34. Chapter 34
Chapter 34
GRAY
S tanding outside my parents’ home, the scent of pine and fresh-baked cookies wafted through the air, the classic telltale sign that our family’s annual Christmas in July celebration was just around the corner. Mom was fanatical about turning our family home into a Christmas wonderland even though the sun blazed in the summer sky. With the summer camp having wrapped up a few days ago, I found myself immersed in the heart of the festive chaos, lending a hand with Mom’s extensive preparations.
Too bad each decoration I hung and every cookie I tasted reminded me of Elle. As methodical and logical as I tried to be in my daily life, she proved to be the unsolvable equation, the exception to my well-ordered existence. Preparing tea for Mom took me back to the times I’d done the same for Elle; she liked hers black, no sugar. Or eating Mom’s cherry cheesecake would remind me of our date at Scoops. It was as if every thought, every neuron firing in my brain had somehow been recalibrated to “Elle frequency” and I didn’t know how to think normally again.
While hanging decorations, I’d remember how Elle’s eyes would twinkle, her laughter sweet, as she would interact with the kids at the summer camp. Elle would have loved our silly Christmas in July celebration.
However, nothing was as haunting as the ocean. Each wave crashing onto the shore felt like a whispered promise of her potential return. The reflective lagoons teased my mind, making me believe I might see her silhouette any second. The pain of her absence became so intense that I avoided the beach altogether, a place I’d once found solace in.
I chided myself for being so irrational. I knew she had moved on. But a nagging thought persisted—could she still be in Hilton Head, just not at the hostel? The logical part of me would insist it was better this way, that her departure was a good thing. But the deep-seated hope, that emotion I rarely allowed to surface, yearned for her to poke her head around the corner and ask me if I wanted to join her for a kayak session. Conveniently, all the lies she’d told would vanish from my mind and we could be a couple again. But I knew better.
I was busy putting up Christmas lights on the roof for Mom when the roar of an engine caused me to glance toward the driveway. Dad pulled up to the house. Hopefully, he would just go inside and leave me to my thoughts.
“Hey Dad,” I called, trying my best to sound nonchalant.
“Gray, I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to chat with you. Let me put these groceries inside and I’ll come help you finish out here.”
The weight on my shoulders grew heavier, a sinking feeling took hold. I didn’t know if I could stomach one of his sermons, not now.
Without another word, he went inside the house. He was back so quickly that I almost thought he suspected I’d bolt. The thought had crossed my mind, if only briefly.
He took a string of lights from me and began untangling them, offering a distraction from the inevitable conversation. But then his eyes met mine, a mixture of concern and sternness. “How are you, Gray?”
“Fine,” I answered tersely, my focus on the lights, avoiding his gaze.
His sharp eyes, however, seemed to see right through me, a trait he had perfected over the years. “You’re not fine. I can see you’re hurting. Tell me, have you come to your senses about Elle yet?”
I felt my defensiveness rising. “You know she lied to me, don’t you?”
His eyebrows furrowed. “So?”
Frustration welled up in me. “It’s a big deal, Dad. The trust between us is shattered. She was wrong.”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m not denying her mistake.” He hesitated, searching for the right words. “She’s only human, Gray. Everyone makes mistakes. Brenda mentioned Elle’s been trying to work through some personal things, trying to find her way and trust God more.”
“You don’t get it, Dad. What if she lies again? I can’t take that risk. Our family doesn’t tolerate liars,” I shot back, my voice more bitter than I’d intended.
“Where did you get that? ”
“It’s an unspoken rule with us, Dad. I’ve watched you and Mom deal with all the aftermath of lies over the years. Liars are bad news. Besides, Kayley was proof enough for me.”
His expression softened. “Gray,” he began gently, “If I ever gave you the idea that we shouldn’t show grace to those who lie, I apologize. Saying I don’t tolerate liars would be the same as saying I don’t tolerate sinners. We’re all sinners. It’s my privilege—our privilege—to show grace to sinners because God showed His grace towards us when He sent his Son to die in our place.”
“My situation with Elle is not the same, Dad.”
“It is, Gray. Elle is a sinner; she will make mistakes. But she deserves the same grace God offers me and you. You’re on dangerous ground, Gray. You sin and God forgives you. Why can’t you do the same for Elle?”
“She hurt me.”
“So, I bet you hurt God. The thing about grace is that it’s given when it’s least deserved. You sure didn’t deserve for God to die for you, but He did.”
Dad’s words touched a nerve, but he spoke like it was all just so simple. And it wasn’t. “Well, even if I forgive her, it wouldn’t matter. She’s gone.”
“She hasn’t left the planet. You could find her if you wanted to. Your mother and I like Elle. We liked the effect she had on you. It would be a shame to let that go.”
“It’s not that simple. But thanks for the chat, Dad. I’ll think about all of this,” I said as I dusted off my hands. “That’s all the lights Mom wanted up. I’m going to head home. Say bye to Mom for me.”
“Sure, bud.”
I know Dad meant well, but he was wrong about Elle. That ship had sailed. He was right about the grace stuff, though. I needed to talk this through with God. The minute Dad brought up grace, my conscience started poking holes in my supposed righteous anger.
I spent the next two days pacing around my house and praying about things. This time, I came to the throne of God knowing that I was a sinner and didn’t have all the answers. The distance I felt from God the last time I prayed had vanished. Sorry God. He was always there. It was me who took a step back to wallow in my anger. I guess I also didn’t want to admit that I was wrong .
Well, conviction came crashing down on me as I prayed. I’d overreacted. It wasn’t fair to Elle to put the wrongs of Kayley on her shoulders. I should have shown her more grace. I’d been so hung up on not messing up again that I realized I hadn’t fully accepted God’s grace in my own life, too.
Now that the fog of my anger had cleared, I recalled the few times she tried to tell me something, and I’d convinced her not to worry about it. At the time, I thought she was concerned that I wouldn’t accept her family or something. I was so desperate to reassure her, that I’d dismissed her attempts to be honest. She’d treated me with such patience. Oh man. I remembered the look of hurt in her eyes, and my heart sank. What had I done?
Now that I had no anger to hang on to, I just missed Elle. I wanted to run to her and apologize for everything and beg her forgiveness, but she was gone. Brenda and Jenny were no help. Neither of them had a location to offer me. I tried to call her several times, but it directed me to voicemail. She had every right to ignore my calls. I was a first-class jerk. As a last resort I sent her some texts, but I could see that she didn’t even open the messages as the little ticks never turned to blue.
I checked the status of the ticks for the hundredth time this morning. Still no blue. It was a few weeks before our Christmas in July event and I was chilling at my folks’ place. The weather had been rather miserable for the last few days. With nothing to do and not wanting to be on my own, I opted to stay where the food was good. Dad was reading the newspaper while I scrolled through Netflix. Nothing seemed to grab my attention enough to press play. I checked my phone again.
“I suppose you constantly fiddling with that phone means you came to your senses about Elle?” Dad commented from behind his newspaper.
“How can you even see me through that thing?”
“It’s the beauty of reading the news on paper instead of a piece of technology. It doesn’t absorb all your attention,” he said.
“Yeah, I came to my senses, if you want to call it that. You were right about one thing. I needed to show her grace. But I was right about it being too late. I’ve tried to find her, but no one knows where she is. ”
My dad paused for a moment, the newspaper now folded on his lap. “What about Weston? Isn’t tracking people down part of his job?”
“He owns an insurance company, not a detective agency, Dad. But he did try contacting Becky. He said she just about bit his head off. She was furious that he’d searched her number and refused to give away the location of her sister. At least I know she’s safe,” I said, trying to find something positive in this mess.
“Sorry, Gray. I’ll pray about it for you. As long as you are right with God, that’s all you can do for now.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
Dad shook his newspaper. “These St. Helena floods are out of this world. It says here it’s been raining there for four days. With the additional seasonal high tide, huge sections of the island have been flooded.” Dad whistled in awe as he continued to read.
“Wow! Thank goodness it’s not us,” I said. “Sucks for the locals to have floods right in the middle of the tourist season. Can we send relief at all?”
“It says they have excellent support from inland towns. But I’ll give Bill a call and see what he says. He lives close enough to the lagoons to know what’s going on. I’ll ask if he needs anything. We could do a collection at church. ”
“Good idea.”
My phone rang, and my hope lifted. What if it was Elle? When I checked the screen, I almost groaned. It was Weston.
“Hey bud,” I said, trying not to sound too disappointed. He had been a good friend through all of this. He never once said “I told you so”. And he was willing to talk to Becky, which was saying something. He did not like her.
“Hey Gray, I’ve got some news.”
I sat up straighter. “Yeah?”
“Becky called me. She said she hadn’t heard from Elle in two days and can’t get hold of her. She is worried about her.”
“I’m also getting the silent treatment.”
“Well, because Becky is stressed, she reluctantly told me where Elle is. She thought we could check up on her.”
“Why didn’t you say so earlier? Where is she?” I asked, now sitting on the edge of my seat.
“Dude, Becky believes Elle is on St. Helena Island.”
“As in the place that’s currently being hit by record-breaking floods?”
“Yes,” Weston said, I could hear the concern in his voice.
Oh no. Icy fear spread through my veins.