11. abbi #2
I’m still fearful he’ll revert to his old ways and hurt me again, and even though I’ve told him I’ll give him a second chance, I’ve been holding back.
Protecting my tattered heart. Watching to make sure his actions match his words.
So far, he’s made significant changes. It’s like having my Nix back.
But there’s a part of me that’s waiting for the bubble to burst. He’s been so attentive and available for more than a month now, but how long can it realistically last when he has his business to run?
A squeeze of my fingers drags my attention back to my husband and his light gray eyes full of doubt.
I stretch my lips and nod. “I’ve always wanted to grow old with you, Nix.
You know that.” My words don’t sound convincing, and the way he pulls his head back a little suggests he didn’t miss it.
I expect him to let it go. Ignore it and pretend we’re not still drowning.
He doesn’t.
“What are you most afraid of?” he asks, quietly, not making eye contact with me as if he’s afraid of my answer.
I swallow past my guilt for throwing our marriage into turmoil.
I’ve never been one to rock the boat, always choosing to be the one to keep the waters calm, but my request for a divorce sent us spinning into rough seas without life vests.
Nix is flailing, and even though he’s made swift and significant changes, I still feel like I’m sinking.
As if the hurt is too great to be repaired.
I fear I’ll never fully move past the reasons I asked for a divorce in the first place. That I’ll never fully trust him.
Dropping my eyes to the table between us, I trace the grain of the wooden surface.
“My greatest fear is that nothing will change. That I’ve given in too easily and we’ll go back to the way things were before,” I whisper as the reminder of the heartbreak I’ve felt over the last few years cleaves my chest open.
“I’ll put your fears to rest, Abbi. I promise,” he says. I recognize the determination in his tone. He truly believes that we’ll come out the other side of this storm. I only wish I had the same level of confidence in us, but it’s been eaten away slowly over the years.
He nods sharply, swallows more of his wine, then carries his glass back into the kitchen, pulling the prepared dishes from the warmer. As he grabs a salad from the fridge, he clears his throat. “So, tell me about your day.”
“Remember I told you that Pam is moving in with her dad to take care of him?”
Nix nods. “How are they doing?”
“It’s been a tough adjustment. Pam didn’t realize how much work is involved in her dad’s care.
She figured she’d be able to work remotely, but it’s not working out that way,” I tell him.
“Pam sounded lost when I spoke to her last week. She’s always been so composed, so it was odd to hear the doubt in her voice. ”
“Understandable though. She’s had a huge upheaval and lost her mom. That’s gotta be tough for anyone to handle, no matter how composed they usually are,” Nix adds as he tosses the salad and serves the meat and potatoes.
This conversation feels safer, and I relax a little.
“Absolutely. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
She’s grieving her mom—they both are—and coming to terms with their new reality.
She didn’t realize how far her dad’s disease had progressed and how little he’s able to do for himself.
How much her mom had been doing before her stroke.
Pam feels guilty that she hadn’t gone home more often. Given her mom more support.”
Nix carries our plates to the table, then goes back for the wine. “That guilt won’t help. She’s there now. When he needs her. That has to count for something.” He pours more wine into both of our glasses.
I take another sip and nod in agreement.
“I told her as much when we spoke on the phone.” I shift in my seat as I pick up my knife and fork, cutting into the barbecue on my plate.
I’m unsure how Nix is going to feel about what happened today, and my stomach rolls with nervous energy.
“She had to resign from her position, but Jase offered her a different role within the company that doesn’t rely so heavily on tight turnaround times.
They don’t want to lose her experience, and they also realize she still needs an income. ”
Nix’s dark brows rise. “I have to give credit where it’s due. Your boss looks after his staff.”
“He does. I was so lucky when I got my job.” I draw a deep breath and clear my throat. “HeofferedmePam’sjob,” I blurt quickly. So quickly the words mush together and sound more like one word as they rush past my lips. My shoulders tighten, tension drawing them higher and tighter by the second.
Nix’s expression shutters for a split second.
So fast, I’m not certain I saw what I saw.
He looks disappointed for a millisecond before his expression morphs into a relaxed smile, but there’s still tension tightening his eyes.
I’d recognize it with my eyes closed because I know my husband better than I know myself most days.
“That’s awesome. He must value your work and experience to offer it to you. Are you going to take it?”
“I can’t put into words how it felt to be offered Pam’s position.
” I place my cutlery beside my plate. “The acknowledgment that he considers me capable was good for my soul, especially after the beating it’s taken at home the past few years.
” Nix looks down at his food, guilt plain in his eyes before he steals them away.
I almost feel bad that I didn’t temper my words, but I’ve decided I won’t do it anymore.
I’m tired of protecting those around me at my own expense.
“That he values me so highly as a member of the team gave my confidence a much-needed boost. It will mean more responsibility at work, along with higher expectations and longer hours.”
Nix reaches across to cover my hand with his, linking our fingers together the way we always used to.
I remember feeling like nothing could break us apart when he held me like this.
It’s such a simple and innocent gesture, but it’s always given me something solid to hold on to …
until it was no longer there and I was left untethered.
“I’m sorry, Abbi. I’ll apologize every day for the rest of my life for hurting you so deeply. ”
I smile sadly at my husband. “Please don’t do that.
” He lifts my hand to his lips and presses a firm kiss to the palm of my hand.
“I don’t want apologies every day, Nix. I don’t think it’ll be helpful for either of us.
Somehow we need to heal and move forward.
Maybe have some painful conversations, but apologies every day …
”—I shake my head—“I don’t think that’ll help. ”
“I’ll do the work, Abbi. I’ve told you that already, and I mean it. I saw Harry last week, and I’ll keep seeing him to work through my shit so I can be a better husband.” Nix’s eyes beg me to believe him, and the determination in his voice settles across my skin like a soothing balm.
“It’s not all your fault.” I look down at my meal that’s quickly growing cold.
“I should have spoken up sooner. Told you what I needed instead of expecting you to just … know.” I look back up at my husband, pain oozing into the crevices of my heart.
“You’re not a mind reader, and I’m an adult, not a child who can’t express their needs.
Instead of keeping my wants and needs hidden to maintain the status quo, I should have asked for what I needed in plain language rather than hoping you’d notice.
You’ve been busy building your business and coming to terms with huge life changes of your own.
As if you had the bandwidth to notice I was struggling.
” A disheartened laugh puffs over my lips.
Nix tugs me from my seat, guiding me to his lap.
It’s an intimate position for a tough conversation.
We haven’t discussed our issues in depth except for Nix telling me he’s made changes so we can work on our marriage.
I’d grown accustomed to Nix’s silence and mastered keeping my feelings trapped inside, neither of which makes it easy to suddenly open up my wounds and share old hurts.
I’m used to keeping them buried deep.
A survival tool I mastered as a young girl growing up with parents more focused on giving all of their attention to their careers instead of their daughters.
Our problems started when Nix gave me all of his attention from the outset of our relationship.
I soaked up his attention like a rain garden soaks up the rain.
I was the center of his world for such a long time and slowly grew accustomed to the foreign sensation.
It was a feeling I won’t soon forget. For the first time, I felt important to someone.
Like his day started and ended with me. And once the kids came along, his focus extended to the three of us whenever he was home from a deployment.
I grew accustomed to the feeling of belonging and importance he instilled in me.
I relied on it, and my self-worth was rebuilt on that foundation.
Then, when he came home for good, his focus was directed elsewhere, and I reverted to the young girl I used to be, relying on old habits to keep the peace. Making myself small and inconsequential. Blending into the shadows and doing what needed to be done.
Nix was hurting after the loss of Wyatt. He needed time to heal. Time to come to terms with his new reality. I knew that. I understood it.