session four #3
When I think about what he’s asking. Consider the depth of his questions and dig deep to assess if taking matters into my own hands would have made life after the explosion better, I come up short.
Shaking my head, I try to formulate a response that makes sense, but everything feels jumbled in my head.
My thoughts are turned inside out and upside down.
On the one hand, I would have felt satisfaction at knowing those men couldn’t hurt anyone else, but my rational brain knows that there is always evil in the world.
More men ready to take up the fight, no matter the cost. On the other hand, I know that killing the men involved wouldn’t have brought Wyatt back to us or spared Shane the pain and scars he’s had to endure.
I look up at Harry. “I don’t know.”
He walks to the front of his desk and leans back against it, his hands gripping the edge. “I think you do.”
I huff a breath and squeeze the back of my neck. “I know it wouldn’t have changed the outcome, okay?” I snap. “Wyatt was already gone, and Shane’s injuries couldn’t be undone.”
He nods. “True. It doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow, though.” He pushes away from his desk and sits in his chair. “Now consider the repercussions of your actions if you were able to track those men down and murder them in retaliation.” He raises a bushy eyebrow at me.
“Jesus, don’t hold any punches.”
He grins at me. “That’s what I’m here for. Kid gloves never helped anyone.”
I think back over my time with the Army Rangers. I was—and still am—a stickler for following the rules. I mean, there are procedures and protocols … rules in place for a reason. “Realistically, I wouldn’t have gone rogue.”
Harry nods slowly. “I know that, but I want you to think about the repercussions, regardless. Let’s put things into perspective for your psyche. Maybe it’ll help rewrite the story in your night terrors.”
“If I had been caught, I would have been tried for war crimes. The kills would have been unsanctioned, and I would have gone before the court. I probably would have ended up serving a prison sentence and not been able to return to my family.” My stomach free-falls at the thought of being held separate from my family.
In a way, abandoning Abbi and the kids under the most shameful of circumstances.
While she’s proud of me for serving our country, there would be no reason for her to feel proud if I’d done the wrong thing and broken the law.
“Mentally, I don’t think I would have been able to live with myself knowing I’d murdered men.
No matter how justified it felt at the time. ”
“And how would that have helped anybody, Nix?” Harry asks softly.
“It wouldn’t have.” My body sags into the chair as if my muscles are too exhausted to hold me upright. I look up at Harry and shrug. “Nothing would have changed, except my life would have ended up in the shitter. I would have let my family down in the worst, most shameful way possible.”
“I also want to point out that by not going rogue, you have been available to help Wyatt’s widow and son, as well as support Shane.
You’ve built a successful business that’s helped numerous people, and you give your time to the community here to support other returned soldiers.
Just last night, you helped those people trapped in the corner store with that gunman.
” He studies me intently. “None of that would have been possible, Nix. It’s tragic that Wyatt lost his life.
Tragic that a young boy was sacrificed for a heinous crime.
Tragic that Shane has suffered the way he has.
But there has been a lot of good that’s come from your unencumbered return.
” He taps the arm of his chair. “You need to remember that. Focus on the good that’s come from your return. ”
I sit with his words. Ruminating over them.
Twisting them and looking at them from all angles.
He’s right. Looking deep inside myself, I still feel anger burning, and I’m sure I always will, but there’s also a quiet acceptance starting to take up space.
I don’t know how to assimilate this new feeling, and I look to Harry.
“It will take time to get used to a new way of thinking about the past, Nix. Changes can’t be made overnight, and it takes conscious thought to push these new ideas through to your subconscious …
to rewire your brain. But I believe we’ve made positive strides today.
” He picks up his coffee and takes a sip, scrunching up his nose.
“Damn thing’s gone cold.” He places it back on the coffee table and turns his attention to me.
“Give yourself a few days. Monitor your sleep. But I’d like you to try sleeping beside your wife. ”
My heart races and my stomach free-falls at the thought of sleeping beside Abbi and hurting her in my sleep. “I don’t know if I can. The fear is too great, and I’m not willing to risk it.” I shake my head and climb to my feet. “I can’t risk Abbi’s life.”
Harry folds his hands over his stomach. “I don’t believe Abbi’s life is at risk.
But take some time to adjust your thoughts and feelings around this issue.
” Even though we’re at the same level, he looks down his nose at me.
“Don’t take too long. You’ve already lost so much time.
You can do this. I have every faith in you.
And remember, I’m here if you need to vent or work through something.
Let’s check back in next Sunday to see how you’re feeling and if things have progressed. ”
His faith in me doesn’t make me feel any better about what he’s asking of me, but I’ve taken up enough of his time today so I thank him and leave with the promise to try.