Just Between Us

Chapter Fifteen Kai

“Who knew getting this project approved would lead to more work?” Connor mutters, clicking through the screens in front of him.

We’ve been trying to gather the necessary data since early morning. Marie is in charge of stakeholders with Yaz, and Connor and I are on the data gathering. It’s a slog, my eyes hurt and it’s not even lunchtime yet.

I’ve barely had a moment to think about everything that happened with Cole. It feels too overwhelming to process but the mountain of work in front of me means I’ll be distracted enough, at least for the day.

Only, when the clock hits noon, Levi appears at my desk, like my subconscious conjured him up. I haven’t seen him in a week and my heart does a little flip when my eyes land on him.

He’s not in his glasses today, instead in a white shirt with his sleeves rolled up, showing a hint of his tattoos. And as hard as I try to stamp the thought down, it rears its head anyway.

I missed him.

“Hi Levi,” Yaz sings across from me, not bothering to hide the fact that she’s checking him out.

I don’t blame her.

Levi shoots her a warm smile. “Hey, Yaz. How is little Salem doing?”

Her eyes widen and sparkle. “You remembered!” she says happily. “He’s much better now. All healed. Thank you.”

During one of the times Levi had lunch down here, she joined and almost shed tears because her kitten had fallen ill. Levi remembering has her grinning wide.

“Hi,” I say, sounding breathless. I clear my throat. “You’re back.”

“Flew in last night,” he says. Connor nods at Levi and says a quick ‘Hey’ before turning back to his screen. Levi’s eyes land back on me. “Are you busy?”

“Oh, uh,” I look at the jumble of code on my screen.

“Go ahead, man,” Connor says. “You need the break.”

He’s right, we both need a break, but I know Connor can’t be pulled away once he’s in the zone. “Do you want anything?” I ask.

“Bring me back a matcha latte and I’ll propose.”

I snort. “You can keep the ring, thanks.”

I notice Levi smirk.

“Shall we?” I ask after I close my laptop.

We move through the office, and I don’t miss some of the looks I get. Levi has been spending a lot of time down here and there are bound to be questions about why a VP who is also dating the owner’s son is down here.

“It’s nice out today,” Levi says. “Want to take a walk?”

I nod, trying not to let my excitement show too much. We head downstairs, and out into the late March afternoon. The sun is out, and the days are now longer, the sun a little warmer.

“How was Shanghai?” I ask. Levi’s arm brushes against mine and despite the thick layer of my coat, my skin warms where we touch.

“Really good,” he says. “It’s one of my favourite cities but I missed home.”

I meet his eyes, the sun hitting his irises turning them a honey brown. I smile. “Home missed you.”

Levi gives me a look I can’t make out. It’s a half-smile but then he looks away, and my stomach falls. Did I say something wrong? I want to slap my forehead.

“Cole tells me you two had fun,” he says after a moment.

My mouth feels dry. The butterfly stitch is gone but there is still a slight nick just under my rib cage, evidence of what happened between us. I never thought I’d be into knife play or blood play or even sex in club bathrooms, but Cole and Levi have me discovering all sorts of new things about myself.

“Oh, uh,” I start. I don’t know what their rule is when it comes to sleeping with me alone.

Levi laughs quietly. “It’s fine, Kai. I know we didn’t really discuss that between us but I’m okay with it. After all, I did kiss you at the art gallery. I’m only jealous I wasn’t there to at least watch.” His voice is light and when I look at him, there is no trace of anger on his face. I let out a quiet breath.

We grab our drinks from a café at the end of the street. Iced hibiscus tea for him and coffee for me before walking to a nearby park. The sun is bright, and it almost warms the skin, the sky an uncharacteristic cerulean with wispy clouds. Newly sprouted daffodils line the concrete path and there’s the sweet spring scent in the air, a promise of blooming flowers and summer.

“My mother is hosting an Easter charity gala,” Levi says as we walk along the path that leads to an atrium up a hill. “Would you like to come with us?”

I pause. Come with us.

“You want me to come?” I repeat.

Levi nods. “Yeah,” he says with a smile.

For a moment, my skin buzzes at the idea of spending more time with them outside the confines of their house but reality quickly settles in. This is just friendly, nothing more. Suddenly, the coffee tastes too bitter. My stomach twists. I want to laugh at my delusion. That overwhelming feeling I felt with Cole returns like I’m trying so hard to fit somewhere I don’t.

You don’t belong in this family, Kenny told me once.

Maybe he was right. Maybe he would be right now. I don’t belong with them either.

“Kai?” Levi is frowning.

“What? Yeah, sorry. I’d—uh, I’d love to come.”

Levi grins. “Perfect.”

“Tell me about Shanghai,” I say, desperate to silence my own thoughts.

“Lots of lights, lots of people, lots of traffic,” he says. “It was nice, and it makes London look a little sleepy in comparison. But I’d take a quiet town over that any day.”

Levi has always struck me as the star of the show; he’s friendly with everyone and he could chat up the dreariest person in the room if needed but over the last few weeks, I realise he’s quieter than he presents, more pensive and watchful.

“I’ve always loved the idea that one day I’d move to a big house in the countryside. Do you know one of those old estates? I could spend years renovating it by myself until it’s perfect and then plant a garden and have chickens roaming around. But not just any chickens. I want the fancy kind with fun feathers.”

“Same,” I say. “I’ve always wanted a big house with lots of land although that’s pretty hard here.” I smile at him. “I can picture you walking around feeding the Silkies in the garden though,” I say, trying to get rid of the image of him doing any sort of physical labour whilst shirtless, tattoos tracing up his arms, dark hair falling over his eyes, sweat dripping down his back…

Chickens, Kai, think of the chickens.

“Yes, Silkies! I guess I just want to be somewhere I can see the stars,” he continues. “Cole would probably get tired of me all alone out there though.”

I glance at him. I can’t imagine anyone getting tired of him, much less Cole. He worships the ground Levi walks on. He shadows every step he takes, and like a spotlight, in every room, his attention is on Levi.

“I don’t know if that’s true. I think anyone would happily watch the stars with you. I know I would.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I want to run to the road and get run over by a bus, maybe run to the nearest tube station, and launch myself onto an incoming train.

I feel Levi look at me, but I keep my eyes focused ahead. “We should probably get back,” he says after a moment, “And pick up Connor’s matcha since there’s a proposal on the line.”

My neck heats, every inch of me wishing to disintegrate. I laugh anyway, trying my best to ignore the lump in my throat. He must think it’s a weird thing to say for people who are just friends. Maybe I could excuse my feelings for Cole on Saturday due to the sub-drop (which I promptly Googled as soon as I got home) but this is undeniable.

I try not to think about it for the rest of the day, but both Levi and Cole keep popping up in my mind no matter how hard I try to stop them from doing so.

When I get back from work on Thursday night, I can barely keep my eyes open. My legs are heavy, and my body is begging for my bed. When I step into the living room, Jenna glances at me and grins.

“You have a gift,” she says excitedly. “It’s on your bed.”

I frown. “What?”

“I think it’s from your boyfriends…”

My frown deepens. “They are not my—” I don’t continue because Jenna is smirking, and I don’t have the energy to argue. I make my way to my room and on the bed is a black garment bag. I stand there for a moment, unable to move because I know what it is. A white envelope rests on top and when I open it, a white card is securely inside.

You seemed busy this week and might not have had the time to think of what to wear tomorrow.

Here’s an option in case you need it.

Levi & Cole

It’s a tux.

And it looks like it fits perfectly.

Jenna appears in the doorway and leans against the frame. “So?” she begins, “Is it from who I think it is?”

I turn to her, holding up the card. Jenna grabs it, her eyes moving over the message quickly. When she’s done, she looks at me with wide eyes. “Shit, Kai, this is…” She makes her way over to the tux and opens the jacket. “No way,” she says loudly, turning back to me, “This is a Savile Row.”

I look at her blankly.

“They retail for at least two thousand pounds and judging by the fabric, this one cost way more than that.”

I feel my face flush. I am not sure what to say. No one has ever gotten me anything so expensive and my chest tightens at the idea.

“I can’t keep this,” I say.

Jenna’s eyes almost pop out of her head. “Are you insane?”

“All good last time I checked,” I try to joke but she’s not laughing.

“You have just been given a really nice tux for an event that will have people wearing clothes that can pay our rent for the next year, and you want to give this back?” She gestures to the garment bag on my bed. “You’ll stand out like a sore thumb if you don’t wear it.”

She has a point.

I was probably going to wear the suit I keep for important occasions like weddings but it’s nothing compared to this. And the fact that Levi and Cole thought to get it for me is nice. I try to not let my mind convince me that it’s because they don’t want to be embarrassed by me. It’s a dumb thing to think.

“Maybe you should ask to be their sugar baby instead of this whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing you three have going on.”

“That’s not happening,” I say.

“Well, just a suggestion. We’re in a cost-of-living crisis and judging by that tux—they are most definitely not.”

I don’t tell Jenna that the arrangement will probably end soon because I’ve messed it up already. As soon as they realise this is no longer what we agreed, they will put a stop to it. It would be the right thing to do but selfishly I don’t want that. Without realising it, I’ve become addicted to both of them in different ways.

To Levi’s smiles.

To Cole’s attention.

To them.

I’m fucked.

***

Crystal chandeliers hang from the ceiling and portraits of old men who colonised lands afar hang on the walls. String instruments play in the background like it’s some sort of ball in the movie.

Jenna was right, everyone is dressed like they could pay our rent a hundred times over. Sparkling jewels mined in said colonised lands hang off necks and ears. Even the laughs that ring around the domed hall sound expensive.

Cole hands me a glass of champagne before handing one to Levi. I’ve been a ball of nerves all day and being here now around all these people does nothing to dissipate them. I take a quick sip of the champagne, hoping it helps but it’s so dry I almost choke.

“You alright?” Levi asks, his hand resting on the small of my back.

I let out a wet cough, “Yeah, fine but I can’t believe people drink this for fun. It’s disgusting.”

Levi chokes on his laugh, “Don’t let my mother hear you say that. Each bottle retails for at least a thousand.”

Just then a woman appears next to Cole and places a hand adorned with sapphires on his shoulder. She has long black hair and bronze skin. Holding her free hand is a man with a shock of full white hair on his head. He’s incredibly handsome like one of those older male movie stars. They are both stunning and when I look at the woman again, I recognise her from mine and Jenna’s research a few months ago. She’s Levi’s mother.

“Cole, Levi,” she begins with a bright smile, kissing Cole on the cheek, “My gorgeous baby boys. We were half-expecting you not to show up.”

Levi kisses her too. “Hi Mum,” he says. “C’mon, we wouldn’t miss your big event for the world.”

His mother beams before her eyes land on me. “Oh, you must be Kai,” she says, and my heart rate increases, wondering how much she knows exactly. She leans in, kissing me on my cheek as well. “I’m Raina and this is my husband, Oliver. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I put on my best accent and stand a little straighter. “Pleasure to meet you both,” I say. “This is an amazing event. Everything is beautiful.” I gaze at her and smile, “And you look even more stunning.”

My mother always taught me to compliment women. Good advice because Raina giggles. “Oh, we have a charmer! Are you single, Kai?”

“Mum,” Levi says pointedly.

“What? He’s gorgeous and charming. I know plenty of mothers who are dying to auction off their daughters tonight.”

“It’s the twenty-first century, my love. Who says Kai likes women? Just look at your son,” Oliver says, noticeably pleased by his joke.

Next to me, Cole chuckles, but Levi looks unamused, embarrassed by his parents.

“Oh well, in that case, many of my friends have very single and very handsome sons too.” Raina’s eyes focus on me again.

“Oh, I’m not—”

“Wouldn’t Tilly Burton be perfect for him, Levi?” Raina says over me, gazing at her son, but Levi only glares back. Cole on the other hand looks like he’s enjoying this a lot.

“Please let’s stop harassing the poor boy, darling,” Oliver says, giving me a conspiratorial wink.

Raina rolls her eyes. “Fine but do let me know if you’d like to meet Tilly, Kai. I’ll organise lunch for the three of us.”

I can’t help my smile. “I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”

Raina is nothing like I thought she’d be. As one of the most powerful lawyers in the country, I half expected her to be stoic, maybe even unfriendly but she’s all smiles and I feel myself relax a little under the bright lights.

She moves her attention away from me and to Levi and Cole. “By the way, your father and I will be at the house in Tuscany for the upcoming holidays. Would you like to join us?”

My ears ring. Raina says it so casually and I wonder what that must be like. Growing up, we never starved, and we had what we needed. Mum made it work but it’s undeniable that Cole and Levi have led an existence that is completely different to my own.

Houses in Tuscany are a far cry from dingy council flats and raging stepfathers. Their world is so far from my own and I feel like I’m in a play and soon the curtain will close on me.

By the time I focus back on the conversation, Raina and Oliver are saying goodbye.

“Sorry about that,” Levi says as soon as they are out of earshot. “My mother can be a lot.”

“She’s nice,” I assure him.

“And anyway, you wouldn’t have much time for Tilly Burton if we’re too busy filling you with our come every other night, would you?” Cole says, holding the small of my back, just loud enough for only Levi and I to hear.

I let out a strangled cough as Levi smirks, pulling up a chair for me to sit.

I excuse myself halfway through a conversation that somehow involves politics and skiing and make my way down a hallway for some air. Before I can make it far down the long hallway, I hear someone clear their throat behind me. When I turn, Adam is standing there with his hands in his pockets.

“Kai,” he says. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Adam is handsome in the same way a lot of people here are. Private boarding school, expensive accent, and skiing holidays. Despite that, it is nice to see a familiar face.

“Trust me, me neither but it’s great to see you.”

He leans in, voice low, a smile dancing on his lips. “You know we never got the chance to grab that drink.”

I laugh quietly, thinking how different things are from the first time I met him at Anant’s party. Now, I’m at a charity gala with Levi and Cole. Now, I don’t want to have a drink with him. I want something else even though I shouldn’t.

“Right,” I say. “But I’m sure we can find a drink around here somewhere. It would still count, right?”

Adam shakes his head. “Ah, but on second thought, I don’t think Levi or Cole would be very happy with me if I did that.”

My jaw loosens. “What?”

He shrugs a shoulder. “I just mean it’s pretty obvious you’re sleeping with them.”

My stomach clenches and he still smiles, like he can read every thought on my face. I open my mouth to deny it, “I’m not sure—”

“Look, Kai, you seem like a decent guy, so I’ll give you a fair warning,” he says. “You should get out of that fast.”

My scalp prickles but I lift my chin though, trying my best to look unbothered. “Why?”

“Why else would someone like you be here?” he shoots back. “If it’s not because you’re a fun little plaything for them?”

Someone like you.

I swallow. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, Adam.”

He laughs quietly. “Don’t worry, Kai, I get it. I bet Levi pulled you in and made you feel all special and important. He has a wonderful way of doing that. Ask around, he’s done it plenty of times, but in the end, he will discard you because that’s who he is. And because Cole is obsessed with him, he will discard you too. In fact, I’m sure he’s dying to do so now.”

I swallow again. It’s like he’s in my mind because as much as I want to tell him to piss off, he’s right. Levi did pull me in and from the little hints I’ve picked up about his past, casual sex wasn’t a big deal to him. I know this is casual for both of them, but there have been moments where I almost believed it wasn’t just sex.

Looking at Levi under the lights in the art gallery.

Sitting in the kitchen with Cole trying to convince him that ghosts exist.

The nights spent watching Harry Potter movies and falling asleep between them.

My extra toothbrush that now sits in their bathroom.

I let myself forget what this is. I let myself get lost in them when the truth is they only belong to each other, and I would be delusional to think otherwise.

“Speaking from experience?” I ask Adam, my voice deceptively light.

A shadow passes over his eyes before his mouth breaks into a smile. “Maybe you should talk to Levi.”

But I’m sure Levi said they have never opened up their relationship. Was he lying to me? My chest tightens and I hate myself for it. Jealousy spreads through me as I look at Adam’s perfect smile and perfect hair. He would know how to behave around them and their friends. He would understand summer homes in Tuscany and ski trips.

I let out a quiet laugh, trying to mask my disappointment but Adam drowns it out with his laugh. “Wait, do you actually like them?”

Admitting that out loud would only add to my embarrassment. “Why are you telling me any of this?

He shrugs, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Because he—they don’t want you and they never will,” he says it like he’s so sure. “And I’m trying to save you from the humiliation.”

I want to think that maybe he just hates me because I clearly don’t fit in here and maybe he does but there is also this strange sincerity in his eyes, like he truly means it. I open my mouth to ask more but he gives me one last pitying look and walks away, down the hallway and back into the hall where the auction is starting.

I stand there for a second, my heart racing. I know I should go back inside but I want to run, I want to go home and crawl under my duvet. Humiliation swirls inside me, that sinking feeling in my stomach returning. It’s the same sinking feeling I used to get as a kid when I heard Kenny unlock the front door marking his return home. It’s heavy and stifling and I have to undo the top button of my shirt to breathe.

You just need to breathe like you used to do, that’s all.

I give myself a few seconds before swallowing and walking back to the ballroom, a smile on my face. When I get back to my seat everyone is deep in conversation, laughing about something I can’t grasp. The voices are too loud, the piano music too jarring and the laughter overwhelming. Across the room, I spot Adam. He’s talking to a woman and laughing easily like our conversation didn’t just happen.

Because they don’t want you and I’m trying to save you from the humiliation.

His words ring in my mind and when I look at both Cole and Levi, I feel another bout of shame. If Adam is telling the truth, then they lied to me. Not that it matters anyway. This is just sex.

Why am I so affected by it?

My stomach turns on me, saliva flooding my mouth.

“I need to go,” I say to Cole but loud enough for Levi to hear. “I don’t feel so well. I think I might be coming down with something.”

Cole searches my face carefully. “Okay, we can go. I’ll message Daniel.”

“No!” I say too quickly. “I mean no, you should stay. No need for you to come with me. I’d be no fun anyway. I think I’ll just go home and pass out.”

Both of them frown but I can’t tell what I’ve said wrong.

“We wouldn’t expect…” Levi trails, before smiling. “We’ll walk you out and Daniel can take you.”

“You don’t have to. The auction is about to start.”

“Kai,” Cole says and it’s that tone that tells me there’s no room for debate.

When we step out into the evening, expensive cars and valets line the hotel entrance. A valet waves over the next car, and I notice Avi seated in the front. I turn back to Cole and Levi and try my best for a smile. I probably look awful which probably helps to sell my story.

“Let us know when you are home, okay?” Cole says.

I nod quickly. “Sure, and please thank your parents,” I say. “I had fun.”

Levi’s eyes are slightly narrowed like he doesn’t believe me. “Kai, are you sure everything is okay?”

“Everything is fine, besides the splitting headache,” I add a small laugh for good measure. “I’ll see you later and thank you for tonight.”

When I settle into the car, Daniel looks at me through the rearview mirror. “Hey, Kai. You weren’t having fun?”

I shake my head. Tears I didn’t realise were welling in my eyes, spilling out, running down my cheeks until I taste the salt. I wipe one away quickly. “Ah, yeah, I just don’t feel so good tonight,” I say.

I lean back in the leather seat and close my eyes. When I wake up, this will all be a dream.