Chapter Fourteen Cole
13 YEARS AGO
Two men sat bloodied before me in metal chairs. Their hands were bound behind them, and their teeth clattered from the unforgiving December cold.
It was two days before Christmas, Nick and I were home for the holidays, and it was snowing outside. But unlike most fourteen-year-old boys, I didn’t get to play in the snow, instead, I was in an old warehouse staring at these two men with broken noses and bloodied faces.
My father hadn’t said a word since we arrived. Instead, he nodded at a man who came up to both Nick and I with two silver pistols in his hand. I stared at it wordlessly whilst Nick happily took it from the man, like he had been waiting for this day to come.
“Take it,” my father demanded.
I knew that voice. A sharp slap came next if I didn’t obey so I took it, the weight unfamiliar in my hand.
“I need you to shoot, Cole.”
One of the men wailed, words spilling out of his mouth in undecipherable gibberish. He was begging my father not to do it, begging me. Bloodshot eyes met mine, flooded with fat tears and mixing with snot and crimson.
I stared back at him. I didn’t want to do it. Not because I thought it was wrong, but because I knew I might like it—and if I liked it, I wouldn’t stop.
Next to me, Nick was smiling, pointing his gun at his target, eager to please our father. I tore my eyes away from the man and wordlessly held out the gun to my father. Disappointment flared in his eyes, but he took the gun and shot, hitting the man right in the face. Chunks of brain matter flew everywhere.
Nick followed, missing once before hitting his chest.
Blood pooled around them, dripped from their clothes onto the chair and finally onto the floor, their bodies sagged like bags of grain.
I’d pay for defying my father but a hit across the face beat out watching my back for the rest of my life.
That evening, I called my grandmother and told her I was moving to New York.
***
It’s Saturday and Levi left a few days ago for Shanghai for work. As a result, I’m forced to hang out with Kez who is sitting across from me with designer sunglasses that are way too large for her face. Never mind the rain outside.
“So, are you going to tell me what last week Saturday was about?” she asks as she moves back the sunglasses until they are at the top of her head.
I lift an eyebrow, feigning innocence. “What are you talking about?”
Kez rolls her eyes. “Oh, c’mon, Cole, I’m not stupid,” she says. “You and Levi are fucking Kai, aren’t you?”
Not that it’s secret, and I’d never hide anything from her but hearing it out loud from someone else is strange. For the last seven weeks, Kai, Levi and I have existed in a bubble of intense sex, Harry Potter marathons and books. I’ve been having the best time.
I cock my head to the side. “What makes you think that?”
Kez gives me a blank stare and I laugh. We have been my best friend since I was eight. She’s probably my only real friend. The only person outside my grandparents who knows who I truly am and doesn’t care.
Her father worked with my father before he was involved in a fatal car crash. The first time we met, she’d given me one look and declared us best friends forever, enveloping me in a tight hug. I was seven and it was the first time anyone had hugged me since the Socks incident.
It made me feel strange and I tried to avoid her for the rest of the afternoon, but she wouldn’t leave me alone. She started showing up at our house every weekend, convincing her parents that since we were best friends, we needed more play dates.
She wore me down and at some point, during that year, she went from being an outright nuisance, to mildly tolerable and then eventually my best friend. After I moved to New York, she would visit during half-term and Christmas breaks. For a long time, she was all I had.
“Shit,” Kez says, eyes wide. “You are sleeping with him. I mean when I saw you making out on the dancefloor, and then disappearing to the bathroom, I figured something was definitely going on but hearing you admit it is…” she trails, shaking her head.
“You’re judging,” I say.
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head. “No! No! How could I judge? Kai is stunning. I’m just surprised, that’s all.”
I lift an eyebrow because I know she wants to say more.
She rolls her eyes as if something is obvious and I’m missing the point. “Have you met yourself?” she asks. “The moment anyone so much as lands their eyes on Levi, you look at them like you’re going to murder them. I guess I’m just surprised you let Kai anywhere near him or you for that matter.”
She’s right.
Before Kai, the idea of anyone else having Levi made me sick but there was something about him from the moment he walked into Levi’s office that afternoon. I was intrigued, even though I was willing to ignore it. But then, Levi felt the same and it has all snowballed into this–fucking in a club bathroom and having the best orgasm of my life.
“So, do you like him?” Kez asks.
“I wouldn’t be sleeping with him if I didn’t,” I point out. I know that’s not what she means but I don’t know how to answer the question.
Do I like Kai?
I like how his eyes light up when I give him a new book. I like how gentle he is although I’m sure he’s lived a life that does not promote gentleness at all. I like how well he fits between Levi and I. But I know I shouldn’t. Liking him past sex is a terrible idea.
“You aren’t funny,” Kez mutters, biting into her raspberry tart. She chews for a second. “But are you sure this is a good idea? It’s fun now but I’ve seen enough movies and read enough books to know that it could get complicated.”
“Then we stop.”
It sounds easy but I don’t like the idea of stopping. I’ve grown greedy.
Kez narrows her eyes. “You’re being weirdly na?ve about this. It’s unlike you. Where is the objective, pragmatic Cole we all know and kind of like?”
Kez is right. This is so far from something I would do. Kai is an abnormality that should make me uncomfortable. I’ve always worked in patterns and logic. I’ve always known who I am. Kai fits into none of my patterns. Doctor Phillipe would have a field day with this one.
“I’m trying not to think about it.”
She loses her smile. “I’ve known you for most of my life, Cole. I’ve been there for all of your unconventional explorations–the BDSM club was particularly fun–but there’s something different about this. You seem different.”
Something is different. I’m just not sure how.
“Maybe,” I say with a shrug. “But I’m happy.”
Her eyes narrow again before letting out a quiet breath. “Okay, then I’m happy too,” she says. “Now, let’s talk about me!” She claps her hands and launches into the drama of being a model and public figure. I listen intently, giving her the necessary reaction when needed and offering no practical advice or solutions. I tried that once and she didn’t speak to me for days.
When I leave lunch with Kez, something has me reaching for my phone and pressing Kai’s number. I haven’t seen him in days. Work has been busy, and Levi has been away.
It hits me as I wait for him to answer that we have never been alone together. I know he sees Levi at work during lunch and they went to the exhibition together but my conversation with Kez is ringing in my mind. Something does feel different with Kai, but I can’t pinpoint what it is or why. It makes me want to test out a theory.
“Cole?” Kai answers on the first ring. “Is everything okay?”
He sounds unsure and I feel a slight edge of nervousness which is strange. I’m never nervous.
“Everything is fine,” I say. “What are you doing?”
There is shuffling on the other end then, “Oh, um, just getting home from some grocery shopping.”
“Would you like to come over and have dinner with me?” I ask.
“Oh, uh, sure. That sounds nice,” Kai says, he sounds less cautious now.
“I’ll pick you up,” I say.
“You don’t have to,” he says quickly.
He needs to learn how to let other people do things for him. “Kai,” I say.
He laughs quietly. “Fine, see you soon.”
Kai and I settle on Chinese and eat it over the kitchen counter. Somehow, we’ve ended up on the topic of ghosts and Kai is staring at me, chopsticks hanging in the air.
“But how can you not believe in ghosts?” he asks.
“Because I’ve never seen one,” I shrug.
“Have you ever seen a blue whale?”
“No, but other people have and have taken pictures. They are pretty well documented,” I reason.
“So are ghosts,” Kai shoots back. “There are plenty of pictures and plenty of people have seen them. People literally make movies and documentaries about it.”
I frown. “All the evidence is dodgy at best. The pictures are always hazy, and the accounts borderline unrealistic.”
He places his chopsticks on the plate, shaking his head. “You should meet my mother. She says her aunt’s house was haunted and once, a ghost dragged her out of bed by her hair.”
“It was probably just a bad dream,” I say.
He laughs, shaking his head. “You’re hopeless.”
I don’t know why, but I laugh too, wondering what Kai’s mother is like. He seems close to his family and talks about his sisters all the time. Never his father though.
Just then, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it thinking it might be Levi or some urgent call from work but instead, it’s Nick. I frown and consider ignoring it but our conversation in that boardroom has been playing in my mind for weeks now.
“Excuse me for a second?” I ask Kai.
He nods quickly and I pick up, making my way to my office. “Nick?” I answer.
“Hey, baby brother,” he says lightly like we talk all the time when I can count the number of times we’ve talked over the phone in the last thirteen years.
“What do I owe the pleasure?” I shut the dark wooden door behind me.
Nick is quiet on the other end for a moment then, “I’ve been thinking about our conversation a few weeks ago and I don’t know, something wasn’t sitting right with me.”
You and I both. I wait, wondering where he is going with this. “I know you said weren’t going to take Dad up on his offer, but I must say, I don’t believe you, Cole. Your track record doesn’t exactly inspire trust.”
I clench my jaw. “What are you talking about, Nick?”
The sound of clicking on a keyboard sounds on his end before he lets out a quiet sigh. “I’ve recently come across some very interesting information. Information I think you’d be interested in.”
This is getting exhausting. I don’t have much patience for Nick’s games. I want to go back to Kai and continue talking about ghosts even though logically there is no such thing, but I like that he’s determined to convince me.
“Nick…”
“Check your email,” he says.
I frown, walking over to my laptop and powering it up. When I get to my inbox, my mouth fills with bile because without reading the first attachment, I know exactly what this is.
I see it all again, menacing plumes of black smoke, roaring flames, and the thick stench of petrol. It’s like the scene is playing in front of me all over again, my mother’s sobs, her wary eyes as she gazes at me, partially hiding her face on my father’s chest. I see Doctor Phillipe with his mousy expression and round spectacles.
Did you want your family dead, Cole?
“These records are meant to be sealed,” I say quietly, unable to move, my eyes refusing to read any more of the first report. “How did you get these?”
Report on Psychological Assessment.
“Don’t worry about all of that,” Nick says. “People might not know what you truly are, Cole, but I do. If you don’t stick to your word, I go public with this and everyone including Levi sees that the golden boy image you try so hard to maintain has all been a fa?ade.”
I’ve never told Levi the truth about that night, about the rabbit or any of it. When I met him, I buried that version of me somewhere I could never find. But staring at the screen now, that Cole glares right back through these reports.
Exhibits acute antisocial behaviour.
“Hello?” Nick sings on the other end. “You still there?”
I swallow, shutting the laptop. “Why are you doing this?” I ask. I’ve mostly stayed out of Nick’s way since the night of the fire.
“Call it an incentive to keep your word,” he says. Blinding rage simmers inside me but I douse it, breathing quietly. Nick is only doing this because he’s paranoid and he thinks I’m lying about refusing our father’s offer.
“Nick, I don’t want any of this,” I tell him, keeping my voice level. “You can have it all. I couldn’t care less.”
He laughs quietly. “Isn’t pathological lying one of the most common symptoms of being a psychopath?”
I flinch at the name. He knows how much I hate it.
“Oh, and I almost forgot; there’s a fun video in that email. Does Levi know about that?” He laughs. “Make sure you’re alone when you watch it. I would hate it if that ended up in the wrong hands.”
“Nick–”
“I have to go but I trust this will keep you in your place and that’s far away from what belongs to me.”
The line goes dead, and I lean back in my chair, shutting my eyes for a second. From the time we were children, Nick has always known where to poke and prod. Everyone else saw him as the sweet little boy who worshipped my father but when no one was watching, he did his best to make me wish I’d never been born.
I know I should probably worry more about him, but as long as I do what he says, he won’t show this to anyone else. He might not believe me but we both want the same thing and that’s me far away from the Armas family.
Kai is cleaning up when I walk back into the kitchen. He stops when he sees me, his eyes flashing with concern. “Are you okay?” he asks.
I shrug. “That wasn’t the most enjoyable phone call.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks quietly.
I’ve never wanted to tell Levi about my past even when I know I should. Perhaps selfishly, I was enjoying being something other than what my family sees me as.
Looking at Kai now, it’s the same. I don’t want him to know that version of Cole. That Cole is long gone.
“I have a complicated relationship with my brother and my family in general. This was one of those conversations where those complications come up.”
Kai gives me a thin smile. “I have a complicated relationship with my father too. Well, my stepfather but I get it.”
His eyes tell me that he does get it and even if a part of me wants to know more, I decide against asking. It would open up something I know we shouldn’t. I think we’ve already gone too far.
As if he senses my hesitation, he comes around the counter until he’s standing right beside me. “How can I make it better?” he asks quietly, eyes filled with lust.
It’s too easy for him. Outside of Levi, no one else manages to get this reaction out of me. I lift his chin slightly. Again, I wonder what it is about him.
“How do you do it?” I ask.
He blinks innocently. “Do what?”
“Have both of us so addicted to being inside you.”
Kai’s lips part but he doesn’t blush or try to look away. Instead, he meets my eyes, smirking and shrugs before turning to walk away but I don’t let him get far. I pull him back into me, his lips meeting mine. Strangely, I forget about Nick’s threats and the email sitting in my inbox.
“Oh God…” Kai whispers against my mouth, “Please.”
And suddenly I want to know just how far I can push him. I know Levi’s limits, and he doesn’t have many and in the last weeks, I’ve learned Kai doesn’t mind pain either. When this began, I wanted to ruin him but that’s changed. I want more than that. I want to own him. The fervour I feel for it is blinding.
I grab the nape of his neck, gripping hard and he whimpers. That gets my cock’s attention. “You want me to fuck you like the slut you are, princess?”
He noticeably blushes at the name, but he nods.
“Verbal yes, please, baby.”
“Y-yes, Cole. Please.”
I pull him closer, my mouth connecting with his, and I feel him melt against me. Kai makes me feel a hint of something I rarely feel. A feeling I chased for years before I met Levi.
He lies back, looking up at me, eyes shining under the golden lights. It’s not dark yet outside, the final light spilling through Levi and I’s room. Kai is completely naked under me, his muscles taut, and they move whenever he shifts slightly. He’s beautiful and I want to destroy everything he is until all that’s left is mine.
“What do you think the most important sense during sex is?”
Kai looks up at me, frowning slightly. “I don’t know,” he says. “Touch? Sight?”
I nod. “Good. Which one would you rather lose today?”
He opens his mouth, then closes it. “Um, touch?” he whispers. “I think I want to see you.”
I grin, reaching for the tie on the bedside table. It’s navy-blue silk and it looks beautiful against his skin. “Hold up your hands for me.”
He looks up at me for a second and I feel his hesitation but then he comes to a decision and holds them up. I tie around his wrists, placing them above his head but not tying too tightly in case he bruises.
“Do you know your limits?” I ask.
Kai swallows. “I’ve never thought about it,” he says, “But I like everything we’ve done so far.” He pauses again. “I don’t mind the pain. I like it when you’re rough.”
“And if I used a knife?”
His eyes widen an inch. I can see his mind working, but after a second, he nods.
“What did I say about using your words?” I ask. “Next time that will earn you a slap, understood?”
He stirs under me, desperate for friction and nods, determination in his eyes. “Yes, understood.”
“Good,” I whisper before moving down and touching him. He lets out a delicious hiss when I finally wrap my mouth around his pretty cock, sinking slowly as I was his eyes flutter close and his entire body shudders.
I take my time, hollowing my cheeks and swirling my time slowly. He bucks up his hips, struggling against the restraint on his wrists.
“You want to push my head down?” I tease as I pull off him. “Want to fuck my throat the way Levi and I do yours?”
“Fuck, yes,” Kai whispers. “Please, Cole.”
A sheen of sweat covers his chest. He’s perfectly flushed and desperate, pre-cum and saliva leaking out of the slit and dribbling down his shaft.
This time, I sink deeper, sucking faster, revelling in the sounds he makes and just when I feel him at the edge, his entire body tensing, I stop.
Kai lets out a frustrated groan. “You’re a dick,” he says.
I chuckle. “You know what they say about delayed gratification.”
Kai’s eyes meet mine when I lean over him, my hands on either side of his head. “Fuck you.”
“No, but I will fuck you.” I catch his mouth in a biting kiss just as I slide easily into him. “And look how easily you let me in like your hole is made just for me.”
Kai clenches around me, his mouth opening wide to let out a breathy moan. His lean muscle spasms under me and I watch his eyes roll back, and his head loll to the side like I’m caught in some sort of trance. I grab his chin, fucking into him, hitting that sweet spot relentlessly.
“Eyes on me, princess,” I say. “You said you wanted to see me, didn’t you?”
He lets out a breathless whimper and if I don’t take my time, the heat that is coiling inside me will explode. I move slower, my stroke shallow. Kai’s eyes glaze over, quiet moans escaping him.
“Cole, please let me come,” Kai pleads, eyes wet with tears that I am desperate to watch fall. His cock lies neglected on his belly.
“I will,” I promise, but I want something else first. I reach into my bedside table and pull out my switchblade. When I press the button on the silver hilt, the metal blade flips out, glinting in the light. Kai eyes it, biting down on his bottom lip. I can tell he’s scared and even if I know it’s fucked up—I like it.
I don’t know when I developed this particular kink, maybe it was between slicing through Socks and watching my father blow that man’s brains out and enjoying it. But either way, it’s there and sometimes I like to see a little blood.
“Do you trust me?” I ask.
He stares at the metal blade, then at me. He looks completely undone, his eyes stained red with tears and his lips perfectly flushed pink. He nods.
“I trust you.”
“Safe word?” I ask as I trail the knife down the column of his neck. Goosebumps rise wherever my knife traces and he shudders under me, his breathing stilted. Fear clouds his eyes, but he doesn’t try to get away. Instead, he meets my eyes and whispers, “Don’t need it.”
I chuckle. “I know but tell me anyway.”
“Vanilla.”
I stop the blade at his nipple. I lean down to kiss it, sucking slightly and it perks up against my tongue. “Again,” I tell him.
“Vanilla,” Kai whispers.
“Good.”
Inside him, my cock spasms as I begin to move again, slowly, barely touching his prostate. His cock jumps slightly, leaking on his belly. His chest moves up and down rapidly, the hollow of the base of his neck sinking. I trace the blade further down until it rests just under his ribcage.
“I…” Kai breathes quietly when I pick up the pace, fucking into him enough that his body jolts under me. My free hand grips his cock. He lets out a litany of swears as I jerk him off.
“Come for me,” I tell him just as I press the blade slightly. It breaks through his skin easily. Something akin to intense euphoria flickers through me as I watch the blood run down his side in a thin scarlet rivulet.
I have done this with others before but that was always an experiment to look for something deeper.
But like with Levi, this feels different, it has me on the brink of insanity.
“Cole!” Kai screams just as he explodes and spills into my hand and onto his stomach.
I can’t stop. I keep fucking into him, sweat beading on my forehead. I lean down, kissing clean the small rivulet of crimson on his skin. Salt and copper dance on my tongue. Under me, Kai is still riding out his orgasm and I drop the knife, pulling him up to kiss him as my orgasm rips through me, an unrelenting wave of pleasure.
And even when I’m completely empty, I can’t stop fucking him until I feel him spasm against me. With the taste of his blood still on my tongue, I kiss him deeper, ignoring my sensitivity until he’s begging me to stop.
And I keep thinking how fucked I am because at no point did I ever consider truly hurting him. At no point did I wonder what would happen if I just cut a little deeper.
Levi is the only other person I’ve never wanted to hurt.
Kai
It’s like I’m floating. I look up at Cole, his dark hair falling around his face like a halo. He’s smiling and he reaches over to undo the tie around my wrist. He lowers my arms slowly. I barely register the ache as I look down at my own body, at the mix of dried blood and come. I let out a quiet gasp and Cole chuckles quietly.
“You okay?” he asks, eyes assessing my face carefully.
It’s like my brain has been stuffed with cotton wool. I can’t seem to reach for any coherent thoughts.
“I—I can’t feel anything,” I say quietly.
But that’s not true exactly. I feel panic starting to build inside me. I worry that he might leave, that he might decide I’m disgusting for what I did. I can’t seem to piece anything together. I look up at him, tears welling in my eyes.
Cole runs the back of his hand against my cheek. “Whoa, hey, I’m not going anywhere.” He frowns slightly and that burst of panic rises inside me again. Have I done something wrong?
“I just need to clean this wound, okay?”
I look down at my body again. It’s like I’ve been attacked.
I nod quickly and he places a soft kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be right back. Promise.”
I stare up at the ceiling and the soft golden glow from the light above, breathing through my nose and out through my mouth but the fog won’t clear and that feeling of dread only inflates inside me. Luckily, Cole is back before I have time to travel deeper into my hole.
“This might sting a bit,” he tells me as he wipes the small nick under my rib cage with antiseptic and places a butterfly stitch. I barely feel any of it, my mind is carrying me towards something dark no matter how hard I try to stop it.
A second later, I feel Cole envelope me, holding me against his chest. I breathe him in deeply, the scent of him and sweat mixing to create something that I’m specifically addicted to.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He’s quiet for a second. “What are you apologising for?”
I don’t know.
I know I’m being weird and even though I know we shouldn’t stay like this; I can’t seem to move. Cole grips my chin, making me look at him. He watches me for a moment, eyes flashing. “You’re okay,” he tells me. “You’re just dropping.”
“What?”
“In the BDSM community, it’s called a sub-drop. It can happen sometimes after particularly intense sex or a scene. You experience an adrenaline rush during the scene and sometimes you can have an intense comedown,” he says, kissing me again. “But it’s okay. I’m right here.”
“Oh,” I whisper.
The panic tries to rear its head again, but Cole is here and I’m fine. This is normal, I tell myself.
But it doesn’t feel normal. No matter how long I stay there in Cole’s arms, listening to his steady heartbeat, the fear still manages to spread through me, gripping me tight in an ice-cold fist.
I shut my eyes and see Levi kissing me under the pretty lights of the exhibition. I feel Cole cut me—the exhilaration of it all, the joy of belonging to them both. But it’s not real. They are not mine and the overwhelming fear that it will all be snatched away soon threatens to drown me.
“Kai,” Cole says, bringing me back.
I open my eyes and he’s looking at me, drawing circles on my back. It’s soothing and I almost forget. Almost.
“Tell me three things you like doing.”
“Huh?”
“Tell me,” he says gently.
I try to think. “Um, reading,” I say. “Hanging out with my sisters and my friends.” I swallow down the lump in my throat. “Being with you and Levi.”
Cole smiles and kisses me again. “Well done,” he tells me, and I feel warm, a hint of pride appearing in a fleeting burst.
Usually, after sex, I’m in a rush to leave but recently I’ve been sleeping over and it’s dangerous. I like the way Levi holds me, and the way Cole is impressively aware of what both Levi and I need.
“Do you want me to run you a bath?” he asks.
I shouldn’t want more from either of them, but I do. Oh, God, I do.
But I should leave. This only makes it harder. “No,” I say, my voice more resolute. “I should probably go.”
Cole holds my chin again, his eyes dark. “You’re not going anywhere like this.”
I swallow, tears threatening but I blink them away. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m being like this.”
His eyes flash with something and my stomach twists. Maybe he wishes Levi was here to deal with this. I wish Levi was here too but only because I want them both. How greedy is that?
“You don’t ever have to apologise for anything, Kai. We can stay like this for as long as you like.”
I nod against him and close my eyes. Cole asks me questions, probably to distract me, but the fear does not go away because the realisation hits me so suddenly it’s unsettling—I’m falling for him and Levi, and they don’t want that.
We agreed on the rules.
And I’m going to ruin everything
.