Chapter 20
Hattie
I enjoyed a nice, long bath and even had time to read in Rowan's living room in front of the fire before I had to get ready to go the Harts for Christmas dinner. I stopped by Mom's on the way to drop off preprepared food for her dinner.
I hadn't exchanged presents with Rowan yet. He spent the morning at the brewery. I hoped he was preparing something special for us and didn't get lost in work again.
I understood that he was working hard to build his business and to ensure that everything was ready to go for opening day. But his long hours were starting to feel like a different kind of addiction. I wondered if he was a workaholic and if I was trading one kind of addict for another.
I hated that my mind went there. That I'd compared him to my father. The two addictions weren't alike, yet in a way, they had the same patterns. He'd always choose work first. He could easily be distracted by it. When he was working, he forgot about me entirely.
I didn't want to believe that, but it was getting harder not to wonder about the possibility. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but it would have to wait because it was Christmas.
I parked next to a truck in his parent's driveway.
As I took a deep breath, I reminded myself that we weren't actually engaged. I only had one more week to pretend he was mine. Then I could go back to my old life. The one where I was alone, where I didn't have any support.
He wasn't mine to worry about. It didn't matter if he was a workaholic. In fact that was perfect for a man who was single and didn't have any other responsibilities.
I was stressed for no reason. I just had to get through today, pretending to be engaged. And when it was over, I'd have a quiet night with Row. That one night would have to tide me over when I was alone.
I had a feeling after tonight, it would be busy again until the brewery officially opened. Then I'd quietly disappear. Rowan would be even busier, and I could fade into the background. The breakup would be inevitable. Who could plan a wedding with someone who worked long hours and was never home?
I was getting ahead of myself again. I just had to get through one Christmas dinner with the Harts. I'd never been invited to something like this before, and I was worried that my heart wouldn't be able to resist the pull of their loving family.
I'd always wanted a big family when I was a kid. When I was alone in my room at night, I imagined brothers and sisters, crowded family dinners, and chaos. I had a feeling today I would get to experience that and more.
Or it would be overwhelming, and I'd walk away happy that I wasn't a part of the Hart family.
My phone buzzed.
Clara: Are you planning on coming inside?
Hattie: Honestly? I'm scared.
Clara: Of my family?
Hattie: Of everything. This is so different than anything I've ever experienced before. More people. More expectations.
Clara: I'm coming to get you.
I could handle this. I didn't need to be scared. I was a grown woman who could take care of herself. I could handle a little Christmas dinner with people who thought I was engaged to their loved one.
Why hadn't I insisted on arriving with Rowan? That would have solved this little problem.
I was just opening the door to my truck when Clara appeared on the porch. "You drove your hot-chocolate truck?"
I joined her on the porch. "I don't have another vehicle."
Her eyes widened. "You can borrow one of ours. We have an extra that we keep around for staff to make grocery runs."
"That's not necessary."
Clara tipped her head to the side. "You're one of us now, Hattie. We take care of family."
Something bloomed in my chest at her words, growing so big, so fast, I wasn't sure I would be able to shove it back down.
Her nose wrinkled. "I'm actually surprised that Rowan didn't already offer it to you."
"I usually only ever go to work." I looked in the window, where laughter and talking filtered through the glass. "I don't know about this, Clara."
She put her arm around my shoulder and guided me toward the door. "You're a bad ass who bought your own truck and started a business. A few loud Harts won't throw you off."
I wasn't so sure about that, but she was already opening the door. As I stepped inside, McCoy ran up to me. "Do you want to see my toys?"
"Sure." I allowed him to grab my hand and tug me toward the Christmas tree in the family room.
He pointed out the toys that his grandparents had given him and then grabbed his dad's phone so he could show me pictures of his dad's presents. "I'm going to my mom's house next."
"Speaking of which, we need to get going so you don't miss their dinner," Malcolm said stiffly.
I'd never thought he liked me. I was a distraction. Someone standing in the way of Rowan's success with the brewery. "Have a Merry Christmas, McCoy."
"Merry Christmas!" he yelled as he put his hand in his father's.
"I wish McCoy could stay with us all day, but he needs to see his mother and the other side of his family," Judy said after they'd left.
"I bet." I wasn't sure what to add to this conversation. I'd never been in a blended family before. I had my own share of experiences that had nothing to do with divorce.
Judy clapped her hands together. "I'm so happy you're here. There are a few presents around here for you and Rowan."
Panicked, I asked, "Should we wait until he gets here to open them?"
"Who knows when he'll be here? That brewery is consuming his life right now." Judy rifled through the wrapped presents to find one. "You haven't registered for anything yet, so I had to guess what you would like."
She set a stack of boxes in front of me.
I unwrapped them, revealing a set of dishes and glasses and fluffy towels. "You didn't have to get us anything."
"You should have new things. If you don't like the patterns or the colors, I can return them for something else."
"These are perfect." The towels were a soft blue that would look perfect in Row's bathroom. And the dishes were white with one blue stripe. They were classic and would match any style of kitchen. "Thank you."
She hugged me. "You're welcome, dear. I'm so happy to have another woman in the house. For a long time, I was outnumbered."
"You're still outnumbered," Raymond said gruffly.
"Not for long. All my boys will find their significant others, and then women will be in the majority. Maybe they'll even have a few baby girls." Her expression was soft. Excitement shone in her eyes.
I didn't want to disappoint her. It was going to suck when our breakup became public. But there was no way to get around it. People would be hurt when it ended.
"Come into the kitchen, so we can chat." Judy led the way, and I caught Clara's gaze.
With a laugh, she said something to Beck, and she linked arms with me. "Need some support?"
"Yes."
Clara frowned. "It's too bad Rowan isn't here with you. Is he working?"
"He had to take care of something at the brewery this morning. He said he'd join us this afternoon. I stopped by to see my mother anyway," I said to take the pressure off Rowan for not being here yet.
Judy poured eggnog into a few mugs. "He works too much. I hope you can get him to see that family is more important than running the business. Work is good until it interferes with your home life."
"I'm sure things will slow down once he sees that the brewery is successful."
Clara sipped the eggnog. "When will that be? In three years? Five?"
I swallowed around the lump in my throat, because I wouldn't be around that long. "I don't know."
Judy patted my hand. "You'll be able to get him to see what's important."
Did she have too much faith in me? I hadn't been able to make my own father to put me above alcohol.
"You're always welcome to visit for a meal or just to chat. We love having you," Judy said.
"That's so nice of you," I said, meaning every word.
Judy nodded. "I'm just so thrilled that Rowan is happy."
"He wasn't before?" I asked, wanting to know more about him.
"I'm sure he was content. But since he's been with you, he's been truly happy. It's great to see him in love. I can't wait for more of my boys to follow his path."
Was Rowan in love? Was this just a mother who wanted to see her son in love so badly that she was seeing things that weren't there?
Since our relationship had an end date, I hadn't given my feelings too much analysis. Whatever I felt for him, it wouldn't matter after next week. I was going to have to find a way to move on from him with my heart intact and not in tatters. That possibility was dwindling more every day.
Rowan walked into the kitchen along with Boone, Callum, and Hunter. He grinned when he saw me. "How's your mother doing?"
I smiled up at him as he crossed the room and kissed me on the lips. It was brief, but it was in front of his mother and sister. "She's doing good."
"You should invite her next year," Judy said.
I brought my attention back to Judy. "Thanks for the offer, but this is a lot for her. She keeps mainly to herself these days."
Judy nodded. "I should go over and visit with her sometime."
I should have told her not to do that. But I had a feeling it might actually be good for Mom to have a friend. "I think she'd like that."
Rowan put his arm over my shoulders, pulling me into his side. "Have you eaten yet?"
Judy shook her head. "We were waiting for you."
Rowan patted his stomach. "I'm starved."
"Of course you are. You never stop eating," Judy grumbled.
I had a feeling she enjoyed these get-togethers and loved seeing her family happy. That any grumbling was pure teasing. She loved her family.
I felt like an imposter for being here. But it was only one holiday. I just had to get through a few hours. Then I could be with Rowan.
He leaned down. "The brewery's ready for us."
"What did you do?" I asked, not sure if he'd planned to have dessert and exchange presents in front of the fire or something else. There was the rooftop view, which I loved last week. But it was colder today.
He smiled. "You'll have to wait and see."
I sensed that Judy was watching us carefully, probably looking for confirmation that we were in love.
We were just good actors because Rowan hadn't given me any indication that things had changed for him.
He was still buried in work and focused on the brewery. He didn't have time for a relationship.
He certainly hadn't fallen in love with me. What we'd shared was purely physical. I had to keep reminding myself of that reality, because the alternative story, that he'd fallen in love with me, was ridiculous.
"You have plans at the brewery tonight?" Judy asked.
He put his arm around me. "I planned something special for my girl. She's been so patient and supportive while I focused on the brewery. She deserves it."
His words were sweet, and I wanted to wrap myself in them as if they were a warm blanket. But none of this was real. It was an act. Sure, we'd enjoy our evening together, but it would end in sex. And there would be no emotions involved.
I would keep telling myself that until I believed it. The brewery was opening next week, and our relationship would be over. No more family dinners or holiday get togethers. No more offers to spend time with my mother. No more connection or togetherness. I would be alone again. Just how I liked it.
Unfortunately, it didn't sound as attractive as it once had. At the apartment, I was lonely. I didn't feel safe there. Not like I did at Rowan's.
Over the years, I'd isolated myself from the possibility of having more friends. I turned down social gatherings because I was worried about getting too attached to people. I thought it wasn't worth the disappointment. But I could see now that I was missing out on family, connection, and love.
My heart ached from the thought of what we'd have to do next week. Rowan wouldn't even notice a change because he'd always had those things. I had nothing to offer. Whereas he'd invited me into his world.
We sat at the table and passed the food around. There was laughter and teasing. They talked about work too, but Judy kept it to a minimum. I was impressed by the amount of love in the room.
I soaked it all in because I wasn't sure when I'd get to experience something like this again.