Chapter 33
The big fucking thing that starts with a capital L
“Hey, Mel. Wait up.” I jogged after her when she exited her science class a few days later.
She hurried forward, holding a textbook to her chest, not even sparing me a glance.
My fingers closed around her elbow from behind, but she yanked her arm away, putting more distance between us. “Talk to me. I deserve to know what’s going on.”
My words—or my tone—must have done the job because she stopped, took a deep breath in, and spun on her heel to face me.
She looked radiant. Gone were the shadows under her eyes and the ghostly complexion, even though we were in the middle of January and lacking sunlight these days.
She was wearing a golden corduroy romper over a white shirt with black knee-high socks, her hair braided over her shoulder, a light coat of lip gloss coloring her lips.
I swallowed. “You look…wow…you look beautiful.”
Not acknowledging me, she glanced down.
“Aren’t you gonna say anything? I deserve an explanation. You’ve been avoiding me like the plague since school has resumed.”
She snorted. “I don’t owe you anything, Mason.”
Mason? What happened to Mase?
I lifted her chin up with a finger, capturing her eyes, the turquoise pools that I wanted to sink in for the rest of time, mesmerizing me.
We remained like this for what felt like hours, neither of us saying anything.
As if our souls could say it all. And then I saw it again.
The tiny glint. The small hint that we were not done.
That there was still something powerful simmering between us.
Melinda must have felt it too because she stepped back as if my skin had burned hers and looked away.
“I-I missed you.”
She said nothing, her gaze snapping back to me. Emotions crossed her eyes, lingering there for a small second before vanishing.
I made another attempt and grabbed her hand in mine, lacing our fingers.
They fit just like I remembered. This time, she didn’t remove her hand or try to escape my proximity.
“We haven’t seen or talked to each other in over six weeks.
” I swallowed around my own emotions blocking my airways.
“I was worried about you. I tried to give you space like you asked, but I can’t do it anymore.
I need to know where we stand and if we can salvage what we had. ”
“Mason, we had nothing.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
I stepped forward. “Wrong answer. Please say it like you mean it this time.”
“I won’t play games with you.” Her gaze drifted everywhere but to my eyes as she spoke.
“I’m done playing games too. I truly believe we belong together. I’m just waiting for you to catch up with the fact.”
The iciness of her laughter sliced through my heart. “Sorry, but it won’t happen. You better find someone else to be with.”
“Stop feeding me bullshit. What we had was real. Why won’t you recognize it?”
“I’m dating someone else. I’m with Jayden now.”
“Yeah, right. Clarke.” I clamped the back of my neck with a hand, the feeling of my fingers around my spine grounding me. “Like you had to run away and fall for my number one enemy.”
“Jayden is not the bad guy here, Mason. He’s nice to me and doesn’t expect anything from me.
He treats me well and makes me smile. There are no groupies after him everywhere we go.
We have fun together and he was there when my world crumbled around me and I was all alone because everyone had turned their backs on me.
It’s simple with him. He listens to me and… I don’t have to explain him to you.”
Her words acted like a punch in the gut, and I jumped back. “You’re kidding, right? I have never turned my back on you. Not once. I know you’ve been through something hard and recovery is a long road ahead and it won’t always be easy, but dating Clarke is not what you need right now.”
“Like you know better what I need. Yeah, right.”
“As a matter of fact, I think I do. Whether you wanna admit it or not, I know you. The real you, not the one you are pretending to be right now.”
She snorted. “You know me so well that you didn’t notice when I was struggling.”
I flinched like she had just kicked me in the stomach. “Why are you so mean? You know it’s nothing like that. Jayden Clarke is bad news. You don’t need more complications in your life. You need someone who really cares about you.”
“Like you?”
“Yeah. Like me. I’ve always been there for you. You can’t deny it. You and I, we’re great together. We’re much more alike than you think. We have history, and we can make it work. I’ll give you your space and wait until you’re ready to be with me. In the meantime, we can resume our friendship.”
“Here’s the thing, Mason. I don’t wanna be with you. Not anymore. Not even as a friend. I’m with Jayden. You gotta respect that.”
Sadness and fury mixed inside me. I fisted my hands at my sides, not sure how to protect myself from the punches she kept throwing at me. “Is this a new thing of yours? Part of your therapy?”
“What?”
“Hurting the ones who care about you?”
Her teeth left indents in her lower lip. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Isn’t it? Because from where I’m standing, that is exactly what is happening. Why won’t you give me a chance? Why won’t you give us a chance? What is so wrong about me that you won’t even consider dating me?”
“Because there is no us and there never will be one. I thought I made myself clear already.”
My eyes prickled with the tears building in their corners. I wouldn’t lose my cool here. I wouldn’t break down in the hallway en route to my next class. Melinda Shepard might be able to break my heart, but she wouldn’t break me.
“Keep lying to yourself, but it’s not a good look on you. I thought we’d already agreed on that.”
Red crept up her cheeks. “Drop the sarcasm. Can’t you see I’m setting you free here?”
I threw my arms up in frustration before I realized what I was doing.
Anger underlined my tone. “You think I wanna be set free? What kind of world do you think you’re living in?
You know what, keep pretending all is fine.
I’m no shrink, but I’m pretty sure the first step in healing is to stop lying and blaming others.
I guess you skipped that lesson. Congrats, you wanted to lose me.
Well, you did just that. Are you happy now?
Does it make you feel better? Help you sleep at night?
” I pointed an accusing finger at her, the opposite of how I had seen this conversation going.
I wanted to shield her, help her, protect her, not make an enemy out of the only girl I ever had feelings for.
“Next year, I’ll be everywhere you’ll be.
I signed with Crestwood U. It’s been official for a long time, but I was waiting for the perfect moment to tell you.
I was supposed to come clean on that snowboarding vacation we never went on.
I had ordered a bunch of CWU merch and swag as your Christmas gift after your dad told me they offered you a full ride too.
Stupid matching stuff for both of us because I could picture us dating, going to college together, and doing all the shit kids our age do when they’re in love.
Anyway, forget I said anything. It’s not important now.
It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing anymore.
I left the bag at your house this morning.
Throw it away, burn it, give it to charity for all I care. ”
A lone tear carved the length of her cheek. “You did that…for me?” Her lips quivered.
“Yep. Like a fool in love. Because what I’ve been feeling for you, Mel, all these years isn’t friendship, it’s much more powerful than that.
It’s love. The big fucking thing that starts with a capital L.
I’m sorry I snapped at you. It won’t happen again.
And I’m sorry I made you late for your next class.
It wasn’t my intention either. Just remember that for the next four years, I’ll still be around.
I’m not going anywhere. I just hope Clarke treats you decently because he’ll be in Maryland in a few months.
Don’t come crying on my shoulder when things don’t work out between you two when you realize he’s an asshole and not worthy of you.
Remember what I told you once. I don’t do second place.
Never. Goodbye, Mel.” My own words became a stabbing pain that left me bleeding everywhere.
“Mason…” The single word sounded like a plea. “It’s not that simple… I-I can’t be with you. I hope you forgive me one day. It’s too hard…being with you. When you look at me like I’m your whole world, it puts too much pressure on me… I feel like I’m not enough, and…and I can’t…I just can’t.”
Sobs passed her lips, and I fought with everything I had not to pull her into my arms.
“Mase…” Her voice trembled. “I’m sorry.”
I whirled around, gathered the last threads of self-preservation I had left, and strode away, my heart so heavy in my chest that I feared it could burst at any moment. “I’m sorry too,” I said to no one but myself.