Chapter 37 #3
He left me, moved back to my city, and still didn’t come to find me. That fact hurt the most. I was here, he was here, and still, he didn’t want to find me. If it wasn’t for Grandma Claire, he would’ve never set foot near me again.
I wished that would’ve been the outcome, because having him show up again after all these years was causing old feelings to stir inside of me.
“Look, Ash, I appreciate you helping my grandmother. It truly meant the world to me. I just . . . I think it’s best we leave the past in the past,” I said.
Ash’s head lowered for a split second before he looked back at me. “Sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t have come here . . . It’s just that . . . after all these years of seeing you . . . you just . . . it felt like . . .” his words faded off, but I knew what he was thinking.
Home.
It felt like home.
I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him a forced smile. “Have a good night, Ash.”
He cringed at the coldness of my words, but I couldn’t listen to my heart in that moment; I had to listen to my brain.
My heart wanted to welcome him back in. My heart wanted to forgive him, because it knew he’d struggled after losing his father.
My heart understood that hurt people hurt other people.
But my brain knew that that wasn’t enough of a reason.
I couldn’t allow him back into my world when he’d made such a rushed decision to remove me from his. Fool me once, shame on him, but fool me twice . . .
“Yeah, of course. Sorry for taking up your evening.” He walked over to the front door and unbolted the lock, then grabbed the handle and opened it. The rain was still a downpour, and Ash grabbed his navy jacket to cover his head on his way out.
I grabbed my large black umbrella that I’d set in the metal tin beside the door when I arrived earlier that morning from visiting my grandmother. “Here. Stay dry.”
“Oh, no. I can’t take—”
“I live upstairs. I won’t even have to go outside again tonight. Plus, I have another one upstairs. Take it.”
“Thank you, Karla,” he said sincerely.
He was so grown up. So handsome in all the ways I remembered him to be, but now just .
. . more. He was more mature. His voice was deeper, with a silky, smooth tone to it like my favorite whiskey.
He was taller and built like a man who’d spent hours upon hours inside a gym weight lifting.
That was definitely new. The way his biceps appeared to be the size of my head was something I took notice of.
His deep chestnut skin held the warmth of a million summer suns.
Still, there was something different in his eyes.
Hints of sadness that I couldn’t exactly place quite yet.
I wondered if others noticed that shadow of sadness, too, or if I simply had the skill to pick up on the darkness that lurked around others, seeing as how I’d lived in the dark for so very long.
My heart wanted to ask him if he was OK.
My brain forbade me to cross that line.
Ash glanced around the bookshop one last time before giving me a soft smile that felt more like a frown. “I know it doesn’t matter to hear it from me, but I’m proud of what you’ve created. I’m proud of you for achieving your dreams.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded once.
A million questions raced through my head as I looked at him.
How was his heart? Was it still beating?
Did he fall in love? Did he fall out of love?
Was he happy? Did he laugh often? Did he love his job, or just take on that role to honor his father?
Was he single? Did he still walk through cemeteries?
Was he lonely even when he was around others?
Did he miss me?
Did he think about me over the years the same way I thought about him?
“Good night,” he said.
“Good night.”
He stepped out into the pouring rain. He opened the umbrella, then turned toward me one last time and said, “You look good, Karla. You look happy. That makes me happy.” Then he went on his way.
After Ash left, I did what I promised myself I’d do each night after closing shop.
I danced. It helped me shake off the nerves from running into the one boy who once made me feel as if I was lovable.
I danced away the anxiety. I danced away the panic sitting in my chest. I was certain that was what Mom would’ve wanted me to do.
Sometimes, I’d dance around as if she was there with me, too.
I never moved fast, as my body didn’t always allow it, but still, I moved.
I dimmed the lights low, then placed a record on the record player.
Leon Bridges’s “River” was the vibe of the evening.
I then poured myself a glass of wine and began dancing down the aisles of the bookshelves.
There were hundreds of books among the shelves.
Hundreds of stories packed with thousands of people—both main characters and side characters.
Hundreds of stories, thousands of emotions, millions of tears and heartbeats.
And they all lived within a little world crafted by me.
My safe haven.
As I danced around the store, I tried my best to erase the interaction with Ash from my mind, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him and his eyes.
Those flashes of his sad, sad eyes.