Chapter Thirty-Eight – A.J.
I can’t write one song that’s not about you
Can’t drink without thinking about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can’t have you?
If I Can’t Have You - Shawn Mendes
The only downside of taking a commercial flight with Alexandra was not being able to kiss her on the way back. But anyone with eyes on us would have known.
The funny thing is, when I boarded the plane, taking this girl to see Disney, I never imagined I’d come back and show up at rehearsal with my hand on her waist, in a way that was a little more intimate than what friends do.
“Do you think they’ll notice?” Alexandra asks, her sunglasses hiding her eyes as we leave the parking lot.
“Is it a problem if they do?” I ask, because we haven’t really talked about what comes after , other than the fact that she doesn’t want people to know.
Before saying anything, Alexandra stops between the cars and lowers her head, breathing deeply before looking at me.
“Look, Anthony. I like you,” she says, making my heart race as time seems to stop.
“We don’t have to pretend we don’t like each other, but…
” Not even the ‘but’ can make the love-struck idiot expression leave my face.
“I don’t want us to become the big topic at the end of the tour.
Let’s finish this beautiful thing we’re making…
and then we can post all our cheesy photos on Instagram.
What do you think?” she suggests, her hopeful half-smile making it physically painful not to kiss her right there.
“So, Alexandra, the stone-hearted one, wants to claim me with a cheesy post?”
“ With a romantic song in the background ,” she groans, like she hates every word.
My laugh echoes through the parking lot, catching the attention of a few staff members. But even though I can’t kiss her in public, no one can stop me from pulling her into my arms.
“Well…” I say, taking a step back, “if you—our moody, stone-hearted girl—don’t stop smiling like that, maybe everyone will notice.”
“No one’s smiling here.” She swats at my shoulder, but I move back in close, my hand tightening around her waist.
“You just told me you like me. I’m not falling for that tough-girl act anymore,” I murmur, my voice low and rough enough to make her swallow hard. I tilt her sunglasses up. “I know you want to smile for me.”
She bites her bottom lip, trying to hide the grin, and looks away.
“If you keep holding me like this in the middle of the cars, people are gonna realize you can’t live without my smiles,” she teases, but I know it’s also a gentle warning.
I let her go but toss an arm around her shoulders as usual before we walk into the arena. She lowers her sunglasses and winks at me.
We step through the service door that leads to the stage, greeted by a big crew and the band.
“Oh, you guys still manage to be on time even though A.J. is irresponsible,” Richard mocks.
“If he warned you, and everyone agreed, it wasn’t irresponsibility,” Alexandra defends me, chin up.
Thomas laughs, plucking the bass.
“You used the right words, Alex. We were warned , we didn’t have much choice.”
“But it all worked out.” Daniele claps once, ending the topic, then reaches out for Alexandra. “And I need to talk to you about the crazy girl with the red hearts,” she says, pulling Alexandra, who furrows her brow.
“Red hearts what?”
“Come with me, I’ll explain inside.” Dani takes my girl, and I look away before they disappear, trying not to make it obvious.
“So… how was the couple’s day?” Guilherme asks eagerly, like he knows something.
“It was great, man,” I answer while the guys and the crew pretend not to be paying attention. “It was her dream; and it felt really special to be part of making that happen.”
“ Okay, but what about the kiss ?” Thomas asks in Portuguese. “Daniele kept talking about it, I asked what it meant.” He shrugs under our gazes.
“Can we cut the crap? We’re not here to talk. We’re here to run the soundcheck. Where’s my guitar?” I ask loudly, and a production member appears in seconds with the case.
“Are you guys at least okay, man?” Richard stops next to me before heading up to the drum platform.
I nod.
“I mean really okay… after everything? After she pulled away?”
“It was a moment, Rick. We’re better than before,” I assure him, ruffling his already sweaty hair. “And if I can ask you one thing, after you introduce us and the musicians tonight, say the next song is a surprise.”
“You gonna kiss someone in One Last Kiss?” he asks in a tone so accusatory I can’t help but laugh.
But Alexandra, telling me she likes me with her eyes locked on mine, touched a place in me I didn’t even know existed. I believe that if there’s ever been a moment to take back what was always mine – this time with so much more meaning – that moment is today.
“Man, the song is a surprise!”
“That one I heard in Gui’s basement?”
Not yet.
That one I’ll save for the next album, which, thanks to the day Alexandra stood up to my friends, it won’t be the only song I’ll write in that one.
“No. Get up there, Rick. Let’s get started, the crowd will be in soon,” I ask, and he walks off with a smirk on his lips.
***
New York is hosting our last shows before the holiday break, and I couldn’t be happier with the tour. Everything went exactly how Daniele fantasized about in her basement, forcing us to record the most humiliating TikToks in the world.
But that’s not what I focus on as Richard finishes introducing our musicians. The only thing I can think of is the song I wrote for her . I rush to the back of the stage, where a guitar is waiting for me, but not without winking at Alexandra, who can’t hide her silly laugh along the way.
When I get back, my drummer’s on the right side of the stage, finishing up introducing Thomas, still with one arm slung casually over his shoulders.
Guilherme’s standing there too, and the second I stop at the center mic—where he’s usually the one belting out lyrics—all three of them look up at me at once.
But Richard doesn’t even flinch.
“And now, the most mysterious man of the night,” he whispers into the mic, wiping sweat from his forehead as the crowd’s screams get even crazier.
“One Last Kiss, One Last Kiss, One Last Kiss!” they’re chanting, but Richard just shakes his head.
“There’s a rumor we’re getting a new song tonight.”
“A new song?” Guilherme asks into Rick’s mic, completely caught off guard.
“What, we’re writing and producing in secret now?” Thomas jokes, shooting me a look full of that same confusion.
“Give me three minutes, guys. It’s important!” I tease, tossing my hair back and turning to the audience as the stage lights dim, leaving a single spotlight on me.
“Good evening, my Vagabonders.” I lean into that possessive pronoun, and they surge forward, practically breaking the barricade. “You’re my first love,” I tell them, and the words send them into a frenzy. “But you’ve never heard me sing my very first song live.”
Always Us was indeed a hit and conquered the world, and now, for the first time, I have the opportunity to give this song, where it all started, the audience it deserves.
I bring my mouth to the microphone and strum the first chords on the guitar.
I thought I had it all before,
the highs, the lows, the open doors,
but now I see they meant nothing at all
I tilt my neck to the left, and with my gaze locked on Alexandra, I finish the verse:
You were the reason, before the fall.
I almost miss the timing of the song when the arena erupts, and Alexandra covers her mouth in shock.
Alex had no idea I’d sing this song, but I need to do this, and I need to do it looking at her.
I bring my mouth to the mic and keep singing about how relationships are complex, but when we find the right person, we can’t afford to lose them.
When she pushes you away,
or pretends to be strong and tough,
hold her tight, don’t let her go.
When she goes quiet, ask why.
If she ignores you, stay by her side.
When she starts cussing out a storm,
And being all mean to you,
Kiss her and tell her that you love her,
Like it’s the only thing you know is true.
I thought about singing this song for a few reasons.
The first, because it didn’t feel right to keep singing One Last Kiss if I can’t kiss the one girl I want.
The second because it feels great to sing something I wrote myself in the end of, as Alexandra said, this beautiful thing we’re making.
And the third reason, was her and how much she means to me.
But seeing my friends up here, half-singing along to the lyrics and the band swaying to the rhythm of my guitar, only makes me want to add this song to tomorrow’s show — and the one after that.
And knowing that my fans love Always Us and remember it as mine…
that gives me even more confidence that I’ve finally arrived where I always knew I would the moment I walked out of Big D’s office but refused to give up on music.
But none of this sums up my desire to sing this song.
The first time Alexandra and I ever went out together, we talked about this song. She teased me for being a sixteen-year-old kid singing about how everyone who came before her didn’t matter—how every joy and heartbreak didn’t mean a thing because that person was the only one who ever mattered.
Eight months later, we’re standing on the same stage, and I’m singing this song for Alexandra, the lyrics vibrating through my body—because this song is about her. It always was.
When we hit the chorus, I’m reminded of just how massive and catchy this song is. I let go of the guitar to pull the mic off the stand and hold it out to the crowd. They sing like it’s the band’s brand-new anthem—like this song isn’t years old.
Thomas starts playing the bassline, Alexandra and Guilherme humming along softly, guiding the crowd while letting them shine.
My heart’s pounding out of my chest. I don’t even think about what I’m doing— I just cross the stage, eyes locked on hers as I finish the chorus.
When I reach the backup singers, I hold out my hand to the girl with tear-filled eyes at the end of the line.
She steps off the platform and sings with me as we walk to the center of the stage.
Since before we even met,
you were the song stuck in my head,
every heartbreak, every scar,
just led me here where you are.
Now I know, now I see,
every road was leading me,
straight to you, straight to this,
you’re the only thing I missed!
Still looking at her, I touch her face, and aware that I shouldn’t kiss her, I repeat:
You’re the only thing I missed!
While Guilherme and the audience repeat the chorus, because that’s probably all he remembers, I kiss Alexandra ’s forehead under Richard’s watchful eyes, and we stay here, listening to thousands of people singing my song.
A year ago, I was sure I had it all. An ascending career, amazing friends, the apartment of my dreams, passionate fans… But all of this feels too small, too fleeting, when I think about what I feel now.
The urge to have everyone jump in and play the song—Richard crashing on the drums so I could sing it with every ounce of emotion it stirs in me—hits me hard.
But Alexandra pulls back, telling me with her eyes to get back to the show—reminding me we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us.
So I turn back to the mic, close my eyes, and let the lyrics wash over me: Now I know, now I see: every road was leading me, straight to this, straight to you, you’re the only piece I missed.
I sing the second part of the song a little faster, more fun, taking advantage of Thomas’ gift for following a song by ear and Alexandra and Guilherme’s vocals, which keep helping me while Richard points his microphone to the audience.
Our fans scream louder at the end of the song than they were screaming to sing it, and I bow halfway. When I stand up, I set my eyes on Alexandra, who smiles at me, and it feels like it’s just the two of us on this stage. I tap the mic, bring it close, and say:
“That was Always Us , the song I wrote for my girl, before I even knew she existed.”