33. Chapter 33
Chapter 33
ELLE
T hank you, God, for knowing me. Heal my heart, I pray. I’d prayed this prayer on repeat the last several days. God proved yet again He had my back. St. Helena turned out to be a kayaker’s dream. It had been cathartic to spend so much time on the water. Just me, nature, and God. I’d done a lot of soul searching as I’d paddled.
Upon reflection, I realized that my first mistake was back in Atlanta when I’d run from my troubles instead of facing the life God had before me. From that moment onwards, I’d subconsciously distanced myself from my Creator. Big mistake. In my efforts to craft the trip I thought I should have, I’d lied to Gray. Who knows where I would be now if I’d trusted God with my hopes and dreams?
Gray even said he didn’t care about the car. Brenda’s words also circled around my head this week. I prayed, sang, and read the Word. It was rather ironic when I thought about it. The trip I’d intended to use to run away from my responsibilities would be the trip that would teach me to love and embrace them.
I was thankful for the time I could give to personal growth and my relationship with God, but I still missed Gray. So much so that it sometimes physically hurt. An underlying melancholy followed me everywhere. My sadness taught me something else about myself. I think I loved Gray. His absence left a gaping hole in my heart.
I prayed for him as much as I prayed for myself. Day and night, I prayed for his heart to heal. It would be tragic if my mistake caused him to be even more wary of trusting people. You know that saying It’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all ? I one hundred percent did not agree. How long would my heart feel this broken? I couldn’t do this a second time.
My phone buzzed on my pillow next to me and I answered it.
“Hey Becky. ”
“Hey Elle, just checking on you. How’re you doing?”
“It’s raining, so I’m stuck lying here thinking everything over. And I’m bored out of my mind. But God has been kind to me. How about you?” I asked in return, not wanting to focus on my issues.
“Ah, I hate hearing you like this. My offer still stands. I can go give Gray a good talking to?”
“Please don’t do anything like that. It’s my fault for lying to him. He was harsh, but I understand why.”
“Okay, whatever. What can I do to help?”
“Stay happy and healthy on your side. Then I don’t have to worry about you,” I said, as I wondered if I would ever not feel a motherly protectiveness when it came to Becky.
“You know what would make me happy? Putting that Weston in his place. All I did was try to be kind, and he returned my kindness with his grumpy attitude,” Becky’s voice was edged with frustration, her words sharper than usual.
“Well, I suggest you take that up with God. We will never see those people again,” I said, my heart aching at the thought. Stupid heart.
“Are you kayaking at least?” Becky asked, changing the subject .
“My first three days here were stunning. I was on the water probably six hours a day, but I think my mood has affected the weather. It’s been raining nonstop for two days straight now. I’m getting insane cabin fever in this van. As soon as it lets up, I think I’ll hit the road.”
“Okay, please be careful.”
“Always.”
“I’d better go. Love you, sis. When you get back, you can get another bird tattoo. I’ll even get one with you. You’ll get through this, I promise.”
“Love you too, Becks. Bye.”
I let my arm fall and my phone tumbled out of my hand onto the van floor. I groaned. You got this, Elle. Thank you, God, for knowing me. Heal my heart, I pray.