16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Soren
Two of my most vivid memories were of losing my virginity.
First to Isobel Clemens.
Then to Rajesh Sharma.
I’d at least had the good sense to do those things sober. I’d worried about getting Isobel pregnant, so a condom had been a must. I’d been concerned about hurting Rajesh—since I was his first as well.
Oh, wait.
I also lost my virginity to Walker Michaels.
He was the first guy to penetrate me. So, kind of cool that I’d lost my virginity three times.
Some people might think that was excessive.
To count that way. Except each of those memories was precious.
There’d been plenty of people I’d had sex with in the intervening twenty-some-odd years. My wife being the most important.
Still.
I was more nervous with Sam than I’d been with any of those other people.
When he appeared at my doorway, my breath caught. Nothing special about the pajamas he wore. Cotton. Utilitarian. Blue-and-green checked. Kind of a lumberjack vibe. I smiled.
He advanced into the room. Squinting.
I chuckled.
“Are those…?” He gestured.
“Yes. Yes, they are. Rainbow unicorns. Lolita sent them last year. Gag Christmas gift.”
“And what did you send her?”
I laughed. “Okay…but don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want you to think I sexually harass my employees.”
He cocked his head. “Okay, now I’m really curious.”
“A vibrating dildo.”
“Jesus.”
“Right? And with anyone else, I never would’ve considered it. But this is Lolita, and she laughed for twenty minutes straight. Honestly, she thought the thing was the best gift ever.”
“Maybe she felt like she had to say that. Being your employee and all.” He frowned.
“I shouldn’t have told you. Except to explain the pajamas. She’d made a comment about her old dildo burning through batteries too quickly. I bought her a rechargeable one with a five-hour battery life. She’s since said that was very considerate of me.”
His mouth dropped open. “Okay, well, I can’t imagine having a conversation with Desiree about—” He winced. “Just…ew…”
“Which shows you the kind of relationship I have with Lolita. In those early years, we put in some insane hours. I was making my way through a rough spot in my marriage. Lolita had just left, in her words, a massive wanker. We…encouraged each other through that time. Eventually, she met someone who treated her the way she deserved to be—as a precious gift.” I shrugged.
“And you?”
“I accepted my wife’s decision to end our marriage. Hell, she never even saw the pajamas. She wouldn’t have gotten the joke.”
He scratched his cheek. “I’m almost sorry I asked.”
“The dildo?”
“Yep.”
“That’s fair.” I gestured to Tibby. “She’s down for the night. Are you okay with her staying? She doesn’t jump on the bed or anything.”
He stared. “Why would I mind? We’re not going to, you know—” He pursed his lips.
“No. Just…I don’t know…I didn’t want you uncomfortable.”
“Well, Peaches and Jack are down for the count.” He advanced closer to the bed. “Which side do you sleep on?”
I pointed to the left side. “Closest to the north-facing window. So I can look out over the lake in the early morning without having to get out of bed.”
“If you don’t close your blinds.”
“Well, that’s true. It’s not like anyone’s going to look in.”
“Yeah…but morning light. Doesn’t that sometimes mess with your sleep?”
I chuckled. “Trust me—when I’m out, I’m completely out. I’m a good sleeper.”
“Restless?”
“No. I mean, not really. I might turn over a couple of times a night. Not often, though. I’m a deep sleeper.”
“Ah.”
His uncertainty gnawed at me. “What are you thinking?”
“That I don’t know what kind of sleeper I really am. I’ve never—” He gestured to the large bed.
“I know. And if you find it’s too much, then you head back to your room. This isn’t a pass/fail test. This is…an experiment.”
He frowned. “I don’t know if that makes it any better.”
I chuckled softly. “Yeah, that’s true. I’m trying to say this doesn’t have to be complicated. We get into bed. You decide what you want to try. What you think you might be comfortable with. If you’re not, then we stop. If you’re overwhelmed, then you head back to your room. Your sanctuary.”
“Without the lizards.”
I blinked. “What…? Oh, Kendall. Good memory. Yeah, like his sanctuary.”
“I suppose you can call it a good memory. I’m not likely to forget meeting the dude with the lizards.” He chuckled. “You know good people.”
“You’re one of the best.” I extended my hand.
He grasped it.
I led him to the right side of the bed. I pulled back the covers and gestured for him to get in. “That’s a harder pillow. If you prefer soft—”
“This is perfect, Soren. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re nervous.”
“Funny you should mention that.” I headed to my side of the bed.
“Oh?” He slid onto the mattress, settled on his side, and pulled the blanket over his chest.
I replicated his actions—also lying on my side so we faced each other. “I am nervous. This is a first for me. Just keeping it real.”
Slowly, he nodded. “For both of us. Although different reasons.” He bit his lower lip.
After a moment, I skimmed my index finger over his chin.
He released his lower lip from the grip of his teeth.
I smoothed that lip.
His eyes widened.
I nearly pulled back. Except I didn’t sense a fear reaction. More…curiosity. “Do you want to just go to sleep or—”
“Hold me. I’d like you to, I don’t know, like hold me. But that might, you know—” He gestured vaguely toward my crotch.
“Right. Sure, that’s possible. But you know I won’t do anything about it.
Look, I’m not aroused right now. I’m concerned about you.
I want you to be comfortable. That’s all that matters.
Would I like to hold you in my arms? Sure.
If you wanted to hold me, that would be okay too.
Or we hold hands. Or we just lie here and talk until we fall asleep. ”
“Yes.” He nodded.
I chuckled. “Yes to all, some, or none?” Because I’d just listed a bunch of stuff, and I still didn’t have any idea what he was thinking.
“Touch. I’d like to touch you.” His gaze held mine. “But I’m scared.”
“You have nothing to be afraid of. I’ll never hurt you.
” God, are those the right words? I’m also scared—of hurting him.
Of doing or saying the wrong thing. I was also worried that not saying anything might be just as liable to cause damage.
I scooted a little closer. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. ”
He reached across the space to brush his hand along my cheek. He smiled. “You look good with stubble.”
“I look old and grizzled.” Here, I could joke. Mostly.
His fingers feathered along my temples. “No lines. Your skin is flawless. Your smile lights a room.” He tapped my nose. “And your sense of humor will always keep me laughing. But it’s what’s in here—” He pressed his hand to my chest.
Right above my heart.
“It’s what’s in here that assures me that you’re a good person. That you take my fears seriously. That you’d never intentionally hurt me.” He scooted a little closer. Then he moved his hand to the v in my pajamas—just above my sternum. He pressed his fingers to the bare skin. “This feels good.”
“Well, it feels pretty awesome to me as well.”
“But I’m not…aroused. You know?”
“I do. And I’ll say it again—that’s totally fine. I like having you near me. That’s enough. That will always be enough.”
“You know what? I think I believe you.”
Thank Christ. I will remember those words and repeat them as often as you need to hear them.
He inched closer.
I did the same.
Our lips met. And as with all previous kisses, this one was chaste and simple. Restrained. All the more precious because the thing wasn’t a prelude to something. We weren’t doing this as an anticipatory action. We were kissing for the sake of kissing.
It felt fucking awesome.
Sam trailed his hand down my sternum to my chest. Then he veered his hand to my side where he settled it on my hip.
I gently caressed his cheek. This was something I knew he enjoyed.
Slowly, he opened his mouth.
My gut clenched. We’d never made it this far. Terrified, but undaunted, I opened my mouth as well. Normally, I liked to dominate kisses. Today, I was happy to sit back.
Sam poked his tongue tentatively into my mouth.
Gently, I ran mine along his.
He made a noise deep in his throat. He gripped my hip harder.
The stirrings of arousal swirled in me. His scent combined with the softness of his skin.
His tentative probing tongue along with a taste that was all him.
I could tamp down that driving need, though.
Being here for him was more important than any pleasure I might derive from this.
Plus, we’d basically had the conversation about biology.
If I got an erection, he certainly didn’t have anything to be concerned about.
He pulled back and his eyes fluttered open.
With just my nightside lamp on, his face was cast in deep shadows. He blinked.
“What is it, Sam?” I wanted to ask if he was okay—but even that might inadvertently trigger an unknown land mine.
He smiled. A little shyly. “I like this. Just—” Another long blink. “Is this enough for you?”
I caressed his cheek yet again. He’d shaved this morning, so his five o’clock shadow was less pronounced than mine.
“Yes. Truly. And you might be thinking that I’m just saying it because of…
whatever. I’m not. I’m saying that if you got up and left at this moment, that I’d lie here and smile.
Unless you took off because I did something wrong. ”
“You didn’t. You haven’t.” He rolled his eyes. “Why am I having trouble finding words when words are so damn important?”
“Shush. Don’t stress. You’re saying the exact right words. I’m here for you. Whatever that looks like.”
For the umpteenth time, he nodded. That didn’t give me clarity, necessarily, but he also didn’t back away. In fact, he scooted closer. “May I have a cuddle?”
I tweaked his nose. Because, in the moment, that felt like the right thing to do. “Of course you can. Preference? You the big spoon, me the big spoon, me on my back and you against me, or the other way?”
“How do you sleep? Normally.”
“Facing the window. On my right side. But I flip to my left just as easily. I’m not a huge fan of sleeping on my back—”
“Bad for your back.”
“Sure. And because I snore when I sleep like that. Used to drive my wife nuts. Come to think of it, I probably shouldn’t be discussing her while you’re in bed with me.” I rolled my eyes.
Sam chuckled. “I don’t mind. I’m not jealous. Not really. More worried you might compare her to me and find me lacking.”
“Nope. She’s from a different era in my life. The past. I wish her well. Oh, did I mention she remarried a couple of months ago? Some really old guy. But he makes her happy, so I wish them well.”
“That’s big of you.” He held my gaze. “I don’t know if I’d be so magnanimous.”
“I hold no ill will. Life’s too fucking short for that. Or for regrets. If I let you go—without telling you how I feel—then I’ll have all kind of regrets.” I gazed into his eyes. “So…are you the big spoon or am I?”
“Me? I feel like that’ll give me—” He swallowed.
“More control?” I offered the words gently.
He nodded.
I pressed a kiss to his lips and turned around. As I settled myself, the bed dipped a bit and soon he pressed himself against me.
“Like this?” He threaded his arm under mine and pressed a hand to my sternum.
“How does it feel?”
“Strange.” That came out fast.
I waited.
“But also…good. Like—” He exhaled. “Nice.”
I chuckled. “Nice is all I ask for. Just let me know if you need anything.”
“Thank you.” He pressed a kiss to the back of my neck. “In case I haven’t told you lately—you’re an awesome person. And I’m lucky to have you in my life.”
“Ditto, Sam. Ditto.”
He let out a long breath.
I watched the moonlight dance along the lake as the wind pushed the waves toward shore.
A sense of calm enveloped me.
On that note, I fell asleep.