9. abbi #2
The hair on the back of my neck prickles, and my skin feels too tight.
The words simmer in my mind and burn in my throat.
I swallow to hold them back, but it’s no use.
“I asked Nix for a divorce on Thursday morning,” I blurt, then immediately burst into tears.
Not delicate tears suitable for public spaces.
No, total body shaking, ugly sobs. I pride myself on my composure.
Of being able to compartmentalize my life.
I rarely have a problem with feeling one way and showing the world another.
It was a necessary skill I developed growing up.
So, breaking down like this is foreign for me and I don’t understand why I can’t keep it together.
The scrape of metal on old laminate flooring grates through the coffee shop, and a slender arm wraps around my shoulders, tugging me into my sister’s voluptuous chest with surprising strength. I fall into her. Embarrassed I’ve let my emotions get the best of me.
Her hand cups the back of my head, and she whispers, “Shhh” in my ear and, “You’re going to be okay.”
I wish I could believe her. Nothing will be the same if we can’t save our marriage.
I don’t know how to be me without Nix. He’s been part of the fabric of my life for so long.
Our threads are woven together so tightly that teasing them apart will increase their fragility.
Make them unusable. How do I stitch my life back together after Nix?
But I can’t stay with him out of fear for the future either.
I’m not sure how long it takes for my tears to subside and my body to stop shaking, but once I have more control, I pull away from my sister.
She hands me a wad of tissues with a sad smile, and I take them gratefully.
I glance around until I see the sign for the bathroom, then turn back to Callie. “I’m just gonna go clean up.”
She nods. “Take your time. I’ll wait.”
She needs to head off soon, and I don’t want her driving late into the night, so I know she can’t wait forever.
Hurrying to the bathroom, I step inside and wash my face with shaky hands.
The cool water is a shock on my heated skin, and when I look up into the mirror, red, blood-shot eyes peer back at me.
My nose is practically glowing, and my face is puffy and swollen.
There’s no way to hide that I’ve been crying.
I grab a paper towel and blot my cheeks, forehead, and eyes, holding it in place for a few moments while I catch my breath.
I lean forward on the vanity and look dead in the eyes of the woman staring back at me.
“You wanted this. So, pull up your big-girl panties and get on with it. You deserve better than to be ignored. It doesn’t matter that he used to treat you like a princess; he doesn’t anymore.
Accept it. Accept that your relationship has changed and move the hell on or let him do the work and stay. ”
Shoving away from the vanity, I stand tall, pushing my shoulders back.
I fidget with my hair, pulling it around my face a little to hide the redness, then toss the tissues and paper towel in the trash.
A renewed sense of determination to be valued, appreciated, and acknowledged builds, filling up some of the broken, empty spaces.
“I deserve better,” I murmur as I step away from the mirror and toward the door.
Returning to the table and seeing the sadness painting Callie’s face, some of my determination wanes. The breakdown of my marriage doesn’t affect only Nix and me. It affects Prue and Murph. And Callie.
Maybe I’m being too selfish. I’ll hurt so many people if I walk away from Nix. I sit and Callie slides my coffee in front of me. Under my sister’s watchful gaze, I take a sip of the now-cold brew, noting her cup is empty.
I force a close-lipped smile onto my face. “I’m sorry.”
Her body sags, and she reaches across to lay her hand on top of mine.
“You don’t need to be sorry, Abs.” She swallows, looking down at her hand on mine, then looks back up at me.
“I had no idea things were bad between you guys. You both always seem so … united. Together. Unbreakable. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.
” She waves her hand around in the space between us.
“I’ve been so caught up with Dean and the girls, I must have missed all the signs. ”
I shake my head. “No. Don’t do that. You didn’t miss anything because there was nothing to miss.
I-I just kept going along as if everything was okay.
But … it grew to be too much. I’ve been thinking about asking for a divorce for a while.
I even got the papers drawn up, but I never thought I’d actually ask for a divorce.
You know?” She nods as if she understands, but I doubt she does.
I’m struggling to understand it myself. “Then, Thursday morning … I walked into the kitchen and he was there. He’s normally gone before me.
And … and I thought maybe he’d stayed late to spend some time with me, but …
he couldn’t even be bothered to lift his eyes from his phone to say good morning.
” I breathe deeply. “And … something broke inside me. The request for a divorce sort of fell off my lips.” I press my fingers to my mouth as if I can push the words back inside, but it’s too late for that.
“I couldn’t believe it, but I didn’t take them back. I couldn’t.”
“Oh, god, Abs. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you.”
“I’ve been losing myself bit by bit since he retired.
I’d … hoped that when he came home for good, he’d want to spend time with us.
You know? Make up for all the lost years from when he was away.
I thought … finally! I won’t have to be the man and woman of the house.
I figured the load would be shared. But nothing changed.
Except he came home to sleep each night.
But it was like he still wasn’t there.” I push my hair behind my ears and lean in closer.
Callie mirrors me until there’s only a few inches between us.
“We don’t even sleep in the same bed and …
and I can’t remember the last time we had sex,” I confess softly.
Callie screws up her nose as if thinking about me and Nix having sex is too much information for her delicate sensibilities. Don’t worry about all the times I had to listen as she gushed over Dean and his prowess in the bedroom.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
She pulls away, her brows drawn tight, creating deep creases between them. “Like what?”
“Like you just learned your parents have sex.”
She screws up her nose again and bites the inside of her cheek. “Well.” She waves her hand around the space between us. “It is sort of like that. You pretty much raised me.”
A harsh chuckle puffs over my lips. “True.”
My sister’s face softens, and compassion fills the space between us, wrapping around me like a cozy blanket. “What are you going to do?”
I lift and drop one shoulder, my stomach churning. “Nix wants to fix it.”
Her eyes light up, and a smile lifts her cheeks. “That’s great.”
“I guess so. I don’t trust him to put our marriage … to put me first, though. He broke my heart. Piece by piece, he chipped away at it until it was barely beating.” I swipe at the tears on my cheeks. “I don’t think he fully understands the damage he’s caused.”