CHAPTER 40 BOWER #2
“You really want to see?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t,” he answers.
Grateful for the reprieve from work, I pull up the picture on my phone and flip the screen toward him.
“Shit,” he says, taking my phone and looking at it carefully. “Bower, that looks really fucking good.”
“I know, right? I almost couldn’t believe it when I saw it.”
“And look at the shelves. I like the wood feature. Gives that old-timey feel.”
“That’s what I thought too. And I know it’s taken a little extra time to add the wood and stain it properly, but I think it was worth it.”
“Agreed.” He zooms in. “The logo is fire.” Then he looks up at me with a wink. “The truck being the mascot was the right choice.”
“Yeah, some guy told me to do it.”
He hands me back my phone and says, “You can say it was me. It’s okay.”
“I don’t need to when you know it was you.”
“But validation is nice.”
“Do you really need to be validated?”
“I don’t know.” He twists his cup on the table. “After you ditched me on our date, might be nice to have a little validation from you.”
I know he’s teasing, but it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. “I’m sorry about that,” I say, even though I know I already apologized. “It was bad timing on my end and I didn’t want to lead you on.”
“You don’t need to apologize, sweetheart,” he says. “I get it, and I don’t think it was until I met you that I actually got it.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
He nervously looks to the side before leaning forward, growing closer.
Looking me in the eyes, he says, “I didn’t really know what I wanted in life, was just kind of floating around, fucking whoever, and not necessarily getting to know anyone.
But, uh, you sort of changed all of that.
” He cutely ruffles his hair. “You made me realize that I could actually have feelings for someone.”
Oh God.
“Cougar—”
He places his hand on mine and says, “I’m not trying to get you to change your mind.
I get it. You’re into someone else, and that’s something I’m cool with, because if that means you’re happy, then I’m happy.
But you changed my perspective, Bower. Made me realize that there’s more to this dating world than one-night stands and that sounds so fucking dickish, but it’s true. You made me want to try for more.”
I don’t even know what to say to that.
Is there anything I really can say?
Other than I’m sorry it didn’t work out for us?
I’m sorry that I started to fall for someone else?
“Do you think, in an alternate reality, where the other guy didn’t exist, we could have made things work?” he asks, his eyes so sincere, the guy I first met in the bar completely gone as his true self shines through.
This is not Cougar.
This is Logan.
This is the man off the field, not looking like a douchebag in the bar.
This is the man he needs to show everyone.
“Do you think it would help if I answered that question?” I ask.
“In all honesty, probably not,” he says. “But because I’m a fucking curious, desperate bastard to know if I truly had a chance, I think it would.”
I nod, knowing that he’s looking for that kind of validation. After a few seconds, I say, “I think if we continued to go on dates and you showed me more of this side of you…the kind, caring, sweet, genuine side, yeah, I think there could have been a chance with us.”
He nods and then leans back in his chair.
“It’s the Logan side of you.”
His eyes shoot to mine. “You know my name?”
I chuckle. “Come on, what parent would actually name their kid Cougar?”
“Fun parents with a passion for animals?” he asks cutely, making me laugh.
“Sure, but that’s not your parents.”
“No.” He laughs. “My dad fucking hates it and refuses to acknowledge the use of Cougar.”
I chuckle. “Maybe it’s time for an overhaul.”
“Professionally, no.” He shakes his head. “I’ll always be Cougar on the field, but maybe in my personal life, I can lean on the Logan side of me.”
I nod. “I think that would be really great, because if I know anything about you, it’s the Logan side that I was the most attracted to.”
He softly smiles and gives me a curt nod. “Thanks, Bower. I really needed this.” Then he stares at me for a moment and says, “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“That guy you ditched me for, that you have feelings for, is he worth it?”
An image of Bennett comes to the forefront of my mind. His beautifully handsome face, captivating eyes, and gentle, sweet soul. The love I know he has for me, that he shows me every chance he gets.
“There’s a pause,” he says. “Leads me to believe he might not be.”
I look up at Cougar as realization rolls over me. I shake my head. “No, he is.”
Because even though I’m terrified about what would happen with Gabby, even though I know I’m risking so much, the thought of not being with him terrifies and hurts me more.
“I can’t…” My breath catches in my throat.
“I can’t imagine a moment where he doesn’t see me and his face doesn’t light up.
I can’t imagine a day without his nose nuzzling along my neck.
I can’t imagine not hearing his deep, sultry voice calling me beautiful.
” I nod, my mind letting him brand himself all over me.
“He’s worth it. Everything about him is worth it. ”
Cougar studies me for a moment, almost as if he’s calculating in his head that he believes me or even that he wants that same feeling.
Finally, he says, “Then he better not fuck it up.”
I shake my head. “I can’t imagine a scenario where he would.”
“Good.” He stands. “I should get out of here. Can I get a hug?”
“Yes, of course,” I say as I stand and wrap my arms around him.
He rubs my back and whispers, “I really hope everything works out with the other guy, but if it doesn’t, you have my number, sweetheart.”
I chuckle as I pull away. “Good luck with everything…Logan.”
He picks up his coffee and protein bar. “You too, Bower.”
As I sit back down, I stare at my blank computer screen, my mind racing while my nerves tangle up into a knot in the pit of my stomach.
My heart is there. I can feel it. Without Bennett, it would crack, not feel whole, bleed for the man who has claimed it.
But my mind…my mind is holding me back.
And my guilt? Ooof, that’s handcuffing me.