Chapter 32
Sophie
Dressed in the warmest robe I could find, a hat, gloves, and furry boots, I stomped from foot to foot, trying to psych myself up to do this. I could do this.
Any normal person could run through their small town in the middle of winter totally naked, right?
Well, I wasn’t naked exactly. I wore incredibly tight shapewear that would hold things in place while giving the appearance of nudity . . . from far away . . . if someone needed glasses.
“Oh, God, oh, God, what am I doing?” My breath hung in the air because it was freaking December in the Rocky Mountains.
I was a person who had something to prove. Even if I got a little bit of frostbite.
I could do this. I could show myself and Pace that I wasn’t afraid.
But as the cold seeped into my bits and my fingers slowly lost feeling, I debated the merits of this gesture. After all, maybe a well-written letter would be better? Or some sort of chocolate? Anything had to be better than losing feeling in my feet.
What if he hadn’t seen the post on the city’s social media site? What if I were out here with everyone and their mother watching me get ready to make a fool out of myself for nothing?
“Oh,” I moaned again.
I glanced up to see Claire giving me a thumbs-up. She had helped me come up with this absurd idea the other night at Bookers. I needed to do something to show Pace I wasn’t afraid. Or rather, I was afraid, but I could do scary things to show him what he meant to me.
And hell, after the whole town saw the list, this was a walk in the park. Well, a jog through the park.
Claire came up to me and whispered, “Who would have thought that all these people would be this interested in seeing you naked and running through town? Actually, now that I’m saying it out loud, of course they are.
Who wouldn’t? Am I right? Oh, look, even little Mrs. Elkins is here.
Isn’t she the retired librarian? Hey, why are you getting so pale? ”
I wrapped my arms tighter around my middle. “I’m not actually naked,” I mumbled helplessly. “I don’t want to be arrested for public indecency.”
“Good. Yeah. Of course not, you’re not actually naked.” Claire repeated the last bit loudly for all to hear.
A few men grumbled something and left.
“Gross,” we said in unison.
“There are so many people here. Looking at me,” I said through my teeth, a smile plastered to my face.
Grandma El was passing out bags of popcorn with Gigi.
“Lots of whispering,” I added.
“Who cares. People whisper about me all the time.” Claire waved away my worries.
“You’re right. Who cares.” I rubbed my arms up and down; this terry-cloth robe wasn’t doing much. “Actually. I care a lot. I am pretty sure I have had this exact stress dream before. Oh, look, there’s my high school math teacher. Yep. Great.”
“Want me to take you home?” Claire asked, worry knitting her brow.
I took a deep breath in and out—the sharp burn of the cold gave me clarity. I lifted my chin and balled my fists with determination. This was the person I wanted to be. Someone who could do scary things for the people they love.
“I have spent my whole life being terrified of living. Now that I have had a taste of really being alive, I cannot go back. I would rather learn how to handle feeling everything than nothing at all. Pace taught me that was worth it,” I said to her.
“You got this.” Her face melted into a soft smile, and she gave me a quick hug. I had never been more thankful for a new friend.
I nodded, hopping up and down. “I’m going to give Pace five more minutes, and then I’m heading home. ‘Naked’ and running through town. Whether he is here or not.”
“You are a badass, you know that?”
I had responded to Grandma El’s accidental post instead of deleting it, leaning into the humiliation. I’d made an addendum to the list by adding one more item:
Run naked through town this Saturday at 3 p.m.
And so, here I was. Waiting for Pace to show him how far I’d come because of his help.
I stood on tiptoes looking for him in the crowd. It was hard. With so many winter hats and scarves, it wasn’t as easy to spot his trademark good looks and dark reddish-blond hair.
“I’m going to go get you a hot chocolate at least,” Claire said before hurrying off into the crowd.
I walked in a small circle, hoping I might be able to spot him coming from a different direction.
I made it to the gazebo where the largest crowd had formed.
I pushed and “excuse me’d” through people who didn’t even know why they were there.
To be fair, Cozy Creek loved an event, and they probably assumed this was just another one. And it was.
I was doing this. I stretched one arm across my chest and then the other. I grabbed my ankle to stretch my quad, the way I’d seen Pace do a hundred times—almost fell over—and I was ready to go.
I had just about completed my circle when Vicky Lambert came to a stop in front of me.
Because, of course, she did.
I looked to the sky with a laugh and a shake of my head. The universe really wanted to test me.
She scrunched her nose, and I tugged the ties of my robe tighter. A lump of dread hardened in my gut as she narrowed her eyes and looked me up and down.
“It would be really awkward if Pace didn’t come, wouldn’t it?” she asked with faux sympathy.
“I’m not doing this just for him,” I said, barely able to look at her, still searching the crowd for him.
“Sure. You know, there are other ways to get attention.” She looked at me as though something oozed from my nose.
Maybe the cold had shut down parts of my brain, or it was the pure adrenaline, but I looked at her then. Really looked at her. Forced myself to meet her gaze even though it made me so beyond uncomfortable that I had to count the seconds as I did so.
“Do you know how many times I’ve told you off in my head?
” I asked. “So many times, I’ve said exactly what I meant to say in the moment.
I have had literal stress dreams where I am yelling at you, with my full chest, and refuting every mean thing you’ve ever said with perfect delivery and plenty of receipts. ”
“Wow.” She winced. “I don’t really think about you until I see you.”
I nodded, not believing her but knowing where this would go.
“I know, it’s so silly.” I shook my head with a genuine laugh, as a strange energy buzzed through my body.
“I have spent so much energy on you. And you are just not worth it.” Her cool demeanor never faltered, even as the words began to pour out of me.
And why would it? She probably lived for these moments of pushing someone over the brink and watching them crash out.
“I wanted so badly to give you a chance to prove you are more than a sad, mean person. I genuinely couldn’t understand why someone would go out of their way to cause pain.
It didn’t make any sense to me that any human with an ounce of empathy could be wired that way.
But you’ve shown me time and time again that you will never be more than cruel.
It took me all these years to really understand that.
I’m not even hurt anymore. I feel so sad for you.
You will never be happy. You are cursed to a life of misery and self-loathing because that’s how you are wired.
And as you get older and the people you’ve surrounded yourself with start to avoid you and you wonder why, remember it’s because you chose to be nasty when you could have chosen to be kind.
That’s an active choice that you make every day, and I imagine it’s rotting your soul.
But I’m done giving you energy that you don’t deserve.
And maybe you’ll live forever in peaceful bliss, unaware of just how shitty you are, and everyone around you will lie to you.
Maybe there really isn’t justice in the world for people who suck. I guess I have to live with that too.”
It was perfect. It came out like a speech in a dream. She stared at me. I felt alive. I felt like I could lift a car off my proverbial baby.
“Pace is way hotter than you,” she said and looked me up and down again, with all the sassy menace.
I blinked at her. She shook her perfect hair out and smiled like she totally got me.
“Okay. Good talk,” I said.
I rolled my eyes and walked away. I stopped, debating whether to go back and punch her.
No. No. I wasn’t that person. I was done giving her energy.
I had been right in thinking that telling Vicky exactly what I wanted to in the moment didn’t change her mind at all.
But I had been wrong about one thing. It did make me feel a hell of a lot better.
I already felt her shrinking until she took up no more of my mental real estate with every step I took away.
Then there were murmurs as the crowd parted, clearing a path.
“Pace.” I gasped his name.
Even though I’d spent all morning hoping he’d appear, it was a shock for my eyes to see him after weeks of missing him.
He stood tentatively, handsome as ever, hands clasped before him.
“Sophie,” he whispered my name reverently as his gaze moved all over me before staying locked on to mine.
He had a look on his face I couldn’t quite place: part worry, part awe—a lot of confusion.
We stepped toward each other, and time slowed. The sounds around me faded until there was only him. His rapid breaths, his twisting brows. His hands lifted toward me before dropping again. He tugged the winter hat from his head in a gesture of pitiful remorse.
I winced, wondering if he’d heard me. “How much of that did you hear?” I asked, referring to my impassioned but totally wasted speech to Vicky.
“Not a lot, but I could see you, and you looked fierce,” he said and beamed at me. We stepped closer together again.
I wished he’d wrap me in his arms and tell me everything was okay. But he remained restrained, concerned. Where was the gregarious man who swept me up so I never felt like my feet touched the ground?
“It didn’t matter. She’s the worst.”
He nodded. “And probably always will be. But you aren’t,” he said.