Chapter Forty-Two
Harley - Present Day
“Do you need a break?”
She shakes her head. “No, I could do with another drink though.”
I stand up and reach for her glass before heading to the kitchen to replenish it for her.
I wonder if she notices that even in therapy she diverts from the question.
When I first asked her about what she remembered the other night, she continued the conversation and went in a different direction until I asked her a question she felt comfortable answering.
Determined to get to the bottom of it, I walk back into the room we use for her therapy.
“I’m curious,” I ask. “When you deflect from one subject to another, are you aware of it?”
She looks confused for a second but processes her thoughts before speaking out loud. “I didn’t deflect. You asked me about when my OCD started, and I told you.”
“That was actually the second question I asked you. The first question was about your recovered memories. But you continued the conversation and made jokes until I asked you the next question. It’s not a criticism, it’s an observation.”
“I’d never really thought about it until you just mentioned it, to be honest. But you may be right.
The only way I’ve ever known how to get out of conflict with my mum and my brother was to deflect.
To make a self-deprecating joke or to agree with their criticisms. When I would disagree or offer up an opinion, it would usually result in a violent or verbal confrontation until I did agree. ”
“Have you ever been badly injured by them? Like ended up in the hospital?” My tone screams concern.
“Not that I can specifically remember. I remember injuries. Scratches on my chest that I would blame on falling into objects and pretending to be clumsy. My mum would bruise me in places that were hidden. My stomach, my head, any place that was always covered in clothes. Eric just didn’t give a fuck.
If he hurt me, he’d own it. By the time my dad would be home from work, it wasn’t even worth trying to give my side of the story. ”
“When you were just recalling the day he came home, the moment you spoke about your dad, your tone softened. Why?”
“I never even realised I did that. My dad has always been special to me. I don’t know if it was the idea of him as a dad or what he could be, or the fact that I always hung my hopes on getting away from my mother on him.
Which to some would be unfair… but he’s my dad.
He’s supposed to keep me safe. To some extent, he didn’t know the things they would put me through, but there were times he saw things and instead of saying something he shrank away from the confrontation. ”
She takes another gulp from her drink. She hasn’t cried yet this session, and I’m trying to determine if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
“As I’ve gotten older, it’s gone from anger to indifference.
The understanding that it may not be just me who is being abused, or that maybe he stays blissfully ignorant because the truth is too ugly.
They say the truth shall set you free, but in this instance, for my dad, I think the truth would kill him.
So he’d rather stay close than be too far away.
” She fidgets with the reaper in her lap.
“Him allowing them to drop me off at the hospital and sign me over—that shocked me. I felt a level of anger I had never experienced before. Actually, probably more devastation than anger. For the first time, I felt like it made our relationship irreparable. Because how could a father watch not only his wife do this to his daughter, but also his son? The only reason I could even fathom is fear of the unknown consequence. But at some point, fear isn’t an excuse anymore. ”
“What do you think your dad could do to make your relationship repairable?”
“At minimum, he would need to leave my mum. And if the reason he stayed was fear of never being able to be in my life, then that is no longer a problem. Granted, he doesn’t know where I am or how to find me, but I don’t know if I would ever be able to trust him again.
If he stayed because he was a victim of hers, then that would be one thing.
If he knows the levels of abuse I was subjected to, that’s another. ”
“Why do you think he stays?
“I would imagine she used the one thing that would force his hand—me.”
So you’re not totally closed off to it; it’s just dependent on the circumstances?” She nibbles on the edge of her cuticle as she nods her head, a small part of her nail jagged and angry, symbolising the current state of mind in regards to her dad.
“Okay. That’s something we can monitor with CCTV and surveillance. When the time is right, and you’re ready, we can look into that. I think we need to go back to the harder stuff now. It’s time to talk about that recovered memory.”
She stares straight into my eyes, and all of a sudden her body begins to tremble. “Quinn? Talk to me…”
Quinn
Since the very first time I had stared into his green eyes, they had come to resemble things I loved.
But in this moment, all I can see when I look into his eyes are the same eyes that Eric had.
His expressions weren’t the same, but in my mind they were, and I was taken back to the night of the rape.
“They raped me.” I say it matter-of-factly, so there’s no room for confusion, but it seems I wasn’t clear enough.
“They?”
“Yes, they. My brother, his best friend Dane, and my best friend Millie. Right now, your eyes are triggering me.”
“Okay. Do you want me to switch out with Lulu for a few minutes?”
I nod. “Yes, please. I’m sorry.”
He walks over to me but averts his gaze so I can no longer stare into his eyes. He drops down into a crouch and takes hold of my hands before laying one single kiss on the top of each of them.
“Never be sorry for taking what you need, Little Magpie. I’ll send her in now.”
He walks through the door, and my heart shatters into a million pieces. Because what if that’s enough for him to never come back? What if I’ve traumatised him into never feeling like he can look me in the eye again?
A voice jolts me from my thoughts. “Stop that right now.” Lulu. My breath catches.
“Lu—” I sob as she grabs hold of me and squeezes me tightly.
“I’ve got you, girly. I’ve got you.” She shushes in my ear as she tries to calm me down. Unsuccessfully. “Breathe in through your nose. One, two, three, four. Out through your mouth. One, two, three, four.” I do as she asks.
She lets go. “Okay. Look at me. Tell me five things you can see.”
I look at her like she’s crazy. “Just do what I ask. Trust me. Please.” I nod.
“Okay. I can see Bones’ chair, the lamp, my glass of electrolytes, your bright pink hair and Ted.” Lulu looks up as he comes in, jumps up and settles on my lap. My breathing is shallow. Repetitive.
“Four things you can touch…” She strokes her finger over the top of my hand, letting me know she’s still with me.
“Ted. Your hands. Bones’ hoodie. The air from the fan.”
“That’s good. Well done, girl. Next up, three things you can hear.”
“The dripping of rain outside the window. Bones’ pacing in the kitchen because he’s stressed. My heart screaming in my ears.”
“Good. Two things you can smell.”
I breathe in, my breath stutters, but I persevere. In through my nose and out through my mouth. Breathing in again, I focus on the scents around me. “Bones’ aftershave on his hoodie. Leather and bonfire smoke. Coffee, from your breath…”
She laughs. “Thanks for the reminder to chuck some gum in my gob.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“I’m joking. Stop stressing. One thing you can taste.”
“The berries from my electrolytes.”
“Good. Now you’re breathing properly.” I didn’t even realise what she was doing was having that effect on me. “Do you want me to go and get H?”
“No. I think it needs to be you who hears this bit. I know he’s trying to maintain boundaries to get through my therapy, but I don’t think this bit is something he needs to hear first-hand. It will hurt him.”
She nods. “Okay, give me a minute. I’ll be back. Keep breathing.”
I hear them talking before he comes back in with her and grabs his phone.
He removes my IV and leans down to kiss me on the head.
“I’m removing this because I won’t be in here to monitor you, and I think we’ve done enough this session to warrant stopping the transfusion.
I understand why you need this to be Lulu, and I think it’s the right decision.
But when you’re ready, I will be here to listen. Ted, stay here.”
He says nothing else, just walks from the room and shuts the door.
Lulu gets comfy in his seat. “Well then, Bestie, hit me with the worst you’ve got.
I’ll even make you a deal. You tell me a truth, and I’ll tell you a truth.
No limits, no hesitations. But whatever is said in this room cannot leave the confines of Harley and us.
He knows my deepest, darkest secrets already.
There is nothing I’m about to tell you that he doesn’t already know.
Same with X.” She fidgets with her hands in the same way I do.
“But letting you into these things opens me up to a vulnerability I have yet to experience. I have a black soul. People are not a necessity to my life. I choose them because they bring something to me and I can bring something to them. But I could live a solitary life and thrive on my own existence. I need to know that I can trust you to respect that. Promise me.”
What truths could she possibly have that are so dark and twisted that she needs me to promise her that?
I reach forward and give her my pinky finger. “I told you what this means to me. Let me show you.” She interlinks hers with mine and leans forward to kiss her hand. “Just an extra level of protection.” She smiles at me, and we both relax.
“Who’s going first?” she asks.
“You can,” I reply.
“Okay. A truth for a truth,” she says. “Here goes nothing.”