11. abbi #3
I hate that I’m being a selfish, needy brat who throws a tantrum when I’m not the center of the universe.
And I don’t need to be the sole focus of Nix’s life.
Really, I don’t. On a basic level, I understand he’s running a business that he wants to expand, which means he needs to invest time to make it happen.
I just need to feel like I’m important to him too.
That I’m an important part of his life. That he needs me on an intimate level, not just as a housekeeper or housemate.
It’s not even the lack of kissing or sex, though it would be nice to bring it back into our relationship; it’s the lack of time and effort, meaningful conversation, and perhaps a date or two now and then.
It’s about laughing together and making new memories instead of always going back to the old ones.
It’s about learning who we are at this stage of our lives. Who we are as a couple now.
I know I’m equally at fault for the breakdown of our marriage, but it’s easier to put all the blame on him and hide from my flaws, but that isn’t fair. I can’t let him take all the blame.
He uses his finger to tilt my face up to his. The torment I see there steals my breath and makes the ache in my heart expand, taking up too much space and creating an uneven rhythm.
“I should have noticed, Abbi. There’s no excuse for it.
I know you well enough to recognize when you’re hurting.
” His eyes bore into mine, begging me to forgive him.
“But I was too busy burying myself in work to build a business to notice. I took you for granted. I figured you’d always be here, and that we were working toward a common goal.
I didn’t give it a second thought that maybe you had different priorities from me. ”
Huh? There was no we working toward a common goal.
I held down the fort here while he was off doing his thing.
Maybe if he’d included me, maybe invited me to be part of his new business, I wouldn’t feel so shut out of that part of his life.
We’d have common ground. But Nix has a habit of keeping parts of his life separate to the point that I feel unwelcome to cross the invisible line he draws.
The sadness in his eyes matches mine. “On some level, I knew we weren’t the same as we were before, but I figured our love for each other could get us through what I thought was just a rough patch.
I was unaware of how much you were hurting, so your request for a divorce came out of left field for me.
” I try to tip my head down, unable to maintain eye contact and be exposed to Nix’s self-loathing slamming into me, but he’s not having it, holding me in place.
“I’m glad you spoke up, Abbi. I’m proud of you for putting yourself first for a change.
And I’m so fucking sorry that my behavior drove you to that point. ”
I’m flayed open by his honesty, and the rawness is almost too much to bear.
With Nix taking full responsibility for his actions, I’m left with nowhere to direct my anger.
Instead, it coils deep in my stomach and vibrates in my blood.
I turn it inward and admonish myself for allowing someone to make me feel small and unimportant.
Again. Anger burns through my body like acid at having given someone too much power over me, my self-worth, and my happiness.
Have I really learned nothing from my youth?
He may have turned his focus elsewhere, but I’m the one who let it happen and continue for far too long.
I allowed myself to return to the young girl I once was.
It was easy to slip back into old habits—like putting on an old pair of jeans that fit just right—that offered a level of comfort I needed to get through the lonely days and nights.
I didn’t even notice it was happening at first.
I press my lips into a tight line and swipe at the wetness on my cheeks.
I’m so sick of crying. My body aches with the tightness coiled in my muscles and the anger I’m feeling toward myself.
Nix wraps his arms around me and holds me against his broad chest. When he kisses my temple, the dam breaks and a sob bursts free.
Shudders rack my body, and tears stream down my cheeks.
He tightens his hold without a word, kissing my temple while I fall apart.
Years of hurt pouring out of me, purging my heart and soul.
I doubt he realizes the tears are a result of the anger and frustration I feel toward myself.
He squeezes my hip and kisses my temple as my tears subside. “If you want to take the promotion, we can make it work. It’s time you put your wants and needs first. If this promotion is what you want, then you should take it.”
His sudden return to the promotion offer makes me a little dizzy, and it takes me a moment to get my brain back into that space. I shake my head. “I already turned it down. I don’t want to work more. I would actually prefer to start reducing the amount of time I work.”
Nix’s brows shoot up. “What would you do?”
This is the uncomfortable part. “I don’t know.
I haven’t really thought about it.” As much as I love my job, I want more time for myself.
I latch my gaze to Nix’s. “I think I’d just like to slow down.
Maybe crochet a little more, so I have more blankets to offer the people I meet at my volunteer work.
” I drop my eyes away. “Sounds silly, really.” I shrug.
“Doesn’t sound silly. You’ve been working and juggling the kids and looking after everything around here for so long. You deserve to take some time to do something that soothes your soul.” He licks his lips. “Extra time at home would give you—what do they say?—time to fill your cup.”
He grins at me and my lips mirror his, but I still have my concerns. “It would mean less income.”
“We can manage,” he states confidently. “The business is growing, and I have plans to expand it further.”
I shake my head. That’s all we need. Nix spending even more time at work. “I don’t want to put more pressure on you.” He’s trying so hard to find a balance. For me. For us. I don’t want to ruin any progress we’re making.
“I’m taking my time with the expansion. I’m planning each step thoroughly because I don’t want to put more pressure on myself or my team.
You don’t need to worry.” His arm tightens around me, pressing me tighter against him.
His heart beats against the side of my body, his breath shifting strands of my hair.
This is the closeness I crave. Having meaningful and important discussions.
Making decisions together. Feeling connected.
“Let’s see how things go for you, then I can think about reducing my work hours.” I’m happy enough where I’m at for now.
His breath touches my temple moments before his lips do. “Sounds like a plan.”
Lightness fills my chest. I can’t remember the last time we had a discussion regarding our future. Making a plan together. It feels like a step in the right direction.
Callie
How’s my big sis?
How do I answer that? I have so many feelings running rampant right now.
Abbi
Good
How about you?
Callie
Be honest
And stop deflecting, you know what I’m asking
Abbi
I don't know where to start
So many emotions
I feel like I’m on a roller coaster
Callie
We can FaceTime if you like
She’s so sweet. I’m sure she has enough on her plate without worrying about me and my broken marriage. I never should have told her what was happening.
Abbi
Maybe another time
I’m beat and just need some time to process everything
Nix is really trying to make this work
Callie
I’m glad he’s trying, but don’t give in too easily
I smile. I love that she has my back.
Abbi
I won’t
Give your gorgeous girls a big hug from me
Callie
I will and right back at ya