Chapter Forty
Maggie
“Have you seen Brody?” I said, walking into the darkness of the living room where my brother and his family were settled on the couch having a movie night.
It was such a mundane, normal night, but I felt the strangest feeling wash over me that I was intruding on something private.
“Oh, never mind,” I said quickly, taking in the scene in front of me, the three of them cozied up on the couch as the flickering light of the TV illuminated their faces. “Sorry for interrupting—”
“No, stay,” Cassie urged, shifting to sit up and pat the space beside her on the couch. “We’re having movie night.”
It was one of Liam’s few nights off, and I knew how much he prioritized spending time with his family. I’d made a promise to him to show him with actions rather than empty words how much I respected him, and worried that barging in on his night might be selfish.
But when I looked to him for an answer, I found nothing but openness.
“Yeah, come hang out,” he agreed. “You’ve been working all day.”
It was true. My mind was fried after having done a deep dive into Mr. Reilly’s case and overanalyzing every possible next step we could make.
After exhausting every avenue and formulating a new plan going forward, all I wanted was to mindlessly watch something to distract myself.
Even if it was some animated children’s film.
Plus, I really didn’t want to be alone. Especially after I’d come to the realization that I hadn’t seen Brody around at all the entire day.
Had he found somewhere else to stay? Was he back at the apartment? Was he taking space away from me?
All valid scenarios. Still, none felt particularly pleasant.
“If you’re sure,” I said, plopping down on the farthest end of their three-section couch.
Liam stretched an arm behind him—the one not being used to cradle his family—and tossed over a throw blanket in my direction.
I grabbed it midair and laid it over me, settling back into the couch, feeling waves of tension ease off me for the first time in a while.
It was nice—the life Cassie and Liam had built for themselves here. It wasn’t just because they had a big house or a lot of money. It was because they had a lot of love. And with that, they’d turned this place into a home.
It was almost tangible, the feeling of peace and calm that existed here. There wasn’t room for uncertainty or fear. Only the love the three of them had for each other.
I’d pushed Brody away for so long because he had wanted exactly this.
Was this everything I’d been scared of? I thought suddenly.
But then I thought, no. This was exactly what I was scared of losing. And the part of my brain that had led all my decisions the last few years had somehow convinced me that it was better to never have it at all than to have it and lose it.
Now, I wasn’t so sure.
I shook my head, distracting myself from thoughts that wouldn’t serve me. Right now, I just needed to work my way through Mr. Reilly’s case and go from there. That was all I had the energy for at the moment.
But a night of Moana wouldn’t hurt to take the edge off.
Cassie and Lily’s feet poked out from under their blanket, and I laughed at the colorful fuzzy socks they both wore. I panned my gaze to Liam’s, noting the stark difference in his generic Nike socks.
“What? No matching pajamas?” I joked.
“Oh, we have them.” Liam widened his eyes as he nodded.
“But Liam hates wearing them,” Cassie pouted.
“I do not,” he said, staring down at her. “They’re just a little… tight.”
Cassie scoffed. I giggled, raising my brows at him, as if to say, really? Matching jammies?
“Let’s just say Cassie and Lily look a hell of a lot cuter in them than I can pull off.”
“I believe that,” I said with a laugh.
“Shhhh,” Lily said finally, never tearing her gaze off the screen. “Too loud.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, missy.” Cassie poked her. “Are we interrupting your movie?”
“Yes, you are, Mommy. Movies are for listening, not for talking.”
“Ouch,” Cassie placed a hand atop her heart. “My own daughter using my own words against me.” Then Cassie turned to me in explanation. “It’s what I taught her before we went to the movie theater for the first time. I guess she really took it to heart.”
“Shhh,” Lily said again, and this time Cassie stared at her with a grin, miming a zipper coming across her lips.
The movie played for a while, and I’d gotten so into it that I hadn’t realized Lily had fallen asleep until Liam was standing up and scooping her in his arms.
“I’m going to put this one to bed,” he whispered. “I’ll be right back.”
Cassie and I watched Liam leave, carrying a sleeping Lily out of the living room, leaving us alone in the flickering light.
“So,” I said, twisting my body so I could look over at her on the other side of the couch, “have you seen Brody at all today?”
“No,” Cassie admitted. “I don’t think he’s been around today.”
“But where would he go?” I asked, heart breaking at the thought that I might have driven him away.
We were his friends. His family here. Where else could he be but with us? Nowhere that made any sense.
“I honestly don’t know,” Cassie shrugged. “Liam didn’t offer up any details, and I didn’t really want to pry into it. I’ve sort of just been trying to stay out of everyone’s way as much as I can while you work through this.”
I laughed. “We’re in your house and you’re trying to stay out of our way?” I shook my head with a smile. “Typical Cassie. I bet all this disharmony is killing you.”
“So much.” She agreed with a wince. “I just want you guys to be happy, and I know you won’t be until everything is right between you.”
I knew I definitely wouldn’t feel okay until everything was right either, but a realization had struck me recently that I shared with Cassie.
“I want everything to go back to normal more than anyone, but I’m starting to think it’s selfish of me to even try.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I mean, I broke his heart and told him I wasn’t ready for a future with him. I can’t just tell him that it was a mistake and I actually do want to be with him. He’ll feel like I’m playing a game of tug-of-war with him or something.”
I sighed, staring at the television screen instead of Cassie’s unwavering eyes.
“Maybe if I really love him,” I started, blowing out a breath with the words that hurt so badly to utter, “I need to just… let him go.”
“What! Why would you do that?” she screeched, sitting upright.
“I don’t know! Isn’t that what the poets say?”
“Screw the poets! Show me one romance novel that ended with the heroine ‘letting him go.’ No way.” She shook her head, adamant in her stance.
“Well, we’re not in a romance novel, Cass. This is real life. And I can’t go screwing with his life for the sake of my own happiness.”
“It’s his happiness too, though. Look, you’ve seen The Notebook. It never does any good when you let the person you’re in love with ‘move on’ because you think it’s better for them. Then, it’s just two people with broken hearts missing each other and not saying anything about it!”
“So what do you want me to do? Build Brody his dream house and wait around for him to see me in some newspaper article and come back to me?”
“Interesting that you cast yourself as Noah,” Cass quirked a brow. “But, no. That’s not really the scenario I was going for. I’m telling you, skip the whole decade-long separation and reconcile now, before you have to lose any time.”
I thought about it, but couldn’t come up with any clear answer.
I just needed to talk to Brody. To apologize to him, and maybe help him see the position I’d been coming from.
I wouldn’t beg him to forgive me, if that wasn’t what he wanted.
But I could see where he was at, and we could go from there.
“Do you think I’m stupid?” I asked her. “I was so afraid of being alone, of being left, that I pushed him away before he had the chance to do it. I mean, that’s objectively insane, right?”
“I think it gave you a sense of control that a younger version of you might’ve been desperate for. It’s not crazy. It’s understandable. Don’t you remember how I almost ruined everything by running away from Liam back then?”
I smirked at the memory of her showing up at my apartment, terrified and red-rimmed eyes because she’d just kissed Liam and was afraid of what happened next.
I guess Cassie and I were two sides of the same coin, in our own messed-up way.
“Yeah, Cass. I remember,” I told her with a laugh. “Difference is, you thought you were running away, but my brother wouldn’t have let you get far.”
She snorted.
“I’m serious. That man would’ve followed you to the ends of the earth hoping you might change your mind.”
Cassie blushed, waving away my comment as she continued on her spiel.
“The point is, if I hadn’t pulled it together and started dealing with my crap, I would’ve missed out on all this.” She gestured around her, and I knew she wasn’t referring to the house itself, but the home she’d made with the help of the two people upstairs.
I understood what she was saying, because the thought had been haunting me terribly lately. I wasn’t only mourning the life I’d had with Brody, but the future I might never get to see now.
But I guess that’s just where the cards fell after I played a shitty hand. Once you make your move, you can’t take it back.
“Let’s just watch The Notebook,” I muttered, shifting onto my side again. “I’d rather be depressed about fictional people than my own real, and very pathetic, life.”
“Whatever you want, Mags,” Cassie said, though I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she said it.
She thought I was giving up.
She thought I was throwing in the towel and ruining my life. And maybe I was. But at least I wasn’t ruining Brody’s.
Because the truth was, I knew I wanted to marry Brody. I knew I’d be happy with him and have the life of my dreams.
But what I didn’t know for sure is that it wouldn’t be a mistake for him. I couldn’t be responsible for ruining his life. I wouldn’t. Not when he could have any number of women who could probably guarantee him more happiness than me.
I loved Brody with my whole, entire heart.
And that was almost the cruelest part of it all.