Chapter Thirteen Levi
3 YEARS AGO
I wasn’t trying to die.
At least I don’t think I was.
I just needed to exercise, get the energy out and an evening swim sounded like the best way to do that. It was too cold to go running anyway and a wild night with a couple of models didn’t sound appealing either. Something was eating at me, but I didn’t know what it was exactly. I’d been feeling weirder than usual since the night at Adam’s apartment.
Adam.
His face flashed before my eyes, and I cringed. I didn’t want to think about him anymore.
Swimming.
Right.
I dove in, swimming the length of the pool. The cool water felt good against my skin, not too icy to seize my muscles but cold enough to make me alert. It was like I could hear my heartbeat, could feel my muscles tensing and relaxing as I moved my arms in a rhythmic freestyle.
When you’re a child, you always dunk your head in the water to see how long you can hold your breath. You make a competition out of it with your friends and when you win, you’re all blue and breathless. I never won but I hadn’t tried in a while.
So, I tried.
I counted the seconds, one by one, letting time tick around me. My muscles relaxed, bubbles of air escaping me and rising to the blurry surface above me. I was on ten seconds now. Slowly, my mind was quietening.
Twenty seconds.
I could barely remember the night at Adam’s.
Thirty seconds.
I saw my mother’s face, the first time I passed a test that was meant for someone in seventh grade when I was six.
Forty seconds.
My father taking me to my first cricket game—Three Lions vs The Springboks.
Fifty seconds.
Having Nathaniel Feldstein, sixth form cricket captain, on his knees for me in my dorm room after sneaking edibles.
Sixty seconds.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
The seconds passed by until it all became black. The thoughts inside my mind stopped, I felt no guilt, just silence—for the first time in a while everything felt still.
I woke up the next morning in a hospital bed, my parents in tears beside me. When I looked at them, their eyes were so sad I felt my heart break.
“Do we need to get you some help, sweetheart?” Mum asked.
I knew if they sent me to one of those fancy rehab places people call ‘retreats’, all their friends would gossip and mock them. So, I smiled and shook my head. “Mum, I think I was tired and fell asleep. I promise I’m fine.”
Both of them had smiled, relief all over their faces. Relief that I was alive and relief that they wouldn’t have to deal with the all-too-common scandal of a fuckup son.
***
It’s Friday evening, and the days have gotten longer. Outside, the sun still lingers past 5 p.m. and the trees in the garden have begun to grow new leaves, readying themselves for spring. It has been seven weeks almost since Cole and I began this thing with Kai, and I can’t find it in me to want to stop.
He laughs at something Aleeta says and I watch the corners of his eyes crinkle, his nose wrinkling slightly. My mind flashes back to earlier in the week when I kissed him—twice. Both times I did it because I needed to. It was like my mind wouldn’t stop begging me to pull him close at every given opportunity.
I don’t know why that is yet, and I don’t know when exactly I moved away from just getting him out of my system to kissing him in the middle of an art exhibition but it’s not scaring me as much as it should.
Being with Kai is like being caught in some kind of dizzying spell. Everything about him is different from Cole and whilst sleeping with him should probably drive some wedge between us, it seems I’m more desperate for him than before. When I’m not fucking Kai, Cole is fucking me and I’m both exhausted and content. It’s unfamiliar, but I don’t let myself overthink it. This is good. It’s something easy.
I keep watching him now as he talks to Aleeta about something I’m barely paying attention to. He smiles, eyes fluttering and his Adam's apple bobbing ever so slightly.
“I’ll be right back,” he announces, sliding off the kitchen stool, and leaving me with Aleeta.
Once he's gone, she eyes me closely, drying some silverware. “He’s nice,” she says.
“He is,” I say but I can tell she wants to say more.
She sighs, “Levi, I know this is none of my business and I might be crossing a line here—”
“You could never cross a line,” I assure her.
Aleeta used to work for Cole’s grandparents and when they left, she stayed here taking care of the house. She’s as much a part of the family as I am.
She nods. “I just mean, he’s really sweet and I don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t want any of you to get hurt.”
Of course, she would know we’re all having sex. We don’t try very hard to hide it from her but knowing that she knows makes me flush a little. Aleeta is like my mother and I’d rather she not think of me as anything but sweet and respectful, even though the things we do to Kai are anything but.
I know what she means though and as much as we were all clear on this being just sex, I also know that those boundaries have been hazy for a while now. Kai is over all the time. He and Cole have a little book club going. I have lunch with him whenever I can and we’re on the fifth Harry Potter movie. It’s not just sex. It’s a friendship too, but friendship means feelings.
Feelings can get complicated.
So much for surface level, Levi.
We’re teetering on a line—I’m teetering on a line, but I can’t help myself. Selfishly, I want to keep him. I want him and Cole even though I know I shouldn’t.
I try to look reassuring when I tell her, “No one will get hurt.” I want to believe it too.
Aleeta watches me carefully, then nods once, going back to her silverware.
When Cole gets home, Kai and I are having dinner on the kitchen counter. He’s coming from the gym with Kez, his hair damp, and his skin a little flushed. I notice Kai eye him from head to toe and I can’t help the hint of pride that swells inside me. Ideas of what I want to do to both of them tonight pop up in my mind. I wonder how Kai feels about being gagged.
“Kez convinced me to come out with her,” he says, running a hand through his hair.
I raise my eyebrows. Convincing Cole to go out is like trying to convince a cat to take a nice long bubble bath. “How did she manage that?”
He purses his lips. “She beat me at kickboxing.”
“Kez beat you at kickboxing?” Kai asks.
He has a point. Kez is lithe and tall but there is no way she could overpower Cole.
“She is a pretty strong girl,” Aleeta says from the dishwasher.
“She cheated,” Cole says pointedly. “But the condition was if she wins, I have to come with her to a club opening for work. Which means you are coming with me.”
“Here I was hoping we could continue our Harry Potter marathon,” I say. Amongst other things, I don't add because Aleeta is here and I’m still a bit spooked that she knows I’ve had sex before.
“I don’t know what’s worse,” Cole murmurs. I laugh because he has become more invested in the movies than Kai and I.
“Oh, I’ll uh head home then and see you guys another time,” Kai says, looking a little disappointed.
Cole visibly frowns. “Where are you going?”
Kai opens his mouth, then closes it before opening it again, “Oh, I just thought…”
He thought the invite didn’t extend to him. “You’re coming with us,” I say. “Anant’s away and there’s no way you’re leaving me alone with him and Kez.”
Admittedly, in the earlier stages of our relationship, I was unreasonably jealous of Kez, but I get it now. Somehow, she’s managed to break through to a part of Cole even I can’t reach.
Kai looks between us as if trying to land on something to say. “Uh—I have nothing to wear.”
I grin. “Good thing there’s a whole closet full of clothes.”
The Marionette is in the heart of Mayfair. It’s a footballer, reality TV star and Chelsea socialite’s playground which is exactly what the club is filled with tonight. Kez’s friends join us, all beautiful influencers who constantly snap pictures of themselves to get paid an insane amount of money for a single post. I respect it.
It’s been a while since I’ve been out to a real club, and the familiar reverb of pumping music is almost welcome. In the two and a half years of being with Cole, I’ve become domesticated, but I prefer it this way. Sleeping in the arms of the person you love beats out the stench of cigarettes and dubious white lines on a kitchen counter in some future baron’s flat in Peckham.
Kez links her arm with Cole and leans into him. “I can’t believe you actually came!”
“I’m not here because I want to be,” Cole says, but he lets her hold him.
Next to me, Kai’s eyes scan the vast expanse of the club. There are stars on the ceiling, and they twinkle down onto the expensive velvet and marble. Dancers in suspended cages move to the beat effortlessly in skimpy outfits, their long limbs shimmering in gold.
“How much would they have to pay you to dance up there?” Kai asks.
I look up at the dancers again. The idea of horny men and women gawking at me all night makes my skin crawl. Honestly, you couldn’t pay me enough. I turn back to Kai. “A million pounds at least.”
He gazes at me with wide eyes. “No way, really?”
I huff out a laugh. “You seem surprised.”
“I don’t know, you’re always so confident.” He shrugs. “I thought you were going to say that you’d do it for free.”
After they made me skip a few grades in primary school, I quickly learned how to become palatable to the older boys in my class.
Rule number one: I should never sound or act smarter than them even if I was.
Rule number two: I should always laugh when one of them makes a joke about the geography teacher’s tits.
I knew how to hide the shy, anxious boy inside me with quick smiles and later on with my tattoos, but he was always there, and he still is.
“How much would they have to pay you?” I ask.
Kai shrugs. “It’s too dark up there to see a face. Give me a few shots and maybe fifty pounds and I’m down.”
“I’ve got fifty pounds right now.” I grin.
Kai laughs, leaning against me. “Just need the shots now.”
Around us, the music is loud, strobe lights blending into each other as bottle girls emerge from the shadows dressed like Playboy bunnies with bottles and sparklers at regular intervals. I watch on with a hint of amusement as a few of Kez’s friends all but claw at each other to get Kai’s attention. One of them grips his thigh and he loudly clears his throat, scooting away and closer to me ever so slightly.
Next to me, Cole reaches for a bottle of water and hands it to me after twisting open the cap. “You’re on your fifth shot,” he says, “Drink,” he instructs.
I raise an eyebrow but drink happily. Arguing is pointless.
He picks up a second bottle and holds it out to Kai.
“Oh, I’m not thirsty,” Kai says.
I smirk. “You should just drink,” I tell him over the music.
He frowns, eyes full of questions.
“Do you want me to hold open your mouth and force you, princess?” Cole asks, voice low.
Princess. Cole calls him that sometimes during sex and I’m only mad I didn’t come up with it first.
Kai’s eyes widen but he takes the bottle in Cole’s hand and takes a long sip, making a show of it.
Cole smiles. “Good job.”
He blushes and maybe this isn’t the right time but something about it makes all the blood in my body rush down to my dick and I have to shift just so I don’t tent in my pants.
“Okay, you three, stop flirting,” Kez says. “Kai, we are going to dance. Come with us?” She doesn’t let him respond, pulling him up and dragging him into the mess of writhing bodies. I lean into Cole, the tequila working its magic and making everything hazy at the edges and warm.
“Having an awful time?” I look up at my boyfriend.
He plants a small kiss on my lips. “Do I look like I am?”
I assess his face, even though he has not had anything to drink, he looks relaxed.
“Surprisingly no,” I say.
“I’m happy wherever you are, Evie,” he whispers, grinning.
I snort, but before I can say anything, a voice comes across me. Mia, I think, one of Kez’s friends leans over to grab a bottle of water from the table.
“Are you two together?” she asks.
I look at Cole and smile. “We are.”
She pouts slightly. “Well, if you are looking to have some fun later on, let me know.”
I open my mouth slightly. It’s been a while since we’ve been prepositioned so openly. Usually, most people just stare. I suppose she is conventionally attractive, the kind of attractive that could make her money without saying a word with long blond hair and naturally full lips. She’s the kind of girl I would have happily slept with before Cole and probably the kind of girl Cole would have gone for before me.
My eyes drift to Kai who is in the middle of Kez and her other friends, hips moving along with them. He’s mesmerising.
“Oh, I get it,” she says after a moment, pulling my attention back to her. “You’re both looking at him like you want to devour him.” She points her chin toward Kai. “Lucky him.”
I don’t know who the lucky one is. I’m caught in the way Kai moves against Kez, holding her hips and moving her body against his. The other girl’s arms go over his shoulders to touch Kez and it’s spellbinding how perfect Kai looks, slotted between them.
“Want to dance?” Cole whispers in my ear.
My attention snaps back to him and his eyes are shining, nothing but mischief behind them. I look back at Kai, still between Kez and her friend then hold my hand out to Cole.
“Thought you’d never ask.”
The music pumps from the speakers and Kai moves between Cole and I. His arms go around me, the material from his clothes somehow starting a fire on my skin. He leans back into Cole, eyes hazy from the alcohol and a smile dancing on his lips. Behind him, Cole wraps his arms around his waist, pulling him flush against him.
I want to taste his lips. I want to kiss him just like I did during the exhibition and outside his apartment building. His eyes meet mine and he smiles, eyes heady with desire. It’s like he’s daring me, and I don’t want to refuse him. I don’t think I’d ever want to.
I move to him, placing my hand at the base of his neck to pull him in and it’s like the world around the three of us melts away, the music slowing, the laughs muting. He tastes like tequila and something sweet and he parts his lips easily, letting me take charge. I revel in the quiet moan that escapes him as he bunches my t-shirt in his fists.
I pull away for a second, watching Cole trace the column of Kai’s neck with his lips. Kai’s head falls back against him, mouth parted, his eyes fluttering under the lights. Heat travels down to my cock again and I’m hard in an instant. Watching my boyfriend with someone else shouldn’t be this hot but here we are.
Kai leans back and whispers something in Cole’s ear. His eyes meet mine and he smirks. Somehow, I know what he’s thinking when he takes Kai’s hand and leads us through the crowd. I don’t miss the way Kez looks at us as we move past her and her friends.
We end up in the private bathroom upstairs and in a second, Kai’s mouth is on mine, his lips tracing the column of my neck as I fumble for the button of his jeans. Electricity ripples on my skin and everything feels hot, despite the blasting air conditioner above us.
“I have a plug in,” Kai whispers against my mouth.
I pause, realising that’s what he said to Cole downstairs. Behind him, Cole grins. “Did you have it in you this entire time?” I ask, breathless.
Kai smiles, a little sheepishly. “Put it in when I got to your place earlier. I wanted it to be a surprise.”
Oh fuck, I think, remembering when he’d escaped to the bathroom earlier. My cock thickens in my pants, and I know Cole is hard too. His eyes gleam with lust and I want them both so badly it hurts.
“Aren’t you full of surprises,” I say, leaning against the black granite of the sink. The walls in here are a matte black stone, the golden lights stuck into the dark ceiling above us.
“Tell us what you want,” Cole says, and the look on Kai’s face is priceless. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights.
I tilt my head to the side. “C’mon, baby, you started this,” I say, grinning. “What do you want?”
Kai looks between us and swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing a little. I want to bite him right there and maybe draw blood.
“Both of you,” Kai says finally.
“And what do you want us to do?” I ask. I can tell he’s getting flustered, and it just makes me want him more if that’s possible. I slide onto the granite counter, and lean against the mirror, deciding to put us all out of our misery. “Why don’t you come to use your pretty little mouth on me?”
He watches me for a moment, his chest rising and falling softly, his curls a mess on his head and his lips flushed pink from all the kissing. He looks ruined and we’ve barely done anything. Finally, he takes a tentative step forward and reaches up to kiss me lightly before bending over and unbuttoning my pants. My cock springs out, excited by the hint of attention. Kai gazes up at me, eyes glazed over. I can’t help it; I kiss the tip of his nose.
“Let’s make this fun, shall we?” Cole says, pulling our attention to him. “If you keep your mouth on Levi the entire time I’m fucking you then we’ll let you come. If not, then you don’t get to do so tonight. Understood?”
Kai’s lips part and then he nods once, determination in his eyes. “Easy,” he says lightly, a little smile dancing on his lips.
He turns back to me and opens his mouth to wrap his soft lips around me, not bothering to tease me. My back arches slightly against the mirror when his tongue swirls around my shaft, expertly licking down before lifting his head again, slow and sensuous.
“You’re so fucking perfect, Kai,” I say, my voice strained when he sinks lower, taking me in completely. He uses both his hands to keep stroking me whenever he pulls off, big brown eyes trained on me, and it drives me to near insanity. I have to fight my urge to push him down so I can fuck his throat instead. It’s like he was born to do this, and my mind is pleasantly fuzzy at the sensitivity of his tongue swirling against me.
Kai jerks forward slightly and I watch Cole pull out the blue silicon plug and smack his ass once. “You’re such a desperate slut,” he laughs and Kai moans, like he agrees.
Cole lines himself up against his ass and he doesn’t give him time to adjust, moving his hips forward, sinking into Kai slowly and completely.
Kai breathes heavily through his nose, a muffled whine escaping him, but he doesn’t stop trying his best to choke on my cock. It’s kind of impressive honestly. My eyes meet Cole’s, and he smiles, snapping his hips forward into Kai who lets out another soft cry. My hands move into his hair, my head falling back.
“There you go, princess,” Cole says. “Looks like we’ll let you come after all.”
It’s a frenzy of moans and whilst Kai puts up a good fight when Cole circles his hips, he pulls off me and grips my thigh tightly to keep himself steady. Tears dance in his eyes and he’s so painfully beautiful, I can’t help but card my hand through his hair to push him back onto me.
“I didn’t say you can stop, baby.”
Kai obediently wraps his pretty mouth around me again and I come down his throat, feeding him every last drop.
When we get home, Cole and I both make sure Kai comes until tears stain his face and neither of us can keep our eyes open.