Chapter Thirty-two – Alex
It’s just that I’m really afraid of falling in love
I’ve been through this before.
And you’re helping me move past it,
but I don’t want to be a burden in your life.
Deixa Acontecer - Grupo Revelac?o
The cold water crashes down like a cutting waterfall, drenching my hair before sliding mercilessly over my skin, making every muscle tense. I could switch to hot—just turn the tap the other way and sink into comfort.
But no. I’d rather punish myself for losing control over something as simple as a night with A.J.
I first walked into this house almost thirty days ago, and in here we’ve been friends—just friends—every single day. No complications. And now, in one simple moment of weakness or—hell—anger, I drank enough to forget if anything actually happened.
If anything did happen.
I feel like garbage for not even knowing, and for snapping at A.J., and for leaving him alone after everything he shared with me yesterday.
I run my hands over my body, trying in vain to scrub away this suffocating sense of failure. It’s humiliating to feel so weak and anxious because my dad doesn’t approve of my career. For God’s sake, A.J. faced far worse and still meets life with a smile and sees the glass—much more than—half full.
I don’t call myself optimistic, but I’m not pessimistic either. My dad’s abandonment, though, makes me see the glass not just half empty, but cracked, about to shatter at the slightest touch.
As if I’m still a twelve-year-old girl trying not to disappoint dear old dad. But I’m not. I’m a woman forging my own path.
It hurts to remember how I discovered my love for music beside my dad when I was ten, marveling at how music moved people. Now, between us, all that remains is the distance. But I refuse to carry that weight any longer.
Just like A.J. gave up having his parents around to be happy with his choices, I have to do the same. I don’t sing to please Luiz Saldanha —I have a career for myself, and I need to start living that truth.
I turn off the shower, grab the towel, and wrap it around me. I face my anxious reflection in the mirror, knowing my issues with my dad aren’t the only ones I need to sort out.
I scan my face, my body, searching for any memory of last night—any clue to what happened. But I stop before I find anything. Because if something happened, the only thing worse than not remembering… would be remembering.
I turn from the mirror, pick up my phone, and sit on the closed toilet lid in the gray bathroom. I open my contacts and tap “Call” on the only number that makes sense right now.
“Good morning—look who remembered she has a cousin, manager, and best friend,” Thalia ironizes on the other end, and I accept the jab. I haven’t so much as texted her since we visited Guilherme’s place.
“Hey, gorgeous—how are you?”
“Great. I closed my last two clients, so now I can actually leave work on time without guilt. Oh—” Thalia pauses, and I’m about to ask what’s up when she continues. “As of January, I’ll be a senior auditor…”
“Oh my god, Thalia! You’re finally getting promoted—I can’t believe it!”
My reflection grins in the mirror, almost forgetting why I called.
“Neither can I—now it’s five more years to coordinator and hopefully less work burnout. But you definitely didn’t call to talk accounting trends in the States…” she whispers, curious.
“First, how are Aunt and Uncle?”
“They’re fine—normal. Your dad…”
“No. I don’t want to talk about him.”
I cut her off. I have zero time for him right now.
“Wow, I was just going to say he asked about you.”
“My dad has my number, Thalia. If he wants to hear from me, he can call me himself. And I forbid you from saying anything about me,” I add seriously.
She laughs on the line.
“All right, got it. But I’ve only got forty minutes left on my break, so if you could spill it…”
I take a breath and run through the facts she doesn’t know yet, sorting them before spewing them out.
“Last week A.J. canceled one of our dates—he had a call with the guys.” I feel ridiculous but press on.
“I got pissed for not being warned and went for a walk around the city at night.” Thalia’s giggle makes me close my eyes in shame.
“It was amazing, like my mom was with me—seriously perfect. But the next morning I tried to plan something before we headed to Guilherme’s, since our tour routine was ending, but he had… ”
“Another call with the boys?” Thalia interrupts, anxious.
“Worse. He had a woman over, opened the door half-naked and went to his room with her. Then I heard moaning and laughter, growls even. I was so angry, so disrespected. I blasted “Baby Shark” through the whole house audio system, and the poor woman left.”
“In your world, that’s called anger ?”
I ignore her laugh.
“She left right away. Then there was… a moment.” I murmur, looking away. “Like you said would happen when I moved here, and it was awkward. A.J. teased me, I got turned on—it was terrible.” Thalia bursts out laughing, echoing in the closed booth. “Then we went to Guilherme’s and it got worse.”
“You fought?”
“No, I was crazy about him, blind, I swear, it was annoying. Then we hooked up .”
“You what?”
“Thalia, you’re yelling—where are you?”
“Bathroom stall, sitting on the toilet lid—keep going.”
“We spent the night in his basement,” I whisper, and that’s all she gets.
“Everything went back to normal after the shows. I mean, he didn’t kiss any fans, but…
it was just us again,” I say, trying to convince myself more than her.
“Until yesterday. We got wasted, fell asleep on the couch, and I woke up in my underwear with his shirt on while A.J. was asleep next to me on the floor in just his boxers.” I exhale as if shedding a huge weight.
Silence on the line doesn’t bother me; I need a moment to recover. But Thalia’s time is limited, and I need her advice. I clear my throat to wake her.
“Explain to me… exactly… what happened.”
“That’s the problem. I have no idea. We were talking, drinking, laughing.
I remember us talking about why I stayed with Vicious instead of going back to Brazil; my issues with my dad; I heard his life story, which wasn’t easy at all…
My last memory is us taking shots of some drink, and then… it’s all a blur or just nothing.”
“No, darling.” My friend laughs mockingly through the phone. “Go back a little… How come you hooked up and didn’t tell me?”
“Before and after making a woman happy, lust humiliates her. I was so thirsty for him, I don’t know if it was the jealousy of that girl who came here or if I just…
stopped pretending he’s not kind, caring, attentive, hot…
One minute, we were talking on the living room couch while everyone else slept, and the next, Anthony Fortin was kissing me in a way that ruined me forever…
” I confess, crossing my legs just thinking about his touch and his lips.
“I warned you, living with a guy like that would come at a cost.”
“And I paid the price happily!” I laugh, pretending not to notice how wide my smile is when I think of that night. “But it’s over, for real.”
Thalia clicks her tongue in disbelief, and a pang hits my heart.
“And did you have sex or…”
“I’m an eighty-four-year-old lady, Thalia. I wouldn’t sleep with a guy I don’t like, and you know that.”
“Ah, you don’t like him?” she asks incredulously. “You’re not in love with him?”
“You know me better than that…”
“Sorry if it sounds offensive, I’m just trying to understand…
” Thalia takes a deep breath before continuing.
“Why are you freaking out so much about the possibility of something happening with your videogame and movie partner? You didn’t even sleep together, cuddle, or anything.
For someone who says they don’t like him, this really affected you,” Thalia shoots back without hesitation, and I hear every word with my jaw dropping a little more.
“If something happened, it’s something for you two to laugh about and move on until it happens again, not for you to call me in a panic… ”
“You’ve got it all wrong. The problem is exactly this: A.J. is my partner, my friend, and now…”
I can’t even think about the mess one simple night can cause without blaming myself.
“Even if something did happen, you’re adults, you can talk it through and decide to move on, right? Like you did after getting all touchy-feely in someone else’s basement, right?”
“It’s not the same thing. This is our house, our life…
” I take a deep breath and tilt my head back, resting it on the wall.
“I’ve always had family. I was like Vin Diesel in Fast & Furious.
My parents’ friends were family, their kids were family.
When mom died and my dad shut himself off from the world, all I had left was you.
And I love you, you’re my best friend, and you always will be. ”
“But?”
“I lost everything else,” I say, with the uncomfortable taste of bile rising in my throat.
“There was pain, a weight, I guess… It felt like my life was an endless tunnel. But somehow, A.J. shone, showing me the way out. He lit up my entire life, became someone I enjoy being around.” I swallow hard before saying the words that will make Thalia fanfic even more.
“And he’s my favorite person in the world. ”
“Favorite. Person. In. The. World?”
“A.J. didn’t know me before, Thalia. He only knows Alexandra.
Not someone’s daughter, not the actress from a soap opera, not the singer of a teen phenomenon…
He got to know me just as I am, and he likes me.
And I needed that so much, cousin. Someone who pulled me out of the quicksand I was stuck in…
” I confess, feeling my throat burn with the tears I don’t want to shed.
“And you and this guy falling in love and living a beautiful story is a problem, why?”
“Because I worked too hard for my career that I can’t afford to be known as the girl who got a job dating a guy from the band,” And besides, it’s not like I’d ever fall for A.J.
— we’re just friends. Friends who got a little too handsy a few nights ago, sure…
but still. Just friends. “Being ‘just’ someone’s wife was the fate of all the women in our family, and you know that, Thalia.
I’m amazed that you’d even consider such a thing. ”
“Great professional answer. Almost rehearsed, I’d say,” Thalia mocks.
“Unfortunately, I’m not talking to an executive here, but to my cousin.
The one who hasn’t dated in forever, who built walls around herself when Aunt Tereza passed away, who never let anyone get too close…
until A.J. showed up. And now, here you are, telling me you can’t get involved with him, your favorite person. What are you so afraid of?”
Nothing . That’s what I tell myself — but it’s not true.
“I don’t know. The only thing I can think about right now is that I can’t afford to lose him.”
But part of what scares me is the obvious: what if this goes wrong?
“You don’t even know if anything happened…”
“I woke up in his shirt, and he woke up without clothes, that’s a lot of intimacy, even if we didn’t…”
“And what are you gonna do? Run away from him forever?”
“I don’t know about forever, but at least until I can deal with it.”
I shrug, giving my most honest answer.
Thalia gets up and opens the reserved area door. I hear other people entering the bathroom for the first time since she picked up, and I hear her sigh.
“You’re twenty-four, Alexandra. Act like it, okay?” my cousin reprimands me, and I almost roll my eyes. “I need to eat before my lunch break ends, we’ll talk later.”
“Thanks for picking up, it really helped to have someone to listen, even with all the judgment and stuff…” I joke, but the line goes silent, as if she was going to say goodbye but gave up. I open my mouth to say goodbye, but her voice cuts me off.
“If A.J. is your favorite person, try not to go too far from yous, okay?”
“I won’t,” I promise, and Thalia hangs up.
I get up, even though I don’t feel like it, and as I walk to the sink, my bare feet touch the cold floor while my eyes wander through the bathroom. I take the towel and place it on the sink, with only one question in my mind:
What are you so afraid of?