Chapter 32 #2
He took another step closer, and I matched him. He swallowed, and his gaze moved over my features.
I had been so determined to play it cool, but the words tumbled out.
“I’ve really missed you,” I said, not at all chill, and mortified to hear my voice catch.
“Oh, Soph.” He stepped closer again, and his face contorted.
If I leaned even an inch forward, our bodies would meet.
He reached for me, but then his arms fell.
He glanced around, and we both became painfully aware of the dozen people within a few feet of us blatantly staring and listening.
He cleared his throat and spoke quietly.
“How can you miss me when I acted so horrible? I did everything wrong. I ruined that night for you. It’s been killing me.” His face twisted with misery. “I shouldn’t have let you leave without apologizing. I am so, so sorry.”
“It was a rough night. But there were good parts too.” I kept my fingers twined together so I wouldn’t be tempted to hold him. I wasn’t sure where he was going or if he still wanted me the way I wanted him.
“You were right. I held things back. I-I didn’t tell you everything. I should have never proposed to you like that. That was a mistake. Asking you like that. Please accept my apology.” His sweet, puppy dog gaze implored me like it had the first night we met as adults.
“Oh, of-of course I accept your apology.” I was flustered and looked away. I fought the devastation his words caused, even though I knew his proposal was said out of fear and wasn’t real. “Of course, I forgive you.”
I would probably always forgive him. But what I needed was more of this, more of this openness. Would he tell me what he was afraid of?
But before I could get clarification, he asked, “What are you doing? You finished the list.”
The list. The freaking list. “I wish I never wrote that stupid thing.”
“That’s not true,” he said.
“I made the list to fix myself because it felt impossible that anybody would ever love me as I am.”
“No.” His shoulders were heaving with exertion, his gaze moving all over me. “That’s not true.
“No. I know that now. Or I’m working on understanding that.
I feel like the list became this crutch for me.
” I took a steadying breath. The townspeople huddled around us weren’t even pretending to not listen.
Betsy and Ruth were sharing a paper bag of popcorn, without even taking their eyes off us.
But I was in too far now. Maybe if I was brave first, I could get him to share too.
“For us,” I added, “I don’t want to have an excuse to see you. I want it to be an assumption.”
“What?” someone near us said loudly.
“I can’t hear them. What are they saying?” I recognized Grandma El’s voice over the crowd.
“Speak up,” someone else yelled.
I couldn’t help but chuckle even as I blushed. “Totally not embarrassing at all.”
“What are you doing here then?” he asked, shaking his head, still seeming to hold a piece of himself back.
Teeth chattering, I stomped in place. “D-didn’t you see that there was an additional item?”
He closed his eyes to laugh. “But why? You don’t have anything to prove to me or anybody else.”
“I thought that my worst fear was people finding this list. But then it happened, and I realized that wasn’t it at all. Worst surprise ever.
“Not only was it not my worst fear, but I don’t even think it was ever about the list. I never thought I would be able to care for someone else.
I literally couldn’t even get myself out of bed some days, how was I going to care for another person?
I thought that when push came to shove, my worst fears would cause me to freeze, and the people I cared about would suffer.
But you showed me that I am more than capable of caring for people.
I didn’t even think twice when you were in danger.
I didn’t care about myself at all. And so that’s why I’m here.
” I lifted my chin. “I want you to see that I’m not afraid anymore.
Well. I am, I’m terrified.” My teeth chattered audibly as though to prove my point.
I was half nerves and half ice cube. “But I’m willing to do scary things for the people that I love.
I understand that now. It was never about the list. I needed to prove to myself that I could show up when the times got rough.
And you taught me how. You brought that out in me.
And this is just about as terrifying as having the list shared. But I’m scared with intention now.”
“Sophie. I’m sorry. You don’t need to prove anything. I know you’re brave. You’re the most courageous person I know,” he said.
There were a few aws from the gathering.
“Not as brave as you.” My whole body shook.
“Are you kidding me? I’m a coward. Do you know how scared I am? I’ve never been as scared as I have been these last few weeks,” he confessed. “I’ve missed you too. I’ve missed you so much, I feel sick. I can’t make myself busy enough to not think about you.”
My mouth slowly fell open.
“Aw, that’s sweet,” someone said.
“What?” another older man yelled.
“But I need to say something,” Pace said slightly louder, holding out his arms.
“Speak up!” the old man shouted again.
Pace’s mouth went into a flat line. He shook out his hands. He looked like I’d never seen him. Terrified. No smile, colorless cheeks.
“Pace. It’s okay, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I am doing this for you, but I’m also doing it for myself.”
“No. I know.” He shook his head. “I want to expose myself to you—”
“I thought that’s what I was doing . . .” My eyebrows reached up my forehead. “It does seem to be one of your favorite things to do.”
“No.” He huffed out a nervous laugh and then groaned and smiled at me like he was annoyed that I had made him laugh while being nervous. “Listen, I have bad news. The list isn’t done.”
“Oh.” My confusion was written all over my face. I thought back to every item we’d crossed off together, wondering which item he cried foul on. Did he think, like I had, that finishing these completely arbitrary activities would somehow fix me?
Worse yet, did he still believe something about me needed fixing?
“The list is important. You do need to finish it.”
I blinked at him. Worried that my heart, which had already borne so much pain, might fracture permanently this time.
“What? What did we forget?” I asked.