15. Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Fifteen
Sam
While Soren slept, curled on the sofa, I did some intrepid searching on my phone. I’d managed to wheedle a bit more information about his condition from him before he’d given up the ghost and fallen asleep.
He’d explained that his liver enzyme level had been the same for a long time—and he wasn’t progressing into a more serious illness.
When pressed, however, he admitted his food intake over the past month might’ve affected his numbers. After a whole lot of nagging from me, he set up an appointment to see his doctor next week.
He wasn’t pleased.
Neither was I.
The more I read—the more my worry increased.
This was incredibly serious, and he’d been cavalier over the past few weeks.
At least he’d been correct on one count—I would’ve absolutely put an end to the recklessness.
I would’ve spent way more time preparing healthier foods.
We hadn’t even eaten that many unhealthy foods—but many of them were bad for liver health.
And we certainly hadn’t been eating all the good foods.
I prepared a list of things I’d buy at the grocery store after work.
Finally, I took stock of what I could make for dinner.
Leftover hamburger for me, lean chicken breast for Soren, and more salad for both of us.
Tibby eyed me.
“One hour. Your dinner time is in one hour.”
She cocked her head.
“Oh. I’m just—” I took a deep breath. “Annoyed with your daddy. He could’ve told me. Hell, he should’ve told me. But we are where we are, and now, we make the best of it.”
She laid her chin on my thigh.
I rubbed her ears. “Are you really happy with us here? Me, Peaches, and Jack? They can be…rough. Those little claws are brutal.”
Her snuff of amusement tickled my skin.
“I hear what you’re saying. I just—” I gazed into her dark-brown eyes.
“—I’ve never done this before. Any of it.
Not just the kissing and cuddling…” I inhaled sharply.
“I don’t know if I know how to love someone.
See…all the people I’ve ever loved have died.
Except Quinta. Quinta is always the exception.
And she’s going to love you something fierce.
She loves working at the store because she got to hang with all the animals.
“Loved.” I had to correct myself. “Past tense. She doesn’t want to work at the store anymore. She’s met a man. Not exactly a young man. That said, he’s not as old as me. He’s certainly not as old as your dad.”
Tibby snorted.
“Right? So I need to be open to meeting this guy and accepting that he might be Quinta’s one.
Just like…” My breath hitched. “What if your dad is my one? What if we’re destined to be together?
What if I really can let go of this vigilance and, I don’t know, allow myself to fall in love?
Because, let’s be honest, there’s no better man out there.
He might be pigheaded, but he’s got a good heart.
How many nights did he give up his sleep to take care of my kittens? ”
I hesitated.
“That should be our kittens. I can’t fathom making a single decision about them without consulting your dad.
So whether he keeps them, I keep them, or we share them…
it’s a decision we have to make together.
” I grinned. “They are super cute. I miss Carlos, but it just wasn’t meant to be.
But Peaches and Jack are thriving. They’re ready to be litter trained.
They’re healthy and happy and—” My breath caught.
“I can’t imagine my life without them. Just like I’m having a tough time envisioning my life without you and your dad.
Which kind of makes me think I need to open my heart to him.
To figure out what he means to me and what I mean to him and what the future looks like. ”
I sighed.
“Just over a month. Can you really know in such a short period of time? What your new life trajectory can be?” I sniffed.
“Well, a crash changed my life in an instant.” I rubbed Tibby’s ears.
“I think the moment I agreed to come here with your dad, my life’s course altered.
If Quinta had come home, then I definitely would be back living with her.
But she didn’t come home. And I haven’t left. ”
“I’m glad you haven’t.”
For just a fraction of a second, I wondered if Tibby had spoken.
Then I gazed up to find a rather rumpled Soren looking down at me.
“I’m thawing some chicken for you for dinner. I’m going to eat the hamburger you cooked for yourself so it doesn’t go to waste. Apologies.” I stroked Tibby’s snout. “And you get your kibble.”
She perked up.
Soren chuckled as he moved to put her food in a bowl.
I cleared my throat. “Uh…how much did you hear?”
“Enough.” Soren put Tibby’s bowl on the ground and, after the hound attacked it with enthusiasm, he moved to the table and sat beside me.
“Do I wish you’d said those things to me?
Sure. Should I have been eavesdropping? No.
Will I ask Tibby to break confidences? Absolutely.
Now, my expectations are low she’ll actually share what you said to her. She’s good at keeping secrets.”
“She would have to be. To be a good therapy dog.” I smiled as she devoured her food. “You’d think we hadn’t fed her ten hours ago and given her lots of treats in the meantime.”
Her head poked up.
I shook mine.
She resumed eating.
Soren reached for my hand and I gave it. He offered a smile. “I was serious when I asked you to move in. I’m talking in a forever kind of way, and I don’t blame you if you’re confused or panicked.”
“Or both.”
He nodded. “Or both. I don’t have a great track record—what with a divorce in my past. Neither can I point to anything about me that screams permanence.”
I gazed around his homey kitchen and to his dog. “I think you missed the mark on that one. You’re settled. You have a job, a home, and a dog you love. You’ve put down roots in Foggy Basin. Obviously, you had no intention of leaving. Those things are all pluses as far as I can see.”
“Sure.” He gazed away for a moment before turning back and setting those lovely light-brown eyes on me. “But you have a home. One I think means a great deal to you.”
“Yeah. My parents’ home. The seat of the family.
” I ran my thumb along the junction between his thumb and index finger.
“I sealed their room off ten years ago. I’ve never gone in there.
Not to clean, not to donate their clothes…
nothing.” I sighed. “I think it’s safe to say Quinta will never want to inherit it. ”
“Hey.” He tipped my chin so our gazes met. “You can hold onto it. Just because she’s making a life for herself in LA, doesn’t mean she might not eventually want to come home.”
I shook my head. “She never came out and said it, but—” I offered a small smile. “—she’s not a small-town girl. Certainly, she doesn’t love it like I do. I think…she was always meant for something bigger and better.”
“Not necessarily better.” He appeared to consider.
“I lived that big-city lifestyle for years, and it suited me. As I grew my business more, though, I was spending more time at home. I realized I needed somewhere I could feel comfortable. When my wife left me, things just sort of fell into place. Moving to Foggy Basin and buying this cabin was the perfect solution. I have a home office with windows on two sides—a view of the lake and another of the forest. Bringing Tibby home added to that perfection. She ensures I don’t get too wrapped up in work.
Strolls along the shore, playtime in the woods, long walks on the country roads… all adding to my health.”
“And food?” I eyed him.
“Touché.” He chuckled. “I take it you’ve done some research?” He gestured to my phone with his chin.
“Did you think I wouldn’t?”
“Well, if I’d given it some thought, then I could’ve given you the research and documentation my doctor gave to me. Saved you some time.”
“You needed that nap.”
He yawned. “Yeah, okay. I suppose I did.”
“Do you feel rested?”
“Yep. Ready to help cook dinner.” Still, though, he didn’t move. Finally, he took a deep breath. “I’m going to make a suggestion.”
I cocked my head.
“I know I sort of suggested it before, but I’m doing it seriously now. I’m asking you to consider moving in here. For the meantime, but with an eye to staying forever. Unless you want to consider me moving—”
“Nope. You’re not leaving this gorgeous place.”
“But your family home—”
Again, I shook my head. “I need to move on. Whatever that looks like.”
“Well, you could consider renting it. I’m certain there would be a family who would be grateful. You’d have a bit of rental income that you can direct to Quinta, and you can figure out if you want to commit to me.”
My chest constricted. Can it just be this simple? I move in…and stay forever? “Are you sure?”
“More sure than I’ve ever been. Look, I don’t want to pressure you. I don’t want to panic you. I want to invite you to stay forever. To consider making this a permanent relationship.”
“You’re going to get tired of me.” I said the words with absolute conviction because I didn’t have a single doubt in my mind.
“Sam—”
“Nope.” I pulled my hand back and pushed myself to stand. “I need to finish with the chicken. You must be hungry. Maybe you can get food for the kittens?”
“Sam.”
Finally, at length, I met his gaze.
“Thank you.”
I nodded.
“I’m going to ask you something. A favor of sorts.”
“Anything. I’ll do anything.” I cocked my head. “But I can’t imagine what you’d ask of me.”
He chuckled ruefully. “Something you might find hard to do.”
“Oh?” Dread lay in the pit of my stomach. Whatever he was about to ask was going to be super important.
“I’m going to ask you to give me some credit.
To take me at my word. To believe me when I say that I know my own mind.
When I say I know what’s in my heart. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that I want you in my life.
Romantically. As a partner. As someone who will help me raise the kittens and take care of Tibby. As an absolute equal.”
As predicted, my stomach dropped. He was earnest about it. He honestly believed what he was saying.
I dropped into the seat beside him. “How am I supposed to argue with that?”
“Maybe you’re not?” He asked the question with hope—almost like he understood how close I was to giving in.
“I’m not going to change.”
“No one’s asking you to—least of all me. What I am asking is that you give us a real shot. That you go into this relationship believing it might just be forever. Giving me a shot to prove how much I care about you.”
I bit my lower lip. And considered. “I really care about you, Soren.”
“And I care about you.”
“Which is why I honestly think you can do better than me.”
He reached for both my hands and gripped them tightly.
“Nope. Not in a million years. I see a man who is so strong and has held things together for so damn long. I see a man who brought home kittens who wouldn’t have survived otherwise.
I see someone who is determined to be the best—uncle, employee, friend—” He gazed upward. As if trying to add to his words.
As if he could.
“Soren.” Said quietly.
He met my gaze.
“I might be all those things. I also can’t give you what you need.”
“Sam.” Said sharply. “Have I ever given you any hint that I’m unhappy with things the way they are?”
“Well…”
He arched an eyebrow.
“Okay. No. But that might change. You might meet someone who can—” Since my hands were still clasped in his, I made a weird jerking motion with my head.
Soren rolled his eyes. “Nope. Look, can I be honest?”
I nodded.
“Okay. Well—” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I love our cuddles. And I think you do too.”
Again, I nodded.
“Do I wish for a bit more? Yes. But I’m talking about…I don’t know. What might you be comfortable with? Sharing a bed sounds too big for you right now. I don’t know how you’d cope.”
“Here’s where I’m supposed to be honest too, right?”
This time, he nodded.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “I’ve wondered.
What that might look like. When you hug me?
I really enjoy that. Leaning against you while we watch movies feels good.
When you scratch my scalp, I love it. So I think…
how hard could it be to lie in a bed with you?
I mean with clothes and no expectations.
Then I spiral downward thinking that I’d be leading you on and, without meaning to, promising something I can’t deliver. ” I blinked.
“Now it’s my turn to say I’ve done research.”
I tilted my head.
“I’ve seen that asexuality is a spectrum. And that everyone is different. What is completely off-limits for one person might be okay for someone else. You’ve admitted you don’t have a lot of experience…”
“None.”
“None.” He offered a soft smile. “So it’s okay for you not to know what your limits are.
What is not okay is for me to push them.
If you want to try something, then just be honest. If we try it and it doesn’t work, then we move on.
No recriminations. No disappointments. Consent is always top of mind for me.
Always has been and always will be. That went for all my relationships. ”
His words washed over me. A balm to my wounded soul.
I’d spent a good portion of my life thinking something was wrong with me.
Research allowed me to find other people like me.
But I hadn’t done more than read their stories.
I hadn’t reached out—hadn’t tried to connect with them.
Maybe, in retrospect, that had been a mistake.
I squinted. As if trying to bring things into focus.
“Sam?”
“I’m thinking.”
“Then take all the time you need.” He squeezed our hands.
Tibby placed her chin on my thigh.
I gave her a smile. “Hey, girl.”
She snuffed.
I laughed. Along with Soren. Then I turned my attention back to him. “An experiment?”
He sat up straighter. “Whatever you want.”
“Okay. Tonight. Your bed. With pajamas. Do you even own pajamas?”
He chuckled. “I do, in fact. I like to sleep with the air a little nippy, so I wear pajamas. Have the entire time you’ve been here. The last thing I wanted was for you to see me naked.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ve seen naked men before, you know. I’m not a prude. Just—” Again with the lip biting.
“Just?” Again—nothing but compassion.
“Nothing.” I nodded my head. “Okay.” Then I managed a smile.
Soren leaned toward me.
I met him in the middle.
We kissed.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
I guess we’ll see.