Chapter 38
Ash
Why did I think it was all right for me to walk back into Karla’s life as if I didn’t disappear from her world all those years before? Something about running into her made it hard for me to want to stay away.
When I moved back to Chicago, I wanted to reach out to her.
I missed her more than words could describe.
But after my father’s passing, I’d struggled to find my footing again.
If I was honest, I still wasn’t in the best mental state, but I had made peace with my demons.
I learned to sit in my solitude. Work kept me busy most of the time and kept me from thinking about how lonely I actually was, but when I ran into Karla, all of our memories came rushing back to me.
When I showed up to that bookshop for the second time, I needed my mind to realize that it was really her I was seeing and not some made-up dream. I just needed one more look from her before I could move on again.
Unfortunately, seeing her unlocked the parts of my heart that I hoped not to explore. I felt a rush of emotions that I thought I’d buried simply by looking into her eyes. I didn’t know my heart knew how to skip so many beats still. And now that I’d opened that door, it was hard for me to shut it.
My only saving grace to not find myself back at that bookshop was the fact that I was a workaholic. If I wasn’t working, I was in the gym or playing basketball with a few of my friends. Keeping myself busy was the only way I managed to not keep my mind focused solely on Karla.
I worked four twelve-hour shifts that week, and I ended up picking up another shift to help a buddy who’d gotten food poisoning.
By the time my two off days rolled around, I was already packed with commitments.
Every now and then Chase and I would play basketball with three of his cousins who were brothers.
Chase was the one who forced me to attend the games because he told me being so antisocial wasn’t good for me, especially in our job industry.
We saw some pretty awful things sometimes in the streets of Chicago.
I also knew how dangerous it could get, seeing as how my father lost his life trying to save others.
Chase said having hobbies to clear out the noise in our heads was a good thing.
I wasn’t certain basketball could clear the noise in my mind, but on days when I didn’t want to come, he’d legit show up at my house and drag me down to the court.
For a while, I fought him, but he was a persistent bugger.
The more I said “no,” the more he’d try to convince me.
At one point, it just got easier to grab a ball and play with them for a few hours.
After a few weeks, I began to enjoy the game.
It was a good way to move my body, and Chase’s cousins turned out to be a good time.
They were almost carbon copies of Chase, which meant they had a way of making me laugh even when I didn’t feel chipper.
As a self-proclaimed introvert, I didn’t pride myself on my ability to build friendships.
But leave it to my extrovert coworker to pull me out of my shell a bit.
“About time you showed up,” Shawn said, tossing the basketball my way after I sat my duffel bag on the bench.
Shawn was the first cousin I clicked with when we met. He was a giant. He stood at six-five, was built of solid muscle and energy drinks, and had a heart of gold.
The other two guys, Luke and Adrian, were just as cool and good looking, too, the fuckers. The brothers were in transition to take over their father’s entertainment company, which involved a level of commitment I never wanted to see in my life.
Needless to say, the three of them were loaded. And by loaded, I meant the kind of money that I couldn’t mentally make sense of. They were born into wealth, but they sure didn’t dress or act like the cocky individuals that their paychecks would’ve allowed.
If anything, they acted like college frat boys who dressed like Adam Sandler.
It just so happened that they were closer to billionaire status than millionaire when they combined their finances together.
Which made it even more comical that they befriended me.
I was far from rolling in money. Same with Chase.
But they treated us as if we were on the same playing field.
The only difference was if we ever went out for drinks, which they made me do often, I was never picking up the tab.
They wouldn’t even allow me to think about paying.
“We thought you were standing us up,” Luke mentioned as I tossed the ball his way and he dribbled it between his legs. “Thought you found some new friends or something.”
I smirked. “I think it’s cute that you think we’re friends. We’re barely acquaintances.”
He gasped and held his hand to his chest. “Don’t hurt my sensitive heart, you dick.”
“Yeah. Luke is PMSing this week. Don’t make him cry,” Adrian teased. “Now can we get a game going before Hallie calls me to come home to listen to her complain about her best friend for the fifteen-hundredth time.”
Adrian was the only one out of the group that was in a committed relationship. He often talked about how uncommitted he dreamed of being.
Whenever we told Adrian he should investigate ending things with Hallie, he’d seem shocked by the thought of it and say, “She’s the love of my fucking life, guys. How dare you suggest such a dramatic end game.”
Therefore, we stopped giving him advice and just rolled our eyes whenever he complained about the love of his life ruining said life.
We played a few games, and the guys hammered in on me for playing like crap. It was no secret that my mind wasn’t completely focused on basketball.
“What’s your deal?” Shawn asked, cocking an eyebrow at me.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re playing like Luke,” he said, which meant I was playing like shit. Luke flipped his brother off before grabbing the ball, shooting, and missing.
“I’m not that bad,” I replied as I collapsed on the bench. I grabbed my water bottle and squirted the water into my mouth. Chase sat beside me, grabbed a towel from his duffel bag, and wiped his forehead.
“Ash ran into a woman who used to be a big deal in his life,” Chase explained to the other guys. “He’s been unfocused ever since.”
“Bullshit,” I shot at him. That wasn’t true. I was focused just fine.
“You burnt your lunch three days in a row because I caught you daydreaming,” he said.
“That microwave at work is shit,” I countered, trying to ignore the fact that he was fully correct. I had been far from focused.
“So you like this woman?” Adrian asked. “Like, more than just sleeping with her? Most of the time you don’t even remember the names of the women you hook up with. And everyone knows your rule.”
“One-night stands only with no strings attached,” the other boys said together, as if it was a life motto of mine. It made me sound like a dick, but it was true. I didn’t do serious relationships. It wasn’t something I was interested in.
“We all know about your commitment issues,” Shawn mentioned.
“Trust me, guys. This girl is different,” Chase told them. “She’s special.”
I grumbled. “Chase is making more of the situation than he needs to.”
Chase dramatically gasped and slammed his hand to his chest. “Are you calling me a liar?!” He turned toward the guys and said, “Ask Ashish if he loved this woman.”
“Did you love this woman?” the three brothers said, in unison once again.
I paused, and it must’ve been long enough to prove whatever point Chase was trying to make.
“You loved her!” they shouted, each of them pointing an accusatory finger at me.
For fuck’s sake.
I tossed my water bottle into my duffel bag and stood from the bench. “We don’t have to go over mine and Karla’s past.”
“Karla,” Luke sang. “She has a name!”
“Everyone has a name,” I countered.
“But hers made your eyes flutter,” Chase said as he stood and tossed an arm around my shoulders to tease me. He began to try to tickle me, the fucker. “I think it’s good you have her back in your life.”
I shrugged his arm off me. “She’s not back in my life. She made that pretty clear when I stopped by to visit her the other day.”
Shawn arched an eyebrow. “You visited her, and she shot you down?”
I grabbed my duffel bag and tossed the strap over my shoulder. “Yup. I don’t blame her. Anyway, as I said, I’m not going to rehash our past with y’all.”
Chase frowned at me, growing somber. He must’ve seen the look of disappointment in my eyes, because he turned to his cousins and said, “All right, all right. We’ll cut you a break.”
“But—” Adrian started.
“But nothing. Let our emo friend sit in his emotions by his lonesome. Let him be a man and keep all that shit bottled up until he hits a midlife crisis.”
“That sounds healthy,” Shawn sarcastically remarked.
“It’s what makes us men. Well, minus Luke, our emotional butterfly.”
“Therapy works, assholes,” Luke chimed in as he picked up the basketball and spun it on his finger.
“It works even better when you’re banging your therapist,” Adrian teased.
I chuckled a little.
Valid point.
“I’ll have you know that Catherine and I hooked up before I knew she was going to be my therapist,” Luke said.
“Still problematic,” the other guys and I said in unison as we walked off the court. The brothers said goodbye to me as Chase walked in my direction toward his car.
“You have been in your head a bit, Ash,” he said. “You sure you’re all right?”
“I’m always all right.”
“Bullshit, nobody is always all right.”
“I’m really good, Chase.” I smirked at my friend and patted him on his shoulder. “If I needed a therapist, I’d hit up Catherine,” I joked.
Chase didn’t chuckle back. I knew that meant he was truly worried.
That was the thing about Chase: He wasn’t simply a funny guy who talked a lot; he cared even more.
He cared about everything and everyone. That was why he was so good at his job.
If there was anyone who I’d trust with my life, it would be him.
He especially cared for the people closest to him—which included me.
“I know we don’t talk about deep shit often because we are tough men and shit, but I just want you to know, if you need somebody to listen, my ears are always there for ya,” he said.
I gave him a genuine smile. “Thanks, buddy.”
“This Karla woman . . . she meant a lot to you?”
I couldn’t lie to him. Not about her. “More than a lot.”
“Then I think you should try to reconnect with her. You deserve to have good people in your life, because you are a good person.”
I wasn’t to her.
Not with the way that I left. I was certain Chase couldn’t understand it, but me?
I understood if Karla never wanted to set eyes on me again.
I abandoned her after she had her previous friendships turn on her.
I repeated a pattern that did her harm. My own depression didn’t excuse me for hurting her, but maybe if she knew . . .
Maybe if she realized that after my father’s death, I wanted to lose myself, too. Maybe if she knew how much I wanted to die back then, she’d let me back in.
But she didn’t. For that, I’d respect her wishes.
I’d stay far away.