Chapter 14 #4
If he had meant to use her, wouldn’t he have taken her to bed every time the urge took him?
Yes. And yet, instead of doing that, he had promised her she would not have to endure his attentions ever again.
He had not touched her once, not even to kiss her.
And despite this lack of interest in the release her body could offer him, he had constantly looked for her company.
On the numerous occasions he had sought her out, it had not been to indulge his senses.
So what was happening?
Katherine shook her head, refusing to accept that whatever the two of them had shared was all over, not before she had spoken to Siaspar. She needed an explanation; she deserved one. They could not part ways like this, not after all they had gone through together.
“I need to go and see him,” she said, making for the door.
“You will have to walk, I’m afraid. He took both horses,” her father said with an inscrutable expression on his face. He could pity her or deplore her lack of grace in accepting Siaspar’s decision. In any case, he did not forbid her to go to him.
Her mother, however, could not hide her dismay.
“Please do not go and humiliate yourself further by running after that man. You will only regret it.”
“I will go to Allerby,” Katherine said simply, knowing she had no other choice. The only thing she would regret was not going after him, and not finding out what had happened.
Walking there would take a while but it would not be the first time she had done it. Only the other day she had come to see her family, joy in her heart. Almost four months ago she had gone with her father to enquire about the position that would change her life.
“Go, Katherine,” her father said softly. “Do what you have to do.”
To her surprise, he placed a kiss on her brow, as if bestowing his blessing. Katherine fought hard not to dissolve into tears.
Before leaving, she went to change out of the delicate velvet gown and borrowed her sister’s clothes and shoes. Loath as she was to waste time, she would be much more comfortable for the long walk that way.
It was only when she arrived in front of the castle gate later that afternoon that Katherine realized that she had no idea what she wanted to tell Siaspar. Would he even agree to listen to her?
This was not her most pressing problem, however.
If she were to speak to him at all she would first have to get past the man guarding the gate, rather a formidable obstacle.
On her way out earlier, she had not paid attention to him and had no idea if he was the same one as before.
It mattered not. Even if it were the same man, he would not recognize her for the splendidly attired lady who had left the castle atop a palfrey in company of his lordship that morning and it was hard to blame him. She looked nothing like she had then.
“What do you want?” The aggressive snarl was not encouraging. It was clear that, just as she’d feared, he had not identified her as a member of the castle.
“I have come to see his lordship. Siaspar ap Morgan I mean, his lordship’s brother-in-law.” Not Lady Malpas’ brother, who likely had no idea she even existed.
“Have you now? Well, Welsh as he is, I don’t think the man will meet with beggars.”
“I’m not a beggar.” Katherine cursed herself for discarding the green gown, as in her sister’s dress she did not look like someone who would ever be granted a meeting with the master of the castle or anyone from his family.
It was several inches too short for her and threadbare in places.
“Please, could you just go and tell him that Katherine Robertson wants to see him?” It suddenly occurred to her that Siaspar did not even know her family name.
Would he wonder who that was? “The blacksmith’s daughter,” she finished, feeling utterly dejected.
Do not humiliate yourself further, her mother had said. Well, here she was, humiliating herself.
“Blacksmith’s daughter, hey?” The man made a face. “If his lordship took his pleasure with you then discarded you, then it is not more than someone like you could expect from someone like him. You should have thought of that before you opened your legs, wench.”
Katherine gasped at the crude words. Was the world determined to take them for what they were not? Siaspar a thoughtless seducer and her a shameless slut?
“Please. If you just—”
“No. I will not leave my post and you will go back the way you came,” the watchman said, his tone final.
Then his voice lowered to a whisper. “Although if you were desperate for a man, you could wait for me behind the oak at the edge of the forest. I will be relieved shortly. Then I could give you what you want.”
“I’m not desperate for a man.” She forced the words through gritted teeth.
Why, oh, why, had she come here? This was hopeless. Katherine lifted her gaze to the top of the nearest tower. Was Siaspar there even now, looking down on her, wondering why she had come back, wishing she had stayed where she belonged?
Her chest felt as if it had been torn from the inside by sharp hooks.
She was desperately in love with this man and even if it would not have made any difference, she would have liked to at least tell him.
Why, she wasn’t sure. But she knew she would spend the rest of her life agonizing about the events of this day.
And just like that, all her strength deserted her. For weeks she had dreaded the moment she had to part ways with Siaspar and now it was finally here. Whatever she had shared with him was over.
After one last look at the tower, Katherine turned her back and started the long trudge back to her parents’ cottage.