18. Hope
18
HOPE
“ H ow did you get in here?” I demanded, shutting the door behind me with an indignant snap.
He shrugged lazily. “The super let me in.”
I tossed my purse onto a side chair and marched through the living room toward the table. “He just let you in? I don’t think so.”
“I mean…” Parker lifted his hands as if claiming innocence. “I had to buy the building first, but he eventually came around and handed the keys over.”
“You bought my fucking building?”
He sent me a smirk. “Don’t worry, darlin’. I won’t be that harsh of a landlord.”
“No,” I agreed sarcastically. “You’ll just stroll into my home whenever you damn well please, apparently.” Setting my hands on my hips, I scowled. “Why the hell are you here?”
“I wanted to talk to you. Obviously.”
I barked out a harsh laugh, dismayed. “Have you considered picking up a phone? Might be cheaper than buying an entire apartment complex.”
“But way more boring,” he countered with a quick lift of his brows.
I sighed and pulled out a chair so I could sit across from him. I was too tired to stand for this shit.
He picked up one of the bottles and studied the label. “What’s this one for? For-oh-say-mide?”
“It’s a diuretic,” I answered, plopping my hands on the table impatiently because he was stalling, and it was irritating. No way had he bought my building just to ask me something he could look up online. “It helps me pee and keeps me flushed to fight off the swelling that my failing liver is causing with all the fluids I’m retaining.”
Slipping his thumb over the label, he murmured, “All prescribed by one Dr. Selma Paul.”
“She’s my hepatologist,” I explained.
His gaze slid my way. “And she’s the Paul whose calls you’ve been avoiding.”
“Obviously.”
“Why were you avoiding her?” he asked, remaining emotionless as he watched me.
I huffed out a breath and rolled my eyes toward the ceiling. “None of your business.”
“Hope,” he bit out in a hard voice as he narrowed his eyes.
For some reason that made me cave. With a sigh, I mumbled, “I didn’t much care for the last diagnosis she gave me. Alright?”
“That you’re dying?” he pressed. And God. He said it so calmly. As if it were nothing.
Scoffing, I snarked, “How’d you guess?”
Parker set the bottle down and looked over at me with displeasure. “And you’re on a list? To get a new liver?”
Oh my God. Really?
“I told you I was.”
He fell back in his chair and drummed his fingers on the tabletop. “So you’ll get a transplant from a donor before it’s too late,” he said as if it were a statement of fact, not a question.
I hitched up one shoulder. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
Narrowing his eyes as if annoyed by my answer, he demanded, “And you haven’t told Alec any of this?”
“No.” Gnashing my teeth because, apparently, he hadn’t listened to me at all yesterday, I ground out, “Like I said, if I tell him, he’ll just try to give me a part of his again.”
Parker threw up his hands in disgust. “Then let him. Jesus, Trouble. You’re fucking dying .”
“First of all,”—I lifted a stern finger—“no transplant doctor would agree to that surgery. Alec’s liver might’ve regrown and be fully functioning for him again, but it didn’t truly regenerate.”
Parker only shook his head. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
“I have no idea,” I admitted. “I just know it’s not a good idea for him to donate anything to me again, so I’m not going to let him. And even if he could, I wouldn’t want him to. I’m not taking anything else away from him. But mostly, I don’t want him stressing about something he can’t change, ergo, I repeat… Alec doesn’t need to know. Not yet.”
“God.” Parker pushed back his chair and shoved his way to his feet, running his hands through his hair as he began to pace. “You’re a stubborn pest, do you know that?”
“So you’ve told me. Repeatedly.”
He paused and sent me a dark look. Then demanded, “You need to find a doctor down here. A second opinion.”
“One step ahead of you, pal.” I let out a weary sigh. “Or Paulie is, anyway. She contacted a hepatologist here in Westport for me to see. I have an appointment with him tomorrow.”
“What’s his name?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Why? Don’t you believe me?”
He scowled back. “I want to check his credentials.”
“Kepler,” I relented. “His name is Ronald Kepler.”
“So can he put you on dialysis or chemo or something to fix this?”
“No,” I explained. “Because chemo’s for cancer patients. Dialysis is for the kidney.”
Actually, there was dialysis for the liver, but it was basically worthless. A temporary fix. It wouldn’t keep you going for long because there was no machine out there that could replace the work of the liver.
“Another transplant is the only fix for this,” I said. “Trust me, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. It’s not like I want to die.”
“Motherfucker,” he muttered irritably and resumed his pacing.
I said nothing, just remained sitting where I was, too weary to stand as I mildly watched him huff and puff and mutter obscenities as he stormed back and forth across my kitchen floor.
Finally, he jarred to a halt and spun to face me, looking very grim as he asked, “You were fucking serious about that request you made to me, weren’t you?”
“Yes.”
Why in the world would he think I hadn’t been?
“Christ,” he growled and ran a hand through his hair before he laughed bitterly and paced some more. A second later, he spun toward me. “So let me ask you this.” Slapping a sheet of paper down onto the table, he pointed. “You put thirteen things on this list, all of which I could help you with. Why the fuck did you come to me for only number four?”
I sat up straighter, alarmed. “That’s my list. How the hell did you get my list?”
He squinted at me as if the answer should be obvious. “It was on your dresser in your bedroom.”
“You went into my bedroom ?”
What the hell?
He wrinkled his brow as if he couldn’t understand why I was so outraged. Then he spread his hands out over the bottles on the table dramatically. “How do you think I found your medicine?”
Right. Shit. Huffing out a disgusted breath, I demanded, “What else did you snoop through?”
“Everything,” he told me unapologetically. “Now answer the damn question. Why only number four?”
“Because,” I scoffed. “Most of the others require money to accomplish, and I don’t need your stupid money.”
That wasn’t quite true. I could definitely use the money. But I didn’t want him to think money was the only thing that drew me to him. I’d take Parker Ohrley dead broke if I could get him.
“Why number four?” he insisted. “Why me ?”
I stared him straight in the eye, and he paused to stare right back.
“Well?”
Damn.
“I told you?—”
“Tell me the truth this time.”
God. I blew out a breath. I guess I’d already revealed enough to him by asking him to have sex with me. It wasn’t as if I had a whole lot of pride left where he was concerned.
Swallowing thickly, I lifted one shoulder. “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “Because I was curious . Okay?”
There. I’d said it.
Parker kept staring without revealing a single thought or emotion.
Then, he exhaled roughly and turned away so he could run his hands through his hair. When he whirled back, he seemed…unnerved. “And just how determined are you to complete everything on this little bucket list of yours?”
“Well.” Not quite sure how to answer, I made a helpless gesture. “It’s the only thing I have left to live for, so…”
His gaze darkened. “Don’t be a smart-ass. Not right now.”
I scoffed and shook my head. “What’re you really doing here, Grumpy? What , huh?”
He sent me another look that told me how displeased he was with this entire conversation. Then he grabbed the back of the chair he’d been sitting in and gripped it hard as he leaned his weight into it, obviously fighting some internal struggle.
“I’m here because…” He paused to swallow thickly. Then he lifted his gaze, and he said, “I’m curious too.”
My heart skipped a beat.
Holding my breath in fear that this moment would dissolve if I let any oxygen in, I shook my head. “W-what?”
He lifted a single eyebrow, silently telling me that there was no way he was going to repeat that confession.
“Holy jeez,” I blurted, too dazed to honestly think for the longest breath.
Dizziness assailed me. I shuddered out a stuttered exhale and tucked both sides of my hair behind my ears to induce some proper brain function.
“Um—okay,” I finally managed to mumble, keeping my voice low and even. “So what does that mean?’
“The fuck if I know,” he blustered, falling back into his chair heavily to grip the top of his head. His afflicted gaze swiveled to me, and he flopped both hands into his lap. “You’re fully aware of the consequences this might have, right?”
I frowned momentarily, not sure what he meant until?—
“Oh!” I blinked in surprise and waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, don’t worry. I have an IUD implant. I won’t get pregnant. But you can still wear a condom if you want, you know, for…extra protection, even though I haven’t had sex in half a year and don’t have any STDs.”
Parker stared at me with zero expression for about two seconds before saying, “Good to know but not what I was talking about.”
My brow furrowed in confusion. “Then what were you talking about?”
“Alec!” he cried as if he couldn’t believe I would forget my own brother. “I’m assuming you don’t want him to know about…this.”
“Well…” I winced before slowly hedging, “I mean, I don’t see why he would need to. I don’t exactly tell him about my sexual encounters, so no, I guess you’re right. I wouldn’t run and blab about it to him.”
“Then you’re asking me to lie to him,” Parker said leadingly as he lowered his face while keeping his gaze level with mine. “You want me to lie to one of my best friends on the planet. You want me to betray him by fucking his sister behind his back.”
I pulled away with a grimace. “Well, that’s an ugly way to put it.”
“But I’m not wrong, am I?”
Since I couldn’t argue the point, I closed my mouth and remained quiet.
Parker scoffed and shook his head. “Betraying one of them is like betraying all of them. If they found out about this, I could lose them. Every single one of them. And they’re the only people I have. You know this. You know I can’t lose them.”
I swallowed, starting to understand the gravity of the consequences for him.
“Alright, then.” I shrugged as if it were no big deal. “I guess that settles it; your answer’s no.” Placing my hands on the table, I shoved down my rejection with pride and said, “Totally understandable too. I get it. I’d make the same choice in your shoes. No harm, no foul. So why are you here?”
“ Because ,” he growled, leveling me with a heated glare. “You made me your fucking dying wish. What kind of asshole just blows that off?”
“I…” My stomach sank as his words took root. Swallowing hard, I rasped, “I guess I did just kind of dump a whole lot on your plate with my request, didn’t I?”
Parker sniffed bitterly and fell back in the chair. “Yeah, you did.” Crossing his arms moodily over his chest, he grumbled, “But what’s worse… What I hate the most about this whole thing...”
I sank deeper into my seat, pretty sure I didn’t want to know what he hated most about me. I was already feeling crappy enough for putting him into this situation in the first place.
But he rocked me to the core by saying, “From the moment you asked me to give you your first orgasm, it became mine.” Leaning closer, he sent me a look of stark need. “And I can’t handle the idea of anyone else taking what’s mine . I have to have you now.”
Unable to stop it, my body reacted. A current of blazing heat shot up the insides of my thighs as my breasts tightened, and pressure swelled between my legs.
“So what does this mean?” I asked, squirming uncomfortably to alleviate some of the desire because I knew I shouldn’t hope that a night with him would actually happen.
“I don’t know. God…” Surging back to his feet in renewed agitation, he went back to wearing a hole in my tiles. “I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself no matter what I choose.”
I winced, hating the guilt that rose up my throat.
I told myself it was enough that he actually wanted to have sex with me. I didn’t completely repulse him. That was amazing. Satisfied with his mere willingness, I decided to throw him a lifeline so he could stop drowning in his shameful wishes.
And I cleared my throat. “You know what; I think you’re operating under the mistaken assumption that I gave you some kind of open invitation when I made my request. I asked yesterday , pal.” Lifting my eyebrows archly, I added, “That door is closed now. My offer’s off the table.”
The glower Parker sent me could peel bark off trees, I swear. Stalking back to the literal table, he slapped his palms against the surface and leaned over it to snarl, “Then reopen it.”
“Oh my God!” I blurted out a hard laugh, unable to believe him. I’d just given the bastard the perfect out, and he refused to take it. What the hell kind of bullshit was that?
Surging to my feet, I looked directly into his eyes from across the table and said, “No.” I was going to end the conflict for him no matter how much it hurt me.
He flashed his teeth at me and growled, “I don’t recall you giving me a deadline.”
“You stood up and walked off without saying a single fucking word.” With a careless shrug, I added, “I figured the issue was closed.”
“So, then… What?” he demanded. “You just went to someone else?”
I shrugged and crossed my arms over my chest, thinking it best if he thought I had. “I’m running out of time here. I couldn’t wait forever.”
His expression changed, and all the color drained from his face. “I swear to God, Hope,” he breathed. “Did you go to someone else?”
“I don’t see why it matters. You don’t want to have sex with me and risk your friendship with Alec. This solves your problem. Why aren’t you fucking relieved?”
“Because I do want to have sex with you!” he roared. “Have you not been listening to me? I want it so much it’s the only thing I can think about. I’ve been fucking hard since you dangled your little piece of forbidden fruit in front of me and begged me to eat it. And now you just tossed it to someone else?” He ripped a hand through his hair, obviously stressed. “You are so un-fucking-believable, do you know that? You just?—”
“Holy shit, relax,” I groaned, pressing a hand to my brow. “You’re giving me a headache.”
“Well, you’re giving me one.” Growling out a tormented sound, he demanded hoarsely, “Who did you go to?”
I whimpered my defeat and dropped my hands. “No one,” I confessed. “I didn’t—just no one. Okay? I didn’t go to anyone else.”
Parker stepped intently close, and the hope in his eyes made my whole body ache. “You didn’t sleep with anyone?” he asked carefully.
“Since yesterday ?” I huffed out an irritated breath. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I didn’t.”
“That’s right,” he murmured. “You just said it’s been six months for you.” Then his brows furrowed suspiciously. “But I’m confused. This bucket list thing is important.”
Feeling strangely defeated, I shrugged. “Yeah. So what?”
“So why haven’t you moved on to other options unless…” His gaze swirled with questions for a second before he straightened, blinking in realization.
Not comfortable with the smug triumph I saw growing on his face, I demanded, “Unless what?”
He smirked. “Unless my invitation is still open.” When I swallowed uneasily, his smile grew wider and cockier. “It is, isn’t it?”
I groaned, supremely frustrated, and took a turn to grip my head so I could get a hold of myself. But Jesus.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I wanted to know. “I just gave you the perfect out , tied with a pretty, pink bow on top and everything, so you could be all guilt-free and not have to worry about losing a single one of your best friends. But you wouldn’t take it. Why didn’t you just… take it?”
He winced as if in pain before meeting my gaze and quietly admitting, “Because I don’t want an out. I want you .”
Dammit. A heart could only take so much. And hearing him admit that—repeatedly—was making me cave.
But he was right. It would upset Alec if I casually slept with Parker. For some reason, I hadn’t thought that through. Why hadn’t I thought of that?
There was no way we could be together.
“I’m not going to be the one who breaks up the seven,” I said.
“Then they can never know about it,” he rasped with guilt and shame clear in his eyes but also a stirring of desperate longing. “Ever.”
“Parker,” I whimpered, and a hungry need rose up my throat before I could stop it. “Don’t.”
He winced, and I knew he was going to do it, anyway. He was going to make me forget I even had a brother.
“Give me a deadline to answer you by,” he uttered, his voice hoarse with contrition and yearning.
“I don’t—” I shook my head, not wanting to give in to this but feeling myself slip anyway.
I wished he would just say no already, so there’d be no treachery or lies behind any of it. Because if he didn’t say no, there was no way I could say no either.
“Grumpy, it’s fine,” I assured him softly with one last attempt to save us both. “You don’t have to do this.”
“So I should just ignore your dying wish as if it means nothing? Yeah, right.” He stepped closer. “Give me a fucking deadline.”
I looked into his eyes, and that was it. I forgot everything in the universe but him. “Saturday,” I blurted before I could stop myself.
He flinched because there it was. A timeframe. There would be no more dancing around the subject anymore come Sunday morning.
Jerking his head with a short nod, he cleared his throat and lowered his attention to the floor.
“Fine,” he said gruffly, not daring to look at me now. “I’ll have an answer for you by midnight on Saturday.”
“O—okay.” My breathing turned shallow and a little panicked. I had to reach out and grab the back of my chair to steady myself.
But this could actually happen. Why had I not considered that I might for-real have sex with Parker Ohrley?
I pressed a fist to my abdomen and exhaled to calm myself only to realize he was starting around the table and heading for the door, obviously done with the conversation.
I pressed my lips together and swallowed, unable to tell him goodbye.
As he passed by me, he stepped close, pausing, and I forgot to breathe.
My eyes closed.
With him facing the living room and me facing the kitchen, he lowered his face over my shoulder until his nose was nearly buried in my hair. Without saying a word, he lifted his hand and wrapped one of my curls around his finger. I could hear his breathing in my ear, feel his warmth radiating against my arm.
Just when I turned my face in toward his, he dropped the lock of hair abruptly and stepped away.
Without a word, he strode toward the exit, and I kept my back to him; my eyes remained closed until I heard the door open.
“Oh, for the love of God,” I muttered, my shoulders wilting as soon as it closed. Then I wrapped my arms around my stomach and fell into a chair at the table, shaking uncontrollably and wondering what I’d just gotten myself into.
Forget liver failure. Parker was going to be the end of me; I was sure of it.
And still, I hoped he gave me a yes by Sunday morning, anyway.