Chapter 21 #3
“Let’s get home to shower,” Dad said. “But first, Lorelai, I’m very proud of you for standing up for your sister, but in the future, let’s not kick people. And we can’t call people those names, OK?”
“But Daddy, he was a little bitch,” she insisted.
“Where did you even learn that word?” he asked, baffled.
“Eleanor said it to Caroline’s mom, but she said don’t tell you because you might fire her,” she said. Caroline was one of Lorelai’s friends that used to come over for playdates. Mom hated Caroline’s mother, too.
Dad smiled a little but tried to be serious when he spoke to my sister. “Yes, but it’s not kind or appropriate. Especially for a girl your age.”
“Which part isn’t kind? ‘Little’ or ‘bitch’?” she asked, seeming truly confused.
“The second part,” he told her.
“So ‘bitch’?” she asked.
I laughed. “Yeah, Lorelai. Don’t say that. But thank you for having my back.”
“I’ll always have your back, Karla. You’re my best friend.”
My heart skipped a few beats. “You’re my best friend, too, kiddo.” Sitting in that car with the three of them felt nothing like being in the car with Missy and Colton. I felt safe again.
We drove home in silence, other than Lorelai talking about how smelly I was. As Lorelai, Ellie, and I were walking into the house, Dad spoke from behind us, stopping us in our tracks.
“I owe you an apology,” he said, making us all turn to look his way.
His eyes were locked on me.
“What?” I asked.
“I let you down, and for that, I owe you an apology.”
What did he have to be sorry about? He hadn’t done anything wrong. “Dad . . . I’m the one who sneaked out without telling you.” I rubbed my shoulder and broke eye contact with him. “If anyone’s sorry, it should be me.”
He shook his head. “No. I haven’t been here for you this past year.
I checked out and fell into work just to keep from facing the fact of what I took away from you.
What I took away from us all. And I am sorry, Karla.
If I would’ve been around, maybe tonight wouldn’t have happened.
Maybe you wouldn’t have felt abandoned or lonely .
. . I, um, I know you won’t forgive me right away.
Truth is, I don’t deserve your forgiveness.
But I want you to know that I’m here now.
OK? I screwed up, and I abandoned you, I abandoned this family, and I am sorry, but I’m here.
So even when you feel lonely, I just want you to know that you aren’t alone.
I’m here, Karla. I’m back, and I won’t leave you again. ”
I bit my bottom lip and wrapped my arms around my body as I told him my quietest truth. “I hated you, you know. For leaving. I needed you, and you weren’t here.”
He walked toward me. “I know. I can’t change the mistakes I made, but I promise you from this point on, I will spend each day trying to make it up to you.”
I looked down at the ground as my body trembled. “You promise promise?” I asked. “You won’t keep working all the time?”
He held his pinky finger out toward me. “Pinky promise,” he whispered.
I linked my pinky with his.
Dad nodded over to Lorelai and held his other pinky out toward her. “You, too, Lorelai.”
She hurried over to him and locked pinkies with Dad and me, making a small circle. “What about Eleanor, Daddy?” she asked, looking at Ellie.
Ellie stepped back, as if she felt out of place. She shook her head. “Oh, no, Lorelai. I think it’s just a family pinky promise.”
I gave her a halfway grin and shrugged a little as I dropped my hand from Lorelai’s and held my pinky out toward Ellie. I saw the emotion hit her eyes, and I sighed. “I swear to God, if you start crying, I’m taking my pinky back,” I warned.
“Sorry.” Ellie laughed, wiping at her eyes and hurrying over to the circle. She linked her pinkies with Lorelai’s and mine, and we all held on as Dad spoke.
“From this point on, we work as a unit, OK? We’re a team, and we are here for each other all the time. Through thick and thin. If we fall, we fall together. If we break, we shatter as one. That’s who we are. That’s our promise. Promise?” he asked.
“Promise,” Lorelai replied.
“Promise,” I echoed.
Dad looked toward Ellie with the softest stare, and Ellie released a sigh and said, “Promise.”
* * *
After I showered and washed my hair three times over, Ellie stopped by my room to check in on me.
“Hey, you OK?” she asked with a gentle knock on my door.
“You’d be surprised at how hard it is to get the smell of raw meat out of your hair,” I murmured.
“Karla, what those kids did to you was beyond disturbing. I know your father is going to speak to the principal, but is there anything I can do right now? Anything I can do for you?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m fine.”
“OK, well, if you need anything, just let me know. You have my number, and you can wake me up at any time. I’m here for you.”
My bottom lip twitched a little. “Thanks.”
“Always.”
“You’re not just faking it because it’s your job, are you? You really, actually care about us, huh?”
She softly laughed. “More than you know. Try to get some sleep.”
“Will do. And Ellie?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you,” I said, running my hand through my hair. “You know, for bringing my dad with you to pick me up. I really needed him there. I needed you both.”
Ellie’s eyes glassed over, and she was doing that thing she always did. She was getting emotional. “Can I give you a hug?”
“No, probably not,” I flatly replied. I didn’t want her to hug me, because it would’ve felt like comfort.
And while I was letting Ellie in, I still felt uncomfortable about how much I’d been letting her in.
It was like she was . . . Mom. She wasn’t, but she did motherly things.
I felt guilty for wanting Ellie’s love, because it felt like a betrayal at times to Mom.
And if Mom couldn’t hug me, Ellie shouldn’t have been able to either.
After Ellie left my room, I headed straight to my closet and sat in there, wishing Mom was there to hold me.
Wishing I could tell her how sad and broken I felt.
Wishing I could apologize to her for not only liking Ellie but kind of starting to love her.
I wanted to apologize for feeling safe with her.
What would Mom have thought if she knew I was making pinky promises with a woman who wasn’t her?
I hated how my mind felt so heavy and guilty over everything. I hated that I couldn’t shut off the noises in my head that made me feel as if I was worthless. I hated that even though the smell of rotten food was gone, it still lingered somehow beneath my nostrils.
I hated how hard life felt.
I hated how lonely it seemed.
I hated that Ash wasn’t my friend anymore, either.
I hated so much, and I couldn’t stop crying in the closet as I sprayed Mom’s favorite perfume against my skin just to feel as if she were wrapping her arms around me.
After a short period of crying, there was a knock on my closet door. “Karla?” a tiny voice said. I opened the door to see Lorelai standing there with her stuffed animal Ms. Maisie in her arms.
I smiled a little. “Hey, squirt.”
“Can Ms. Maisie sleep in the closet with you again?” she yawned. “I think you might need her to take your sad away tonight.”
That made my eyes mist up, because Lorelai was the closest thing I had to feeling Mom’s love. She was like Mom in so many ways, and she didn’t even know it. Gentle. Caring. Filled with love.
“I’d love for you and Ms. Maisie to stay with me tonight, yeah.”
Her eyes lit up as if she was surprised that she was invited, too. She climbed into my lap, and we lay down together. We cuddled up for a while, then Lorelai said, “Karla?”
“Yes, Lorelai?”
“I know I’m not supposed to say it, but Colton was a little bitch, right?” she innocently asked.
I giggled. “Yeah, Lorelai. A total little bitch.”
She smiled and yawned as she cuddled against my shoulder with her head. “Karla?”
I smirked. “Yes, Lorelai?”
“I like that you smell like Mommy.”
That made tears roll down my cheeks as I held my little sister closer. “I like that, too.”
With that final thought, we both said good night.