8. nix
NIX
I’m unsure how to bring us back to solid ground.
Abbi’s not returning my questions like she normally does, and I realize how she carries the bulk of our conversations.
It never used to be this way. I’ve never been as chatty as Abs, but we used to talk.
Back and forth. It was never so one-sided as it is now.
I guess I have to keep showing up. Be persistent. Be patient. Lord knows she’s been patient with me, and it’s time I return the favor.
As I break down the pizza box, I rehash the discussions I had with Harry and Gabe this morning since Harry said it’s important to keep Abbi in the loop. Wiping my hands down the length of my thighs, I suck in a deep breath and turn to face my wife. “I had a meeting with Gabe this morning.”
Her gaze rises to meet mine with cool interest that reaches deep into my bones, freezing me to the marrow. “Don’t you guys meet every morning?”
This version of my wife is foreign to me. She’s harder to navigate, more closed off, and I fear any wrong move will cause more damage between us. I’m pretty sure my stunt in the bathroom set us back, and I’m still kicking my ass over my stupidity and inability to read the situation.
“Well, yeah, we do. But this morning I wanted to discuss making some important structural changes within the business. We’ve shuffled things around so I won’t have to work nights, and I should have most weekends free.
And we’re going to investigate hiring another manager to take some of the scheduling load off my shoulders so I can leave work at work. ”
Her eyebrows rise, and her mouth drops open a little while her beautiful eyes trace over my face as if she’s searching for falsehoods.
I don’t think she expected me to make the changes necessary to allow me to be more present for her.
But she knows I’m a man of my word, even if I haven’t shown her in recent years.
She presses her mouth into a firm line, studying me for a long moment, and I shift beneath her scrutiny.
Of all the people in the world I never want to disappoint, Abbi is always at the top of the list, and to see her obvious distrust in me shatters my soul and destroys my hope that we can work through this. That we can save our marriage. Save us.
I step closer to her, silently begging her to believe me.
“I also met with Harry at The Bunker. He’s going to help me work through my issues.
He’s working with me to make a plan moving forward to help me save our marriage.
I want you to know how serious I am about saving us, Abs.
” I hold my hands out to my sides, palms open toward her, hoping she understands and believes how sincere I am.
Her bottom lip trembles and her eyes grow glossy so quickly that no matter how fast she blinks, the tears breach her lashes and trail down her cheeks.
She swipes at them as if they’re the enemy and turns away from me.
Wrapping her arms across her body, she stares out at our darkened backyard.
“I thought we were going to discuss the plans for the backyard,” she whispers toward the window.
I come up behind her and rest my hands on her shoulders, ready to slide my arm across her collarbones.
Instead of leaning back into my body the way she usually does, she flinches, so I let her go with a grimace.
It reminds me of earlier when she didn’t want me holding her—the way she pushed out of my hold.
Her reactions hammer home a thought I’ve been ignoring since my world imploded—maybe she doesn’t want to fix this.
She said she’d give me a chance to make things right, but maybe she was just appeasing me, and at her core, she’s already done with me. Done with us.
Stepping to her side, I ask one of the toughest questions I’ve ever had to ask.
Every muscle in my body draws tight as if preparing for an attack.
“Abbi?” Her shoulders stiffen, but she doesn’t turn to look at me.
It’s like she doesn’t hear me, doesn’t see me.
“Do you want to save our marriage?” I ask warily.
She’s silent for long moments as tears trail down her cheeks.
Disappointment in and anger at myself flood through my veins like poison, drowning the sliver of hope I had that we could work our way through this brokenness.
Without lifting her tear-filled gaze to mine, she shrugs.
“If I’m being brutally honest, I’m torn. ”
Her words are like a sledgehammer to my fragile heart, but at least that’s not an outright no. I can work with that.
She looks at me, her watery gaze flitting over my face, her heartbreak written into the redness around her eyes and nose. “Nix, I don’t want to hurt you. It’s never been my intention to do that. I-I just need to put myself first for once.”
I reach up and slide her hair behind her ear and wipe her tears with my thumbs. “You should always put yourself first, Abs. And I should have done the same. In my mind, I thought I was.” I shrug.
Abbi presses into my hand, and I doubt she realizes she’s doing it because if she did, she’d pull away like she did before.
“I don’t trust you to follow through on these plans you’ve worked out with Harry and Gabe.
You have this one-track mind, and when it’s stuck on something, that something takes all of your focus.
I know your business is important to you.
It’s been your priority since you left the army and I understood you needed something to turn to after such an awful tragedy, but I would have loved that focus to be on us and our family instead of something outside of it after all the years we lost when you were overseas.
” She swipes at her cheeks and swallows.
“I don’t know if I can hope for something that won’t ever be. ”
The guilt. I feel like I’m drowning in it and I don’t know which way is up to surface for air.
I bend my knees so I’m at Abbi’s level, capturing her teary gaze.
“But don’t you see? You’re my focus now.
That one-track mind of mine will be focused on you and our family, where it always should have been.
” I cup her cheeks, unable to let her suffer alone any longer.
“I fucked up, Abs. I see that now.” I drop my forehead to hers, begging her with my eyes to believe me. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Abbi reaches up and wipes at my cheeks. Tears I didn’t realize were falling, moisten my stubble.
“I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart,” she murmurs, almost against my lips, her words touching me in ways that steal my hope further.
“It hasn’t been easy watching you slip away from me.
From our family. Watching you choose everything else except for us year after year has been devastating.
I’ve tried my best to keep things together, but I’m exhausted from being the only person in this marriage who cares. ”
“I care,” I grumble, my lips brushing hers.
“I care more than I’ve shown you, and that’s on me.
I’m asking you to be patient with me while I work this out.
I need to fix this, Abbi.” I suck in a necessary breath.
“There’s no alternative for me.” I press my lips softly to hers, and my body sighs.
“Can you give me a little time to turn your doubts in me into trust? Let me show you that I mean what I say.”
Her eyes flick between mine. The sliver of hope mixed with a lot of distrust I see in them undoes me, but I can’t blame her.
I haven’t been the man I promised to be.
I let her down in the most fundamental way a husband can let down his wife.
As the seconds pass, my hope dwindles, but she nods slowly.
“Okay,” she murmurs so softly, I’m unsure if she really agreed.
Joy and determination flow through my veins, replacing the poison from earlier.
I lean forward and press a soft kiss to her forehead.
Her eyelids drop closed, and I kiss each one, then make my way down her cheek to capture her lips, half expecting her to pull away, but to my surprise, she doesn’t.
She presses her body into mine, wrapping her arms around my back, her fingers digging into my muscles, and I drag her closer, ensuring not a breath of space remains between us as I wrap my arms around her waist. “I promise your heart’s safe with me, Abs,” I assure her against her lips.
I kiss her lightly, sipping at her lips, savoring her mouth against mine.
How long has it been since I kissed my wife?
How long since I’ve felt her soft lips beneath mine, reminding me I’m home?
I press harder, tasting her breath and hoarding it in my memory.
I can’t believe how close I am to losing her. Losing this. I’ve been a fucking idiot.
Who would willingly throw this away?
Gratitude that my wife’s willing to give me another chance fuels my desire to deepen our kiss.
I slip my tongue along her bottom lip, seeking permission to enter, and after a short while, she sighs, and I take the invitation.
Dipping inside, I taste her after far too long.
She tastes like everything I need for survival.
My past and my future. She moans into my mouth and meets my tongue, tangling together in a dance that’s as familiar as breathing.
Our kisses are second nature, something I lost sight of over the years.