Chapter 31 #2
In the front entrance of the shop, right next to the massive portrait of the store’s namesake, sat a new piece of Levi’s that I’d never seen before.
“Wow,” I said, blown away.
I slowly walked around the art that sat on a pedestal as high as my shoulders.
His talent for carving had grown since he’d started selling his stuff, but his art also seemed to be shifting to the more abstract.
This sculpture had glimpses of the pristine, the Romanesque face of something Michelangelo might have modeled, which was then organically swallowed up by the raw texture and natural shape of the original tree.
The face held both the easy smile of a dimpled cheek and a deep sadness, the longer I studied it.
Perfect squares were cut out where the body might be, causing a disorientating contradiction.
It was probably a hundred other impressive things that my non-artistic ass couldn’t even fathom.
“I didn’t even know you were working on anything,” I said.
My head tilted as I took in a sense of familiarity. Like a movie I’d seen as a young child, and only remembered it was still part of the person who formed.
“I’ve been inspired.”
“It’s really incredible.” My throat was tight, though I couldn’t say why. “Wait.” I looked more closely and noted that the dark lines rising up the sides were scorched. “Is that the piece I helped you move?”
“That’s it,” he said.
“Wow. I thought you were going to cut off the burns so only the good stuff was left.”
“Nah. I’ve found the imperfections are what give it the most character. They are what make art the most interesting and expressive. Humans often connect over our scars and wrinkles, don’t you think?”
I shook my head. “You never cease to amaze me.”
“It’s you, Pace,” he said, shy as ever when he shared the deeper themes of his work.
My jaw clenched, trying to hold back a wave of emotion as I leaned closer.
“I can’t explain it well. But it’s what you mean to me. To this town,” he added, a flush at his neck.
I looked again and saw that the missing pieces of wood were parts being shared as other, different woods were coming in.
It wasn’t about loss. It was about exchange.
I certainly wouldn’t ever be able to look at him again. A rising panic in my throat made speech impossible. I didn’t deserve this.
“You made me listen when I didn’t want to hear it,” Levi said gently.
His gaze flicked to my boots, where I had been unknowingly backing away.
“And I’m doing the same for you. This isn’t just about Sophie, though I think that she really might be your person, and you are at serious risk of losing her.
This is about you realizing that you are a good man. ”
What was so broken in me that the reassurance poured over me like a soothing balm for my scarred soul?
My head shook before he could even finish speaking. “I’m not enough. I’ve never been enough.”
“That simply isn’t true.” Levi grew angry.
“It is. Kaylee left, and you left—” He started to talk, but I cut him off, avoiding his gaze. “I get it, man, you and your mom were so close. I understand. But if I had done more, or been able to help more, then . . .”
“Then what?” Levi questioned, sharp enough that I was forced to look at him. This whole conversation was so deeply uncomfortable that I just wanted it to end. But Levi wasn’t letting that happen. He shook his head, confused, and went on. “Then I wouldn’t have grieved? I wouldn’t have been sad?”
“It sounds stupid when you say it like that, but yeah, I guess. I don’t know.
I should have been able to get you out of that damn house sooner.
You wouldn’t have dropped off the map and stayed locked up alone in that cabin for so long.
You wouldn’t have hurt so bad.” I was horrified to feel tears in my eyes.
I’d gone up to his cabin so many times, terrified for what I’d find. That fear flooded me now. I should have done more for him.
“You did help me, Pace. This is what I’m saying.
This is what this means.” He gestured to the art he’d been working on for months.
“You checked in regularly when nobody else did. You made me list that rental. You brought Claire into my life.” His throat worked a hard swallow.
“But I was always going to be sad. You have to know that. I needed time to just be in the grief. You can’t avoid the bad things.
That’s part of living. But you helped pull me back.
And then when I almost lost Claire, you got me back from the edge of a turning point I wouldn’t have been able to come back from on my own. ”
Emotion burned my nose. I had to blink rapidly, jaw clenched.
“And I’m sorry. You never really let me apologize,” he said.
“For what?” I asked.
“For how I was after Mom died. How I completely shut down.”
My head was shaking back and forth as I rubbed my thumb between my pinched brow. “You don’t need to apologize to me for that. She was your mom. And more than that, you two were all you had.”
“No. I had you too. We both did.”
Inexplicably, I felt like I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t even speak.
I nodded once to confirm.
“You grew up with her too, man,” he went on. “She was your family too. Because we are family.”
Firefighter don’t cry. Firefighter don’t cry. Especially just because their best friend is being kind. I dug my nails into my palms and made some weird, choked sound of understanding.
“And you did help me, Pace,” he repeated. “And you’re still trying to avoid pain by causing it. Like Kaylee did. Like I did. We don’t even realize the lengths our brains will go through subconsciously if it thinks it’s keeping us safe.”
It hit me like a room of flames getting oxygen from an open door. That was exactly what I did. What I warned Sophie not to do, hiding from life, was exactly what I did. I just avoided a different sort of pain.
I snorted. “I said something similar to Sophie. But I didn’t realize I was doing the exact same thing. She hid in her comfortable house and routine, and I hid by never being still. We were both so afraid.”
“But you still found each other. You can still be together. But you have to trust that people are going to feel pain and still want you in their lives. She can navigate her way through negative experiences, and all you have to do is be there to hold her hand if that’s what she needs.”
“She’s so much braver than me,” I said, shaking my head.
“So go tell her you want to be a coward with her. Trust her to stay,” Levi said.
I felt his words soothe the burning pain in my chest. It was another weight lifted off my shoulders.
For months now, Sophie had told me and shown me that she felt safe with me. She opened her heart to me without hesitation once she decided I was safe.
I wanted to be her person if she’d let me.
If I was enough for a brilliant, brave person like Sophie to open her heart to, then maybe Levi was right.
Maybe I could be there for her, and that was enough.
To hold her hand when the anxiety got too much, to explain to her how something was going to go.
To show her that she was capable, to show her how to appreciate her beauty and wit like I did.
“The list is done and now . . .” I trailed off, thoughts tumbling around even as an idea was starting to form.
“Was it ever really about that?” he asked.
“The list was important to her. It represented so much for her, but . . .”
My sentence drifted off as a thought came to me.
What if the list had been the excuse we both needed?
How could I show her I was going to be there whenever she needed me?
I had to be worthy of proving I could hold her heart carefully in my hands.
That my love was more than a rushed proposal at the worst possible time.
“I know you love her. That much is obvious. So how are you going to show her?” Levi asked.
The answer was so clear. “I have an idea. Do you have paper and pen?”
All the numbness that held me in place melted away into exhilarated motivation. I would make this right.
I’d been working with frantic energy for a few minutes when I heard Levi grunt. This was his grunt of curiosity. Sure enough, when I glanced up, he was staring out the front window of the shop. People were making their way toward the center of town.
“What’s going on?” I asked, having finished what I wanted to get done.
“I’m not sure.” Levi already had his phone out. “Let me check the city site.”
I shifted impatiently, as Levi’s brows went up.
“What? What?” I asked, reaching for his phone.
“Did you promise to go streaking with Sophie?”