session four #2
Harry leans forward in his chair as I work to catch my breath.
“Our need to present a composed front to the people around us can often be our biggest downfall. Pushing down your dark thoughts only gives them more of a hold over you.” He leans back into his chair and rests his ankle on his opposite knee.
“I’m going to quote Martin Luther King Jr. here.
‘Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.’.
” He offers me a warm smile. “So you see, pushing your darkness down further into the darkness is the opposite of what you need to do. You need to bring it into the light. And growing angry with yourself isn’t helping either.
You need to give yourself compassion and grace.
” He sips his coffee. “I can only assume your self-talk is rather hateful.” He waves his finger around his head, raising his eyebrows at me as if waiting for an answer.
“I’m certainly not cheering myself on, if that’s what you’re asking.” I huff. “I don’t know how to bring it into the light without having to relive that day over and over.” I shake my head, hoping to dislodge the image this discussion brings forth.
Harry smiles at me indulgently. “If you don’t think you’re already living that day on repeat, you’re delusional, Nix.
” He pauses as his direct hit punches my solar plexus.
This guy doesn’t mince his words. “The more you talk about the event and how it made you feel, the more you bring it into the light and minimize its hold over you. The more control you actually have. The less it will invade your sleeping moments.” He sighs.
“Your mind has to deal with the trauma somehow, and because you refuse to do it in your waking hours, it hijacks your sleep.”
I guess that kind of makes sense, but I don’t want to keep rehashing the same shit over and over. It feels pointless. Defeat makes my shoulders curl with a heavy burden I’m sick and tired of carrying.
“You know, I proudly signed up to serve and protect our country. I knew it wouldn’t be a fun time, but I didn’t expect it to impact me for the rest of my damn life.
I’ve earned my peace.” I drop my head into my hands, defeated.
“I just want to live my life, love my wife, and enjoy some peace. Is that too much to ask?”
“Of course it’s not. You’ve earned it. You deserve it. So, let’s work on bringing you peace so you can enjoy your time with your wife.”
“Maybe it would be best if I let Abbi go. I’m only going to keep hurting her.
” The words taste like poison on my tongue, but the thoughts have started to take root.
As much as I want to fight for my marriage, I don’t want to cause Abbi more pain at my hand.
“She’s the last person I ever want to cause pain. ”
Harry sighs, tapping his fingers on the arm of his chair. “Is that really what you want to do?”
I burst up from my chair and pace, agitation making every step sharp. “Fuck no! I love her more than anything. If it weren’t for her and the kids, I’d have no purpose. They light up my days, and once upon a time, Abbi lit up my nights too.”
“Okay. Let’s start by talking about that day.”
My stomach rolls and sinks simultaneously, swooping down like I’m on a rollercoaster, but I start at the beginning and share everything I remember about that day in as much detail as I can.
The images roll through my mind as if I’m watching actors in a movie, but the way my heart races and sweat beads across my forehead and down my back, I know I’m not watching actors playing a role.
This is a lived experience that has deeply scarred my psyche.
Given me invisible wounds from which I’ll never recover.
I collapse back into my chair as if I’ve run a marathon, my chest rising and falling with labored breaths.
Harry sighs wearily. “I’m so sorry, Nix.
Nobody should ever have to experience such horror, such tragedy.
And unfortunately, our government doesn’t look after our returned servicemen and women as they should.
This burden you carry is heavy, and I can understand why that is because I know the kind of man you are at your core.
” He leans forward. “Let’s talk about what you would have done after the attack if you weren’t rendered unconscious and whisked off to the hospital. ”
I tilt my head to the side, trying to make sense of what he’s asking me to do. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you said you never got the chance to punish the people behind the attack that ended Wyatt’s life. How would you have punished the perpetrators of such a heinous act?” he asks, measuring each word.
I sit up straight, steel in my spine as the numerous scenarios I’ve imagined play in my head.
“I would have gathered the rest of my squad and hunted them down. We would have kept hunting them until we found them. Then I would have my men locate a secure facility so I could torture them. I would have inflicted pain so severe that they would have begged me to end their miserable lives. I would have kept going until the last man involved in the attack lay dead at my feet.”
Harry nods sagely, shifting in his chair before rising to his feet and making his way over to the window. “And would that have changed the outcome for Wyatt, for Shane, you, or the boy?” he asks with his back to me. His tone doesn’t hold any judgement, but I feel judged just the same.
Discomfort creeps across my skin like a shadow. “I guess not,” I grunt.
“But taking action would have made you feel better? Would killing the people involved have given you back the control you felt you lost in the attack?” he asks as he turns to face me, his expression one of interest. As if my answer could make or break this entire conversation.