session three
I tap my fingers on the arm of the chair I consider mine at this point and adjust my position.
“I just don’t know what she wants from me anymore.
” Frustration curls around every word. “I thought I was doing the right thing by shielding her from my work stuff and my bullshit, but she thinks I don’t trust her as a partner.
” I sigh, shaking my head as I watch the leaves on the trees move with the wind through the window.
I wave my hand around my head. “Not sure why she’d want a front-row seat to the crap in my head. ”
Harry folds his hands across his stomach.
“It’s part of intimacy within a relationship, Nix.
Sharing your inner thoughts and feelings …
your hurts, worries, and torments with the one person who has promised to always have your back is part of the relationship you signed up for when you married Abbi.
” I feel his gaze burning into the side of my face.
“When you shield her from those things, you inadvertently build a wall between you. I can see how she must feel a lack of trust on your part.”
I climb to my feet, unable to sit still with the frustration and confusion pumping through my system.
“But I do trust her. More than I’ve ever trusted anyone else.
” I wave my hands around on either side of my head again.
“I don’t even want to be inside my head, so why would I want to burden Abbi with the stuff in there? ”
“Because she wants you to.”
I freeze in place, my feet like lead. His words are so simple, yet they hit me as if I’ve been pistol-whipped. My body deflates, and I drop my head, my eyes locking on the timber floor beneath my boots. “You make it sound so simple.”
“Because it is.”
I snap my head around to him, disbelief clouding my vision.
He looks at me boldly, as if waiting for me to argue.
“If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to give Abbi what she wants.” He raises his hands and drops them on the arms of his chair with a thud, then pushes to his feet.
“And she wants inside your head. No matter how dark or messy it may be in there.” He comes to a stop beside me, tucking his hands into his pockets.
“I suspect some of your issues may be a result of your failure to address your trauma. Maybe you don’t trust yourself in the deepest corners of your mind, but you need to trust your wife.
As difficult as it may be for you, you need to give that to her.
You need to let her support you.” He pats my shoulder.
“You never know; it may actually help. Of course, I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to work through that trauma.
You can practice with me before opening up to your wife.
These things often get easier the more you do them. ”
“Not my strong suit,” I grumble.
Harry chuckles. “You’re not alone, Nix. Many men find it difficult to share their burdens.
Especially men like you, who have held positions of leadership.
You’re expected to deal with issues and find solutions without fuss.
Push on and push through no matter how difficult or traumatic the situation.
Don’t show any weakness. Your men look to you for guidance, and any sign that you’re unsure or struggling in a situation, especially one of life or death, can mean a loss of trust in your ability to lead them.
It means you don’t have time to deal with the trauma because there’s always another problem to solve or issue to deal with. ”
His words resonate so deeply with me. I almost feel stupid for not realizing it myself.
“The thing is, Nix, if you don’t deal with this unresolved trauma—talk with someone about it, whether that person is me or Abbi—it’ll build up to the point where it will cause more damage to you and those you love.
Irreparable damage. Damage that can’t be undone.
I don’t want to see that happen to you.”
I swallow the boulder-sized lump in my throat caused by the emotion etched deep into Harry’s features. His concern for me is evident in the extensive furrows across his forehead and the sadness in his eyes. I look up at the clouds moving quickly across the sky. “I have no idea where to even begin.”
“Start by sharing something small with Abbi. People underestimate the power of small steps, small gestures, small measures of forward momentum. If you think about the big picture, the final goal, the big gesture, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and do nothing.
That isn’t helpful. You need to build a bridge between you and Abbi, and if you think about the construction of an actual bridge, the workers don’t build the entire structure in one day or even one week.
They make steady, incremental progress over a long period.
So, I want you to think about something small you can share with your wife to begin building a bridge between you.
Something that will give her an insight into who you are as a man …
now. Because, let’s face it, neither of you are the same people you were when you met as teens. ”
My mind races with something I can share that won’t be too dark for Abbi. “I don’t want to traumatize her.”
He draws a deep breath, his shoulders rising and falling.
“Sometimes not knowing what someone’s experienced is more traumatic, because our minds are very creative at spinning the very worst possible scenarios …
which, more often than not, can be worse than the actual event that took place.
” He sighs and moves back to his chair, and I follow him to mine.
“Can you think of something you can share? I don’t expect you to go straight into talking to her about the explosion, but I’d like you to build up to sharing that event with her.
She has the right to know about the things that have shaped you into the man you are today.
The man she’s married to.” He’s quiet for a long moment, then he leans forward.
“A good place to start might be why it’s so important to you to ensure your family is financially stable.
It will help her to see why you work so hard to build your business. ”
Possibilities unfold in my mind like a movie reel, one after another, but the idea of laying myself bare to my wife causes a sharp pain behind my ribs.
“I’ve always wanted her to see me as strong, capable …
confident. If she really knew how many times a day I question myself and my ability to provide for her and our family, my lack of self-belief, would she still want to be with me? Nobody likes a weak man.”
“On the contrary, it’s not weak to share what makes you tick … the things that shaped you. Good or bad.”
“She knows we lost my dad when I was eleven and that it left us in a financial hole that my mom had to work two jobs to dig us out of. I’m not sure what else I’d need to share about that time. I would assume she understands why financial security is important to me. To us.”
He crosses one leg over the other, turning his body more toward mine.
“Abbi may know the surface stuff surrounding that time, but she may not realize how deeply that time affected your psyche and shaped your core values. I’m sure she sees what a hardworking man you are and that your work ethic is strong, but without the history outlining the emotional impact that time had on you, she only has half of the story.
” He leans forward. “To create real intimacy with Abbi—which is what she’s asking of you—you must share your story on a deeper level.
Dig into your emotions, hurts, and trauma.
The way the explosion set you on this path to double down on ensuring you secure a strong financial future.
” He raises his eyebrows. “It may be the only way to save your marriage.”