Chapter 22
Karla
The next morning, Lorelai woke me up in the closet, asking if I could make her pancakes with fairy sprinkles.
Mom used to always make those for us on weekends, and we hadn’t had them in forever.
I figured making pancakes for her was the least I could do to thank her for kicking Colton in his privates.
“I’ll get Daddy to help!” she said, hopping up from our comfy place in the closet. I told her repeatedly to let Dad sleep in after the night we had.
She didn’t seem to care and went darting to his room for his early-morning wake-up call.
I grumbled a bit as I pulled myself to a standing position.
My body felt stiffer than I’d hoped from having Lorelai sleep against me all night, and my head was spinning a little from drinking and overthinking what took place the night before.
I had no clue how I’d ever show my face back at school.
I felt humiliated and ashamed of what had happened.
Then instead of trying to push away my thoughts, I went on my social media and saw the videos of me that people at the party had posted.
I saw the nastiest comments. The most hurtful words.
The stabbing pain of being judged not only in person but on the internet, too.
Some stranger said I’d be better off dead.
Another called me the ugliest creature to ever walk the planet.
I kept reading the comments, which made me feel as if I was going to throw up.
I couldn’t pull myself away from my phone as I spiraled into a dark place.
Why did they hate me so much?
Why would I never be good enough?
Why couldn’t I just be with Mom again?
I want to be with Mom.
I couldn’t be alone with the thoughts in my head, because I could feel them growing heavier and heavier.
But Dad was down the hall. Maybe I couldn’t be with Mom, but Dad could help me.
Maybe he could get the videos online taken down.
Maybe he could tell me that I wasn’t broken.
Maybe he could hug me and tell me everything would be OK.
I needed him more that morning than I had the previous night.
I needed his comfort and love. I needed my dad.
After brushing away the tears from my face, I stood from my closet to leave.
I tried my best to slow down my thoughts as I headed toward my parents’ bedroom.
I could hear Lorelai already in his room, and I felt a moment of guilt that she’d probably woken Dad up.
But then, I also felt relief from the idea that he was already awake and could comfort me.
“Lorelai, what did I tell you? Just let Dad slee—What the hell?”
My heart dropped as I stared at Dad in bed with Ellie. My already-chaotic mind went into a full-blown tailspin from seeing my father in bed with another woman. Not just any other woman, but my freaking nanny.
I was going to be sick.
“You and Eleanor?” I whispered, stunned.
My mind couldn’t wrap around the idea that my father was sleeping with my nanny.
It didn’t take long for rage to build up inside of me.
Because he was sleeping with my nanny! In my mother’s bed.
Ellie was lying where Mom used to put her head.
She was snuggled under the blankets that used to smell like Mom’s perfume.
Dad’s arm was resting beneath Ellie’s body.
What the fuck?
“No, it’s not what it looks like,” Dad bellowed, yanking his arm away from Ellie’s body as if that would make the whole situation better. “Eleanor, get up,” he said, nudging her arm.
She stirred a bit more before waking up, and the moment she saw Lorelai standing beside their bed, and me standing in the doorway, panic filled Ellie’s eyes.
That was when reality settled in.
Ellie never cared about me.
She was just trying to bang my father.
Probably for his money.
Probably because she was a whore.
Probably because she was a terrible human who didn’t care that my family was grieving.
Tears welled in my eyes as I repeated myself. “Oh my God! You and Eleanor?!” I hissed, rage flaring out of my voice. “How could you?” I asked Dad, feeling the deepest level of betrayal. “How could you do that to Mom?” I sobbed before hurrying off toward my bedroom.
By the time Dad reached my room, I’d already slammed the door and pressed my body against it.
Dad was calling out for me, and when he tried to open the door, I blocked his entry with my body, shoving the door shut.
“Go away!” I shouted as tears spilled down my face.
I could hardly breathe as I began to fall into a panic attack.
How long had they been messing around with each other?
Is that why Ellie could get away with so much that other nannies couldn’t?
Why couldn’t I just be with Mom again?
I want to be with Mom.
“Karla . . . it’s not what you think,” Dad tried to swear.
Did he think I was an idiot? “Oh, so you weren’t just cuddled up in bed with the freaking nanny?!” I shouted.
“Karla? It’s me, Eleanor,” Ellie said, clearly standing beside Dad on the other side of my door.
“Go away, whore!” I screamed as tears kept streaming down my cheeks.
She didn’t care about me at all. She was nothing more than a disgusting woman who ruined my family.
And how could Dad do it? How could he betray Mom?
How could he move on as if he hadn’t already had the love of his life?
How could he heal from losing the one person who meant the world to us?
Ellie went back to speaking. “Karla, I know what you’re thinking, but—”
“You’re a liar! All you do is lie! You said you really cared about me, but you were just trying to get to my dad. You don’t care about me or Lorelai at all.”
“That’s not true.” Ellie sighed.
I flung the door open and crossed my arms as I breathed heavily. “Look me in the eyes, then. If you’re not a liar, look me in the eyes and tell me that you two haven’t hooked up at all since you started working here.”
They stayed quiet.
My heart shattered.
I began shaking more as I pushed my door closed.
“Just go away! I hate you both. I hate you. I hate you . . .” I sobbed, sliding down the back of my door and curling into a ball.
They stopped trying to enter the room. Good.
I didn’t want them anywhere near me. I didn’t want anyone near me.
I didn’t want to live in this stupid world anymore.
All I wanted was my mom. I needed my mom.
I couldn’t breathe without her love. I couldn’t be happy with her gone.
I couldn’t exist in a world where she no longer lived.
I wanted my mommy.
I wanted to be where she was.
Mom.
I need you.
Please.
Come back.
But I knew she wouldn’t. So I went to the only place I knew where I could feel close to her again. I went to the cemetery.
And right at her tombstone, I fell to my knees. I clawed at the dirt, pounding my fists against the solid ground, begging her to let me join her on the other side.
She didn’t answer me.
So I sobbed even more.