Chapter 12 #2
I had no doubt the mines would be brought to fruition, and my uncle would be heartily compensated because of it, but it was quite possible House Torleaf would only bleed rulibs from it.
Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t want to think about everything I’d done tonight, but it was impossible not to.
I’d betrayed Kole.
I’d hurt my father.
I’d led Nathaniel on.
I’d truly become the menace my uncle had created me to be.
And worst of all, I didn’t know how to stop it. But I had to try. I had to try and make things right.
I nibbled on my lip. For the past hour, I’d been debating whether I should contact Kole mentally to try to talk about what happened. To try to figure out what this meant for us, but Kole was likely sleeping.
But what if he isn’t?
At the very least, I needed to apologize to him again. And somehow, I had to convince him that I truly did love him and didn’t actually want Nathaniel, even though my actions had spoken otherwise.
I groaned, but I needed to try.
Mind made up, I closed my eyes, unleashed my magic, and focused on the warrior. It only took seconds for my magic to locate him.
He wasn’t far, just across the capital, in the same place he’d been previously, and I had a feeling it was indeed where the Imperial Council headquarters were.
I scratched against his distant consciousness, and I half expected nothing. Asleep, it was near impossible to link with someone else since they had to accept me lest I forced my way into their mind and startled them awake, but instead of nothing but silence from his end, a slight jolt came.
My lips parted, and I pushed more magic into linking us, then said hesitantly, Kole?
A grunt came from his end, and I stiffened. Princess?
I nearly chuffed at his startled response, but just as fast, I realized the word had been slurred. Kole, are you okay?
Another grunt came from him. Are you in my head again?
His words were definitely slurred and disjointed too. Hesitantly, I replied, Yes, it’s me. I just . . . I paused, not sure how to begin, so I lamely added, I wanted to check on you to make sure you’re all right.
A scoff came from his side. Just fine over here, Princess.
My brow furrowed at how strange he sounded. Kole, are you . . . drinking?
What gave it away?
It was then that I became aware of the dull fogginess in his mind, a telltale giveaway of a mind addled with alcohol. So you’re not asleep?
Not yet. My chest tightened, but before I could respond, he added, Would you have fucked him if I hadn’t been there?
Pain shot through me, and the depth of his hurt hit me like a million boulders falling atop me from a mountain.
I’d never seen Kole drunk. Never. Even at the times we’d drunk together when I’d been hunting the Stone, he’d never had much, and he’d never lost control.
Never even been slightly addled. He was always sharp. Always in control. But now . . .
No, I replied quietly. I would never do that to you.
And somehow, deep inside me, despite my new stupid urges and hideous nature, I knew that to be true.
I would sooner die or stab myself in my dead heart than betray him to that extent.
It was bad enough that my body responded to other males and females, and that I imagined such acts, but I would never actually do it.
Never. I would always find a way to stop myself before I did.
But did you want to? he pushed.
I brought a hand to my chest and couldn’t bring myself to respond. I couldn’t lie. Not to him. Not even in this. I was already lying so much by not telling him the truth about me, and he deserved to know that his mate was a monster, even though it shattered me.
Silent tears began to pour down my cheeks.
His breath sucked in, and I could have sworn that he took another swig of whatever he was drinking. Your arousal, and how you were looking at him, it was pretty obvious where your thoughts had turned. So my suspicions were right.
Kole, I . . . I squeezed my hands into fists. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I reacted to him, but please know that I would never act on it. Never.
A low growl came from him. You’re my mate, Prim. My mate. He snarled, the sound so low and harsh that it reverberated through my skull.
I know. And you’re mine.
He took another drink, his mind growing even foggier. I could never watch you be with another or know that you were intimate with someone else. Just the thought— He stopped again, and my guilt tripled.
I’m sorry, I said again, even though it was a meaningless and trite response.
I wish I’d never hurt you. I wish I could explain.
I bit my tongue so as not to continue, but I knew that if Kole and I were going to somehow make our relationship work, he would always be burdened with this.
With me and my damned new nature. With my vile vampiric wants.
Did I hurt you? he asked quietly.
My brow furrowed. Hurt me?
I could have sworn he winced. When I fucked you. Did I hurt you?
No.
Are you sure? I was rough. Mentally, I wasn’t myself.
I know. It’s okay.
No, Prim, it’s not okay. It’s not at all fucking okay what I did to you. He took another drink. I didn’t mean for that to be how our first time went. I’m sorry, Princess. I’m really fucking sorry.
My heart broke all over again at the absolute despair in his words. I know. I am too, but it’s okay. Really, it is.
He took another drink, and silence descended.
The length of it stretched, and I hated myself so much for hurting him.
More tears formed in my eyes, and the pain in me felt as though it was ripping me in two.
Especially because I knew he might eventually find this to be too much.
That he wouldn’t be able to handle my unwanted responses to other fae.
That someday, he might decide to leave me versus watching me respond to others, even though the gods had destined us to be one.
Please don’t give up on me, I whispered. Please, Kole.
A moment of silence passed between us, and then he replied just as quietly, but his words were surprisingly clear. I could never give up on you, Prim.