Chapter 34
I always played for keeps
I skipped lunch and didn’t recall any of my afternoon classes.
Sitting on the floor by my locker, my back and head pressed to the wall, my eyes closed, I waited for the ruckus of the students leaving school to fade before making a move.
My conversation with Melinda had replayed in my mind countless times all day, and I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact she’d dismissed me so easily.
Time stilled, and I blocked out the noisy chatter and loud footsteps until everything became quiet around me.
Enjoying the silence, I stretched my legs before me and breathed out, trying to get rid of the heaviness gluing me to this floor.
Someone sat beside me, and I didn’t have to open my eyes to know it was my brother. “How are you holding up?”
I snorted. “What do you think? She’s dating the one guy I can’t stand and making it sound like he’s Prince Charming.”
“That’s messed-up. Do you think it’s serious?”
I shrugged. “She made it sound like it was.”
“Damn. You talked to her?”
“Yep. This morning.”
“How did it go?”
I remained silent.
“That bad?”
I cracked my eyes open and stared at him. “Yep.”
We said nothing for the longest time.
“What’s going on with you? Want to tell me what it’s all about for real?
We can feel dejected together. I heard you arguing with Paige last night again.
Your secret late-night meetings with Dad aren’t so secret.
I just don’t understand why you two are shady as hell about whatever is going down behind those walls.
What you said the other morning… It’s still nagging at me. ”
A shadow passed through my brother’s eyes, and he dragged a hand over his face.
“I screwed up, man. Well…not me. Dad did. But I couldn’t hold my end of the bargain, and now it’s too late.
His actions will impact me—and Paige—and I’m not sure what to do about it.
If I come clean, my girlfriend will hate me, and I can’t deal with her hatred.
I love her, man. She’s the one for me, and I can’t imagine having to let her go. ”
I blinked, not sure what he meant. “Why would you have to let her go?”
“Because… As I told you that morning, it’s complicated. I’m still trying to find a way out of this one, but I’m not sure I’ll have enough time to right the wrong.”
“Wanna tell me what it’s all about instead of speaking in riddles?”
He shook his head, toying with the leather cuff around his left wrist that Paige had gifted him for Christmas.
“No. She might never forgive me for this. I gotta see if I can fix it before I accept it’s my reality.
If I tell you all about it, it will make it real in my mind, and I’m not sure I can survive the truth.
Not now. I’ll be honest about it, I swear. Just not now, okay?”
“Fine. But you tell me if it gets too much, okay?”
“Deal.”
“And please don’t break her heart. I know firsthand how shitty it is. She’s already lost Mel, so she can’t lose you too. Whatever it is, fix it.”
He nodded. “Do you think Mel will ever forgive her?”
“No idea. She’s pretty hurt. It was like she was pushing me away earlier not because she wanted to, but because she thought it was the right thing to do.
Maybe therapy will help. She’s not on speaking terms with her parents either.
I think until she decides she wants to heal and it comes from her instead of from the people around her, there’s nothing we can do.
If she doesn’t recognize there’s a problem in the first place, why would she want to deal with it? ”
He moved to his feet and held out his hand to help me up. “That’s sick. Sucks to be you right now.”
“Yep. It sucks balls.”
“Are you going to survive?”
“Yep.” It felt like this was one of the only few words remaining in my vocabulary today. “What other choice do I have?”
“None. Sorry, man. I wish I had some words of wisdom right now. Wanna grab some food before going home?”
“Yep… Huh, sure.”
“Follow me then. My treat.”
I made my way inside, trying to avoid my parents and having to explain why I probably looked dejected. I felt crestfallen inside, so I had no doubt I looked the part too.
“Oh, it’s you,” Mom said, walking to me with an empty mug in hand. “I thought it would be your dad. He’s working so many hours these days that it’s like he’s never home anymore.”
I gave her a half-shrug. “At least Craig sees him.”
“They’re going through something. Nothing that concerns you for now.”
“Nothing ever concerns me these days. Everyone keeps me in the dark. Now that we won State and I’ve committed to college, nobody cares what I’m doing anymore. I have served my purpose, and now I’m not useful to anyone. I’m just fucking tired of people pushing me away.”
“Mase, language.”
I snorted. “Sorry. I’m not fucking tired. I’m just tired.”
Mom stared at me with a quirked eyebrow. “And you think sarcasm will work on me?”
I kept quiet, glancing at the hardwood floor, avoiding her eyes. If I knew something for sure, it was that my mother could smell bullshit from miles away.
“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?”
I shrugged, my eyes still glued to the floor. “Not really.”
“Where’s your brother?”
“Paige’s.”
“Come, sit with me. Let’s chat.”
“Mom…”
“Don’t Mom me, Mason. I know the look, and I would be a very awful mother if I let you go to your bedroom before making sure you’re all right.”
“I’m fine.”
“If only you were a great liar. Where’s Mr. Optimism? I only saw him for a few minutes days ago. Care to tell me where he’s hiding?”
“He doesn’t exist. Dead. Buried with his heart.”
We took seats next to each other at the kitchen island.
Mom put a cookie on a napkin on the counter and poured tea into a mug and pushed them in front of me.
She was using my chocolate-chips-cookie weakness against me, and she was well aware.
She’d been using the same cheer-me-up method on me since I was just a little kid.
It was like she had a sixth sense and always knew when I needed a home-baked treat to make the sting of something a little less bitter.
“Is it Melinda?” she asked after a full minute.
I broke a piece of cookie but didn’t bring it to my mouth. “How can you tell?”
“Only love—and football—can put you in a sour mood when things don’t go your way.”
“I talked to her today… It-it didn’t go well.”
She said nothing as if she knew I had more to confide in her.
I told her all about our encounter. The way Melinda had rejected me, the sadness in her eyes, the connection we shared that she was fighting and trying so hard not to acknowledge.
Mom didn’t say a word, listening to me as I poured my heart out.
“Do you recall what I told you on the day you returned to school after the break?”
“Which part?”
“The part about the chemistry you both share that won’t fade because of a bump in your road. Also, if you two are meant to be, maybe your time isn’t now, but you will find your way back to each other again one day.”
I braced my elbows up on the countertop and buried my face in my hands, doing my best to conceal my emotions from my mother. “The thing is… I-I told her that I…that I loved her. And…and she didn’t…she didn’t care.”
“Oh, Mason.” She moved to her feet, and so did I when she wrapped her arms around me. “It’s okay to be sad.”
At that moment, I realized how small my mother felt in my arms. I had always pictured her as strong and tall, but right now, even though I towered over her by many inches, her petite frame was the glue keeping me in one piece instead of a million shards.
“I saw her… Melinda, I mean. She came by earlier.”
I leaned back and wiped under my eyes with the back of my hand. “She did?”
“Your car wasn’t in the driveway, so I believe she thought it was safe to come over. Anyway, she gave me this for you.” She pointed to a white rectangle and a small box on the breakfast nook table.
“I don’t want them. You can give them back to her.”
“No. It’s yours. You can keep them, look what’s inside, throw them away, but if I were you, I’d wanna see what Melinda has to say.
Sometimes, putting our thoughts into words on paper feels easier than speaking them aloud.
She looked sad when she dropped by.” She went to grab the envelope and the box and handed them to me.
“I’m no mind reader, but this may answer some of your questions.
” She turned to walk away. “I’ll leave you to it.
If you need me, I’ll be in the living room. ”
I swallowed around the mountain of rocks stuck in my throat. “Thanks.”
Showered and changed into a pair of sweatpants and a white T-shirt, I stared at the envelope I’d discarded in the middle of my bed as if it were an explosive device about to blow up.
“What are you doing?” Craig asked as he entered my room a while later and stood next to me, his eyes landing on the white rectangle. “What’s that? You look like it’s about to bite you.”
I sighed and rolled my shoulders back. It did nothing to ease the tension inside me. “Mel. She dropped this earlier.”
“Have you opened it yet?”
“Nope. I’m still trying to decide whether I want to or not.”
“Maybe it’s important.”
“Maybe.”
He placed a hand between my shoulder blades. “Let me know if you want me to read it first in case it destroys that heart of yours.”
He left, and after debating the pros and cons in my head for another minute, I finally concluded I would never be able to go to sleep without looking inside.
I sat on the edge of the bed, and with shaky fingers, I opened the tab and unfolded the piece of paper.
Dear Mason
This is not how I imagined our relationship going. All day, our conversation has been replaying in my head, and the last thing I’ve ever wanted was to hurt you.
Walking away from you that day when my parents staged the intervention is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I was so ashamed. I didn’t want you to see me differently, and I didn’t want to pull you down the rabbit hole with me.