CHAPTER 40 BOWER
BOWER
“Okay, we can go with the blue toile,” I say, taking a napkin off one of the place settings I worked meticulously hard on putting together. “Or we can go with the red hand-painted flower with autumn accents.”
Adalade stands back, observing each place setting, taking her time to study every angle. And yes, this is what my life is, agonizing on what place setting to pick for a dinner party.
“The blue toile is very much me,” she says, running her finger over the patterned plate. “But the red floral is unexpected, and if you pair it with that olive-green table runner, stunning earthy florals with some soft set candles, I truly believe it will be a night for the ages.”
“I agree,” I say. And just as reassurance, I add, “I feel if you were to have this dinner party in the winter or the summer, the blue would have been stunning, but the red is calling out to me for this time of the year.”
“Yes, it’s quite fabulous.” She picks up one of the plates and takes a look at the back. “Williams-Sonoma. Oh, I never would have guessed.”
“Is that okay?” I ask, worried that it’s not fancy enough china for her.
“Of course, just a surprise that such a beautiful design would come from a mass-produced store. I thought you said it was hand-painted.”
Oh shit.
“The original design was,” I say as she looks up at me, eyeing me with that “I don’t believe you” look, but she drops it.
“Very well. Please order a setting for twelve. I’d like to have them by the end of the day so we can do a few test runs ahead of the event.”
“Not a problem,” I say, writing it down.
“Has the chef given you the menu ideas yet?”
“He said by tonight. He’s just perfecting it to make sure it reflects your final decision on the plating. He wasn’t sure if he should go more traditional or spring for the autumn harvest feel.”
“Ah, I see. I’d request to see both, but I’m inclined to lean into autumn harvest.”
“I think he is too,” I say. “I heard something about butternut squash, so I’m pretty sure he has something wonderful up his sleeve.”
“I should hope so.” She yawns. “Oh, I feel like I might need to take a little nap. Do you mind finishing up here?”
“Not at all,” I say.
“Right, then. Once you clean up, you can be on your way. Thank you, Bower.”
“Of course. I’ll make sure to check with Chef that your dinner is delivered on time along with the menu options so you can look over them while you eat.”
“Lovely.” She offers me a kind smile and then takes off for her bedroom.
Thank God she likes the red because that was what I was attempting to lean her into since I thought it was the better option as well.
Since she’s taking a nap, I pop my headphones on and go to my music just as my phone starts to ring.
Gabby.
Ugh, I’ve been avoiding her, which I know I can’t do for long, so I answer, promising myself to keep it light and airy.
“Hey, Gabby. How are you?”
“Oh my God, Bower, did you know Bennett is dating someone?”
I nearly drop the plate in my hand as my stomach falls out of my body and hits the floor. Are you freaking kidding me right now? My absolute worst fear is coming to life. How does she know?
“Wh-what?” I ask.
“Yeah, I just got off the phone with him because I was texting him and he texted me back, but he must have been texting with her as well, because he sent me the text that was meant for her.”
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God!
“What did he say?” I ask, shaking.
“Let me pull it up so I get the wording right. Oh, here it is. He said, ‘I got you, beautiful. We’re in this together.’”
Okay, okay, that’s not bad, that doesn’t really give away much. For all she knows, it could be some girl he met at a bar. This doesn’t really have any implications on me, right?
“Huh, interesting,” I say as I stack the plates away into their respective boxes.
“You didn’t know about this girl?” she asks. “You two hang out. Have you not seen her around the apartment? You told me you would tell me everything.”
Guilt immediately consumes me.
“Umm, hmm, I don’t think I’ve seen Bennett with any women.”
Not a lie, that’s true. The only woman he’s been around is me. And I don’t look at him with a mirror…well, besides that one time when he was getting me off in front of a mirror, but that’s neither here nor there.
“Really? Are you sure? Maybe he’s being extra stealthy, but why?”
“Maybe it’s new and he doesn’t want people to know yet,” I say, wishing we could change this subject immediately.
“Perhaps, but I don’t think it’s new.”
“What makes you think that?” I ask.
“Well, when I was asking him about it and trying to probe, I asked if he loved her. And he fell silent. I feel like the natural response to that is outrage or denial because it’s all happening too soon.
But that’s not what it was. He was just silent, like he wanted to confirm but didn’t.
It seemed like he loves her but he’s not ready to admit it out loud. ”
Stunned, I slowly take a seat at the table, my heart pounding a mile a minute as I try to process what she’s saying.
No, he doesn’t…does he?
That feels outrageous. He can’t possibly love me.
Then again, it’s not like he’s showed me any other kind of treatment other than love.
He’s treated me like I’m the most precious and important person in his life.
He’s fought for me, cherished me, encouraged me.
He’s taken every small opportunity when around me to make me feel comforted and protected. He’s made me laugh and he’s made me feel joy. He’s helped and he’s challenged.
And he’s waited. He’s waited so long for his moment to be with me. He’s waited years to call me his, to be able to express himself…
And not because he’s my friend.
He wouldn’t have done all of that if he was just my friend.
No, it has to be because…
Oh God, he loves me.
He does and that should…that should scare me, because it’s so quick, it’s so soon, it’s so not what I should be accepting right now, but he does, he loves me.
So the question is: Do I love him back?
“Bower?”
“What?” I ask, snapping out of my thoughts.
“Do you think he’s in love?”
My mouth goes dry.
My pulse hammers.
And the fight-or-flight feeling that would normally pump through me in a situation like this slowly starts to disappear as the thought of Bennett—the kind, sweet, thoughtful man that he is—could actually fall in love with the hot mess that I am almost feels…too good to be true.
It’s also not something I can answer for him, nor do I want to.
I shake my head as if she can see me. “No, I don’t think he’s in love,” I answer, letting out a deep breath.
“Oh, really? I don’t know, I really got a different impression. Have you seen a change in his behavior?”
I’d say so…
“Uh, you know, I feel like this is not the conversation for me,” I answer, just wanting to move past this, because I’m feeling a gauntlet of emotions that I was not expecting. “Actually, Adalade is flagging me down, so I have to go. Love you, Gabby.”
And before she can even say bye, I hang up.
Fuck, this is…this is unbelievable. He loves me. He has to and I think…oh God, I think…
I’m about to say it out loud when Gabby’s face pops into my mind, immediately reminding me why I’m a terrible person.
I bury my head in my hands as the feeling of betrayal, guilt, and disappointment in myself collide in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous.
He loves me, but I don’t think I can love him.
I don’t think I’m allowed to.
Standing, I rush to the bathroom, where I shut the door and sit down on the floor next to the toilet. The stress of it all, the deception—it’s almost too much for me.
Tears prick at my eyes as I lean over the toilet and my nerves get the best of me right before I throw up, tears streaming down my face and my nausea winning out.
Gabby: Hey, that was weird how you ended the call. I feel like things have been weird between us. Is everything okay?
Gabby: I know you’re busy and I don’t want to bother you, but I feel like we talked about you moving to Almond Bay and doing the book truck thing and if I pressured you too much, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. You know I love you and I’m happy wherever you are.
Gabby: I just want to talk to my friend.
I shouldn’t have hounded you about Bennett.
I know you don’t really spend that much time with him, or maybe you do, I don’t know.
Maybe I was feeling jealous and I haven’t heard from you much.
We promised to always be honest with each other and it just seems like things are off, and ugh, I’m sorry I was just so curious.
It seems like he’s distanced himself as well.
Gabby: I miss you guys. Hopefully when I come down for the playoff game, I’ll see you. Maybe you won’t be too busy.
Gabby: Okay, you’re probably busy, that’s why you’re not responding. Love you, Bower. Miss you. Text or call when you get a chance.
“Okay, that would be great. Thank you so much,” I say before hanging up the phone.
I check the box on my never-ending to-do list that seems to continue to grow with every new thing from Adalade—she couldn’t have chosen a worse time to throw a dinner party to impress Draco, who, if he doesn’t show up, I will find out where he lives, drag him by the ear, and personally deliver him to Adalade myself.
Letting out a sigh, I sit back in my chair just as a pair of black sweatpants come into view.
“Nice seeing you here.” I look up to find Cougar smiling down at me. “This seat taken?”
Surprised to see him, I shake my head as he sits, sets his cup of coffee down on the table, and then pulls out a protein bar from his pocket, placing that on the table as well.
“Lunch?” I ask.
He nods. “Nothing fuels the body more than some protein and coffee.” He smirks and then unwraps his protein bar. “How’s it going?” He takes in my disheveled notebooks and papers.
“Oh, you know, busy.”
“Like always. How’s the book truck coming along?”
I smile and say, “Just about done in the wrap shop.”
“Yeah?” he asks, looking surprised.
“Yeah, they just sent me a picture of what one side looks like with the logo.”
“Really? Well, fucking show me.” He gestures to my phone, making me chuckle.