Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
Alex
You know when you get that new toy/bike/expensive gadget for Christmas, and it’s the one thing you’ve had on your list for like five years? And you finally get it? And you’re just fucking obsessed with it? You don’t want to put it down. You want to be with/around/doing the thing just constantly, right?
Right.
I can’t fucking keep my hands to myself. I think it’s confusing her. I know I’m confused. She practically sticks her tongue down my throat, but then ices me out on the drive home. She leans into me when I wrap an arm around her waist, but then she avoids me while we eat dinner. Which, to be fair, she’s busy feeding E…
Her phone starts vibrating against the kitchen counter, and I look down to see new texts from Damian. What the fuck ?
“Hey, your phone,” I point down at it when she looks over at me from the eat-in table.
She walks over to get it, and when she looks at the messages she sort of gets this weird look. Here we go again. I drop my plate in the sink, grab a beer and walk away.
I don’t really drink, to be honest. At least not to just drink. Which I guess I’m not really just drinking to drink right now. I’m drinking because I’m pissed. Probably not healthy.
I walk out to the back deck, down the nearly 50 stairs to the lake and just stand at the edge of the empty dock looking at the dark water. It’s cold. Not snow cold, but cold enough I’m regretting not grabbing a jacket.
A strong gust kicks up along the lake, blowing loose pine needles out and swirling into the water. Georgia .
Whenever it gets windy now, I think of my mom. Spread her ashes in Spearhead Lake this past summer. I can still see her ashes slip into the breeze and blow away. A life half lived, just dust in the wind. That’d be me, too.
Half lived.
When it’s Jess, though…nothing feels half measured. I feel like I’m all in. I feel like…I need to just tell her the truth and how I feel, and see if she still wants to stick around. But maybe she won’t, and maybe that’s what I deserve. Maybe this , living in my dream home with my dream woman who’s not really mine and is texting my best friend, is all I deserve.
B
Has the eagle landed?
A
Yeah
Coooooool
You could be here right now…
Maybe
?
I mean, Anya’s ghosting me, so…
In a fucked up way, I hope Blanks does come. It’d force Jess into my bed because fiancés who live together don’t sleep in separate beds.
Then you should definitely come.
I even think Brit and her man are fighting
REALLY?
No.
I don’t know, man, things seemed off.
Don’t fuck with me.
They might not be fighting, but if you want to be the backup, you gotta start socializing the idea now.
Yeah, you just really wanna see me, huh?
Sure.
I’ll be there tomorrow.
Perfect.
It’s not until my fingers a nd the tip of my nose turn numb that I finally turn in for the night. I decided to give Jess a little bit of space, to get acclimated on her own terms. And I also needed to calm the fuck down. I want to be there to help her, but it’s a fine line between hovering and helping for me.
I know I’m a little out of practice, but I still remember how to hold a toddler. Bathe one, change a diaper. But I don’t think Jess sees me that way. I don’t know if she’s forgotten I was a father once, or if she genuinely doesn’t want my help because every time I’ve been holding or helping with Eden, she always asks me to give her back.
I hear “space” when she does that, but maybe it’s that she doesn’t know how to accept help. I do know that pushing her the first night, after a long day, is a mistake. I know that. I can read a fucking room.
When I get back upstairs and inside, all the lights on the first level have been turned off. There’s no dishes in the sink, all the takeaway containers from Colton’s have been put away in the fridge. I can even see where she wiped down the floor where E made a mess with her pasta. She doesn’t need to do that. She’s not on her own anymore. You literally just left her alone tonight. Right.
In order to get to the primary bedroom, I have to walk past all the guest suites first. I stop at her door and listen, but after a few beats and no sound, I walk a door down to the nursery. When I stop, I can hear her singing her lullaby again. It’s sweet. How Jess is with Eden is different then maybe I expected.
Jess is a bit sharp-tongued, rough around the edges even, but with Eden she’s vulnerable and caring. Nurturing.
It hits me in the chest. This craving. For this. With her. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is I want, though.
As I hear her start to finish up, I walk to the end of the hall and wait a couple beats before walking back out of my room as she walks out of Eden’s. She’s dressed in the cutest fucking pjs. Baby pink with little flowers, shorts, with a button-up top. No bra either.
“Hey,” I say softly as the door clicks shut.
“Hey, I’m pretty exhausted. I’m heading to bed.”
“Of course. I just wanted to make sure you’ve got everything you need.” There’s an almost sad look to her expression.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Definitely not fine.
“Are you sure?”
“Yup,” her voice trembles. Definitely not sure. I advance a couple steps and pull her into my arms before she gets a chance to protest.
“Come here,” I whisper gently over her head. I feel her shoulders start to quietly shake. I don’t shush her, or really try to calm her. I just let her cry while I hold her. And then, I’m walking her to my bedroom, and away from hers.
I sit down on the bed, and pull her to stand between my legs. I run my hands up and down her back as she continues to hang her head against my shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask after a couple minutes. She shakes her head and I pull her up, into my lap in return. She comes easily, so I scoot back and make room for her. With her in my lap, her head on my chest, I rub her back. Long strokes up and down. She still has the monitor in her hand so I take it from her, putting it on my bedside table .
“Do you want to shower or take a bath?” I offer.
“No,” she says quietly. I want to ask if she wants to stay here, but then if I ask, she might say no. So I won't ask again. I just continue stroking her back, and eventually the silent crying ceases. Her breathing evens out and her body feels lax in my arms. She fell asleep. On me. In our bed. I get a little bit hard at the thought.
I hold her just a little bit longer, making sure she’s deep asleep, and then I lay her out on the bed. I adjust the pillows and pull the covers out from under her body, covering her.
Obviously the gentlemanly thing to do would be to go sleep in a different room. But I won’t be doing that. Instead, I turn off her bedside lamp, use the restroom and get ready for sleep. And then I’m crawling into bed beside her in nothing but my boxers.
I pull her body up against mine and settle into the perfect feeling of her entwined with me. Her limbs — her life — tangled with mine. It’s fucking perfect. We’re fucking perfect.
The sound of whimpering wakes me and I look over, checking the clock, 3:00 A.M. It’s 6:00 Eastern, though. I hope this doesn’t mean she’s up for the day. I was planning to get up with her when she is, but saying I slept great would be a flat-out lie. I was so damn excited to have her in my arms, I couldn’t fall asleep.
Turning on the screen for the monitor, I can see E is standing up in her crib with her paci on the floor beside her. Jess starts to stir at the sound, so I lean over and soothe her back to sleep. Dropp ing a kiss on her temple, I let her know I’ll go check on Eden. She gives a small “uh huh” in affirmation, then resettles.
As I walk to Eden’s room, I throw on a shirt, then pick up the thrown paci off the ground, giving it a quick wipe. She’s wearing a sleep sack, and her dark brown eyes are wide and watery when I approach.
“Hey, E,” I say gently. “Here we go. Let’s go back to sleep, babe.” She takes the paci from me, shoves it in her mouth, then plops her butt back down on the bed. I watch for a couple moments, making sure she rolls over and goes back to sleep, and when she does, I silently tip toe out of the room and back to my own.
I slip my shirt back off and climb back in bed, cementing myself against Jess, her back to my chest, my hand splayed across her abdomen, holding her. I close my eyes, willing myself to settle back to sleep, but it feels fucking impossible. And then Jess gives a subtle roll of her hips against my groin and, yeah, there’s no fucking way I’m going back to sleep.
I try not to read into it, but then she does it again, and this time, she moves her arm up, placing a hand over mine. And all the blood in my body rushes to my cock. As if she could get any closer, I pull her tighter and my dick wedges up against her ass.
Her fingers splay then thread with mine, and she rolls her hips again. “Jess…” I whisper out wantonly.
“Yes?” she asks back in a whisper.
I nudge closer to her ear, and whisper, “Tell me what you want.” Please be me. It’s a silent prayer to the gods. God. The universe .
She nods against me, “Please, Alex.” In one quick maneuver, I have her splayed out beneath me.
If I thought the view of her moving over me was the end all be all, I was wrong. This, the view of her laid out beneath me with rosy cheeks and a look of desire, is everything. My fucking Roman Empire. The hill I’ll die on. My very own Helen of Troy.
She starts unbuttoning her pajama top while I admire her. As she does, I slide her shorts down, revealing she’s not wearing any panties underneath. I groan at the sight of her pink lips, already wet and swollen for me.
While she works her top off, I scoot down and spread her legs. I slip my arms under her thighs and kiss my way way down her tan skin until I’m inches from her wet heat that smells so fucking delicious my dick is pained from the strain.
I look up at her while running a long lick across her soaking wet slit. Her head tips and falls back in response, her perfect tits and dusky brown nipples bouncing with her. Fuck. Fucked with a capital F. That’s what I am. Who the fuck could ever compare to this. This .
I settle in, feasting on her clit, sending her into an orgasm that has her hands clutching my hair and crying out my name. My name leaving her lips on an orgasm as she floods my mouth is a special kind of high. One I hope to experience time and time again.
“Baby…” I wipe my face off on the sheets. If that’s all this amounts to, I’ll be okay. I’ll have to go take a cold shower or get myself off later, but it’ll be fine.
“Come here,” she commands. Her hands reach up, grabbing at my shoulders, trying to get me over her again. I comply. She takes my chin in her hand and brings my mouth down to hers. With one h and on my chin, her other goes down, gripping my painfully hard cock in her hand. Don’t come, don’t come.
I’ve thought of almost nothing else, but her tight little cunt she let me feel in July. It’s November now. The way I need her is insatiable. I need her daily. I need her. That’s this feeling. It goes beyond want. It’s a necessity. Now . She’s fucking hooked me, and I’ve never been happier than at that fact. She could be leading me to a cold grave, and I’d follow. I’m merciless against her.
“Need this,” she says, her fist moving along my smooth skin under my boxers. She releases me, scoots my boxers down, and then with a slight movement of her hips, she’s lining me up and pulling my hips closer.
No, she had her chance to ride me how she wanted to, now it’s my turn to fuck her like I’ve been dying to. At first I move slowly, relishing the way her body pulls me in, makes me wet, and gets me comfortable in its new home. Being here is new, but I’m pretty sure she’s always been my home.
She’s the light left on.
She’s the warm blanket.
She’s the calm to my storm.
Once I’m fully seated inside her, she grinds against me. With her hands on my glutes, she pulls me, trying to get me deeper like I’m not already practically touching her fucking belly button. She lets out one of those little sighs and as much as I’d love to be gentle and really make love to her, I can’t.
I need to claim this pussy. I need to let her know it’s mine. So with a slow pull out, I quickly thrust back in. I pull her arms above her head, and with one hand I pin them down at the wrists. And then I’m rutting her. It’s a pounding. If I thought she didn’t lik e it, I’d stop, but her breathing quickens and her cheeks flush, her nipples drag back and forth across my chest, and I can feel her bearing down. I can feel her muscles clench and contract.
Placing a large palm on her pelvis, I apply pressure when she bears down on me again, and with the combination of our pressure together, she spasms and shakes beneath me. The sight, the feeling, sends a new-to-me warmth and thrill rolling through my body. My balls grow tight and the lightning flys up my spine as I release my cum into her perfect cunt.
“Fuck, Jess,” I pant out as she says my name over and over, softly. I release her arms and she immediately brings them to my back, dragging her fingernails gently across my skin. My body is still pulsing, still spilling, and I drop my forehead to hers.
“You’re fucking amazing, Jess.” I say it, to stop myself from saying what I really want, which is, “You’re never not sleeping in my bed again.” I want to tell her so much more. How she’s perfect. How I love the way she fits against me, how I fit inside her. How I never want to go another day without her here.
She runs a hand across my newly bare cheek and sighs in contentment. A simple smile spreads across her face and I wonder if there are things she wishes she could say, too, but it all feels too fragile. One wrong move and everything goes flying out the window.
I lower my mouth to hers and she opens for me, our tongues gliding against one another in perfect synchronization. I don’t want to leave her. Not her body, not her space, but I know I need to. I just hope she’ll still be here on the other side of it .
I slide out of her, leaving a trail of cum across her pink lips and I have to fight the urge to finger it back in place. Not sure she’d love that. Instead I just stare at where she and I are combined for a second too long. I look up and give her a smile.
“We’re fucking good together, baby,” I say, then watch as her cheeks turn crimson.
I reluctantly get up and head for the bathroom for a quick cleanup. She follows behind to do the same, so I watch her naked ass sway as she walks into the toilet room, thinking any man who doesn't want that ass must be out of his goddamn mind.
I don’t want any other man to want that ass, though. I want it to be mine. Mine for more than twelve months. Mine forever.
I wait back in bed, hopeful. Will she put her pjs on and slink back to her room? Or does she crawl back in bed? Does she want to cuddle? Will she just roll over and go back to sleep? Last time she eviscerated me by walking away.
When she comes back, she avoids putting any clothes back on, just crawling back into bed and rolling towards me with closed eyes. I won’t rock that boat. At all. I settle in, facing her too, but can’t help but lean over to give her a soft kiss. I can tell it surprises her, but I’m just so fucking glad she’s here.
“Get some rest, Jess.” I give her one more kiss now that her eyes are open, and she returns it, then settles in with a hand over my arm.
This time, I immediately slip into a deep sleep where I dream of her. In a long white gown and a ring on her finger.