. They’re still here, actually.” It’s like he’s thought of everything. I look over the crib, and yep, there’s a monitor hooked up and ready.
“Alright, one more room.” He leads me to the set of double doors at the very end of the hall that open to the primary suite. My palms get clammy. My pelvic floor clenches. This could be our room. Our bed. It’s beautiful with an upholstered headboard, white bedding, and about 50 fluffy pillows on top.
“Wow.” It’s all I can say. There’s noise from the bathroom so we head there next, past the dueling his-and-hers closets.
“Hi there!” A woman in her mid-forties greets me. “We’re almost done, I promise!” She has a box of lotion bottles in her hand that she’s using to stock the cabinets underneath the sinks that are already pretty full with feminine care and women's shaving products.
Wait . Does Alex want me to be in here? With him? Or is this just a generic stocking thing? My cheeks flame at the thought. I’ll never be able to resist him if we’re in the same bed. (I can barely resist him now. )
“Hi,” I say, remembering my manners. “No worries!” Alex places a hand on my shoulder. (So touchy-feely!)
Ignoring the third party, he asks, “Where do you want your bags?” My heart beats loudly in my ears. If it wasn’t for the fact I’m still holding Eden, I’d be fidgeting.
“Um, well.” I turn and start walking out of the bathroom so we don’t have an audience. “I’d prefer the guest room closest to Eden’s room, if that’s okay.” What I want to say is, “Where are you sleeping and how can I sleep there, too?” But I don’t. Because that would be crazy. (Right?)
He gives a quick, thin smile and lets go of my shoulder. Without a word, he turns, leaving me in his bedroom alone.
Yeah, I might be a bit despicable for what I’m about to do, but I’m curious. Walking over to the bedside table closest to me, I slide it open to see a fresh box of condoms and a bottle of lube. Oh . (Do we think the stockist did that?) I close the drawer and head to the other side.
I open it and my heart flat lines. A single photo sits in the drawer. It’s of Amy, and Alex, and Tally in the hospital, probably right after she was born. He’s still Amy’s, the mean little twat of a voice inside my head tells me. (I know, thank you!)
I shut the drawer and take Eden to her room where we sit on the carpet. (I sit, Eden crawls around exploring.) And I let a few tears fall. Just a few. How does anyone compete? How do you compare to that ? A goddamn idol? He’ll always belong to someone else.
I wipe away the tears, then stand up and start familiarizing myself with the setup. Then I take Eden with me to my room where I check out the bathroom and bedroom. It’s nice, albeit decorated rather generically, though there’s literally nothing wrong with it .
When I open the cabinet below the bathroom sink, I find menstrual products and women’s shaving supplies here, too. He definitely wasn’t planning on me staying in his room then. Glad I made the right call there. That would have been fucking embarrassing.
I do check the nightstands in this room, but don’t find any condoms. Or lube. So maybe those were Alex’s doing. You know what? good for him, I guess. Though I’m not allowed to have extramarital affairs, but he can? Bullshit . Umm, I think not.
Jess
Hi. We just got here. Can I come over?
Brit
Glad to hear. I’m a bit under the weather. Hoping to be better by Thanksgiving. I’ll let you know if I feel up to visitors before then.
I’ve literally taken care of her when she’s been sick. Multiple times. I’ve peeled her sick ass off bathroom floors. Since when does that mean I can’t come visit?
I can feel us drifting. The wedge of the “engagement” to Alex is pushing her further away because she knows what I won’t admit. That I’m lying. I’ve been lying to her. And she doesn’t trust that I’m with Alex for the right reasons. And she’s right. About all of it. I can’t even fault her for giving me the cold shoulder. It’s deserved. I’ve deserved this for a long time.
Okay, let me know if you need anything. Happy to help.
Liam and Carly have it covered, but thanks .
A weird feeling starts to settle over me. It’s loneliness and guilt and a longing. It’s all the things weighing me down. It’s loving people who’ll always love someone else more. It’s about keeping secrets from your best friend. It’s about keeping secrets from everyone. With a sigh, I open my messages back up.
Jess
Eden and I made it. Just wanted to let you know.
Tom
Okay. Have a good holiday.
Wasn’t really expecting more, but I’d hoped. I just want someone to talk to…
Jess
Hey, are you going to be at Brit’s for Thanksgiving?
Damian
Nope, you’re on your own. Well, I guess not anymore, huh? Your fiancé will be there… ??
Right.
How come you didn’t say anything?
Did you think I’d be mad?
No
Just didn’t feel right to tell anyone until Brit knew .
Don’t love the direction that’s going. I slip my phone in my pocket, grab my daughter, and head downstairs to figure out what the hell there is to eat here.