17. Hope
17
HOPE
M y poor, oblivious brother. I’d come to town on a Monday, and it had taken him until Wednesday to even think to ask, “How long are you staying in town, anyway?”
And I’m sure it only occurred to him to ask because this was the third evening in a row that I’d hogged all his free time. I’d gone to the movies with him, out to eat, and now we were taking a walk on Bridleway, the town’s biggest pedestrian trail. He probably had homework and all kinds of production shit he wanted to work on.
Burrowing himself alone in his room to create video art was Alec’s happy place.
With a shrug, I gazed toward the horizon and took in the sunset, mesmerized by all the pretty colors and affirming to myself that coming home had been a good idea.
“Not sure yet,” I answered before immediately distracting him with, “Hey, how’s the new roommate working out? Have you been able to poop since she moved in?”
He sent me a dry glance. “Ha ha.” Then he shrugged. “Actually, she seems pretty nice so far. She’s kind of quiet, though. But I think she’s still majorly bummed about losing her boyfriend. When she saw my movie collection in the front room, she asked if she could watch one. And I told her sure. But then…” Wincing, he sent me a sympathetic glance. “She asked for recommendations for the best movie to watch after a breakup. Can you believe that? She really misses him. I feel so bad for her.”
I watched his face as he talked and could tell he actually cared about her pain.
See, this was why he was the best person I knew. He had such a good, compassionate heart.
“So what did you tell her?” I asked.
He shrugged and seemed to flush. “I was such a dork. I wanted to know if she was more into vengeance because, in that case, she should steer toward Where the Crawdads Sing . But if she wanted something uplifting and healing, she should go for Eat Pray Love or your favorite: Legally Blonde . But all she said was, ‘I just don’t want to hurt anymore,’ and I swear to God, Hope.” He pressed a fist to his chest and sent me a commiserating shudder. “My heart freaking broke for her.”
“You recommended Mamma Mia! , didn’t you?” I guessed.
“Nope. The Princess Bride . All the way.” He blinked at me as if that should be obvious. “No one can be sad while watching The Princess Bride .”
With an adoring smile, I shook my head and hooked my arm through his so I could rest my head on his shoulder as we strolled along. “You’re the best.”
“Okay,” he answered uncertainly. “Not sure what I did that was so amazing. But thanks.” He patted my hand gratefully. “So did you just take the week off from school, or…?” Pulling back to see my face, he shook his head in question.
“I’ve been taking up too much of your time and annoying you, haven’t I?” I realized with a cringe. “I’m sorry. I?—”
“No. No,” he assured me quickly. “You’re never an annoyance. I’m just…confused. The semester started here a few weeks ago. I’m sure UA’s schedule isn’t that far off from ours. How are you able to take so many days away from your classes?”
Well, here it was. Knowing I couldn’t lie straight to his face, I swallowed thickly and glanced away. “Yeah, about that. I’m, uh, I’m not currently enrolled at Akron.”
“ What !?” His jaw sagged, and he stopped walking altogether to face me. “You dropped out of freaking college? But—but you’re a junior. You’re already so far along.”
“I didn’t drop out,” I added quickly. “I just…” With a wince, I blurted, “Took the year off.”
There, that didn’t sound so bad, did it?
He blinked twice, letting me know that, yes, it still sounded bad. “You took the year off? What does that mean?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Whatever I want it to mean, I guess. I want to—you know—experience a little bit of life before I decide if this career path is really the one I want.”
“You don’t think you want to be a lawyer anymore?” He frowned at me as if I’d lost my mind. “But...” he shook his head, confused.
I gave a vague, undecided wince. “I just…”
When words failed me, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Something else is going on here, isn’t it?”
Dammit. I really wished he hadn’t been able to realize that.
“Did you have a fight with your mom?”
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Always. But she’s not why I’m here.”
“Then…?” He shook his head. “What’s going on, Hope?”
“Nothing,” I told him. “I just really missed home. I wanted to be here. With you.”
“Aww.” Melting at my answer, he opened his arms. “Come here.”
I went to him immediately, and when his safe, familiar Alec hug wrapped around me, he said, “Maybe you can transfer to Haverick next semester. Come to college with me.” Pausing to cringe, he asked, “Liz wouldn’t cause too much of a ruckus about that, would she?”
My mother liked to cause a ruckus about everything I did. But it’d been two years since she legally had any kind of control over me. So I could do whatever I wanted now. Plus there was the fact that she’d told me she’d wash her hands of me completely if I left Ohio the last time I saw her.
“We don’t have to worry about her,” I assured.
When he nodded, I added, “You know what? I might just look into attending HaveU after all.” I wanted him to think we had all the time in the world. “Yeah. I like that idea.” Bumping my elbow into his gratefully, I pulled away to send him a smile. “Thanks.”
“Yeah.” He straightened proudly as if he’d just solved all my problems. “You’re welcome.” Bumping me teasingly back, he started us down the path again. “Want to get some Froyo?”
“Actually—” With a yawn, I stretched my arms above my head. “I think I’m going to head back and crash. I spent all day at the beach, and I’m wiped out.”
“Yeah, I can tell you’ve been outside,” he said with a grin as he tapped my nose. “Your freckles are darker.”
I stuck my tongue out at him, and we both laughed.
Ten minutes later, I was back in my car—or fine, Parker’s car, if you wanted to get technical about it. After watching Alec disappear into Archer House, I turned the AC up and downed half a bottle of water before taking some acetaminophen.
I didn’t notice the new bruise on the inside of my forearm until I was reaching to set the empty bottle in the cupholder.
“Great,” I muttered, wiping at it to make sure it wasn’t just dirt. It wasn’t.
I was bruising like a damn peach these days.
And my energy levels were zilch. Despite what I’d told Alec, I’d actually only been at the beach for half an hour this morning before I’d had to go home to nap the rest of the day until my alarm had gone off, telling me he was done with his last class.
At this rate, I’d be too sluggish to checkmark any of the items off my list. I was going to have to pick up my pace.
Since it didn’t appear as if I was going to get number four checked off anytime soon—thanks to a certain moody grump who’d barely acted as if I existed only hours after I’d asked him the most personal, intimate question I’d ever asked anyone—I pulled the sheet from my purse.
Wanting to get at least one more item completed, I dug my phone from my pocket and looked up houseboat rentals. It didn’t have to be anything super fancy, just a sleeper that had a bed in it. I merely wanted to know what it felt like to spend the night out on the water, rocked to sleep by waves; that was all.
But good Lord almighty. Either I was looking in the wrong places or there was no way I could afford to stay the night on a boat anytime soon.
Depressed, I put the car into drive and started back to my apartment.
I could still do some of the things on the list with my limited budget. Like taking a trip with no destination in mind.
Yeah. You know what; I was going to do that. I’d just take out at sunrise and drive.
Except I wasn’t all that familiar with electric cars. Did they have charging stations at most gas stations?
I didn’t feel comfortable enough taking Grumpy’s vehicle that far from Westport, anyway. Certainly not without his permission, since I’m sure he hadn’t actually given me the car.
Bleh. Maybe I’d get a tattoo tomorrow instead. I could get a cute little flower for less than a hundred, right?
Decision made. Tomorrow was tattoo day.
Except a wave of loneliness washed over me. I’d always pictured myself getting a tattoo with someone. In fact, I never actually wanted to do any of my bucket list items alone.
I suppose I could ask Alec to come with me, but if I started doing too much new stuff with him during one trip, he might catch on to the fact that there was a reason why. I mean, he might be my clueless Dopey, but he wasn’t dumb. He’d figure it out eventually if I showed him too many clues.
You know what? Didn’t matter. I didn’t need anyone there, holding my damn hand while I was repeatedly stabbed hundreds of times in a row.
I had this. I’d get the tattoo by myself.
Dusk had fallen by the time I reached the apartment complex. I found a spot to park near my front window and scratched at an itch on my elbow after climbing from the driver’s seat. I really hated the itchy skin. It was just another symptom of my failing liver, reminding me how much I needed to get busy living before I couldn’t anymore.
My appetite was gone, so I decided to go straight to bed when I got inside. Pressing my right arm against my upper abdomen to help alleviate some of the aching pressure there, I shuffled along, feeling about fifty years older than I was, and I sighed in relief when I reached my door.
Already dreaming of cool sheets and soft pillows, I dug up my key and fitted it into the lock. Once I heard it click, I swung the door open and stepped inside, only to jerk to a halt in the entrance when I glanced across the expanse of the living room area and found a figure sitting at the table in my kitchen.
“So, I guess you really are dying,” Parker drawled as he set something on the tabletop.
I dropped my gaze to the handful of pill bottles he’d found and now had lined up in a row in front of him.