14. abbi #3
Tilting his head to the side, he raises a single eyebrow in that sexy way he does when he doesn’t believe me.
“Don’t lie to me. I don’t blame you for being mad at me the way I rushed out of here today and then …
Rose. I know you were going to do that part.
” He squeezes my hand, uncertainty clouding his features.
“I’m sorry, Abs. I’m struggling to navigate the situation we’re in.
I’ve never felt so unsure and unsteady.”
Tears prick the backs of my eyes at the lost look in my husband’s.
My withdrawal and silence aren’t helping our situation.
Nothing will improve if I’m not open and honest. I draw a deep breath, filling my lungs with Nix’s familiar scent and somehow find the strength to say what I need to.
I measure my words carefully because I don’t want to cause him hurt, but it’s important to share how today made me feel for us to heal.
He studies me closely, tension in his jaw and across his shoulders.
“At first, I was angry that you left our planned afternoon to discuss Prue and Luke’s wedding.
I assumed it was some emergency with work, but when you told me about Shane, I understood why you needed to go.
But that’s when the hurt settled deep.” His eyebrows dip low, and he opens his mouth, but I press my finger to his lips and shake my head.
“Please let me explain.” He nods for me to continue, tension radiating off him.
“I wanted to be with you. I could see how upset you were, and all I wanted to do was support you. Be there so you had someone to lean on. I always feel so …” I search for the word I need but can’t find it.
“Blocked off from that part of your life. You always keep your work so separate from me and the kids. And you never lean on me.”
“Because you do enough for me. Isn’t that what you said?
You do everything around here?” He taps the table hard with his finger.
“I know you do more than your share around the house and with our family. You always have, and I’ve always known you’re more capable at that stuff than me.
I figured the least I can do is deal with my own shit. ”
“But don’t you see, when you shut me out, when you don’t let me support you, it makes me feel like I don’t matter.
That you don’t value me enough to be there for you when you need it.
Like you don’t trust that I can help you.
That you have to do it all alone because you don’t think I’m strong enough, or something.
It makes me feel insignificant and like you don’t have any faith in me as your partner.
” I whisper the last part. “When you deal with things on your own … things we could and should deal with together … it diminishes our bond and adds to the wedge that’s built between us. ”
He huffs out a long, heavy breath and leans back in his chair, his eyes assessing me like I’m a puzzle to be solved.
It takes an incredible amount of focus on my part not to squirm under the intensity of his steely gaze.
“How do we get rid of this wedge, Abs?” he asks. His voice bordering on despair.
I shrug and drop my eyes to the table. “I don’t know.”
We sit in silence. My mind blanks on what we can do. How to move forward.
But I realized something important today, and I should tell my husband.
Watching Nix, I draw in a deep, tired breath; my shoulders rising and falling in dramatic fashion.
“I realized something important today.” His eyes snap up to mine, and my breath stalls at the wariness in them.
“I realized that I don’t want our marriage to end.
I want it to work.” I look out of the darkened window to our back porch.
“I want to sit on those rocking chairs Theo’s making for us when we’re old and gray.
I want to watch our grandchildren enjoy this gorgeous backyard we’re building.
I want to enjoy sunsets and sunrises with you.
And I want to love you until my last breath. ”
Nix’s shoulders drop, and I watch the tension melt from his body. He pushes to his feet and drags me up with him, engulfing me in his embrace and holding me tight. “Abbi,” he whispers harshly against my cheek.
I wrap my arms around him, holding onto his shoulder blades as if I’ll never let him go.
His body shakes against mine, and the realization that he’s crying breaks my heart.
Cracks it right down the middle. He squeezes me tighter, and I relish the pressure and the closeness.
It releases a knot that’s been tightening within me since I asked for a divorce.
My eyes burn, and I do nothing to stop my tears.
Together in our quiet kitchen, we hold each other and make silent promises that we’ll be okay.
Abbi
Today’s been tough
But I realized that I want our marriage to work
Which means I need to put the work in, too
I put my phone on the counter and go about my nightly routine as I wait for my sister to respond. My phone lights up as I spit out the last of my toothpaste.
Callie
You sound like you could do with a hug
Want me to come over?
I smile at the message. It’s late, and she’s offering to drive two hours to see me. I don’t deserve her.
Abbi
Don’t you dare come here
It’s late
And I’m okay
I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders
Callie
I’m glad you guys are working through things
I’d really like your marriage to work
You guys are like my gold standard
I suck in a sharp breath. I don’t want to be anyone’s gold standard. It’s bad enough that Prue thinks our marriage is unshakable.
Abbi
No marriage is perfect all the time
Especially not ours
Not anymore
Callie
Yeah, but you guys still love each other enough to work through your problems
So many people just give up when things get a little hard
Abbi
You remember I gave up and asked for a divorce
Callie
Well, yeah
But you guys haven’t divorced
And you’re both trying to fix it
I’m proud of you guys
Warmth flows through my body at her acknowledgment. I need to do the same. Acknowledge the work Nix is putting in, as well as the effort I’m making to ask for what I need instead of keeping everything trapped inside.
Abbi
Thanks
How is everyone in your house doing?
Callie
I think the girls are having a growth spurt because they’re constantly hungry and they’re not sleeping very well
Dean has been on annual leave, which means I’ve been able to nap
Yay!
Abbi
Oh gosh!
I remember those times
They were exhausting
I can’t imagine how you do it with two going through things at around the same time; at least I had time in between things like that
I’d better let you get some sleep while you can
Thanks for the chat
Sweet dreams xx
Callie
Anytime
Love you
Abbi
Love you too