Chapter Sixteen Kai
9 YEARS AGO
Kenny was into something dangerous.
He lingered in dark corners with men we all knew not to mess with in the neighbourhood. A few months before, he had been picked up by the police for questioning about a drug syndicate and if he was picked up again, it would mean prison.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Si asked me.
We had been best friends since pre-school, but he’d gotten swept up with the guys in the neighbourhood and had dropped out of school a while back. He wasn’t a bad person, but he did what he needed to make sure his siblings were fed every day.
I nodded, looking at the brown bag in Si’s hand. I didn’t bother to ask what was in it exactly, just that it was enough to get him arrested and put away for a while—at least until the twins were old enough to know how to protect themselves or at least speak up if something was up.
“Okay,” he said. “Izzy has a cousin who works as a sergeant. He’ll tip him off. It won’t come back to you.”
I could feel my heart in my throat. This was it. If it worked, Kenny would be gone, and I would have to move away.
“Thanks, Si,” I said quietly.
He smiled, placing a hand on my shoulder. “He’s a dickhead. Don’t feel bad. Kenny deserves this for everything he’s done.”
I nodded but the knot of guilt still sat at the pit of my stomach. I reminded myself that I was doing this for my sisters and my mother. But I was also doing it for myself. I couldn’t let him take them away. I couldn’t let him continue hurting me.
“I know,” I said. “Text me when it’s done?”
“Sure,” my friend said. “And if you need anything else, let me know, okay? Anything. I mean it.”
I knew he did, but I didn’t need anything else. Once Kenny was gone, I could handle the rest.
Three nights later, a police car arrived at the door, and they took Kenny away in handcuffs. I watched them drag him down the stairs as he screamed that he hadn’t done anything. Before he was pushed into the back of the car, I looked over the balcony and met his eyes. I couldn’t help it—I smiled.
The judge gave him ten years and for those ten years I wouldn’t have to worry about him and if he ever did come looking for me—I’d kill him myself.
***
March blooms into April, the holidays passing in a strange blur. Levi and Cole go to Tuscany with Levi’s parents and that gives me time away from them. They both check in a few times to make sure I’m okay, especially after the charity gala and I tell them I’m fine—that they shouldn’t worry about me but as much as I’ve tried to ignore it, I know I’ve fallen for both of them.
I feel like an idiot.
Adam’s words have continuously played in my head over the last week. I’ve never been ashamed of where I’m from or how I grew up but the way he looked at me made that resolve falter. That world isn’t mine and as delusional as my heart wants to be about whatever is happening with Levi and Cole, I can’t be delusional about this too. I know what I have to do even if I don’t want to.
It’s six p.m. and Marie’s birthday so a few of us from the office are out at a fancy bar to celebrate. Jenna and I got her a cake written Aries Queen! because Marie insists she is the embodiment of what an Aries is and I’m such a Taurus man even though I have no idea what that means.
The days are longer and outside, the sky has turned a cotton candy pink with bursts of orange as the sun sinks into the west. Jenna holds Marie close, but I can feel her looking at me every few minutes. After the charity gala, I went into her room and just lay next to her in bed, unable to speak and I know she’s worried.
“I bumped into Levi earlier,” Connor begins at our table. Music plays from the speakers and a few people around us dance. “I did invite him, but he said he was tired.”
My heart stutters and I feel a slight twinge of disappointment and relief at the same time. Across me, Jenna meets my eyes. I smile, trying to look unaffected.
“Honestly, I’d let Levi Bellamy do terrible things to me,” Yaz says dreamily.
I take a quick sip of my drink to hide my cough.
“Too bad you are not Kai,” Connor says.
I choke, eyes wide. “What?”
Connor rolls his eyes. “C’mon man, haven’t you noticed?”
“Noticed what?”
“He likes you,” Yaz chirps. “Why else would he hang around the rest of us so much when he earns quadruple what we make?”
My heart is threatening to leave my chest.
“He probably just needs people his age to hang out with. I can’t imagine him enjoying lunch with Jones,” Connor says with a shrug. “He’s way too cool. I mean have you seen those tats?”
I let out a quiet laugh. Jenna meets my eyes again and shoots me an encouraging smile. Luckily, after that, the conversation veers to safer territory but when my phone buzzes on the table, my stomach sinks.
Levi.
My throat closes.
I’m tipsy and I don’t want to talk in case I say something I shouldn’t. It’s on the third ring when Connor glances down, lifting an eyebrow.
“Kai, shit, you have to answer that.”
He probably thinks it’s some massively important work call, and I want to laugh at the ridiculousness of it. It’s the furthest thing from a work call.
“Trust me I don’t,” I tell him.
He rolls his eyes and reaches for the phone and a split second, I’m worried he’ll answer it, but he thrusts it in my face instead.
“Answer it. I don’t want you to get fired. We need you.”
Fighting a groan, I take the phone and answer it, slipping away from the table to get away from the noise.
“Hey,” I say as I step into the cool evening air. There’s some rustling on the other end.
“Kai,” Cole’s voice is low, and I can almost see his smirk.
“Cole,” I say, trying to hide the fluster in my voice. “Is everything okay?”
There are a few people around me, all having quiet conversations over vapes and cigarettes as they try to sober up in the evening air. There is a muffled sound on the other end that makes my head prickle.
“Everything is great,” Cole says easily. “It’s just that I’ve been edging Levi for hours now and he seems pretty desperate to fuck you.”
My heart hammers against my chest, heat spreading through me. I hear Levi groan and then more shuffling before moans escape both their mouths. It’s easy really, I feel myself getting hard. Just the picture of them both makes me want to groan.
“He really wants you. Don’t you, Evie?” I can hear the smile in Cole’s voice when he calls Levi that, the tempting eyes that pull him in easily. I can picture Levi too, already wrecked, and desperate for him.
“Do you think I should keep playing with him or make him wait patiently for you?”
His voice is teasing. I want what’s not mine and I hate it. Almost hate them for it too.
“I can’t tonight,” my voice comes out level.
And even though I want to go, I’m not sure I should have sex with them. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
“I’m not asking, Kai,” Cole says.
He uses that voice, the same one that has my dick twitching when he tells me what to do. How fucked up is it that I let him cut me, that I love it when he fucks into me roughly until I can barely open my eyes.
I shouldn’t, but I hear myself quietly say, “Okay,” figuring I can’t be any more pathetic than I already am.
I get back into the bar and find Jenna first. She’s dancing with Marie, and they are laughing, completely lost in each other. When Marie sees my face, she wags a drunken finger at me.
“Nooo,” she cries, “You’re not allowed to leave. It’s my birthday!” She leans into Jenna for balance and pouts. “Babe, tell Kai he’s not allowed to go anywhere because it’s my birthday.”
I should stay. Guilt eats at me but like Jenna can read what I’m thinking, she holds Marie close and kisses her on her temple. “We should be getting home,” she says to Marie. “And what if Kai has a hot date? We shouldn’t stop him.”
An excited glint dances in Marie’s eyes. “Is it a hot date?”
I can’t help my laugh. If only, I think. “Something like that.”
“You’ll be okay?” Jenna asks.
“Yeah, thanks,” I say. I do a quick round of goodbyes, and everyone does their best to tempt me to stay but eventually, I make my way to their place, my heart in my throat.
It has been three months, eighty-seven days to be precise since we began this and my heart twists at the idea that it all ends tonight. As I make my way through the townhouse that I know like the back of my hand now, I try not to think about the end too much.
I pass the hallway with all their pictures and their memories, forcing myself not to look at them. It was going to come sooner or later. I just didn’t think it would happen like this—the glaring realisation that I want them both as more than just friends.
I got to the kitchen first and down a glass of water, running a hand through my hair. Alcohol still sloshes inside me, but my anxiety has almost burnt it all out. Maybe one last time isn’t so bad, I think to myself. Maybe I can lie to myself for a few more hours, then I’ll end things.
Just a few more hours.
When I make my way upstairs, Cole swings open the door, like he could hear me coming. He’s shirtless, the bare expanse of his muscled chest almost making my mouth water. His hair is a mess on his head and there is a fresh bruise at the base of his neck. Before I can say anything, he tugs on my shirt, his mouth connecting with mine.
“Hey, princess,” he whispers as I melt into him easily, letting his tongue in my mouth, my hands exploring his warm skin.
When he moves aside, Levi sits up on his elbows, desire in his eyes. “Join us?” he asks.
I know I shouldn’t. I should come out and say it, but all the blood is rushing down to my dick and seeing them like this never leaves me thinking straight.
Being in the centre of both Levi and Cole is intoxicating—euphoric. It’s a haze of tangled hands and legs, bites, and kisses, writhing and pulling and squeezing. I like that they smell the same, like somehow, they are one.
Cole kisses me, deepening the kiss and I moan into his mouth. I’m aching, shivering against him, trying to keep myself up.
“So pretty,” Cole says as I look at him dazedly. “So perfect for us.”
He moves away from my mouth to my neck, pulling my head back with his hand in my hair. I hear Levi uncap the bottle of lube next to me and I want it. I want it to hurt, just so I can remember. I wonder when I started thinking like that.
I let out a breathy sigh when Cole’s hand goes around his neck just as Levi's finger rubs against my entrance, the cold a shock on my skin.
“I missed you,” I whisper. The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I hated staying away from them all week. I missed how they always take control and let me empty my mind.
Levi slips a finger in and my body jerks at the intrusion, but I like the burn. Cole moves off me, watching Levi carefully. I love the way Cole watches Levi. I seem to love a lot of things.
“Missed you too, baby,” Levi says. “Maybe I should have a plug in you at work? Then I can fuck you whenever I want. I’ve thought about it, you know? Bending you over my desk and letting the entire office hear just how much of slut you are for me.”
Bursts of pleasure shoot through me as Levi breaks his gaze, meeting Cole’s eyes. He grins, pulling Levi’s head toward him and giving him an open-mouthed kiss, possessive and a little rough. Something about it makes me moan a little louder, my own hardened dick leaking down his thigh with the lube.
Cole glances down at me, and my vision blurs with tears I have to force back when Levi adds another finger. His eyes sparkle as he leans down and places a small kiss on my forehead, brushing away the sweaty curls from my brow. It’s so gentle. So unlike him.
More, I think. Please, more.
But I’m not sure what more I want exactly. Time? Love?
Something falters inside me. Questions I don’t have an answer to rising to the surface. I want more, although I know I shouldn’t. I feel that familiar panic rise within me. Suddenly, the lights are too bright, the feeling of hands on my skin burning.
I try to breathe through it, try to sort the sticky mess that coagulates in my head, but I can’t. Adam’s face appears in my mind, the way he laughed like I was being ridiculous for believing they would ever want me.
You don’t belong here, Kai, a voice whispers in the back of my head. It sounds like Kenny, like Adam, like every single nightmare I’ve had.
I shouldn’t be here. I need to go.
I whimper against Cole’s mouth, tears stinging the corners of my eyes, but I force myself to stop myself from crying.
I just need to say it. I need to stop this.
“Stop,” I whisper against Cole’s mouth.
I can’t breathe. Pain shoots through me like a splinter is lodged in my chest. I break away, taking in a quiet breath to say a word I never thought I needed in the first place.
“Vanilla.”
Cole immediately lets me go and Levi goes still. Another stab of pain shoots through me, but I ignore it, blinking away my tears.
“Did I hurt you?” Levi asks softly.
I shake my head. Hot tears flood my eyes again. “No,” I say. “No. I just—Can we talk?”
We sit by the kitchen island, Cole dressed in black sweatpants that sling low on his hips. His perfectly muscled torso makes a perfect V of tan skin and perfect muscle. Levi on the other hand is all lean muscle in his shorts. He’s wearing his glasses, and he still hasn’t gotten a haircut so his hair fans his brow and falls into his eyes.
I’m back in my jeans and sweater from earlier and I can see the slight hint of concern on Levi’s face. Cole leans against the counter, next to Levi, arms crossed but I can’t read what he’s thinking. I swallow, not knowing where to begin, not when they look like this, covered in bruises, grip marks, and messy hair.
“Kai, is everything okay?” Levi asks first.
My eyes land on his hand, slotted loosely in Cole’s. If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t notice Cole tilted into Levi. Adam’s words ring in my mind again. Cole is like Levi’s shadow, eyes constantly focused on him. I think I selfishly began to want that for me too.
I try to find the right words. Everything seems stupid. It doesn’t matter to them. Ending this shouldn’t be a big deal.
“I’m sorry,” I start.
They both look at me, the confusion obvious on their faces.
My insides churn. I want the ground to swallow me up, but I try again. “I’m sorry I can’t be what you want me to be anymore.”
They still look confused. “What we want you to be?” Levi repeats. “Kai...”
I shake my head. Nothing is coming out right. “I mean,” I breathe, “I know my place in this arrangement. I always have and that’s why I wanted to do it. I chose to do this, and so I know I don’t get to want certain things. I don’t get to want…” I trail, swallowing. I can’t look at them, so I push on.
“Something has changed for me. I guess I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sorry if I’m letting you down. It’s just–I can’t anymore,” I swallow, fighting the stinging tears that threatened to spill. “I’m sorry.”
“Kai—” Levi begins.
I shake my head. “It’s okay. I want you two to be happy. I want to make you happy, but this isn’t making me happy.”
It’s quiet for a moment. I swallow, finally looking at them through the tears that threaten to spill. “I can’t see you anymore,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”
The words are like hot ash on my tongue. I hate the way they feel. I wish I could take them back and go back upstairs and forget any of this happened.
Levi walks over to me but stops just short of me. “We aren’t making you happy?”
I feel myself nod even if that’s not it exactly. I’m happy when I’m around them, euphoric even, but like a drug, I’m miserable when I’m not. I want to go back to when I was oblivious. When I thought that this was exactly what I wanted. It was an easier existence. Getting fucked silly and forgetting everything just for a while.
“I’m sorry we make you sad,” Levi says. He places a hand on my cheek and rubs his thumb. It’s not much but my anxiety eases, if only a fraction.
“It’s okay. It’s nothing you can change,” I say, trying for a smile. I take in a breath, desperate to maintain some semblance of dignity.
For the first time, I look at Cole and something inside me shatters into a thousand pieces. There’s nothing behind his green eyes and it confirms Adam’s words, confirms my fear that he never really wanted me here. And even then, despite that, I still fell for him.
“I wish…” Levi starts but trails, letting go of me and giving me a watery smile. “I want you to be happy, Kai. We both do.”
“Levi is right,” Cole says finally. His expression doesn’t change. Levi watches him carefully. “We want you to be happy and if that’s not with us then we can’t force you to stay.”
I wish you would, I think.
It’s not meant to, but it burns. I know how they both feel. I know it’s rather this than losing each other. I get it.
“Cole,” Levi says carefully.
But I don’t need Levi to ease the blow. This is what we agreed to in the beginning. Just sex until someone didn’t want it anymore.
I’ve just been painfully delusional.
“I’ll go,” I say, looking down at my hands again, fighting the heaviness in my chest.
“Let me drive you,” Levi says, but I shake my head.
It’s a quiet goodbye and when I slip into my Uber, it’s nearly midnight. During the drive, I let myself cry as I text Jenna.
Me: I ended it.
Jenna: I’m so sorry, Kai
Jenna: I’ll be here when you get home. I love you so much.
When I get home, I find both Jenna and Marie sitting on the couch. I can tell Marie is confused but she’s first off the couch to hug me as I cry. Maybe I’ll explain everything to her when the sun comes up, but for now, I let myself grieve my loss.
“You’re okay,” Marie whispers into my ear.
I let out a little laugh. I’m not okay at all.