Just Between Us

Chapter Twenty-Two Kai

It has been twenty-five days since I’ve spoken to either Levi or Cole. April is ending and, in a few weeks, it will be my twenty-fifth birthday. I’ve told myself to move on, that whatever happened at the beginning of the year was a fever dream, no matter how good or fun it was—just a dream and now, I’m back in reality.

Jenna has me in the gym every other morning and she says it’s just in case Kenny shows up, but I know she’s just trying to distract me. Begrudgingly, I will admit it’s working. On the days we go to the gym, I’m too tired to overthink in my bed and my stomach and arms do look slightly more defined.

But there’s still nothing from Kenny. He hasn’t reached out to the twins or my mother either. Maybe he did leave London. I want to believe it means he’ll leave me alone but that’s wishful thinking. He’ll show up eventually.

Last week, I met up with Si. We hadn’t seen each other in months, and it was nice to catch up and talk about where everyone we grew up with is. He left the old council estate we used to live on and he’s a councillor now who travels to different schools to talk about mental health. When I told him about work, there was a proud glint in his eyes.

“Look at us,” he said grinning. “That life we lived before doesn’t define us but it’s not a life we need to be ashamed of.”

Something about those words made me realise something. I might not be from the same world as Levi, Cole or Adam but I am happy with mine and I hate Adam for making me doubt it even for a second.

It’s a usual rainy day, the streets damp and everyone is back to being miserable as they negotiate through the crowds on the pavement. At least it’s a Friday and I won’t have to wake up for work tomorrow. It’s been a living nightmare with deadlines and without the daily distraction of Levi during my lunches, it feels even worse than usual.

As I make my way back to our flat, I swear I spot Cole’s car parked at the end of the street, but I can’t be sure. I stop, narrowing my eyes and my heart leaping up to my throat. Someone brushes past me, almost knocking me over and all but sneering at me as he walks away.

I shake my head, deciding it can’t be him and make my way into the building. It’s a newly built apartment block surrounded by gentrified Instagram-worthy cafes and natural wine spots and today in the common room they are having a pottery painting class.

As I enter the elevator, I pull out my phone and the first thing I see are Jenna’s texts and a missed call from three minutes ago.

Jenna: Please tell me why your ex-fuckbuddies are in our living room right now.

Jenna: Kai Thomas!

Jenna: Yikes why are they both so hot? Get here NOW.

Jenna: Please. <3

I feel faint reading the messages over and over again. No way, Jenna must be mistaken. The elevator pings open and I walk out, feeling disoriented. I pause at our front door, trying to listen for any voices but it’s quiet.

Jenna must be messing with me.

But when I open the door and walk through the short hallway, my heart comes to a screeching halt because she wasn’t messing with me—Levi and Cole are right there, standing in our living room. I gaze at them for what feels like an eternity before Jenna clears her throat.

“Hey, Kai,” she says, breaking the tense silence.

My eyes shift to her. She gives me a pained smile. “I’ll give you guys some space.” She moves past me. “Scream if you need me to bring a knife,” she whispers but it’s loud enough for everyone to hear.

I hear her door slam shut and then my eyes fall on them again. I open my mouth to say something but all I manage is, “What are you doing here?”

“We wanted to talk,” Cole says simply like it’s completely normal after I haven’t seen them in almost a month. No calls, texts—just radio silence. I know I don’t have much of a right to be angry. I broke things off after all, but I was just starting to feel okay and now they are here. In my flat. To talk.

Sometimes the universe can be cruel.

“Okay,” I say quietly. “About?”

“How things ended?” Levi’s voice is cautious. “Us in general.”

My eyes meet his first. His hair is slightly shorter but it’s still long enough to hang around his head. He’s in black jeans and a leather jacket. I hate that I still find him attractive.

It’s unfair that they are here. That he just said ‘us’ when there is no us. My stomach twists but I take in a quiet breath and nod.

“Would you like some tea? Water?” I may be spiralling, but my mother raised me right.

Levi’s face lights up a little. “Tea, please. Thanks.”

“I’m fine,” Cole says next to him. “Thank you.”

I busy myself with putting the kettle on, but my hands are shaking, like my heartbeat is vibrating through my entire body. It’s loud enough that I’m terrified they can hear it.

When I’m done, I turn to them, looking around the small space of our flat. Somehow, they seem too big for it. I nod towards the couch. “Do you want to sit?”

I sit in Jenna’s old armchair across them on the couch. Outside, the rain has started to fall again, everything is grey, and the room is thick with tension I’m desperate to escape. Maybe if I try jumping out the window…

“We’re sorry for showing up unannounced but we weren’t sure you’d want to talk,” Cole says. Even now, he oozes that careless charm in a green Ralph Lauren sweater that somehow manages to make his eyes even greener. He’s so hypnotic and with him, I’m like a moth to a raging flame. “Things ended rather suddenly and…” he trails. This is the first time I’ve heard him sound flustered. Maybe not flustered, more cautious. It’s unsettling. “I guess we just want to lay it all out on the table and be honest about everything,” he finishes.

“Oh, right,” I say, my stomach falling. “Look, that’s not necessary. I totally get it. You don’t have to let me down easily or anything like that. I’m doing just fine.”

That’s a lie but I hope I look convincing enough. I need them to leave before I pathetically fall apart in front of them. I already feel the lump at the base of my throat.

Levi winces slightly. “Can I ask you a question?” he asks. “The night of the charity gala, did Adam say anything to you?”

Because they don’t want you and I’m trying to save you from the humiliation.

His words ring in my ears, the shame washing over me again like I’ve been transported back to that ornate hallway. I nod once. “Yeah, we spoke a little.” I pause. “Well, it was more of a warning, I guess.”

And as much as I hate that I let him get to me, he was right.

“He only said that because he’s always had a strange obsession with Levi. Seeing you with us—with Levi, pissed him off.”

Oh.

I had assumed Levi and Adam had some sort of history but not this. I was jealous of him, but he was jealous of me all along? The thought throws everything into perspective.

“But I think he was right. I don’t belong in your world and that’s okay with me.”

Well, it was okay with me ten minutes ago before I saw them again.

Levi sighs audibly next to Cole. “Kai, why do you think this started?” He gestures between us.

I lift my brow. “Because we wanted to sleep with each other?”

“Right,” Levi says. “But did you ever at any point feel like it was just us fucking?”

I think about it for a second. We had rules in the beginning. No strings attached. No sleeping over. Communication. Rules that we stuck to for about a week because the lines were increasingly blurred. I was falling for them hard and fast. It stopped being just sex a while ago—at least for me.

My stomach twists again. Shame washes through me because admitting it would mean admitting I didn’t stick to the rules I explicitly said I was okay with. But they are here now, I can say what I couldn’t the night I left.

“At first it did,” I say. “But I don’t know, things changed pretty quickly for me and even though I knew I felt something more, I liked being with you both—being around you.” I take a deep breath, forcing my voice not to shake. “I didn’t end things because of what Adam said, at least not completely. I ended things because I knew I had fallen for you and knowing that was making me feel…” I swallow, meeting their eyes. “That’s why I said I wasn’t happy anymore. I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t apologise for anything. This isn’t on you, Kai,” Levi says softly. “We blurred the lines. I think it’s pretty clear we’d fallen for you too without realising it. I’ve been trying to pinpoint when exactly it stopped being about sex for me, and I think it was when we first had dinner with Cole and that waitress wouldn’t stop trying to get Cole’s attention. I was so into you; I was doing anything to have you around me—us.” He huffs out a laugh.

My brain is short-circuiting. I close my mouth just in case it’s wide open but before I can say anything, Cole leans forward. “Anant’s birthday for me. On the rooftop.”

“Wait,” I say. “That’s all before we even had sex.”

Levi nods. “That’s what we’re trying to say. We both at least liked you and not just physically before the sex. I think we just didn’t realise it and thought we both just wanted to sleep with you, but this last month has shown that it wasn’t that at all.”

I look between them, unable to process what they are saying.

“I know you said we didn’t make you happy and I’m sorry for that, but you were never just a plaything, Kai. Not to us,” Cole says. “I think Levi and I were either too scared or too dumb to realise what was going on and we’re sorry for hurting you.”

My jaw loosens. “What are you saying?”

They meet each other’s eyes. “We want to be with you. Both of us—together, individually,” Cole says easily. “Boyfriends if you will.”

I’m not sure if I’m hearing correctly. “Like the three of us?”

“Yeah, like the three of us.” Levi is smiling.

No way, this must be some sort of sick dream where all the gold in the world is placed in front of you, but you can’t seem to hold on to it.

Adam’s words ring in my ears again and as hard as I’ve tried to ignore them, it’s hard to. As happy as I am with who I am and where I come from, there is still that glaringly obvious difference between me and them.

“But,” I start, “I’m not—I just mean your world is charity galas and mine is normal. I don’t know if I can… What if it doesn’t work out?

As hard as these last few weeks have been without them, I don’t know how I would handle it if we actually dated, and things didn’t work. That would kill me.

“What if it does?” Levi asks.

I gaze at them, trying to keep my heart rate calm. What if it does work out? I’ve never been as happy as I was when I was with them and walking away was torture.

“Look, you don’t have to decide now. But we thought you should know how we both feel, and we both want this, Kai. I know it’s hard to trust this will all magically work out and it will be perfect, but we’d like to try. We want you to be a part of our world and we want to be a part of yours,” Cole says. Levi nods and I can tell they both mean it.

My mind is struggling to process this.

They want me.

Just as much as I want them.

I want to say yes, everything inside me is begging to say yes but somewhere in the back of my mind, Kenny’s face appears and smiles.

I swallow. “Can I think about it?”

Levi’s lips part, before smiling a little sadly. “That’s all we ask.”

When I wake up the next day, the bags under my eyes are more pronounced than usual. I barely managed to stay asleep for more than a few minutes last night. Despite the lack of sleep, I feel lighter. When I looked at my phone earlier, a new group chat had appeared, “3rd Movie is the Best.” Cole and Levi’s contact pictures appear at the top.

Everything still feels surreal. They both want me even when I’ve been trying to convince myself they don’t. I grin at the idea, feeling giddier than I probably should.

“Be careful, you might split your face with that smile,” Jenna says, coming to sit next to me on the couch. “Have you decided what you’re going to do?”

It’s why I couldn’t sleep. No matter how much I want to say yes, there is still that whispering voice in the back of my mind telling me that I’ll get hurt. They’ve been together for almost three years. They know each other completely. It’ll be like I’m playing catch-up to them.

“I don’t know. They are in a relationship that predates me. What if I’m setting myself up for heartbreak?” I ask Jenna. “I’ll always be on the outside.”

Next to me, Jenna rolls her eyes. “Oh my God, Kai. You’ve been moping about for almost a month and now, they showed up, confessing their love for you and you want to say no? I’ve never seen you happier than when you were with them.”

“Love is a strong word,” I interrupt.

Jenna elbows me. “I’m serious. You need to stop denying yourself any hint of happiness. You spend your life worrying about your Mum, your sisters, work, me. Just allow yourself to be adored by literal millionaires?”

She has a point.

It’s the same thing my mother said to me. Maybe I should stop worrying.

Just then, our intercom rings. I look at Jenna. “Is Marie coming over?”

She shakes her head as she stands to get it. “I don’t think so? I’m supposed to go to her.”

“Delivery for Kai Thomas,” a man on the other end says when Jenna answers.

“Late-night shopping without me?” she asks.

I shake my head and a few minutes later, there’s a knock at our door. I swing it open and all I see is a huge bouquet that completely covers the delivery man’s head. He hands them to me without a word and stalks down the hallway. The sweet scent of flowers hits me like a wave.

There’s a card and when I open it, I feel like a teenager.

Good morning,

Just a reminder that we still want you.

Badly.

Cole and Levi

Jenna all but screams and I can’t seem to get rid of the smile on my face. The bouquet is huge. There are fully bloomed white and red roses, peonies and a smattering of chrysanthemums.

They definitely won’t fit in a single vase.

“They are from who I think they are, aren’t they?” Jenna asks, as my eyes go over the card again.

Just a reminder that we still want you. Badly.

I nod, slightly lost for words. Jenna picks the card from my hand. She reads it over, her eyes widening at each word. “Badly!” she screams. “They want you badly! Kai, you have to say yes. If you don’t, I’ll do it and volunteer to be their third.”

I raise an eyebrow, “What about Marie?”

“I’d be doing it for the both of us. She’ll understand,” she waves a hand. “I think we need more vases. Two won’t be enough.”

When we’re done sorting the flowers in the two vases and a few mason jars, I take a picture and send it to the new group chat.

Kai: Needed more than one vase.

Kai: They are beautiful. Thank you.

An idea comes to me.

Kai: How do you feel about Thai food?

Levi: I’m in at any mention of food.

Cole: Second-best cuisine

Kai: What’s the best?

Cole: You two are tied.

Kai: …

Kai: 6 p.m. tonight at Anurak’s

I send them the address. Jenna is right. I should let good things happen to me. This feels good and as nervous as I am, I’m also excited.

I want them too. Badly.