Chapter Twenty-One Cole
My grandparents assigned Daniel to me when I moved in with them at fourteen. Over the years, he shadowed me like a ghost and when I moved back to London after university, he chose to come with me and leave New York.
We’ve come to understand each other without saying too much and I know he’d follow me into hellfire if I asked him to.
I look at him from across my desk, a plan forming inside my head. It’s been a week since I bumped into Charlie and learned the truth. I’ve debated letting Nick go. A part of me almost understands it. He was always meant to be the sole heir to the entire empire like Dad was once but then I was born, and he had to share.
He’s hated me from the moment he saw me, and it’s made him blind to the fact that I never wanted any of it. Maybe if I was someone else, I’d let it go but I’m not and I’m not in a forgiving mood right now.
“You wanted to see me?” Daniel asks.
“Can you find out what shipments my father is expecting through the ports in the next few weeks? High-value goods only.”
He narrows his eyes. It’s an odd request. In all his years working for me, I have never asked about my father or the family businesses. “Whereabouts? New York? Rotterdam?” He doesn’t ask why.
I shake my head. “Doesn’t matter. If it's of high value and belongs to a longstanding client, I want to know about it.”
He nods, his mind working then he tilts his head slightly, blue eyes gleaming. “Hasn’t your father handed Nick the shipping side of things?”
I smile. “He has.”
After I refused my father’s offer, his natural next choice was Nick. As far as I know, he’s been doing well and fucking this up for my father is his worst nightmare. My brother might know how to hit where it hurts but so do I.
Daniel nods, understanding where I’m going with this. “Your father will not be happy if you’re planning what I think you are.”
I shrug, leaning back in my chair. “That’s what I’m hoping for,” I say with a smile. It feels like my first genuine smile in weeks.
Whilst I may not have started that fire, I’ve always known what I am—what I’m capable of. I’ve just never bothered with Nick or anyone else for that matter because of the effort it would take or what it would make me, but he took it too far.
Kez says I shouldn’t focus on him and maybe she’s right. I have spent the last few days obsessively rummaging through those reports Nick sent me. I went through every memory, every single detail from that night until I could account for every second.
It was hard at first, seeing the nurses, and reading what they said about me, but I don’t hate it as much anymore. I finally know the truth and somehow it makes me feel like I know who I am.
Nick is desperate to see a monster, I’ll happily show him one.
Across me, Daniel looks like he wants to say something, but he thinks better of it. He nods. “I’ll let you know as soon as I find something.”
Just then, I hear the front door open, and a voice calls my name. Somehow, my heart drops and leaps at the same time. The door opens and he appears, a small smile lighting up his face.
“Cole?” he calls. “Are you home?”
Levi.
Levi looks different and yet the same. He got a haircut but it’s still long enough that some of it flops over his forehead in shaggy dark wisps. He’s a little gaunt but other than that he looks like Levi—my Levi. For the last two weeks, I’ve been terrified he wouldn’t come back, that I would never have him this close again.
Looking at him feels like seeing an oasis in the desert. Relief and apprehension all at the same time—like he might be a mirage and if I get too close, he will disappear.
I stare at him from across the room, leaning against the windowsill. We’re alone. Daniel is gone and Aleeta isn’t around today. He looks around our bedroom, like he’s remembering every memory we have in here then he laughs quietly, meeting my eyes. “Do you want to go first, or do you want me to?”
“I can go first.”
“Okay,” he whispers.
It’s strange to say out loud, and it almost sounds ridiculous, but I don’t miss a detail; I tell him about the shed Nick locked me in, I tell him about Socks, and the fire I barely remember.
“My nanny helped me to get out of the house and all I could hear were sirens and screaming. There was so much smoke, so many people.” I pause. “Everyone thought I’d done it because Nick and his friend told the police that I did but I couldn’t remember a thing. I always thought I blacked out or something, but it was Nick all along. Charlie says it was an accident but I’m not so sure. Maybe he wanted me to burn in there.”
Levi’s eyes are filled with horror but also anger. I hate talking about this, but I don’t stop. If we’re going to work, I need to be honest. So, I tell him about the day my father took me to that warehouse and asked us to kill those men. The way my father had looked at me, like the biggest disappointment he’d ever seen.
A lone tear slips down his cheek, and he quickly swipes it away, but I can tell that for the first time, outside of Kez and my grandparents, someone else believes me.
Levi believes me.
I never wanted to hurt my family. I might lack some important emotional switch inside me, but I never wanted that, and I never did it.
“I didn’t cheat on you either and I never hurt her.”
He nods quickly. “I knew that the moment you told me,” he says. “I didn’t leave because I thought you would hurt me or something, Cole. I left because I felt like I finally knew the truth and I had to be honest with you too, but I knew I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t being honest with myself.”
“The weekend I met you know I’d just left the hospital and left my last job. You know what happened with Adam too. I think I just fell into you and never really bothered to explore what was actually going on inside me. Back then, when I couldn’t switch off, I’d just get drunk and party. It was destructive and I know now that if I hadn’t almost drowned in that pool and met you, I probably wouldn’t be here today. You saved me, Cole,” he says quietly.
“But you shouldn’t have to. I can’t put that all on you. I know that because the moment I believed something was wrong between us I felt myself fall apart. I’ve been going to therapy every day since which is why I didn’t come back so quickly. It’s made me realise that I’ve been so dependent on you, and it wasn’t healthy. We met each other when I was in a bad space, and I realise now that maybe I made you become something you weren’t because of it. I’m—I’m sorry.”
I’m shaking my head quickly as I go over to place a hand on Levi’s cheek. He’s looking down at his hands and I have to move him to make him look at me. Tears dance in his eyes, and I want to kiss them away.
“You don’t have to apologise for anything, Evie. Everything I am today is because of you. You made me believe there was something good about me when most people didn’t. You’re my Northern Star, Levi. You centre me. In complete chaos you make sense. You’re my constant, there is no version of this life that I could survive without you next to me.” I kiss his lips gently and feel him melt against me. “Please don’t ever apologise again.”
He nods quickly and my own eyes mist over, but I swallow down the tears. I know there are things both of us need to figure out together and separately but now Levi knows the truth and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
“You’re my centre too, you know?” Levi says quietly.
I nod against him, our foreheads touching. His scent fills my nose, and it takes everything inside me not to nuzzle him.
“We’re both a little fucked up, aren’t we?” he huffs out a laugh.
I ball his t-shirt in my fist. “I like that we’re a little fucked up,” I say before kissing him again. This time it’s slow. I taste Levi’s tears on my tongue as he moves against me. A jolt of electricity rushes through me. It’s probably what it feels like to be brought back to life.
“I missed you so much. I could barely breathe without you.”
“Does this mean I can stay?” Levi looks at me, eyes glinting with humour.
“Always,” I kiss him again. “I want you here forever.”
And so, we kiss again. It’s gentle and slow, not like us at all but it’s nice. We fall on the bed and Levi giggles against my mouth, his hands raking through my hair. Fire ignites on every part of my skin, but no clothes come off. We just make out, like we are relearning each other. It’s torturous and sweet all at the same time and when it feels like we’ve gotten our fill, Levi slots perfectly into my arms and lies on my chest.
“Does this also mean you’ll stop stalking me?” he whispers. My eyes widen and he laughs. “I know how you work, baby.”
I’m speechless for a second. I thought I was being discreet. “If it makes you feel any better, I was watching Kai too.”
He looks up at me and I can see the sadness in his smile. “We should probably talk about that,” he says. “Have you spoken to him?”
I shake my head. Kai ended this because he wasn’t happy. I think I focused on him saying that instead of trying to understand it. We all pushed the boundaries too far and we fell head-first into complicated feelings. Feelings that I’ve barely begun to deal with.
“Me too. I wanted to respect his space, I guess,” Levi says.
We’re quiet for a moment then I take a quiet breath. “In the spirit of being honest,” I say. “I like him, Levi. As in I think I like him as more than just someone we fuck.”
It’s the only way to describe it. As disconcerting as it is for me—I like Kai. He’s taken root somewhere inside me and those roots seem to have only dug deeper since he’s been gone.
Levi’s eyes widen. “Oh, huh,” he says. “I like him too. I know I do, and I think I have from the beginning. I think I was afraid of what that would mean for us.”
I can’t pinpoint when my feelings began but it’s like one morning I woke up and I saw him snuggled into Levi’s body and all I felt was warmth. No hint of jealousy or annoyance. It felt right. Normal.
My feelings for him developed so slowly, and so naturally. Maybe it’s why I didn’t recognise it because falling for Levi was like rushing forward at an unimaginable pace but falling for Kai has been like lying down on a soft pillow after a long day and drifting off without even realising it.
“Are you saying you would want to give it a shot?” Levi asks.
I think about what that would do to Levi and I’s dynamic, but we were with Kai for three months and nothing changed. If anything, watching Levi care about someone else only made me fall for him more. Levi and I might be a little messed up, but I think Kai balanced us out a little. He made us happy in different ways. I want him to be mine—ours just as much as I want Levi.
“I think so,” I say. “But it’s not up to us only.”
Levi’s smile falls slightly. “I think I know why he said that and why he ended things.”
We have dinner together, laughing and talking. It’s so easy to slip back into our dynamic. Tomorrow, I’ll go back to thinking about Nick, and now Adam but tonight, I feel way too happy and excited to be pissed off.
I walk into the bathroom and Levi is shirtless, his sweats low on his hips. My eyes follow the trail of his tattoo on his back down to his arms hungrily and unadulterated desire curls in the pit of my stomach as I look at his taut body. He’s slightly leaner than I am and despite seeing him like this all the time, I can never get used to it. There is always that strong urge to touch.
“Hi,” Levi says, leaning against the edge of the sink and crossing one ankle over the other. “I was going to take a bath. Want to join?”
“Just came to brush my teeth,” I say, walking over to my side of the sink.
I spot Kai’s spare toothbrush. I’ve stared at it every day.
My eyes meet Levi’s through the mirror. He smiles and steps behind me, an arm curling around my waist. “You sure?” he whispers against the shell of my ear. Goosebumps trail up my skin. It’s been two weeks since we’ve had sex, and my cock is immediately awake at the hint of it.
I spin to face him and pull his body against me, slotting my thigh between his legs. My hands slip down his waist and onto his ass, pulling him flush against me. Levi visibly shivers.
“I’m sure,” I tell him. “I think I have something else in mind actually.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “What’s that?”
I move my thigh right against the crotch of his sweatpants and he lets out a breathy sigh. He hums dreamily, pushing further onto my thigh. I feel his cock harden against me. “You’re so hot, Cole. I can’t believe you’re mine.”
I laugh. “Wow, you’re so lucky.”
Levi moans into my shoulder. “I know.” He looks up. “Show me just how lucky I am?” His eyes glint playfully.
I know what he wants but I have other thoughts in mind. I move quickly, switching our positions so that he’s leaning against the sink counter. I sink to my knees onto the white marble and Levi’s eyes widen, a quiet gasp leaving his mouth.
“I can do that,” I tell him, pulling down his sweatpants and his cock springing free.
He’s half hard already, flushed cock against his muscled tan thigh.
“You should fuck me,” Levi says.
I look up at him, a teasing smile on my lips. “You don’t want my mouth?”
He bites the corner of his bottom lip, the conflict clear in his eyes. I don’t give him time to answer, my mouth licking against his hip bone. Levi’s head falls back, his hips jutting forward as I trace my fingers up his thighs, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind.
“Jesus, Cole,” he swears, looking down at me.
I only grin, finally taking his cock in my hand. I stroke gently at first, and he sighs quietly, as he buries a hand in my hair.
“Yes, baby?” I ask, still moving my hand lazily until Levi is fully hard.
His eyes flutter close, his mouth falling open, giving me another perfect moan. I suddenly feel my head jerk forward slightly from Levi’s hand desperately trying to push my mouth onto his cock. I look up, disappointed and his eyes are wide open now.
“Shit, sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
Levi visibly pouts and heat pools in my lower belly. I am terribly hard in my pyjama pants and Levi already looks a little wrecked by the way his eyes have glossed over. There are very few things I enjoy as much fucking him until he can barely stand on his own.
“Was gonna let you use my mouth,” I sigh loudly as I stand, letting go of him completely. “Oh well.”
Levi’s mouth falls open. He looks like he’s about to say something smart, but he quirks his mouth to the side instead, eyeing my thin pyjamas that are doing nothing to hide how hard I am right now. His eyes glint before he reaches into a drawer and pulls out a bottle of lube. He places it on the sink, and I cross my arms, wondering where he is going with this.
He coats his fingers slowly, keeping his eyes trained on me then he reaches for his cock and strokes slowly, jerking himself off. But Levi, not one to do things in halves, takes a finger and slips it behind. His head falls back, revealing the column of his neck, his chest moving up and down quickly as he moans obscenely. Despite the blood rushing all the way down, I stand in place.
It goes on for a minute and I’m too caught in watching him get himself off, making purposefully pretty sounds. The sheen of sweat on his brow makes him glow under the bathroom lights as he puts on his little show for me. It’s so hot, that I am salivating. Levi looks back at me and smirks like he’s winning some kind of game.
He’s right because I can barely take it anymore, I grab him, spinning him around so that he’s looking into the mirror with me pressed against him. He lets out a slight yelp, but he looks pleased to have won his stupid game.
“This is going to hurt,” I tell him, reaching for the lube. I don’t have the patience to make sure he’s perfectly stretched out.
Levi is smirking at me through the mirror. “I was banking on that,” he murmurs and pushes his ass right back onto me.
I fight the groan from my throat, my mouth latching onto his neck and sucking on the skin until he doesn’t look so smug anymore. Pushing down the waistband of my pants, I line myself against him and push inside until there is no space between us.
“Fuck,” I groan, and Levi screams my name, clenching around me before I can move.
I look back at him through the mirror and his chest is flushed, his head lolled back on my shoulder. The heat from his body has me delirious for a second. I pull out, not giving him much time to adjust and snap my hips forward again. His body jerks, arms straining to hold himself up but then he meets my eyes through the mirror and that triumphant smile is back.
“Told you to fuck me,” he says, “I’m glad you listened, baby.”
My hand goes around his neck, squeezing just enough to wipe that smile off his face. I snap my hips forward again and he moans, but I can barely control my movement, desperate to get to my release.
“You feel so good,” I whisper into his now damp hair. “I missed you so much, Evie.”
“Missed you too,” Levi breathes out.
The salt of sweat dances on my tongue. Nothing but the slaps of skin and breathing fills the air. There is a certain honesty to this. It’s made up of everything melting away and us remaining.
As I feel my orgasm coil tight inside me, I sink my teeth into the dip of Levi’s neck and bite because he’s mine and Kai will be too
.