17. Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Seventeen
Sam
Ibarely stirred when Soren got up in the early morning to feed the kittens. Pretty soon, they wouldn’t need the nighttime feeding at all.
When he returned to bed, I cuddled against him right away.
He laid his hand over mine and sighed.
And went right back to sleep.
I, though, stayed awake a lot longer with my thoughts.
To my surprise, I was really okay. Comfortable even—holding Soren in my arms. Having him next to me. Knowing Tibby was nearby, and the kittens were just downstairs. Everything felt right. Everything felt settled.
I still wasn’t aroused.
I’d wondered. Worried. Stressed. Obsessed.
My cock worked. I knew that. I just…didn’t feel the need to use it in that way.
Understanding that and coming to grips with it were two different things.
I’d read the blogs. Even found a couple of autobiographies where brave people talked about it.
Had ventured to read a couple of gay romances with ace characters.
Still, I hadn’t been certain. I kept telling myself if I didn’t get naked with a guy then I couldn’t be absolutely certain.
And since the idea of getting naked with a guy terrified me—I sort of figured I’d never know.
I’m not naked with Soren.
Nope. He’d happily trotted out his rainbow-unicorn pajamas. And casually told me about the dildo he’d sent his employee as a gag gift. I couldn’t figure out if that meant sex was casual for him or if he just had a wicked sense of humor. Perhaps both?
Except he’d been clear he hadn’t had sex since the last time he’d been with his wife. That was a while ago.
Is it fair for me to ask him to go without?
Potentially for the rest of his life? Part of me said I should just have sex with him.
That maybe I’d enjoy it. That maybe I’d be okay doing it again.
The rest of me rebelled against those feelings.
Not that I was grossed out—I just didn’t want to do it.
I remembered the post where an ace person said they watched while their partner masturbated.
To increase the intimacy, but not commit them to partaking.
That idea had…merit.
Would Soren understand if I suggested it?
I just didn’t know.
Another person said he’d chosen to have an open relationship. His wife had a sexual partner, but she reserved love and intimacy for her husband.
Would I be comfortable with Soren having sex with someone else? Do I even have the right to ask him not to?
“Sam?” He squeezed my hand. His voice was a little groggy.
“Sorry. Did I wake you?”
He chuckled. “Those gears in your mind did. Is it okay if I turn to face you?”
“Of course.” I shifted back a bit so he could turn. After a bit of jostling, he turned so he faced me. The moonlight hit his white hair, and it shimmered like a wraith’s. I couldn’t see his eyes, but they bore into me. “I’m sorry.”
“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about.” He cupped my cheek. “Are you comfortable? Do you want to leave, but are afraid of hurting me? Or would you prefer I give you space? I can head downstairs and—”
I placed my hand on his lips. “It’s your bed, Soren.”
“And I’m grateful you’re in it—but not if it’s upsetting you.”
“Right.” I squinted. “It’s not upsetting me—which is surprising me. I expected more, I don’t know, panic? Pressure?”
“Pressure?”
“To respond to you. To do…something.”
“Ah.” He grasped my hand. “Are you okay with me saying that I’m okay?”
I laughed.
“Right? See? Do you turn me on? Sure. I’ve felt that way from the start.
From the first time we met at Noah and Christian’s wedding.
I never thought I’d hit on you, though. Hell, I didn’t even know if you were gay or not.
When I saw you in the store, I just thought that guy’s really cute.
Kind of sexy. And since you’re buying chew toys for your new dog, maybe now’s not the right time to hit on him?
” He squeezed my hand. “Plus…I’m out of practice.
I was married for nearly ten years. So, the last time I had to make small talk with someone I wanted to date was—” He squinted. “A long fucking time ago.”
“You didn’t hit on Noah?”
“Nah. He’s adorable. I think I knew, even before he did, that he was meant to be with Christian. And although Dr. Malcolm is a great guy, he didn’t do it for me either. No one has made me want to leave the bubble of my home to get out in the world again. Not until you.”
I had to sit with that. I could take his words at face value—or I could dig deeper. “What if this is it? What if holding hands, cuddling, and kissing is all I can give you?”
“Then I’d consider myself to be the luckiest man ever. Sam, as sexy as you are, that’s not why you’re in my bed. That’s not why I’ve held your hands and cuddled and kissed you.” He tapped my forehead. “You have so much to offer me. I’m not even looking at the practicality of it.”
I squinted. “What does that mean?”
“Well, people get married for all kinds of reasons. Some are…practical.”
“We’re talking about marriage?” I might’ve squeaked that.
He laughed. “Uh. No. Well…not yet.”
“Okay.” Said with no small amount of caution.
“I’m saying that you moving in here was practical. You needed help. I needed to feel needed.”
“That’s a lot of needing.”
“Yep. But you gave me a purpose. Yes, I love my job. For sure, I’ve got a great friendship with Lolita.
Christian and Noah are awesome. But, aside from my job and Tibby, I haven’t had a reason for pushing forward.
Getting Tibby certified as a therapy dog is as far as I’ve pushed my little world recently.
You gave me a chance to change the script. To step outside of my comfort zone.”
“Okay.” Where is he going with this? I’m so confused. I wasn’t even going to touch the marriage issue.
“Look…you’ve wormed your way into my heart. Without even trying. You and Peaches and Jack. I look into the future, and I hope to fuck you pick me because I see only bleakness if you’re not here.”
“Oh.” Because that was about as articulate as I was capable of being. I licked my lips. “I’m trying to understand.”
“Well, I’m trying to be honest about why you’re in my bed. But it’s two in the morning, and maybe I’m not making myself clear.” He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
The displaced air ghosted over my skin.
“I love you.”
I blinked. Several times. Not because he was shimmering in my vision. Not because I was about to start crying.
“Sam?” Asked with the ultimate gentleness.
Overwhelmed. I just couldn’t believe he’d said that to me. And I couldn’t believe what my heart was telling me to do. “Yeah. Okay. Uh…me, too.”
Another exhalation. “Really? Because I don’t want you to think that you have to say that. I probably shouldn’t have said something so soon—”
I placed a hand on his lips. “Hush. Just for a moment.”
He nodded, but didn’t try to dislodge my finger.
Still, I pulled it back. “You caught me off-guard. Yes, you gave me signs. Little things you’ve said and done over the last day or so. But I thought those were meant to convince me to move in. Although I suppose they were because the goal was the same. Right?”
Again, he nodded.
“I don’t have a lot of experience with love. From my parents and Lucius and Marcella? Absolutely. Of course Quinta. She’s my heart. I’d do absolutely anything for her.” I sighed. “Even if that means letting her go to live her own life.”
“Three weeks.” Whispered softly.
“Yeah. And I guess she’ll probably see we’re truly together. Just think—by then Jack and Peaches will be really coming into their own. I mean, their personalities are already forming. And Tibby adores them and—” My voice caught. “Like…how can my life be this perfect?”
“You opened yourself up to the possibility of love.” Soren caressed my cheek. “You are deserving. Just as, you clearly understand, Quinta is as well. For her, that means maybe moving in with a guy—even though she’s still young. For you, that means accepting an older guy, despite his flaws.”
I shook my head. “I don’t see flaws. I see light and love.” Again, I blinked. “Really that simple?”
He nodded. “Really that simple.”
“Okay.”
“Yeah?” He grinned.
“Yeah.”
“Woohoo.” He said the word quietly. “So I don’t wake Tibby or the kittens. They might want to get in on the action.”
“That would totally be okay with me.” I returned his smile. “But I’m exhausted. Even though tomorrow is Sunday, we still have little creatures we’re responsible for.”
“Yep.” He pressed a kiss to my lips.
“More cuddling?”
I considered. “Will you hold me?”
“Sure.” Yet his hesitancy made a lie of his words.
“What?”
He cleared his throat. “I might be, uh, older…”
“Okay.” I had no idea where he was going with this.
“It’s just—” He swallowed audibly.
“Oh.” I arched an eyebrow—unsure if he could see me in the low light. “Erection?”
“Morning wood, yeah. Rare…but it happens. Especially if I wake with someone in my arms.”
I considered. Weighed. Then came to a decision. “But you’re not going to act on it.”
“Nope.”
Be brave. Ask for what you want. “Okay. So I read something on the internet. On a blog post.”
“Sounds dangerous…but go on.”
“One woman, who’s ace, said she enjoyed watching her partner pleasure himself. She didn’t mind and, in fact, it brought her a modicum of relief to know he could find satisfaction with her. Without actual penetration or anything like that.”
Soren tilted his slightly—shifting his pillow. “Are you suggesting this because you’re curious or because you feel like this is something I want? Or that I need?” He grasped my hand. “When I say that everything’s perfect—I really mean it.”
“I know you do. And maybe you’re not comfortable with my suggestion.” Maybe something I should’ve considered before proposing this harebrained scheme.
“My comfort isn’t always the issue. Partnership.”
His words warmed me. “Look, I haven’t seen a flesh-and-blood naked man since gym class in high school. Back then? I wasn’t really interested—which might’ve been my first clue I was different.”
“Different isn’t always bad. We’d be boring if we were all horn dogs who went around having sex all the time. Not much would get done in the world.”
That resonated with me. His days were full to the brim with activities. Maybe, in this room, he obsessed more.
He yawned. “Maybe we can continue this conversation in the morning? But only if you’re okay. If you’re not, then I’m happy to make two cups of herbal tea so we can talk it out.”
“Sleep is fine.” As an sympathetic yawner, of course I had to do the same.
Soren chuckled. “Now…who’s the big spoon?”
Be brave. “You.”
“Okay.” Again, he ghosted his fingers down my chin.
I grasped his hand and brought it to my chest—placing it right above my heart.
In return, he pressed a kiss to my lips. “I know I just said it, but I have to say it again—I love you. Your impact on my life has been…profound. It’s like there’s a before Sam and after.”
A laugh escaped me. “I think you mean before kittens and after. I’ve been around for a long time.”
“You think I didn’t notice you the very first time we met?”
I stilled because he’d basically already said this. “Well, I certainly noticed you. I just got nervous and shy.”
“Which I completely understand. I wish I’d known then, but I think everything happens for a reason. I was meant to find you asleep at the cash register. Those little matchmaker kittens were meant to be in our lives.”
“Matchmaker kittens? I like that.” Be brave. “I’m going to roll over. I’ve always wondered what being a small spoon would be like.”
“I’ll be your dragon slayer tonight. The rest will sort itself out tomorrow.”
“Dragon slayer, eh?” As I shifted onto my side, I held that image in my mind. Soren could slay dragons. Self-doubt, pain of loss, wondering if I’d ever find someone who would understand me. He’d knocked down each of those by embracing me. By accepting me for who I was. I’d always owe him for that.
Yet, he’d also made it clear I brought something to the relationship. That probably meant more than anything.
He tucked himself around me and, as his warmth and scent enveloped me, I drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, with encouragement from me, he removed his unicorn pajamas and did something about his morning wood.
I felt only happiness. No curiosity, though. Nothing changed within me desire-wise. That just wasn’t something that I wanted. That Soren respected that was what sealed the deal for me.
Breakfast and more playing with kittens and dog led to cuddles and kisses.
My life was damn near perfect.