CHAPTER 36
Bailey
As I shift my truck into park, the front door of the building opens, and Palmer comes out, her head swiveling side to side as she looks for me.
God, she’s so beautiful. The warm weather has been perfect for her to start wearing those sundresses that I love on her so much.
Her hair whips in the breeze, and she pulls her denim jacket tighter across her chest. Palmer spots my truck, a worried expression written on her face, and she skips down the stairs to make her way toward me.
I open my truck door and slide out as Palmer rounds the corner of the car next to me. Her brow is furrowed, and her face is serious. She’s worried, and that’s all my fault. I just didn’t want her to hear this over the phone. She deserves more than that.
“Hey, beautiful.” The corners of my mouth turn up in a soft smile as I hold my arms open.
“Hey.” Palmer steps between them and melts against me.
My body relaxes around her, like even it knows she was made for me. I close my eyes and inhale her, memorizing her voice, the feel of her body against mine, the way she smells, everything.
“Bailey?”
“Hm?” I don’t move.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you.” It’s not a question, and the finality of it wrenches my stomach even harder.
“Yes.” I step back so I can see her face, which has suddenly gone red. Her eyes search mine, looking for something. Comfort, maybe? But they find none, so instead, she begins digging for answers.
“When?”
I brush her hair out of her face and rest my hand against her cheek, rubbing my thumb back and forth across her skin. “I have to be there in an hour. That’s why—”
“That’s why you’ve got your bag in your front seat. And then you’ll be gone?”
I nod. The two of us are silent, lost in our own thoughts. Her doing the math, and me throwing wishes into a well I know is bottomless.
I wish I wasn’t having to have this conversation.
I wish we could just go back to the bubble we were in last night and debate the merits of spaghetti versus chicken parmesan while we played with Mouse in the backyard as we waited for takeout that was neither of the foods that we had been debating.
I wish she was asleep on my chest, and I was spending my night just listening to her soft snore followed by her exhale against my skin.
I wish it was six a.m. again, and I was kissing her awake.
I wish I had met her before I joined the Army or even a couple years ago.
I wish I would have known her forever, because the thought of spending a day without her is tearing me apart.
She has become as much a part of me as my own DNA, even though I promised myself she wouldn’t and couldn’t.
Despite telling myself this was just a phase for her, it wasn’t and isn’t for me.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
And yet, for all my wishing, it doesn’t change the reality of this situation.
Palmer breaks the silence first. “For how long?”
Clearing my throat, I respond, “I’m not positive. At least six months, probably longer.”
“Where at? What are you going to be doing?” Her voice shakes as she holds back the tears threatening to spill over. “It’s just another training, right?”
I pull her lips to mine and brush them gently across before shaking my head slowly. “No. It’s not. I can’t tell you where I’m going or what I’m doing.”
Her ragged inhale makes my heart ache, especially as she takes a step back from me, removing her from my touch and leaving a gaping chasm between us, leaving my heart to go tumbling into it.
“I just… wanted to tell you that I am. I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”
“Oh. Um, okay. Well, I guess, good luck and… I don’t know what else you want me to say.” Palmer loses her battle against the tears, and they spill down her cheeks as she scrambles to avoid looking me in the eye.
“Palmer,” I start, but she cuts me off with her hand up.
“It’s fine, Bailey. There’s nothing you need to say.
You don’t owe me anything. I don’t even know why I’m fucking crying!
” She swipes her arm across her face in an attempt to staunch the flow of tears, but it doesn’t help.
“Thanks for everything, I guess.” Palmer grabs my hand and shakes it, then turns on her heel and walks away from me.
The vice around my heart clamps tightly closed, making it difficult to breathe.
This is what she wanted. This is her clean break, the end of this phase, the end of us.
She’s crying because endings are sad. I get that.
Been there, done that. I can get in my truck and leave, knowing I gave her exactly what she asked for, nothing more, nothing less.
Except I can’t.
“Palmer!” I jog after her. “Palmer, wait.”
She stops and turns to face me, her cheeks damp from crying despite her efforts to dry them. “Bailey, I’m fine. It’s not that big—”
I cut her off with my lips on hers and kiss her as if it’s the last time I might ever get to.
My arm wraps around her waist, and my other hand pulls her face against mine.
Palmer’s hands move tentatively up my biceps until her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me toward her.
Her tears dampen my face, and I keep kissing her.
Palmer is the one who breaks the kiss, pulling back mere millimeters. “Um—” Her voice is gravelly from crying and her nose being stuffed. “What’s that for?”
“There’s something else you need to know, Palmer.” I pull back to look at her red cheeks, runny nose, and glossy eyes.
Here goes nothing.
“I love you.”
Palmer’s eyes widen, and I continue because I know if I don’t get it all out now, I might not ever.
“I know this is really sudden, and I don’t expect you to say it back.
I just… the thought of leaving and you not knowing is killing me.
I promise I had a plan to tell you in a way more romantic way.
I love you so much. I’ve loved you since you told me to run over that box of Clay’s stuff.
I fall asleep with you in my arms and dream of you, then get to wake up to you in my arms again.
You are my reason for living, and my world stops spinning when we’re apart.
And—and I know a little about a lot of things, but there is nothing I have ever been surer of in my life than the fact that I love you. ”
I take a step back and heave a heavy sigh, preparing for the worst. “I just… I just wanted you to know.”