Chapter Thirty-Nine – Alex
I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you
(I can never look away)
I don’t wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you
(Things will never be the same)
I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty year dark night
(Now, I'm wide awake)
And now, I see daylight (daylight), I only see daylight (daylight)
Daylight - Taylor Swift
I was sure that singing Maybe right next to A.J. today would be a struggle. Playing the piano keys with him, smiling and gazing at his lips, wishing they were on mine, and not kissing him at the end of the song, even though his breath was mixed with mine from how close we were, physically hurt.
But I wasn’t prepared for Always Us .
I confess that, while Richard was introducing the band and the musicians, my heart raced at the possibility that A.J. would come to me seconds later, asking me to pick someone for him to kiss.
I would’ve made a voodoo doll of that boy and decapitated it if he had gone along with that.
But A.J. didn’t just not do that, he also sang his song, which had never been performed live, and dedicated it to me. And, my God, I never imagined that being the girl of the band guy would make you feel like the biggest woman in the world, and that he would worship you forever.
“What happened? You’re so quiet?” he asks, massaging my legs in the back seat of the car.
“I was thinking about the girl in your song, she’s a bit tough, huh?
‘When she pushes you away, or pretends to be strong and tough, hold her tight, don’t let her go.
When she goes quiet, ask why. If she ignores you, stay by her side.
’” I adjust myself in the seat, remembering the part that hit me the most after the chorus.
A.J. laughs and pulls his hands away from me, adding:
When she starts cussing out a storm, and being all mean to you, kiss her and tell her that you love her, like it’s the only thing you know is true.
“Wow, really, that woman is me.”
I raise my arms in surrender, and he pulls my legs, lying me down on the seat.
“What insanity it was, kissing so many people and choosing you to like,” he whispers as his body lowers over mine.
“You just woke up the part of me that doesn’t like kissy guys, don’t bring that mouth near me,” I tease.
“You should remember I couldn’t kiss anyone after you, right?” he counters, running his hand up my thighs. I remember, and I grin, unbidden. “That should count for something.”
“And it does. That’s exactly why you’re still here.”
Women have lost their minds over less than the sly smile that spreads across his face, after he runs his tongue along his lower lip, right on top of me.
“Oh, so it’s not because you want me then?”
“Also.”
“Not because I’m hot and huge…” His hands tighten around my waist, and a nervous chuckle escapes my lips.
“I love your massive hands. I feel like you’re going to knead me like dough,” I whisper in his ear, making him laugh out loud. “But not here,” I warn, pushing him off me, sitting up.
“The driver doesn’t need to witness these scenes, or hear these things. Besides, we’re almost home and we’ll have all the time in the world…” I warn, and A.J. looks away.
“The guys know,” he says softly, staring out the window.
“They know, know, or did you tell them?” I ask, with no accusation, just curiosity.
“I think they saw it on my face when I came in.”
“Then they saw it on mine too, right?” I laugh, shaking my head, not bothered by it at all.
“What changed?” A.J. asks, touching the hand I used to mark the line between us. “I know yesterday was amazing, but today… today was different.”
“You know my walls around love and how much my music means to me, and yet you still wanted me, and made me feel safe.” The truth spills from my lips like it’s the simplest thing in the world – because with him, it is.
“Yesterday I wanted you, your kiss, your touch, to be near you… Today I realized that you have the most important feeling for someone you want to be with.” His eyes widen and mine dart to the door, afraid he might open it and run—thinking I’m about to say he loves me. “Admiration.”
“The most important thing wouldn’t be…”
“Few relationships that end amicably do so because of a lack of love, A.J. But when we don’t take care of what the other person does well, when we don’t try to understand what the other person loves, it’s because we accept it, think it’s cute and nice, but don’t admire it.
” I shrug, feeling the weight of those words.
“No one with the slightest bit of self-respect spends their life in a relationship with someone who will never admire them,” I say each of these words more to myself than to him.
Remembering that A.J. is different.
Not because he’s a hot, deconstructed guy, or because he’s also a musician. Not because I look at his hands and, honestly, want to be kneaded like dough.
He’s different because he crossed a continent just to see me sing; because he was amazed by my crowd of three hundred people; because he got angry when I decided to put my career on ice and because, with God’s help – or the translator’s – he gathered all the Portuguese he could to give me the conclusion of the most important song I’ve ever written.
“I admire you a lot,” he says, and I just nod because I’m sure.
We got out of the car like two teenagers coming home, a little awkward in front of the parents and entered the elevator like we were crossing the hallway, trying not to make any noise. As soon as the apartment door opened, it was like the bedroom door was locked right behind us.
A.J. takes my mouth with his and shoves both hands in my hair, a moan escapes me, and he growls against my neck. Holding me by the waist and lifting me up, Anthony makes me wrap my legs around his waist while he finishes undoing my already messed-up bun, keeping me pressed against the door.
“I’ve missed kissing you so much,” I confess, throwing my head back and feeling his tongue trace the path from my lips to my neck.
“You have no idea how horrible it was to be on that stage, with you right there the whole time,” A.J. complains and pulls his head back, breathless. “You tilted your neck and brushed your lips against mine at the end of Maybe , are you crazy?” He squints, waiting for an answer.
“I’m a perfectly normal woman,” I say, playing coy. “But being near you makes me forget about that,” I whisper in his ear, and the next thing I feel is my body being pulled off the wall.
A.J. braces his hands on my bottom, holding me in the air as he carries me to the living room, where he throws me on the couch.
“What do I do with you, Alexandra ?”
“Do you want to grab paper and pen? Because I have a list of ideas...” I say, making him blush, but he pretends to be shy and kneels in front of me, pulling me closer.
“Seeing you kneel for me satisfied me more than most men who’ve been in my bed.” I gasp as he touches my back. “What a movie scene.”
“What kind of movie have you been watching, Alexandra ?” he says in shock, making me laugh with his silliness.
“A.J., I…”
My phone vibrates in my pocket.
My. Phone. Vibrates.
I swallow hard, taking it out and throwing it on the couch without thinking.
“Come here.” I pull him close by the collar of his shirt and finally kiss him. My lips take his, and then move down his chin and collarbone, and I feel myself melt in his hands, which run up my back and guide me by the neck. “Life is so unfair, you really smell good when sweaty.”
“Oh my God, Alexandra.” He jumps up. “I’m really sweaty. I think we should take a shower.” My smile spreads, and he shakes his head. “Each one in their own bathroom.”
“Anthony?”
“What?”
“Seriously, what’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing, I already said I don’t want to rush things,” he counters, as if that explains everything.
And as if any second naked in front of me wouldn’t get me pregnant with triplets.
“Well, then stop kissing me like that.” I cross my arms, frustrated.
But he laughs slyly and pulls me closer by the belt loop, pressing our hips together and lowering his mouth to my ear.
“Can’t I kiss my girl anymore?”
Even hairs I didn’t know I had stood on end when he uses the possessive pronoun with me, but I pretend I’m mad.
“Not like this.” I pull his hand off me and take a step back. “It’s like the saying goes: if you’re not going to eat me, don’t season me,” I snap, and his jaw drops before he pulls me back to him, laughing in the curve of my neck.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” His hair falls over my face, his sweet scent fills the room, and I feel my knees give out.
“Anthony, I think I lied. I think I really want to be seasoned,” I confess, and He goes from a smiling boy to a six-foot-tall, man-shaped serotonin boost in seconds. A.J. throws me onto the couch and lies on top of me, giving me the best kisses I’ve ever had in my life.
***
A few make-out sessions, a shower, and a nightgown later, I return to the living room to watch a movie. Even though it’s almost four in the morning, neither of us is ready to say goodbye, and since my human labrador decided to go celibate, this is the only way.
“Come here,” A.J. calls, and only then do I see him in the kitchen. With his arms wide open, ready to welcome me.
I run to him, almost not recognizing myself. But I take a deep breath and calm down in his embrace. Maybe I’m in love.
And it’s good to be in love.
“We need to talk,” he says, crushing my dreams.
“You don’t need to. What words are these? We’ve literally been together for two days.”
A.J. pulls away just enough to look at me.
“What?”
“People say ‘we need to talk’ to announce a pregnancy or a breakup, did you know that?”
“Hmm... So your fear...” He holds my chin, pulling me closer, but doesn’t kiss me. “Is that I want to...” I kiss him, because it’s too good to feel his lips.