Chapter Thirty-one - A.J #2
You’re not going to ask me to win this song by beating up the guys downstairs, are you?
“I tried to ease it, pretending it was just a joke, but my own voice didn’t help. I took a step to the side, moving, trying to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that was spreading across my skin.”
Of course not.
“He laughed too, but without humor, and the smile was… predatory.”
I just want to know how far we’re in this together.
What the hell is this, Big D.?
“I asked, leaning forward, but keeping a safe distance. He kept watching me, not in a hurry.”
A.J., do you know what the ‘D’ in my name means?
“I knew. Of course, I knew. But I shook my head, trying to buy time. My breath was already speeding up.”
Then we have two options.
“His voice came out controlled, almost casual, but there was nothing casual about it.”
You can sign a five-year contract with me, get this song, and all the best ones that come your way, or… I can throw away our little contract, which expires in a month, and put you on a direct flight to the end of the world where I found you.
“My God, A.J., I’m so sorry…” Alexandra caresses my hand, smoothes my face, and strokes my hair as if that could stop the pain.
Stop me from feeling… small.
So, for that, I have to sleep with you?
“I asked all at once, the words coming out like a sharp knife. I knew the answer before I even asked.”
No.
“He stepped away from the table and came closer with two slow steps.”
You just need to acknowledge the relationship we have.
“He stared at me, inches away, then touched my neck. My whole body froze.”
And what relationship do we have?
“I asked, wanting the ground to open up, it was so…”
“Agonizing,” Alexandra says, outraged.
I gave you a house, I support you, and I keep your job, Antony.
“His tone no longer had patience. The generous businessman mask was starting to crack.”
I’m your…
“Big Daddy,” I interrupted, before he could say anything that would make me puke.
Alexandra’s eyes widen beside me.
“A.J…”
So, this is what it means to be one of Big D.’s stars?
“I asked, pulling his hand off my face. He sighed and stepped back.”
I’m not one of the bad guys, A.J.
“Imagine what they don’t do then…” Alexandra snorts in anger.
“He said that as if he were doing me a favor.”
I’m not stopping you from walking out that door, I didn’t hold your passport or anything like that. I only have power over your career, never over you.
“He bared his teeth, but that wasn’t a smile. It was a sentence. And I understood: If I walked out that door, he’d never touch me again. But he’d also never let me step on a stage again. So I left. Without looking back.”
Alexandra takes a deep breath and pulls me into a tight hug.
“I’m so sorry, A.J.,” she murmurs against my shoulder, stroking my hair. “You were a kid, he took you away from your parents, and he destroyed your life, offering himself as the only lifeline.”
“At the time, I knew it was bullshit, but I didn’t realize what it really meant.
” My voice comes out hoarse, and I shrug, pulling away from Alex’s hug.
“I grabbed seven hundred bucks, left the apartment with my hair cut and beard shaved, ready to face the fact that my dream was over. Because, see… I couldn’t go back to my parents’ house with nothing. ”
“You shouldn’t have gone through that alone.” Alexandra wipes her own tears and kisses both my eyes, where mine are trapped. “They were your parents, A.J., just because they didn’t support you doesn’t mean they hated you.”
“They would’ve rubbed that in my face for the rest of my life.”
“You don’t know that, A.J..”
“I feel so lost when I think about it,” I confess, rubbing my face.
“Part of me is sure: Going back would’ve been the same as admitting they were right.
And, as much as they were right about the world, they weren’t about me.
Some men might have power over other people’s lives, but fate is relentless, and look where I am now,” I repeat the words that comfort me when I cry from missing home.
“And what does the other part say?” Alexandra asks, making my tears roll down.
“That I was a kid, didn’t know anything about life, and should’ve gone back.
Because they were my parents, and I loved them, and they loved me.
But when you’re young and have something to prove…
those things seem small, you know? And after everything got better, I was so ashamed of failing where they warned it would go wrong and… ”
“It wasn’t your fault, A.J., it wasn’t, you know that.”
“I’m still afraid of not being enough. I’m afraid they don’t care, of hearing that I almost got abused because I didn’t listen to them…
I’m afraid that pride, ego, or anything else will make the love they said they felt not be enough,” I confess, sniffling.
“But I’m here despite them, despite the past, living the life I’ve always dreamed of. ”
“And you’re telling me this today because…”
“Because, despite the loneliness, the pain, the bumps along the way, dreams come true. I never told anyone this, Dani knows Big D. tried to destroy my career, but she doesn’t know why.
I’m telling you this, so you forget what others think and focus on your career.
Even if ‘others’ are your dad.” She tries to interrupt me, but I keep going: “You’re not the girl of some other musician, remember?
Not for me, not for him. You’re you , and I never want to see you crying like that again, like singing was some unforgivable sin,” I say, and she nods, hugging me tighter, and I hold her for long enough to know that, even though some wounds may never heal, we’ll always find people who ease the pain.
“Despite not being able to go back, what would it be like if they came to you? To your shows or I don’t know… just wanted to have contact with you,” she verbalizes the question my mind has always asked me, and a thick tear rolls down my right eye.
“If you asked me this a year ago, I would’ve had an answer; just like you expect something from your dad now that ‘you’ve made it,’ I also expected that Vicious’ success would bring them closer to me. Today I’ve lost that hope.”
“But what if it happened?”
The truth is, I don’t know. I have no idea what it would be like to have my parents back in my life, living with them… I’m sure both of them think I’m a damn junkie.
“I think it would be the most vulnerable day of my life,” I answer the only thing I know.
“Thank you for trusting, A.J. You didn’t have to do this…”
“I had to. Otherwise, you’d throw everything away to confront your dad about why he doesn’t love you enough, and that wouldn’t help either of you at all.
” I stand up carefully. “He has his reasons for disagreeing with your career, and you have yours for following it,” I say, and Alexandra opens her mouth to try to justify, but she’ll understand.
Over time, she will. “Now, can we talk about something good and leave the sadness in the past?”
“No.” She jumps up, making me furrow my brow. “Now we’re going to drink. You throw this at me and expect me to get over everything in seconds? I don’t have your resilience.”
“All right, you’ll tell me about your mom later? I want to know everything about her, the happy days, MPB, how you were…”
Alexandra flashes a huge smile, unwittingly doing what I always do to face life: seeing the bright side of things.
“I’ll tell you and give you every detail about how she loved me enough.” Alexandra smiles, dragging me to the kitchen, and I squeeze her hand, aware that nothing has changed.
She’s not okay.
But at least now she knows she’s the only one responsible for her own dreams.
***
The sunlight cuts through the room and bothers me before I even open my eyes. I turn my face to the other side, trying to hide in the pillow, but I feel something warm and soft between my fingers. A hand, intertwined with mine.
I furrow my brow, blinking slowly until my vision adjusts. My eyes fall on the small, delicate fingers between mine, and then I follow the arm to find the body stretched out on the couch.
Jeez.
She slowly lets go of my hand, her fingers slipping to the floor, and gets up carefully.
I stay still with my eyes half-closed, watching her try to balance on the couch, trying not to make any noise.
But the almost inaudible sound of the coffee table scraping the floor reaches me, and even with my eyes closed, I feel the weight of the hangover pulsing behind my eyelids.
We were drinking and talking, how did we end up sleeping here in the living room, and my God, what am I doing on the floor?
I take a deep breath and move my head on the pillow, feeling my hair slide down my shoulders, and only then do I open my eyes, seeing her standing, hands on her hips, staring into nothing.
My body feels heavy, and every muscle is sore. My head is throbbing, and I still can't see things right, but it’s not hard to notice that I'm in my underwear.
Just my underwear.
And she’s wearing my shirt.
And underneath... I have no idea if she’s wearing anything underneath, but I’d hate to have slept with her again and not remember a thing. Either way, we really are half-naked in the living room after spending the night drinking.
The shock sets in the moment she blinks four times, as if trying to wake up from a nightmare.
“Good morning?” My voice comes out rough, and she jumps back before looking at me.
“How much did we drink last night, A.J.?” she asks so emphatically that it takes me a moment to process the confusion on her face.
I sit up, muscles protesting, and look around. Beer bottles, wine glasses, cachaca bottles with cups scattered on the floor.
“A lot. Why are you wearing the tour shirt?”
“Why am I wearing this shirt, A.J.?” She crosses her arms, her expression more closed off. “Why are you naked ?”
“I don’t know.” I try not to seem as lost as I feel. “Do you want to tell me something?”
A humorless laugh escapes her lips.
“Me tell you? You’re the one who said we should drink and unwind, and now…”
Alex interrupts her own sentence, and I feel my stomach drop.
“Do you think we…?” My voice disappears before I can finish the question.
“You think?” she asks back, and I jump up in a flash.
Alexandra stares at me, and I know she’s asking herself the same thing. I can’t be so out of it that I don’t remember. Right?
But what if…?
I stand quickly and, without thinking, grab the waistband of my underwear, pulling it slightly to take a look.
“It looks exhausted…” I shrug, and her mouth forms a perfect “O” with her shock. “But I’m not sure if it’s from the daily grind or because we exercised.”
“Shut up, Anthony!” She raises her hand as if she’s about to slap me, and I raise my hands in surrender, trying to hold back a smile. But Alexandra ’s not laughing.
“I told you I was weak with drinks, and now I wake up naked in the living room of the guy who said, ‘It’ll be okay, I’ll take care of you.’ Big help!” Irritation overflows in her voice.
“You were the one who made several liters of Brazilian drinks,” I remind the helpless maiden. “But calm down. Probably nothing happened. We’d remember. I, for sure, would remember if I’d slept with the most incredible girl I’ve ever met.”
Alexandra stares at me for a long second, but doesn’t move. When I take a step toward her, her gaze lights up with something I can’t name, but before I can get any closer, she raises her hand and stops me.
“Not today, A.J., not today.”
And then she takes a step back, leaving me standing here, unsure whether I should laugh or be concerned. But one thing I’m sure of: Getting over this night will be a lot harder than our make-out sessions from Friday.