CHAPTER 30 BOWER
BOWER
I can’t believe I ordered the truck.
I actually put money down and I’m supposed to pick it up in a week. Then I take it to the body shop and get it wrapped. This is all so…intimidating.
And I’m attempting not to feel like a failure, but it feels almost impossible to war with all the emotions.
Either way, I put the money down, I applied for an LLC, and I bought the domain name for The Whimsy Wagon.
I also told Gretchen I was going to need some time to get things set up, but that maybe by next month, I could be the featured bookstore. She seemed okay with that, at least that’s what it seemed like after rereading her incredibly curt email of “Sure.”
Bennett gets back from his road trip in three days, and part of me is nervous to see him, because I’m unsure what I’ll do.
I know I shouldn’t do anything, maybe offer him a high five and “nice to see you,” but I think we all know at this point that is not going to happen, which makes it all so much worse.
I haven’t really spoken to Gabby in a week, well, ever since I showed up in Bennett’s bed, the night before he left, because I don’t know what to say to her.
I’m bursting at the seams here with no one to talk to.
And I don’t want to keep talking to my boss about it, because I’m quite sure she’s getting tired of my dramatics.
Don’t blame her, though. I’m tired of them too.
“Um, excuse me,” a woman with blond hair says as she stands in front of me with a box of cookies from one of my favorite bakeries. She looks vaguely familiar, but I don’t think I’ve met her before. “Are you Bower?”
“I am,” I say, confused as to how this woman knows me while I sit here in the middle of the coffee shop.
The woman smiles and sets down the cookies. “These are from Bennett. He asked me to bring them to you.” She leans forward and holds out her hand. “Hi, I’m Maple. I’m actually Graydon’s girlfriend.”
“Graydon from the Foghorns?”
She nods. “That very one.”
“Wait, you’re Flock and Tackle. That’s right. That’s why you look so familiar. My God, when you two launched your social media together, I was all over that shit. My little romantic heart was going crazy. Ugh, you and Graydon are so cute together.”
“Thank you,” she says sweetly. “I like to think we’re cute together too.”
“You got the whole grumpy-sunshine vibe going. Really cute.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty grumpy. I genuinely believe he only smiles for me at this point.”
“But how cute is that? You’re the only one who brings him joy. Makes you special.”
“That it does. Although, you’re pretty special if you have a guy calling in favors to send his girl cookies.”
I take a look at the box, my mouth watering from already knowing what’s inside. “He had you get these and deliver them? That’s a pretty bold ask.”
“May I have a seat?”
“Oh, of course, please.”
She takes a seat and then says, “It was a bold ask, but I felt like I owed him. He helped out a lot when Graydon and I were going through a dark time. And he said he just wanted to make you feel special, which I thought was cute.”
“Well, he did. Do you actually mind taking a picture of me with the cookies and I’ll send it to him?”
“Of course,” she says as I hand her my phone.
She snaps a picture and I send it over to Bennett with some kiss emoji and a thank-you. When I’m done, I flip open the box, revealing my favorite Twix-flavored cookies. The shortbread base with the caramel and chocolate, ugh, divine.
“Here, have one. They’re so good.”
“Oh, I don’t want to take one of your cookies.”
“Do you have the time?” I ask. She nods, so I hold out the box to her. “Then you can have a cookie.”
She smiles and then takes one, pulling a napkin from the napkin holder and then setting her cookie down.
“Thank you.”
“Have to spread the love. Also, I can’t eat all of these by myself. The man keeps feeding me pastries, and I fear it might start showing.”
She chuckles. “I doubt it.” She takes a bite and her eyes light up. “Oh my God, this is so good.”
“You’re welcome for your new addiction.”
She examines the cookie. “Seriously.” Once she swallows, she says, “Honestly, I was surprised Bennett asked me to help him out.”
“Oh, why? Are you two not that close?”
“I mean, I wouldn’t say best friends, but it’s not that. I just thought you were seeing Cougar is all.”
“Yeah, I mean, sort of but not really. It’s kind of weird.”
“I like weird, explain.”
Honestly, given all the emotions I’ve been through, it might help to just get it all out there to someone who doesn’t quite know the situation.
“Do you mind if I drama dump on you?”
“Do I mind? Absolutely not. I spend my days with flamingos and then a grump at night. I’d love a little human interaction that involved actually talking.”
“Well then, hold on, because I might just word vomit on you,” I say as I cross one leg over the other. “Long story short, Bennett is the brother of my best friend. He’s eight years younger and I’ve known him ever since he was sixteen.”
“He’s twenty-five now? Right?”
“No, twenty-four. But close. He seems so much older, but yeah, there’s a significant age gap here.”
“But you’re friends?”
“Yeah. We used to text a lot because he’d tell me what was going on with Gabby, his sister, and if she needed any help that she wasn’t willing to ask for since it was just the two of them.
No parents. Anyway, as time went on, we grew closer and closer, and when I moved here, it just felt natural to meet up with him, because we’re friends and he’s the only one I know in San Francisco. ”
“Makes sense.”
“Well, the first time I saw him, it was like…I was trying to get to know him all over again. And not in the emotional or mental sense, but…physically. He had changed so much that it truly threw me off. I found myself touching him more, holding his hand, hell…sharing a bed because I found comfort in him. Anyway, I really wanted to start dating someone because I thought all these feelings I was developing were because I haven’t dated anyone in a while, so I asked him if he could set me up with someone. ”
“Which is why he went to Graydon and Graydon set you up with Cougar.”
I nod. “Yup. And sure, Cougar is hot—he’s tall and muscular, but he’s kind of…boring. Like it almost feels like there’s not much going on up there.”
“I haven’t actually met him, but Graydon has mentioned something along the same lines.” Glad I’m not the only one who noticed.
“We went on a few dates that seemed to be okay. There were good moments and moments that really did nothing for me. But then he ran into me, here, at the coffee house and well, he surprised me.”
“In what way?” Maple asks.
“He was thoughtful and endearing, and he cared about what I was doing. He actually helped me out a bit and I realized that maybe I judged him or didn’t give him a chance to be himself.”
“Ah, I see, so you like him then.”
“Well, I don’t know. I like him in the sense that he’s a nice guy, I think.” I ponder that for a second, because what is really wearing me down are the feelings I have for Bennett. I look Maple in the eyes and say, “Can I be completely transparent with you even though I just met you?”
“Please, I can tell you need to talk this through.”
“I do and I really don’t have anyone to talk to because the two people I’d talk to about this are the two people I can’t.”
“That’s so hard. I’m sorry.”
“No need to be sorry. I put myself in this situation.” I take a bite of my cookie and sigh as I stare out the window for a moment. “I like him,” I say finally. “More than I probably should, and it’s eating away at me. I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Who? Cougar?” Maple asks.
I shake my head. “No, Bennett. I think Cougar is a failed attempt on my part to convince myself that there are other options out there.”
“A failed attempt? So are you not going to go out with him anymore?”
“I don’t know,” I say, so conflicted. “There are things about him that I know I like, and the more I get to know him, the more I see him differently and not as the boring asshole I initially went out with. And he also keeps showing me a different side of him. Makes me think he puts up this front so he doesn’t get hurt, you know? ”
“Yeah, I get that. When I first met Graydon, I couldn’t see past his grumpiness and negativity. But once I got to know his story, once I saw beyond the facade, I couldn’t stay away.”
“Makes sense.”
But I know I don’t feel I want to keep delving into Cougar’s psyche to see if I’m genuinely missing something I shouldn’t miss. Is that the key to this issue? Or do I ignore that?
“But with Bennett, there’s no trying. We get on so well. I don’t have to peel back the layers. What you see is what you get.” I trusted him at Adalade’s function. No question. “It’s just me and him, and it feels easy and flawless and like it’s where I’m supposed to be.”
“So then why are you keeping Cougar around?” she asks with curiosity. Because what if there is no one else out there who would deal with my crazy?
And that thought just annoys me. I do not need a boyfriend to make me feel complete.
I know this. I respect women who choose to be single rather than compromise when they don’t find someone they desperately love.
But I would love to find love. Being the person who loves unconditionally is something I crave.
I want to build a life with someone and be their person. I want to feel treasured.
Maybe, quite possibly, Cougar is not that man for me, but what if we just need more time for things to truly click?
He might get into reading eventually. He might become less self-absorbed.
What would it harm to spend more time “trying”?
He believes I’m girlfriend material, and I feel that’s quite transformative thinking.